Stiletto Diaries

I’m Not A Whore. I’m A Relationship Technician.

Archive for June, 2006

Worry not my pretties, I have not abandoned you.

Life has just decided to overload me with many many things at once. I feel so overwhelmed I can hardly breath from the strain of it.

Anyway, I really have a lot to catch you up on so I must do so quickly because I have about 500 other things that I need to get done.

We shall begin with last week on Wednesday. The young man I was supposed to be meeting for drinks on Thursday had to cancel on me last minute due to some family issues. Since I had already designated that block of time to going out, I decided to invite out another recent friend of mine, whom I shall call H.

H is also poly, and as it turns out we know a lot of the same poly people. Apparently we are quite an incestuous little community, LOL.

So Thursday night I met H at a pub. We had wings (well I did, H is a vegetarian) and beer and chatted about all manner of things. I was only a little bit nervous, but H is easy to talk to, and we’ve been chatting online long enough that I felt more at ease with him than I normally do with new people.

We left the pub and went for a bit of a walk until we found a nice place to loiter for a while. H is rather attractive, and I really like him as a person. We had a really good time together, although I wasn’t really sure that he was interested in me beyond friends because he wasn’t ‘putting the moves’ on me.

It was getting late, and we both had things to do the next day, so we hugged (he’s an excellent hugger!) and exchanged a quick kiss and parted ways. It was an awesome date and I really hope I can see him again soon.

My original plans ended up being changed due to circumstances beyond our control (I was actually relieved to not have to deal with the L situation). I ended up going to my mother’s for the weekend. Nothing eventful occurred, and we got back Sunday night.

Something was wrong with my cell phone so I was talking to K online and we ended up fighting. Which continued on all day yesterday via e-mail. A lot of things got misunderstood, and we were both upset, so I went in to see him last night and sort things out in person.

We went for a drive and talked. I clarified some statements I made that had caused him to feel attacked. He explained why he had gotten defensive, and we worked it all out. Lately it feels like he and I are at each other more often. I think perhaps the situation has just been wearing on us, and we don’t usually get to talk about issues in person.

Also, K has made friends with someone new, who happens to be a female, and even though there is nothing sexual going on (yet!) I feel somewhat threatened by her. She lives closer to him and they are able to spend more time together than he and I are. Sunday they went to the zoo together (with some other friends) and for some reason that made me really annoyed. I think it’s because K hasn’t done a lot of things around the city, and I like doing ‘first time’ stuff with him. Like he’s never been to the zoo before, and I dunno, I guess I am sort of possessive about getting to do things like that with him. However, I know how totally unfair and ridiculous that is, so I am trying to let it go. Besides, I never said to him “I’d like to go to the zoo with you” so it’s not like he did anything wrong. Since then I have called shotgun on a few events/places that I specifically want to take him to before anyone else does. Selfish of me? Perhaps. I would like a few things to be special for just him and I, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

Jack does the same thing with me. He loves doing ‘first time’ things with me. He took me to my first concert. Took me for my first weekend in Banff. My first time to Jasper. My first time eating sushi. He’s planning to take me to Vegas for my first time as soon as we can. Those memories are so special to me now, because I was with someone I loved, experiencing things I had never experienced before. Jack has gone to incredible lengths for me many times, to make my life so wonderful and full of surprises. It’s cool to be able to do that for K sometimes as well, since I know how it made me feel that someone cared enough to go to all the trouble.

And I know I’m not the only one with this complex. I talked to V about it and she can totally understand. She’s the same way, maybe we all are on some level. To me going someplace or doing something with someone who has never been or done, is almost as good as going or doing the first time yourself. Even better if you actually haven’t either!

Anyway, the rest of this week is going to be crazy. I have in-laws coming to visit, I work every single day this week (not normal for me but I picked up two extra shifts), and some landscaping stuff is in the works. Lot of fun for me, very boring for the blog which will not get a lot of attention. I usually say that and then end up blogging ever day, LOL, so we shall see. I have kind of a fun meme/interactive commenter thing I plan to post tomorrow, so I hope all my fantastic readers will participate in that. It was created for livejournal and I am still sort of unsure how I can make it work for blogger, but I’ll figure it out.

On a final note, thank you to all the people who commented on my last HNT post :D I was starting to wonder if maybe no one really wanted to see my gratuitous ass pictures. So glad I was proved wrong :P I will be posting an HNT again this week, so look forward to that (and keep it up with the comment love).

