Stiletto Diaries

This Is A Rather Long Post

Posted on February 20th, 2006 in Carnal Confessions, Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Well the weekend was certainly eventful. Sadly, not in the fun kind of way. All you people that come here and wait like vultures for something emotionally distressing to happen to me, sit down, you’re gonna love this.

As I mentioned before, K and I have been keeping some distance from each other. Basically that meant not actually seeing each other, but still talking to each other daily.

Over the weekend Jack and I talked a lot more and he expressed to me that he would prefer I stop talking to K altogether, at least for a little while, since he doesn’t think I am gaining any objectivity towards the situation. Understandably that suggestion was upsetting to me, since I value my friendship with K and I felt that Jack was being unreasonable.

I thought about it some more, we talked, and I decided that Jack’s feelings should be considered first, because of the situation. I agreed to stop talking to K, but I wanted to be able to explain this to K in person, so that he wouldn’t think I was trying to blow him off or anything.

Saturday night my best friend V and I had made plans to go out for the evening, so I thought that would be as good a time as any. K and I could spend a little time together and talk. I talked to Jack about it, and it sort of went like this:

Me: I’m going to invite K out with us tonight so that I can talk to him about the situation in person.

Jack interpreted that statement as: I don’t care what you think, I’m going to see K anyway, so too damned bad for you.

Jack: Ok. You can do what you think is best.

I interpreted that statement as: I trust you to make smart decisions regarding this situation with K. I feel comfortable with you seeing his this evening.

What it seems he really meant: Hopefully you read my mind and understand that I am upset by this and just pretending to go along with it.

Can you see where this is headed?

So I left with V, thinking that all was well, and we headed over to pick up K. The three of us went to a pub and ordered some drinks. One of V’s friends was also going to be joining us.

I didn’t want to say anything to K right away. I wanted to relax for a while and just enjoy the evening without thinking about the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing or talking to him for an undetermined amount of time.

He was being way more affectionate than he usually is in public (thanks to having a drink or two in him no doubt, LOL). Of course I was lovin that, especially since he had usually been rather standoffish in previous public situations.

V’s friend arrived and the four of us were having a really good time. I had consumed quite a number of drinks by that point and I decided I had better tell K the news while I could still form a coherent sentence.

He took it pretty well at the moment, although I could tell he was saddened by it. His demeanor changed a little and he got more quiet.

At that point I decided to be a total asshole.

It was karaoke night at the pub we were at, and V is a fantastic singer, so she decided to get up and do a song. The bar was rather empty so she asked me if I would come and sit in the front so she would have someone there cheer for her.

While I was sitting there (K and V’s friend decided to stay at our table so I was sitting alone) a guy came up and started to talking to me. I invited him to sit down and we had a little chat. He introduced himself (we shall assign him a letter as well…”Q”) He asked me if K was my boyfriend (or significant other) and I said no, but that we were really good friends. I didn’t feel like getting into the complexities of my relationships just then, as V’s song was almost over and I didn’t want to neglect K.

I excused myself and went back to our table. I realized that I was just about hitting my limit as far as the alcohol was concerned so I passed on ordering any more drinks and decided to just finish the two I had left.

V went up to sing again, and I went and sat in the front to encourage her. Q came back over and sat down. I decided to just explain to him that I was married and that I have an open relationship and that K is a close friend of mine that I also happen to have sex with (I put it more delicately than that, LOL). Q seemed surprised, but not totally put off. We talked some more, about what each of us does for a living, stuff like that. He seemed like a nice guy, very polite, although I didn’t really feel any sexual attraction towards him. I decided that if anything he would make a really cool friend, so I asked him if I could get his number. He said sure, so we exchanged digits and I told him I would talk to him soon.

Being drunk I was a little slow to realize that what I just did was probably very rude towards K. Especially considering that this was our last time together until who knows when. Wow, I can be so self-centered sometimes it’s embarrassing.

V wanted to have a private talk with K, so they went and sat at a different table and I talked to her friend, who is a guy and who is hot for V, so I just listened to him go on and on about her.

After some time (I can’t reliably say how long it was) I went over and sat with K and V to see what was up. They seemed to be having a constructive conversation, but I wanted to talk to K so I asked if he would go outside with me for a bit. I got my coat and met him outside. It was cold as hell but there were things that needed to be said.

K talked first. He told me that although he was very sad about not being able to talk to me or see me for some time, he understood and that he knows my relationship with Jack is more important than anything. He promised that he would be ok and that whenever everything was worked out he’d still be there. He also reminded me that no matter what happens he will always be there for me.

