Sometimes I Hate Blogging
Posted on February 15th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
I promised you the uncomfortable emotional stuff along with all the hot sexy stuff, so here goes.
I will admit, I am almost afraid to write this post, thanks to some of the negative comments I have received as of late.
There isn’t much point in blogging if one can’t be honest about things though, so I’m going to write it anyway, and people can say or think whatever they want. The only people that really know anything about the situation are the people directly involved.
K and I haven’t known each other that long. A month and a half at best. We have spent a LOT of time talking (on the phone, on IM, and face to face). Over the time that we have known each other, I have started to develop some feelings for K, beyond just ‘acquaintance that I have sex with’.
I’m not in love with him, at least not at this point, but I care for him a great deal and he is very special to me.
I was as prepared as a person can be for this sort of thing to happen. I know that whenever you start into this sort of open arrangement there is always the possibility that you are going to meet someone that you really connect with, and then the natural thing happens and you begin to feel a lot of affection for them.
I also know that this has happened to me before. I have been very in love with one person, only to find myself having strong feelings towards someone else at the same time. It has been happening since my earliest relationships, and of course they all came to bad ends, except of course with Jack.
I have done a lot of contemplating on the situation. You know me, always thinking. I discussed it with my best friend, and with Jack. And then I made an error. I assumed that Jack was prepared for this sort of situation to arise, and I also assumed that he understood my feelings regarding K without spelling them out for him. Big mistake on my part. I was being self-centered and selfish, I’ll be the first to admit it.
So I decided to tell K how I felt.
I have a tremendously hard time being vulnerable with men. In addition, I have this very bad defense mechanism where as soon as I feel someone is getting too close to me I get all crazy and act like a total hag in an effort to push them away. Both of those things were making it nearly impossible for me to express myself to K, even when he asked me straight up how I felt about him.
Finally I decided to nut up and just call him and tell him. We had a good talk, I told him that I love him as a friend and that he is important to me and I value our relationship. It went well, the earth did not explode, and after I got off the phone I felt good about it.
Jack got home late so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him about it that evening, nor before he left for work the next day. So while he was a work I wrote him a big long letter about it and also to reassure him that all is well between he and I, that nothing will ever compromise my love for him or our marriage, etc. He read it when he got home.
It did not go over well.
Jack was understandably distressed, and I made it worse by getting defensive, and then selfish. We spent a little time apart, collecting our respective thoughts, and then we talked some more.
I can’t totally speak for Jack here, but he said that he was feeling threatened and angry. He knows that I love him, but he is still susceptible to feelings of jealousy (as am I).
I did what I could to be supportive and reassure him that nothing will ever change how I feel about him. Jack is one who has to work through these kinds of things on his own time before he can really discuss it, so I didn’t try to drag anything out of him or make him answer a lot of questions about his feelings.
The next day we talked again a little bit. Jack wasn’t angry anymore, but he still had his reservations about the situation. Jack knows me, sometimes better than I know myself. He knows that I can let my feelings get totally ahead of my logic. Jack is way more rational about emotional stuff than I am, which is good, he keeps me grounded and puts things into perspective for me. He was concerned about how fast everything was happening, which makes sense.
Because of all these things we decided that I should cool it with K for a little while. I am not ending it by any means, but simply taking a step back to get my bearings and gain a little objectivity.
Naturally I miss K. I enjoy his company, but I also know that this is necessary, for me and for Jack. He needs time to decide how he feels about this new development. I need time to figure out if these feelings are the real deal or if I am just confusing infatuation for something more.
I don’t know where things will go, I can’t predict the future. This is uncharted territory for us and we are navigating it the best we can.