Oh, one more thing, LOL. Attention everyone whom Jack and I chat to on messenger (K, O, H, Padme, and all the rest of you without a designated letter) just wanted to let you know that something horrid has happened and we cannot run messenger. We get an error message when we try to start messenger that says a required file was not found. We tried uninstalling and reinstalling, no dice. If anyone has any advice about this, e-mail me or comment, please!

At this rate I may never finish this post, LOL. I am not one to cater to my readers, since this blog is my space for whatever I want. But I have recently kicked off a new fitness challenge for myself (I want to lose 24 pounds by my 24th birthday in a couple of months). Just curious if anyone here would want to read about that at all. I do try to keep this blog focused on poly and that sort of thing, but sometimes I want to write about other things, like weight loss, and it seems silly to start a separate blog for that. I know I can write about whatever I like, but it helps if I know at least a few people wanna read about what I am going to say. So if you don’t mind reading about how my run went yesterday morning or what I ate this morning, just let me know.

Now, since I have already hung around here long enough, I have to git going. I hope that everyone is having a great week. Have some chocolate for me since I am doing a cleanse where I cannot eat any refined sugars. Adios!

When I Think About You, I Touch Myself

Hope you enjoy this week’s HNT photo. I am rather disappointed with the lack of enthusiastic responses last week, come on guys, show me some lovin.

I may be a little late for spring cleaning, LOL, but there are a few modifications happening on this blog that I wanted to announce.

First of all, since I started this place, I have had it set up so that every post shows up on the main page. That way people could just scroll to the bottom and start reading up from there to get the whole story. Well that worked well until the blog got so big. Now it takes a little longer to load than I prefer (especially on my senior citizen of a laptop). So I will be changing that around and people will have to click through the monthly archives to read me from start to finish.

Secondly, I mentioned a while ago that the list of rules had come up for re-evaluation. I am going to post the changes we have agreed on thus far, however, I will not be changing the original list. In fact, I am going to try and remember the rules we started off with before the first set of changes, so that I can add links to the sidebar about the evolution of our rules. Sound like a good plan?

Watch for the new rules to get posted today or tomorrow.

Plus I actually have something else of interest to mention. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I received a text message from L. You may remember L from this post, and this one as well.

Anyway, basically he messaged me because he is coming to the city this weekend and wants to know if he can see me…and fuck me. Well, considering I haven’t heard from him since the end of March, immediately it felt like a ‘use job’. We had sex, I don’t hear from him again until he wants some more tail, how sweet (NOT). I know it’s my own doing, ever since he’s known me I’ve always been the really flirty type. I’m sure he also thinks I’m a little bit of a slut because I cheated on my boyfriend with him way back in the day. So that has probably led him to believe that I am game for just random fucking, which is not the case, but I can’t blame the guy for seeing me that way. Also, L is pretty loose when it comes to morality. Like he wouldn’t think anything of having sex with me even if Jack did NOT know about it. He would also likely have sex with me even if he was otherwise involved. As I said to V, L and morals don’t meet up very often, he’s just that sort of guy who is pretty self-centered. He is also inclined to try and pressure people to get what he wants (I’ve known the guy like 9 years, I’ve seen him in action plenty of times).

Yes, him and I used to be very good friends, and I still like him as a person, and he does have good qualities. I probably associate a lot of negativity with him due to the fallout from the last time I saw him. K and I were restricted for over a month because Jack couldn’t trust me. Not fun times.

Annnnnnnnnnyway, I have agreed to get together with L, and I invited K and V to come along. Possibly Jack as well if my mom has our kids for the weekend. I just feel a little uncomfortable being around him alone, even though I am sure we’d be getting together at a bar or something, and probably along with the people he is down here staying with. Still, I just figured having some friends there would make it less awkward for me.

On top of that, Thursday night I am meeting a new guy for coffee (no he is not a romantic interest). He’s another poly person who has recently moved to Calgary and is looking to make some friends who are open minded in our rather conservative city. I started talking to him via OkCupid, which I have been meaning to mention and add to my sidebar.

OkCupid is a sort of dating site, but it matches you with other people based on questions that everyone answers. You can answer as few as 30 questions to get matches, but the more you answer the better (there are currently over 2000 active questions). When you fill out your profile, you can work a lot of searchable keywords into it, like rock climbing or quilting, or polyamory, so that other people with similar interests can find you. This site is VERY poly friendly, and I have been talking to a lot of really cool open minded local people. I highly recommend it, even if you are just looking for friends (like me, since you can specify on your profile if you want friends, romance, sex, etc).