I appreciated everything he said, even though inside I was in pain. I feel awful for dragging him into this, into my crap. I never intended to cause him any distress. I don’t remember the exact order that everything happened, but I know at some point I cried. I didn’t want to look at K, I hate showing any weakness in front of anyone (probably related to my unnatural fear of being vulnerable). He insisted that I look at him, and he told me again that everything would be ok.

He also told me that he felt disregarded because I was talking to Q while I was supposed to be spending time with him (especially considering the whole situation and the fact that this was our last time together in the foreseeable future). I told him I was sorry (several times I am sure).

We talked some more, and I feel like an ass now because I don’t accurately remember everything that was said. When we couldn’t stand the freezing temperatures anymore we went back inside.

The four of us paid our tab and went outside to try and call a cab. Every number was busy of course, since it was 3:00am and practically every bar in the city was closing at the same time. We waited around, and then I saw a cab pull up at the traffic lights beside the parking lot we were in. I ran over and knocked on the window and he said we could get in.

We went back to K’s place and hung out and listened to music. I called Jack to let him know where we were and that we were ok. V and I had a talk about everything that was going on with K and I felt a little better about everything.

Sometime after 4:00 I was feeling exhausted so I said I was going to go lay down for a bit in K’s room. I could tell that V was ready to pass out too, but she couldn’t seem to get rid of her friend, who I am sure was planning to try and get into her pants.

I stripped down and stretched out on K’s bed. He came in and gave me a blanket and groped me for a minute and then went back out to the living room to help V’s friend call a cab. I curled up and sort of dozed a little.

Then V or K (I don’t remember who) called for me to come out to the living room. I wrapped myself up in the blanket and went out to see what was going on. We hung out and chatted some more. We made K do a striptease for us (which was hawt!) and then I had what I thought was a brilliant idea.

K has a webcam and I thought it would be fun to let Jack watch us fuck.

Keep in mind that I thought everything with Jack was fine.

So I called Jack, got him out of bed, and told him what we were planning to do. He didn’t let on to me that anything was amiss. K got his cam set up and I let V hold on to my phone so she could talk to Jack and he could hear all the sound effects, LOL.

I laid back on he couch, V was at the other end, and K started licking my pussy. I tried to relax and not pay attention to V talking behind me. I certainly was an interesting situation. K fucked me for quite a while and eventually came. I was too distracted to even consider being able to have an orgasm, but I enjoyed it none the less. I talked to Jack again for a minute after we were finished and he informed me that he wanted me to be home by dawn, as per our rule. I found that odd, since he has made plenty of exceptions before, but I didn’t want argue so I agreed to be home by then and said goodbye.

And then things got even more complicated.

The condom had torn at some point after K ejaculated and there had been an unknown amount of leakage while he was inside me. I don’t think that it was a lot, but of course K was very upset.

We went into the bathroom and I tried to assure him that everything was going to be fine. I’m at the point in my cycle that the chances of getting pregnant are practically non-existent (of course there is always a very slim chance that it could happen, but honestly I know my body and the way it works so well that I’m not worried in the least).

V was annoyed that Jack was being unreasonable (in her opinion) about what time I (and therefore she, since she is currently staying with us) had to be home, so she started chatting to him on messenger.

K and I went and laid down in his bed and cuddled and talked. I could hear V typing away in the other room.

I think we must have laid there for an hour or so. Then my phone rang, it was Jack, and he wanted me home right now.

K said that he couldn’t help but feel that he may never see me again. I didn’t know what to say, considering I don’t know what is going to end up happening.

I cried some more and got dressed. V wanted me to read the conversation that she and Jack had while I was with K so I sat down and read it. It just made me feel worse about everything.

Basically Jack said that he hadn’t wanted me to take K out for the evening, and that he felt mislead about my intentions because I had sex with K. V pointed out to him that he had plenty of opportunity to object to what was going on and he hadn’t said anything.

She also reminded him that he has been rather vague about his feelings regarding me inviting K out (she had been around for most of the conversation that we had).

I finished reading and we got ready to leave. K walked us out to her car and while she was scraping off her windows Jack called and I told him we were leaving and would be home in a while. He said he was sorry and that he hoped I wasn’t mad at him. I didn’t feel like talking just then, so I told him we would talk later. I said goodbye to K and then V and I headed for home.

On the way I cried and talked to her about how I felt Jack had set a trap for me, in that he expected me to know what he was feeling and then when I didn’t he got angry and made me feel like shit. After he knew he was getting his way he got all apologetic.

Plus I was distressed that he doesn’t seem to trust my ability to make any decisions for myself.

