Stiletto Diaries

I’m Not A Whore. I’m A Relationship Technician.

Archive for the ‘Emotional Angst’ Category


First of all, thank you so much for all of the awesome comments you left me yesterday.  I really enjoyed the feedback on the new site, and I’m very pleased that everyone seems to approve!  I’ve got gift packs on the go, and if I haven’t gotten your address yet, please it to me!

As excited as I am over the new digs and all of you lovely commenters, I felt ‘off’ all day, for no particular reason.  First I thought maybe it was because I haven’t done anything I would call useful today.  Frequently I get a little stressed out when I feel that I haven’t been productive over the course of the day.  I also worry that the things that I have done will not be the things that Jack wanted me to do, and that he will be disappointed with me.

Here’s a run down of my day and then I can examine it and decide if I’ve been productive or a slug:

7:00am - Got up, got dressed, got 2 kids dressed, fed them breakfast, made lunch for one child, made coffee, answered e-mails

8:30am - Take one child to school.  Pick up Nia and take her to gym.  Take small child with me to volunteer obligation for 9am-Noon

12:15pm - Tin Horton’s Drive-Thru for coffee

12:30pm - 1:30pm - Home Depot for pipe snake to unclog second floor toilet (I have no idea what got flushed down there) and house plant paraphaneila

1:30pm - 2:30pm - Garden Center for other house plant paraphaneila and hanging planters for plants who have outgrown current pots

2:45pm - Drop Nia off at home and head to school

3:00pm - Fetch older child from school

3:15pm - Stop at Dollar Store for bubble envelopes (for gift packs) and other paper goods

3:45pm - Get home, make snack for kids, check phone messages, call repair man back who I had forgotten was coming earlier that day, arrange new appointment time, check e-mail, address envelopes.

4:30pm - Repair man arrives, damage is worse than initially thought.  While he from the basement out to his truck and back 500 times I started re-potting what seemed like a million house plants.

6:00pm - Feed children, clean up massive dirt mess on the deck, talk to Jack on the phone and beg him to have mercy on me and bring home pizza.

6:15pm - Realize that period is due tonight/tomorrow and sigh with relief that I’m not actually going crazy, it’s just my hormones.

Now - Sit on couch and stare at Jack forlornly, asking him how he can possibly love me, since he would have been better off marrying a sloth, who likely would have proven more useful.

I guess it does seem like I did something, it’s just not important things (in my humble opinion) even though all of it did need doing sooner or later.

I really hate using my period to justify moodiness or bad behaviour.  Generally I make my very best effort to remind myself that I am not a slave to my emotions.  Today is just one of those days I suppose, and perhaps I need to cut myself some slack.

Padme suggested I treat myself to a hot bath tonight, maybe with a little wine and a bath bomb.  That sounds REALLY good right about now.  Maybe I can lure Jack into joining me.

I’m looking forward to the weekend and spending some time unwinding.


Fuck The Pain Away

Happy CatDisappointment is a funny thing. You can only feel disappointed if you’ve set yourself up for such things through beliefs and expectations. I’m fond of saying that expectations are dumb, and are the fastest route to general unhappiness.

For the most part I make a very conscious effort to avoid expectations. I realize that sometimes it happens without a lot of thought, but really, I do my best not to have them.

Last night I somehow slipped, formed an expectation in the back of my mind, and as a result was thoroughly and completely disappointed.

I don’t feel like getting into details, but lets just say a last minute get together did not go at all like I had wanted it to. This wouldn’t have been so terrible had the result not been a bit of a blow to my ego.

Other than that, the weekend was brilliant. I got to have coffee with my friend Rob, who wrote that excellent book I reviewed some months ago. We swapped stories over lattes in Starbucks, discussing writing and relationships and the party I’ve mentioned here (which he will be attending, along with his lovely girlfriend).

We eventually had to bid each other a good day, since I had other commitments. It was a lovely way to start off Sunday at any rate.