I think that about covers it for today. Hope ya’ll are having a good week :D

Dance! Dance! Dance!If you have been over to K’s blog in the last day or two you will know that we had a really good time on Friday night. To be honest with you, initially I was dreading it. In the later afternoon K and I were talking a bit on IM and he was not in the best mood. I think his last message to me was “We need to talk later, and it’s gonna be a long one”.

So I am thinking “Ok, well, hopefully V and K’s roommate hit it off because K and I are probably going to be having a private conversation for most of the night.” I had that sinking feeling in my stomach.

I got to V’s place and we started to get ready. I was up in her room when she brought me my phone and said “It’s K, he wants to tell you he loves you.”

He and I talked briefly. He wanted to tell me that he was doing his best to be understanding, but that regardless of all this stuff, he still loves me anyway. To say I was relieved is a huge understatement. I told him that I loved him too and that I was looking forward to seeing him.

V and I finished getting beautiful and then headed to the bar. K and his roommate were there, along with a few of their other friends. It didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, V and I sat down with them and ordered some drinks.

A little later K and I left for a bit so that I could give him his gift (belated birthday presents) and we could have a chat without having to scream over the music. He wanted to make some requests about my seeing other people and I was more than happy to hear him out. I think that basically he just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to be replaced, that I wasn’t going to parade around any other guys in front of him, and also that he would not be kept in the dark. I am really glad that he brought up his concerns. I know that sometimes (ok, most of the time) he isn’t really sure about his place, and he is sometimes reluctant to make requests of me because he doesn’t always feel entitled to do so. All in all it went really well and neither of us got overly upset/defensive/emotional.

We went back into the bar after a bit and I commenced trying to catch up with V as far as drinks (yes, I still stubbornly maintain that we are not alcoholics in any way, shape, or form). Usually I drink faster than her, but she got a head start on me while I was talking to K.

We were all having a great time. V and K’s roommate did hit it off. Well, to be more accurate he was putting the moves on her shamelessly and she was just being her normally friendly self. Her and DF are still together after all, even though he is out of town for work.

The four of us danced, the band was descent, and a few hot guys were checking me out, which was nice. However, I was more interested in playfully teasing K with a little dirty dancing (although like he said in his post, it was still pretty tame, especially for me who has practically had sex on a bar dance floor in the past). All it really served to do was make up both hot and sexually frustrated, but we behaved ourselves (rather I molested V and hit on girls in the bathroom in the hopes of getting some play, LOL). One night of fucking would not be worth killing any chance that we can be together again, so I kept that in mind and tried not to think about him naked too much, LOL.

The night wore on and eventually my guzzling gin and 7up like it was my final hour took it’s toll and my stomach politely informed me that it would not tolerate any more abuse. To prevent some rather disgusting gastric acrobatics, K and I told V and the roommate that we’d meet them outside, and headed across the street to 7-11 for something to eat. I had some sort of imitation luncheon meat sandwiched between two slices of what felt and tasted like thick wet cardboard, and damn it was delicious. Dirt tastes appealing if you drink enough.

We sat on the curb and yapped, I tried to convince K to let me climb a tree that was behind us. He stopped me (luckily) so I am not writing this from the hospital. After a while I got impatient with those drunks we had been waiting for (:P LOL, kidding V, kidding). So K went back in and told them that we would meet them back at K’s place. It was nice that we only had to walk across the street to get there.

I was hitting “Must Pass Out” zone, so I gave Jack a call to tell him I was ok and that I was at K’s place waiting for V to get back. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation really. I wished him a goodnight and told him that I love him and then V and the roommate came down the stairs. V came and plunked down beside me in K’s bed and we chatted for a bit. K came in to make sure we had blankets, and to grab his extra comforter to go sleep on the couch. V did her usual pass out method where I am talking to her and she just goes silent mid-sentence. I pretty much followed immediately after.

K’s ‘bed’ (you can’t even call it that) is horrendous to sleep on. I woke up every 20 minutes with some part of me in stabbing pain. I am used to a softer sleeping surface, LOL. I woke up far too early and drug myself out to the kitchen for water.

K was crashed out on the couch but he woke up somewhat when I passed on my way to the bathroom. After I peed and got water I sat down on the couch with him and we chatted away for a while. Then his roommate got up, and eventually V. We debated going for breakfast but I figured I’d better not push it being out all day. We opted to go to Second Cup and grab some ‘coffee’ (except none of us drank coffee, LOL, I had one of their Chocolate Chillers, which is basically chocolate milk blended with ice, YUMMY!). The four of us sat on the grass and BS’d for a bit. Then we parted ways and I took V back to her place and headed home.