He told me that he had written me a letter and he wanted me to read it when I got home. Well the sun was coming up by the time we got to the house and I was feeling way too hostile to read what he had to say or have a rational conversation about it. I went straight to bed, despite the fact that he expressed his wish that I would read the letter right away. I needed sleep, and I knew that it would just be a huge fight if I tried to discuss anything with him before I got any rest.

After a very short sleep I got up and read his letter. I will not post the entire thing here, but he did give me permission to use a few quotes so that you can see exactly what his feelings were, as expressed by him:

“I was a little ticked off with tonight. I should have said something as soon as you got back to K’s, but I guessed you guys were going to visit there and then come home. I objected to you inviting him out at all tonight. I did express that to you. But you said you were only inviting him out so you could tell him about taking a break face to face because it would be too cold to do it over the phone or internet.”

“I don’t blame you for being mad at me. I should have objected right off the start. I can’t expect you to mind read. It’s not fair to you. I am so sorry. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. If I did, I would try to explain it.”

“At the same time, I expect that when you say you are inviting him out so you can tell him face to face about taking a break, that that is the reason, and only reason, you invited him out.”

“The whole reason I want you take a break with K is that it NEEDS to slow down. I am not comfortable with the speed it was going at. You were obsessed and devoting way too much of your time towards him, whether it was through chatting, phone or in person. I saw how long some of your conversation were while I was work. And when I would say no, I don’t really want you to go see him tonight, I would feel guilt because you would get pouty or upset because you really wanted to go. I can’t live like that ever day with you being sad about not going and me feeling guilty about saying no. It’s not healthy.

Another reason I wanted a break is because, I hate to say it, I don’t believe K to be the most stable person in the world. He has issues and baggage that he has to deal with. He has very low self esteem and self confidence. He feels you are the only light in his life. That scares me when he says that. I don’t know if the guy is possessive of you (as he seemed to be with the thought [that his roommate] might be interested in you) or if he can keep things separate from his other issues. But I am not willing to sit and find out right now. My whole nervousness about entering into our open marriage was it spilling over to our so called “regular” lives. I hate calling it that. I am sorry, but I am very protective of you and the children and the really good life we have right now. I don’t want anyone or anything to be messed up because of our “open” marriage. Not worth it.”

“You have asked me how long this break is going to last and how am I feeling and are my feelings ever going to change. Honestly I don’t know. I can tell you it’s probably going to last more than a week, LOL. I think you have your feelings and infatuation under control already. I have already seen it in the past week and I am proud of you for that. But I think the time is needed so we can give K the opportunity to sort through some of his baggage. He is never going to do it as long as he has access to you all the time. You are so important in his life right now. I would say almost like a security blanket. He needs to develop his confidence and self esteem. He has already taken a big step by getting his current job. He is starting to feel good about what he is doing in life and the work he does. He is developing some pride about it. I can tell when talking to him. Give him some more time, he can do it. He is a nice guy.”

“The other big issue right now is you wanting to know how I feel about things regarding this and sharing them with you. And you seem to get frustrated cause first I want the break, and then I say I was thinking I may be overreacting, etc, etc. It is confusing and I don’t blame you for being frustrated. But I am just being honest and letting you know what is running through my pea brain. Guess what, I am confused too! But that is honestly how I am feeling. I can’t be more honest than that.

I know you want definitive answers, and trust me it would probably make things a lot easier than what they are if I did. LOL. But I am not like that. I cannot decide how I feel on a dime. I often have very mixed feelings when it comes to things, especially when it is about some one I love sooo much, more than anything in the world. It is unfair to you, but I can’t help it, that is just the way I am. I see good things, bad things. My feelings are not black and white.

Maybe we would be better off if I didn’t share the feelings until I had a stronger leaning of one way or another. It might save some frustration and hurt feelings. I don’t know, its an idea. But you would have to be patient. I get frustrated with myself for not being more decisive.”

*****************

I finished reading the letter and we had another talk. Obviously our communication skills went totally down the drain and neither of us was very clear about our wants or needs. We are going to work on that. I can understand where Jack is coming from, and he raises some valid concerns about the situation. I will respect his wish for K and I to stop talking for a while, and we shall see what happens. No matter what, K and I will always be friends, even if we have to end our sexual relationship.

I am going to try not to be too distressed about it. I am going to miss K, and it is going to be hard for me to not talk to him, especially since I don’t have many close friends to begin with.

During this time I am going to finish reading The Ethical Slut and will be posting a bunch of my favorite quotes from the book here.

Thank you for everyone who reads this blog an offers me your support and encouragement. I certainly need it right now.