Off to Miri’s house for diner lunch and coffee, followed by relationship discussion and much venting about males and how inconvenient they often are. We snuggled some, since she was nursing a hangover and I was nursing my slighted pride. It was good to have a girls bitch session and some fairly innocent cuddling :P

Around supper time I figured I’d better head home. I hadn’t slept well at all (I rarely do in unfamiliar places) and it was a long haul back to our house. Reluctantly I wished her a good evening and off I went. Thank god for Tim Horton’s and satellite radio.

Self-inflicted disappointments aside, it was a pretty alright weekend. My period is starting today, and I didn’t have ANY PMS, thanks to my regular working out and drinking lots of water. I’m going to keep on my gym schedule this week, and I have a waxing appointment on Saturday, which is always more painful around this time, but I can take it.

Blogging may be light for the next week or so. I bought paint for our house interior over the weekend, which means I will be spending a lot of my time scantily clad with a roller in my hand. I like to paint in my underwear. Perhaps I will grace you with photos.

February is almost over, which hopefully means spring is upon us. I’ve had enough of the snow. On to the nice weather!

Ex-Lovers can often be a precarious topic, particularly when there is a lot of complicated history involved, and especially when one wishes to write about them, knowing they will read it.

I mentioned in a recent post that K and I had been working on getting past some of the bitterness and bad feelings left over from all that happened towards the end of our romantic relationship. We’ve remained somewhat friends over the past year or so, although it often felt strained, and I kept him at arms length or further. I really did not want him to get the impression that I had anything more than a passing interest in him or his life, which is totally rude, and I’m a bit ashamed to even admit it. It would have been kinder and more honest to just cut him loose completely, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t seem to do that.

Recently I’ve been working a lot on myself, and on changing things that I am dissatisfied with in my life. My attitude towards him was near the top of the list because I didn’t want to continue the way we had been. It wasn’t fair to him, and that’s not truly the sort of person I am, so something had to give.

I’ve let the walls down…confiding in him again, a little at a time. Allowing myself to feel closer to him, to be open, and to act like the kind of friend I really am. We’ve had some really good conversations and I stopped feeling like I had to push him away constantly.

And then something unexpected happened. I realised that the reason I’d been holding him off so vigilantly, the reason I’d bothered building the walls at all, was because there were still some feelings there that I didn’t want to have to deal with. In spite of all that has gone on, I guess those sorts of things never really leave you completely. I pushed them so far down I had assumed they were gone completely, which was naive and unrealistic, especially for me.

I think that keeping my distance saved me from having to admit it to myself, or to even acknowledge it. Really it all started because I was determined to be done with him, and it’s difficult to detest someone when you also love them. Rather than just accept that I would probably always feel affection for him on some level, it was easier for me to just be angry and bitter and hold on to all of those negative feelings. It wasn’t a conscious effort on my part, and it evolved that way over a stretch of time, so that I didn’t really realize it was happening.

So, now that I’ve decided to let go of the past and all of the unpleasantness of that time, these other feelings are making their way back to the surface. Really I wasn’t prepared for it, and I am not entirely sure how to handle it or what is considered ‘proper behaviour’ in these situations.

Clearly we cannot get back together, and I don’t think I really want that because it would be pointless and frustrating with the distance. I don’t think that our friendship is headed into that territory at all, so it’s not a concern.

I think we’ve come to a mutually agreeable arrangement that can best be described as good friends, with occasional benefits. To be perfectly honest, I miss the sex, which was always quite satisfying. I’ve been feeling discouraged and annoyed with the lack of new connections out here, which perhaps adds to the attraction. K is familiar and comfortable and we’ve already seen each other naked more times than I could count. I know that he knows how to make me purr, and we certainly had a ton of sexual chemistry back when we were a couple.

He’s hoping to come out for a visit in April, to attend a party I am throwing, and to see some of Ontario. By then it will have been 10 months since the last time we saw each other, so it will be nice to hang out again. Especially minus all the drama that seemed to never end when I lived back in Calgary.