The rest of the weekend was also awesome. Got to spend some more time with V and then made Jack a fantastic dinner for Father’s Day. He took the kids to the park and watched a movie with them. He is such a great dad, I felt like I should have done more to make his day special, but according to him it was pretty perfect. I was sad that the weekend had to end.

My mother will hopefully be taking our kids for a few days in the near future, so that Jack and I can get some landscaping done. I am looking forward to having some free time with him, and even though we will have to spend all the days working in the yard, I hope we can go out at least one night and have dinner or something.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

P.S. Go Edmonton Oilers!

*Chias, I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed this little phrase from you :)

Well well, here I thought that this blog would just be boring as hell after recent events. It turns out that I find ways to keep at it, and not all of them involve me whining and wallowing in my misery! I am perhaps better at blogging than I previously thought ;)

Lots of very important stuff to cover in this post, so lets get down to it shall we?

Recently I have been reading Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah M. Anapol. It’s really a great read if you can get past the beginning where she sort of comes off sounding like one of those ‘evolutionary poly people’ (meaning that some poly people see themselves as more evolved than monogamousts, because they are somehow ‘better’ for being poly). Of course it got me thinking, which usually leads to talking, and then to blogging.

In the book, the end chapters talk a lot about how to figure out what you want from poly and your choice of non-monogamy. I discusses how many poly people compromise themselves to the point of being quietly miserable, just for the sake of avoiding conflict. All sorts off good brain food to get the ol’ wheels turning.

It really made me think a lot about where Jack and I were when we started our open marriage. I mean, we didn’t have a CLUE about what we were doing, we basically headed into it thinking that having a little recreational sex would be fun. We hadn’t read anything about it, or really discussed the possibility of one of us developing serious feelings for anyone else. I think that really, neither of us thought that it would happen.

Of course then K came along, and you pretty much know the rest of the story.

Now we are at a different place. We have learned more than we ever imagined, and I thought that it would be a good time to reevaluate and discuss what direction we want to go from here on out. In order to do that very well, I decided that I needed to figure out my goals and expectations in regards to our relationship and what I want in the future from outside relationships.

I thought a lot about how I felt during my relationship with K, and how I feel about the concept of poly in general. I reflected on past relationships because all though the time that I was dating I would either have serious feelings for more than one guy at a time, or I wanted to date around and not commit. I always thought that it was really shitty having to chose between two perfectly great guys, but I chalked it up to being young and not really knowing what was good for me or what I wanted.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can ‘do’ monogamy. Jack and I were totally happy and content being monogamous, and I am sure that I could have quite happily continued just being with him. In fact for the most part, I was the hardcore monogamoust between us, as he really had a low level of jealousy when it came to me flirting with other guys. I mean, guys have blatantly made passes at me right in front of him and he doesn’t bat an eye. Jack really has no trouble sharing me sexually, he just doesn’t get jealous about it.

Emotionally is a different story, I know that he struggled a lot with my feelings for K. I think that really it was more about the speed and intensity with which the feelings developed that surprised us all, but of course Jack was on the outside more or less, so it was more profoundly upsetting for him.

So since my breakup with K, Jack and I have been making all sorts of amazing progress in our relationship.

I want to start expanding my network of poly friends, both intimate friends and more casual acquaintances. Build myself a little (or big) pack if you will. I want to have heaps of people around me that I love, like a big extended family.

Jack and I were just discussing how wonderful it is to have people in our lives that we can be totally real with. I mean, with our families, co-workers, and other friends we are always holding back, always suppressing things about ourselves. With these new people we have met everything is laid out on the table at the beginning, take us or leave us. It’s so refreshing and new to be able to be totally yourself with people and have them love and accept you.

I told Jack about what I want, about expanding our circle, and surprisingly he was very supportive of that vision. I think that perhaps the whole thing with K was too focused, too intense all at once. Plus in the rough stages, Jack did not have any support he could turn to, now he is building his own little network, and our growth individually and as a couple has been astounding.

We have even made strides about my relationship with K. Jack is encouraging K and I to continue our friendship. He fully supports my feelings for K, he knows how much I love him, and that regardless those feelings will not change. He is really working on his trust issues that developed when K and I broke the rules and were deceitful. Jack and I are renegotiating some of the rules as well, which is very positive. Jack feels that given some more time, he will most likely get comfortable with K and I resuming our sexual relationship.

All very excellent and wonderful.

Until I had to talk to K about it.

See, K is monogamous.

