Stiletto Diaries

Modest Is Hottest

Posted on June 11th, 2008 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Feel The Beat, Made In Ontario, Mating And Relating, Polyamory, Tie Me Up

My baby girl was released from hospital this afternoon, much to our joy.

Coming home was a bit odd.  I’d been so focused on her the past couple of days, spending all but a few hours in the hospital with her, when we finally got home I just felt anxious.  Not about her health, since she’s on the mend, which makes me incredibly happy because it could have been worse.  It was more like being unsure what to do with myself now that she did not require my constant attention.

I sat down with my drum for a while while Jack took her upstairs to nap.  There’s something cathartic about loosing yourself in the rhythmic motion and sounds of drumming.  The worries and anxiety seemed to drain away, absorbed by the simple yet primal music I was able to create, all on my own.  It felt really good, since I’d found myself missing my drum while I was in the hospital.  I think discovering drumming has allowed me to connect with something inside myself that I hadn’t uncovered before.

I hadn’t been certain I’d be able to attend the kink munch tonight, but Jack encouraged me to get out for a bit.  Even though it had only been a couple of days, I felt so disconnected from my life, it was a relief to get out and be amongst people who were not wearing scrubs.

Varick was planning on being there and as I drove to the meeting place, I wondered to myself how he would act towards me in public.  Now I certainly do not harbour any illusions that we are a couple or even ‘dating’ per sae, but I also do not tolerate having someone I’m sleeping with completely snub me or pretend otherwise in public.

He was already there when I arrived, and after hugging and greeting the others whom I was familiar with, I arrived at him and he stood to hug me.  As we hugged a conversation was started with someone next to us, and still he kept his arm around me, and not just casually, but tightly, while we had a discussion with this other person.  That was a good sign, although he’d not kissed me and generally he always kisses me when we see each other.

I sat down next to him and his body language was positive and affectionate.  He leaned his head against me, and kissed me several times.  People certainly seemed to get the impression that are ‘together’ in some capacity, as remarks were made about asking his permission to play with me.  He and I looked at each other with a mix of uncertainty and amusement.  There has been no formal establishment of what we are in regards to the BDSM community.  Play partners certainly, but is he my Dom?  Am I his sub?  Who even knows.  I think that incident will be an excellent way to bring this up in the near future, just so that we both feel like we’re on the same page.  Would he appreciate me asking before playing with anyone else, just to be considerate?  Do I expect him to do the same?  Certainly I don’t feel the need for him to ask or inform me of his play with other people, unless it could possibly effect our current arrangement, or the status of our sexual health.  If he has unprotected sex with another woman, I’d like to know that information so that I am better able to make informed decisions about my own involvement with him.

Really I am not making a bit ‘to do’ about this, or feeling anxious, it just presented an interesting question that neither of us had given much thought to (obviously) and something that I feel is worth discussing, even in the context of teaching him more about the nature of kink relationships.

The munch was great fun, and it was nice to see Deja and some other friendly acquaintances.  Varick and I discussed the possibility of going to a kinky camping weekend in August together.  The fact that he seemed keen on making such plans with me leads me to believe that he sees this arrangement as continuing on for at least the next little while, which is quite pleasing.  I just love camping, and the site that hosts this particular event is actual a camp ground specifically for gay males.  The weekend is described as a ‘pansexual event’ which can only mean loads of good things as far as I am concerned.  Varick whispered a few interesting ideas in my ear, most of which included various types of bondage to trees and what he would like to do to me once I was secured out of doors at his disposal.

He and I also made plans to go shopping together very soon for leather gear, since he would very much like a pair of leather boots, and leather anything does it for me.  I think I’ve got him convinced that a pair or leather pants would indeed be a wise purchase on his part as well.  The vision of him wearing them is enough to make my girl bits tingle.  Certainly I am looking forward to this shopping trip.

After we said our goodbyes with a prolonged kiss outside, I headed over to Nia’s for a quick visit and a run to Starbucks.  It was nice to hang out with her some before she leaves this weekend for another part of the province to house sit for her family.  We’re not going to see each other much between now and August due to a lot of craziness in our respective schedules.

I can’t wait for this weekend to really let loose and party with Padme :)  We’ve been counting down forever and now it’s just a day and a half away!!!

Jack is waiting for me in bed so I’m going to hurry up and publish this so I can join him.  Thanks again for the comments and notes I received in regards to our little one.  They gave me lots to smile about when I came home today to check my e-mail