Please spare me the “Don’t get involved with him again” since it’s not going to be like that. How involved can we get living 2,000 miles apart and perhaps only hanging out in person once a year? I don’t do long distance romance, and I’m just relived that we can have comfortable conversation again.

Writing this post actually makes me all kinds of nervous, but I needed to get it all out in order to better examine where I am at with myself.

*Howard Waldrop

Some of you may have noticed that when my favourite holiday of the year rolled around, I did not post a list of resolutions or goals for 2008. That was intentional on my part, since I decided this year was going to be slightly different.

No more January promises that barely last into the third week of the New Year. No more lists of good intentions, forgotten as soon as the first moment of temptation, or laziness occurs.

This year I decided that when I was good and ready to make changes in my life, I would do it. I have the late-January guilt that always comes of breaking your promises to self. That was not the way I wanted to start off 2008.

When February 1st rolled around, I figured it was about time to start reorganizing a few things in my life. My priorities for one thing. I’ve been spending too much time online and not enough of it on maintaining order in my house and in my mind. Nia and I recently decided that since we are very similar when it comes to both mental and physical clutter, we would commit to meeting weekly to discuss our progress and encourage each other. This may sound ridiculous to some, but she and I are both procrastinating perfectionists who have a difficult time making improvements in specific areas of our lives. In meeting once a week we can create a certain amount of accountability, not to mention support and understanding.

I’m also renewing my commitment to take better care of my mental and physical health. Going back to the gym hasn’t been easy, but I know the payoff is going to be fantastic. Nia and I did a yoga class together today, and she has decided to join me on a regular basis, so that we can be gym buddies. This evening we sat down with the class schedule and picked out four classes per week that we are committing to participate in. This is going to be a wonderful thing because having a workout buddy, who you know is expecting you to show up, is an excellent motivator. I’m looking forward to becoming more toned and fit between now and summer time.

March will also be the month of home improvements. I have some projects lined up, which I know will bring a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. My home is going to be personalized and unique. New paint and some new furniture. Bright colors and better lighting. Jack will finally install his home theatre system, and a place to display his sport memorabilia. Having the time and the means to do it all is an exciting prospect, and despite the fact that it’s going to be a lot of hard work, I can hardly wait.

My trip back to Calgary has been booked for April, and I’m really looking forward to seeing my friends there again. V and I are discussing organizing a group get-together at a pub or something for one of the evenings I’m there, to save me having to run all over the city visiting a dozen different people. There is a short list of individuals whom I wish to spend a little one on one time with, but for the most part I really prefer group socialization.

We’re also planning a trip out to Ottawa some time in the next couple of months, which I think will be brilliant. I look forward to visiting the National Art Gallery and Parliament Hill.

On a more surprising note, K and I have been on better speaking terms as of late. He has changed some over the past year, to the point that I think we may be growing close as friends once again. We’ve been discussing him coming out for a visit, perhaps soon, so that I can show him around Toronto and the area. He’s never been outside of Alberta so it would be a wonderful opportunity for him to see another part of the country. As optimistic as I am, I shall also remain cautious because I know there were certainly wounds left in the wake of our relationship. There are times when he still rubs me the wrong way, but I’ve begun to realize that he’s making a genuine effort, and that needs to be encouraged and rewarded.

Life continues to become increasingly entertaining and enjoyable. I’m finding my happiness here in Ontario, making more friends, forming connections and partnerships in unexpected and wonderful places. The time of transition is smoothing out gradually, unfurling into a comfortable phase of both the familiar and the yet to be discovered. I’m creating and cultivating a certain amount of productive routine, punctuated with spontaneity and adventures. I’m now quite certain that moving here was the right decision, and that we will be content here.

With all difficult things, time is often the most necessary ingredient. That and patience, and perhaps a good bottle of wine.

ONOZ!I’ve never been a big believer in fate or destiny. I prefer the idea that I control my own life, direction, and future. However, I have to admit that I feel something larger than our own choice brought us out to Ontario. I just got a strange sense that this is where we were meant to be, and that the experience is serving some purpose in my life.