He accepts having to share me with Jack, because he would never ever want to cause trouble with my marriage, and also he would rather be with me and have to share me with Jack, than not be with me at all.

Sharing me with others is a whole different story.

He and I talked last night. He was so angry and hurt, I just felt like I was breaking his heart again. He went through the expected responses: feeling replaced, like he is not good enough, why can’t I be satisfied with just having him and Jack? Doesn’t he make me happy enough? Etc.

I tried so hard to explain that I love him, it’s not about how happy he makes me, or him being good enough. It’s about me, and what I want out of life. He just doesn’t seem to understand. He feels that I don’t love him, that I have been using him, that it’s all about sex for me.

I just…I never intended for this to happen. I love K, just as I love Jack, but I want more, or at least I want the option should the opportunity arise. It’s NOT about sex for me, I may not find anyone else that I can love and want to be intimate with, but I thought that it would be better to tell K that I am open to that possibility, rather than wait until it’s actually happening.

After I talked to K I was very upset and Jack was just so supportive. I am so so lucky to have him. There are so many good things happening for us, way too much to talk about it one post. I just wish that things could be simple, just once, and K could love and accept me for who I am.

He feels that this is really the end of our relationship, and I want him to know that it doesn’t have to be. If he can get past this, him and I can have a wonderful and very long-lived relationship. It would also demonstrate to Jack a certain level of maturity and self-awareness that could go a long way towards mending things. I feel like so many great things are falling into place for Jack and I, but this sort of throws a wrench in it because I find myself wanting to put K first. To bend to his desires (after all, is it fair to ask him to bend to mine??) and be polyfi with he and Jack. But I feel like I am finally just starting to do things for me again, and not compromising so much. I love K, but I don’t want to do that to myself again.


Am I being unreasonable? I can totally understand if K is just not able to do this. I don’t expect him to change just for me, nor do I think it’s fair for me to change for him, nor for Jack, nor for anyone for that matter! In fact I’ve dealt with a lot of my own jealousy over K, to the point now that I could happily share him if he decided to go that direction. I don’t want to lose him, and for the first time in a while I really feel like we have a good chance of doing it right. However, if he decides that he cannot be with me under these circumstances, I will respect his choice, and I will hope that he and I can remain good friends. Truthfully he has become one of the best friends I have.

Tonight V and I are going to be meeting up with K, his roommate, and perhaps various other people at a bar to have a night out. I am looking forward to it, despite the awkward feelings that are occurring presently.

To Jack, and all of my readers who have children, I wish you the very best Father’s Day ever! Take time to appreciate the little things, like pen holders made out of soup cans covered in felt, or ceramic polar bears painted 12 different colors, none of which are white. Do a better job than my dad did, and tell you kids how much you love them.


HNT Is Here Again

Cute Cuffs!

Continuing from the same set of photos as last week, here is my contribution to HNT.



Column Updates

In all the recent ups and downs I have forgotten to post notices about my column. Yes I am still writing it, they have not revoked my poly card just because I have been terrible at it thus far. Here are the last two editions for your enjoyment:

Fighting Fair

Advanced Scheduling 101

Links to be added to my sidebar as soon as I get around to it, LOL

1. I am really old for my age

2. Age is really more of a state of mind, as far as I can tell

3. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl, they are fabulous, and tones of fun

4. We have four betta fish that are really high maintenance.

5. I love horses and pretty much all animals, I would like to have horses of my own again someday

6. Cows are for eating, their hides are for whip-making, get over it PETA

7. I like lizards, I had a pet iguana for a while when Jack and I were dating.

8. Jack is not fond of reptiles, so I sold the iguana and used the money to buy Jack a wedding band

9. I am REALLY afraid of spiders, they are the eight-legged spawn of Satan

10. I love to cook and bake and so forth. I have mad skills in the kitchen

11. If I had the time, I would seriously consider opening my own restaurant

12. I have more parents and grandparents than I need

13. I was adopted

14. I have met my birth-mother and even lived with her.

15. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister, I am the oldest in the family

16. My parents are divorced, I was raised by my mom, my dad is an ass who is married to the woman he had an affair with when he was with my mom.

17. The best male role-model in my life was my grandfather, he taught me a lot about life. He is my hero

18. I have had 9 different jobs in my life

19. Being a mom has been the best one so far

20. I never finished college, but I’d like to go back someday

21. I have done some really dumb things in my life, but I don’t blame anyone but myself. I try to learn from the mistakes I’ve made, even though sometimes I don’t grasp the importance of the lesson right away.

22. I have done drugs, many different kinds, I am not proud of that, but it was a life experience and for that I am grateful

23. I am an ex-smoker. I still smoke socially when I go drinking, but lucky me, I don’t crave them in between times

24. I believe that a person should try not to let their shit own them. Horrible things have happened to me, and to most of the people I know, but you deal with it and live your life for yourself, don’t use your past as an excuse.

25. I am still a little afraid of the dark

26. My motto for life is “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” and I got that from my grandfather, he used to say it when I was scared of something

27. One of my goals in life is to swim from Alcatraz (yes, the prison) to the mainland. I hope that I don’t get eaten by sharks

28. I have eaten parts of a cow that you do not find at the supermarket

29. I have eaten porcupine… And frogs legs

30. I would love to visit Australia someday

31. I am a perfectionist, and I think that it is one of my best and worst qualities

32. I like lists and schedules and organization

33. I love to read, my favorite (fiction) books are Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. For non fiction I like self-help books, sexuality, that sort of thing.

34. I still watch cartoons, even when my kids aren’t with me

35. I love to garden and keep plants. I have a houseplant that is older than me which was given to me by my mother.

36. My favorite holiday is New Years. It’s not overly-commercialized, and I just love feeling like everyone gets a new start.

37. Martha Stewart is my idol. Some of my friends tease me about wanting to be just like her (in the sense that I like to do all the domesticated goddess type things). Truly though, she is brilliant.

38. I am surprisingly right wing when it comes to politics

39. I can worry enough to make myself throw up

40. I am a ‘closet’ country music fan

41. I love to go dancing at clubs. And I have got the moves, if I do say so myself

42. I seriously question pretty much all diets

43. I love to go running in the very very early morning (we’re talking 5:30 am)

44. I prefer action movies over ‘chick flicks’. Give me explosions and gunfire any day

45. I am a total tomboy

46. I know how to ride a horse, both english and western

47. I always swore that I would never drive a minivan, and now I do (but I am hoping to get a truck in the near future)

48. I live 2 hours from where I grew up

49. Chocolate is one of my greatest weaknesses

50. My favorite alcohol beverage is Gin with 7up

51. I think that my eyes are my most attractive feature

52. I met my husband on the internet in a chat room

53. We had sex the first time that we met in real life

54. I used to wear leather pants, a lot

55. I would really like to pursue photography more seriously

56. I boycott Petland because they support puppy mills

57. I do not boycott the Calgary Stampede because I just go for the rides

58. Someday I would love to open my own tea shop

59. I am a packrat in denial

60. I love Dr. Phil, even if he is a little close-minded

61. I rarely watch TV

62. I used to date some guys that I didn’t like, just for a free meal. I know, that is horrible, I am sure I am headed for the hot place

63. I love to make pottery; and no, Jack has never sat behind me and guided my hands while we listened to ‘Unchained Melody’

64. I prefer silver over gold

65. I like Coke, Pepsi is for pussies

66. I adore getting jewelry as gifts

67. I have visited elderly people that are not related to me (I used to do so quite often)

68. I have had plastic surgery (just once)

69. I am against organized religion for the most part. I was raised in a strong Catholic family, but I have issues with too many of the church’s teachings (obviously, LOL)

70. I cried during Terminator when the good-looking guy died

71. Very few people have ever seen me cry, but thousands of people have seen my naked rear end

72. My favorite food is lobster

73. I would love to learn how to do glass-blowing

74. The first time I had sex I was 17, it was not that great, and the guy turned out to be gay

75. I have a tattoo of a cartoon dragon in the middle of my back, and at least three more tattoos planned before I stop.

76. I love scrapbooking and quilting and drawing and painting

77. Jack was not the first person to ask me to marry him

78. I have had more than one lesbian experience

79. I have had sex with two different people in the same day and neither of them knew about the other (I was in college, I didn’t know any better)

80. I think that marriage is highly under-rated

81. I think that people who are almost 30 and still live with their parents are really pathetic (unless they have a really good reason)

82. I think that Canada’s favorite past time is not hockey, it is giving unwanted advice to new parents

83. I collect art glass

84. I have purchased things from e-bay (one of them was a chain maille bikini)

85. I have 2 best friends, I have known them going on 9 years, we tell each other pretty much EVERYTHING

86. My most embarrassing moment was when someone pantsed me in front of my male high school principal and I had failed to wear underwear that day

87. My heritage is mainly French, but no I can’t speak it at all, LOL

89. I am anti-war, anti-death penalty, and anti-violence

90. I do not think that abortion should be legal. If you want to act like an adult and have sex, be an adult and accept your responsibilities. Many problems in life cannot be solved by going to a family planning clinic, get over it. The only case I am willing to make an exception for is if the pregnancy is life-threatening to the mother.

91. I would like to write a book and have it published

92. I would like to try bow-hunting

93. I am often too open about my sex life

94. I think that smoking should be banned in any public place that allows children

95. I like my coffee with cream and sugar. I also *heart* grande non fat caramel lattes from Starbucks

96. I have never voted in any kind of election, and I never complain about politics

97. I detest people who try to shove their own values and beliefs down other peoples throats

98. I hate potatoes unless they are in french fry or chip form

99. I’d like to live in the country again

100. I love blogging :D

Edit: It was not your imagination or any hallucinogenic drugs you may have been on, there was a picture here of my piercing. After some discussion about protecting our secret vanilla identities, Jack and I decided that said photo (combined with the details in this blog) would probably lead any friends or family to correctly identify me should they see it. I mean, the picture is of a piercing, which is identifying in some respects, and also the fact that it is new, and our family’s are pretty smart…well we just didn’t wanna risk it. I know of at least one sex blogger who was approached by someone who recognized her by a necklace she was wearing that she had mentioned on the blog. The world is way too small and freaky deaky, plus I know from my stat counter that I have a plethora of readers both locally and in areas when family members live. We decided to be safe rather than sorry. And that is your very long and involved public service announcement for today :)

I got my eyebrow piercing yesterday!!!

It went really well actually, not even painful.

V had made the appointment for me and she and I went to it together. When we got there the woman who was going to be piercing me had us take a look at the different jewelry I could choose from. They had a tiny curved barbell with just balls at the ends, one with cone-shaped ’spikes’ and several with different colors of tiny gems. The plain one with the balls was the cheapest ($45.00) and since I didn’t want to pay another $20 bucks just to have to take it out in a couple of months, I picked the plain one. That way if Jack didn’t mind the piercing, I could always get myself something a little ‘fancier’ in a few months.

Once that was settled I paid (the piercing itself cost $30.00 so after GST it came to $80.25 total) and answered some questions, plus signed a release form. They just want to know if you have been drinking, if you are prone to bleeding or fainting, that sort of thing. She gave me an info sheet about aftercare and then V and I browsed the tattoo catalogues while we waited (and I found the perfect idea for my next tattoo!)

Unfortunately V couldn’t come with me into the room where the piercing actually happened. I felt a littler nervous, not really about the pain, I think it was mainly anticipation. While the woman got her equipment ready she ran through some more tips on caring for the piercing. She asked me if I had waited a long time to get this done and I told her that I had because past piercing experiences were not so good. She said that likely the major reason my previous two piercings (both done through the cartilage in my upper ear) got so infected were because (A) Neither was done by a professional (the second one was even done with a piercing gun, which she said shatters your cartilage and that increases swelling considerably) and (B) I didn’t know how to properly care for them (also very true). I was really relieved to hear that, as I was worried that this piercing would also come to a bad end. It also showed how much knowledge and experience she has with piercings (plus she had many, many of her own).

She swabbed my eyebrow with antiseptic and then marked two little dots to make sure I was happy with the placement. Then she measured to make sure that the barbell would be long enough for the markings she made. Everything was good, so she had me lay back on the table and explained that she was going to clamp my eyebrow and then I would feel a slight poke while she lined up the needle. So she went ahead and did that, lined up the clamp over the dots, and then got the needle into position. She told me to take a big breath in and out, and she slid the needle through on the exhale. It didn’t hurt at all really, like I would compare it to being stung by a bee. The needle was left in while she got the barbell. She said there might be a slight pinch while she put the jewelry in, but it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. Perhaps if my barbell had been a larger gauge (I picked the smallest) it might have been worse. Anyway, then she unclamped me and screwed the ball on the open end of the barbell. She tightened it up with these special pliers which are diveted to hold onto the ball. That was actually the only part that was even slightly uncomfortable, if only because the piercing was fresh and it had to be manhandled for a moment.

After that she had me sit up and cleaned the piercing thoroughly. She explained to me how to clean it, had me take a look to make sure I was happy with it, and sent me on my way telling me to call or come back in if I had any problems. She was really awesome and she made the whole experience super comfortable.

I am really very pleased with it. It’s small and doesn’t really draw a lot of attention, which is fine. I didn’t want to get anything too big since Jack was reluctant about it already. I think it just looks natural on my face, V said the same thing. It’s almost like I’ve always had it, it just sort of suits me.

It was a little tender afterwards, and there was a bit of swelling, but after an hour or two the swelling had disappeared, as had the redness, and it looked like a totally healed piercing. Now to just keep it very clean and not have it get infected.

After we were done at the piercing place, V and I debated what to do next. We wanted to hang out together a bit more so I suggested we go grab a coffee somewhere. She said that she was sort of hungry and wanted to go somewhere to eat. I said that was fine by me, but I wanted to stop by K’s first, since we were in the area, and show off my new piercing.

So we drove the short distance to his place and dropped in unexpectedly. He was surprised to see me, especially considering we haven’t seen each other in a month and a half. Anyway, I was debating in my head inviting him to come with us to get something to eat. I decided not to attach anything weird to it and just have him come out, just as my friend, since we were going anyway. So I invited him and he didn’t really know if it was a good idea, but V and I encouraged him so he agreed.

We headed over to a pub a couple blocks away (here we go with V and I having drinks again, LOL, I promise that we are really NOT alcoholics, despite what some people might say). We parked and got out and there was V talking to her ex-boyfriend. He had apparently been walking along, headed somewhere to grab some dinner. So, she invited him to join us.

Heh, talk about an odd little group. We were having a ‘double date’ with our respective ex’s.

We went into the pub and grabbed a booth, V and I on one side, her ex and K on the other. We ordered food and drinks and actually had a really great time! It didn’t feel weird for me, and we all laughed and joked around and told amusing stories about cow tipping and girl on girl action. Good times.

When the bill came K and V’s ex each paid for half, which I still feel sort of bad about, but V insisted that we allow them to insist, LOL. K and I left together, as did V and her ex, which was sort of funny. I took K back to his place, and then headed home. It was really good to see him, and I am glad that we were with V and her ex because I didn’t really have time to stew about missing him until the end. I managed a lot better than I expected.

I got home and helped Jack get the kids off to bed. He actually said that my piercing looks good and that he does not hate it. I think that ‘tolerable’ was the word he used, LOL.

We got the kids to bed, he did the supper dishes and I put in some laundry for him before we dragged ourselves up to bed. It was nice to cuddle up and fall asleep, since he was gone pretty much all weekend, I missed him a lot (also a good part of the reason that I was soo distraught in yesterdays post, I was alone and I missed Jack).

All in all my weekend was really good. I am feeling better today than I have in several weeks, and you cannot imagine how grateful I am for that.

http://postsecret.blogspot.comI keep forcing myself to blog. I am not sure why. I think that on some level I need to do something with all this sadness, need to validate it and make it real in some way. This is my outlet. Something that is mine and no one else’s, where I can peel back the layers and show you a part of me that I always keep hidden. I make myself come here, to write these words, to try and make peace with what is happening. So far it has not helped much, but I keep hoping that it will. Perhaps I don’t know what else to do, but I feel I must do something.

I talked to K again today. I fear that we will not be able to hang onto our friendship. Wanting more and not being able to have it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. He hurts, I hurt, there are many words that do not need to be said and we sort of fumble for things to say that will not violate this “Friends Only” arrangement. Pretending only infuriates me, like rubbing salt in the already gaping wound which is still bleeding quite freely.

He blogs about looking for someone else and it cuts deep and makes me want to die inside. I know he is trying to get through this in his own way, and I don’t expect him to wait around forever. The ugly hateful part of me whispers that he is already over it, I was never that important, easily forgotten…easily replaced. I don’t believe it, I know it isn’t true, but it hurts none the less. It adds fuel to my self-loathing and reinforces my fear that really, I am worthless.

On some level I understand him though. I would be lying if I said I had not considered going for a quick rebound. Anything to ease the pain, if only for a little while. Having someone make me feel good at a time when I feel so very very bad would be tempting.

That would not be worth the toll it would extract in the morning. The guilt alone would be enough to choke me. I know this, and should the opportunity present itself, I will not be lured in.

I have done this dance before, and this time I am wiser than I was in the past. I will not subject myself to a string of disappointing one night stands. I will not look for affection through sex or sell myself short and tell myself that I am only good for a quick fuck. I deserve better than that, I have had better than that, and I don’t think that I could settle for less now.

Perhaps really that is how we ended up here. I cannot be content with casual sex because I know how much better it is when you love the person you are with, and fucking for the sake of it is just not good enough for me. I think that I set out to make K fall in love with me, which was selfish, and I will probably never forgive myself for doing this to him.

The Cardigans - Good Morning Joan