Very recently, Jack was offered the opportunity to take a job back in Calgary. Our move would be paid for, other costs of such a transition covered, and the assurance of a position for him upon our…um, re-arrival.

There would be a cost of course. The job in question would be less stable (read could be eliminated within the next couple of years). There would be a pay cut, and little to no opportunity for advancement. We would also have to give up the magnificent house we have here, and the eldest child would have to switch schools mid-year.

However, as Jack pointed out, this will likely be our only opportunity to go back in this fashion (with everything paid and a job at the other end).

You have no idea how badly a part of me wants to say yes. I miss Alberta; I miss my friends, my family, and the luxury of having a night away from the kids with my husband. When I think about the people we left behind…I just want to start packing boxes and booking plane tickets.

There is a larger part of me that knows that wouldn’t be the best choice. We are just beginning to get established here. There are so many things we have yet to see and do. Jack is going to take me to Ottawa and Montreal this year. We want to go camping up in the northern part of the province, and then there is the fact that V is getting geared up to move out here with us. Yes, if we moved back, she would be nice and close again, but not in the same house.

I just don’t think the time is right for us to leave Ontario.

*James P. Blaylock

Black RoseYou know, perhaps it’s sinisterly appropriate that the one year (in the past 10 or so) that I actually get excited about Christmas, and all hell has to break loose.

First, my dear friends Master Anakin and Padme lost their grandmother. I sent them some flowers to express my most sincere sympathies, and to show my support and friendship during this difficult time. I’ve thought of them often and we’ve been keeping in close touch over e-mail since they have been busy with funeral arrangements and the like.

Next, Jack got a phone call that his grandmother had also passed away. It was unexpected and rather shocking. I’m still not sure that it’s totally hit home. Jack was very close to his grandmother and will be attending the funeral this weekend. Due to the distance and how precarious the arrangements would be, I am unable to go with him, which is breaking my heart. Nothing can be done unfortunately, so we just have to tough it out, but it’s a very painful time.

Then last night Nia messaged me asking if I would be able to take her to the vets office. One of her pets was dying and she wanted to say goodbye to him and be able to bring the body home so that she can take it for burial this Friday. I said of course I would drive her over. Jack wasn’t home yet, so I loaded up the kiddos and we waited outside of the clinic while she went in. Jack was in the area on his way home from work, so he stopped by and picked up the kids from me.

After it was over we got Starbucks and I drove her home and gave her hugs and support. We hung out for a bit and went over a few instructions for looking after her pets (I am caring for them while she is away next week). She has done us big favours a couple of times, watching the kids on short notice so that he and I can go to appointments and the like, I am more than happy to look after her furry little ones.

With everything going on, I am relieved to have my shopping done. Blogging may be light over the next week or so, since I am struggling just to get this post finished. It can be tough to accomplish any writing when your mind is elsewhere. If you think you might miss me too much, come and hang out on Twitter, since I seem to be able to update that several times a day. Probably because it only requires me to come up with a sentence or two, and not a whole paragraph or more.

In spite of all the sadness, I am still looking forward to Christmas. Chalk it up to my need to push forward and find the positive in every situation. Is there anything positive about death? Yes, if the person was suffering or no longer wished to live. It’s been a year of learning that no matter how bleak things seem, there are always things, people, aspects of life for which you can be grateful. Perhaps this was a fitting end to 2007. I say that not to be dismissive of how sad and grievous it all is, but because when life forces you to put things into perspective, it could always be so much worse.

Perhaps take some extra time this year to remind your friends and family that you love them. Sometimes we don’t get a chance to say goodbye before they are gone.

Tomorrow is the first of December, and the official (in my mind) kick off to Christmas insanity.

Generally this time of the year makes we want to crawl under a rock and hide until spring.

Not because of how crazy everyone gets, or the snow and cold, or the irritating obligation I feel to spend time with my Family Of Origin. While those things do bug me, I think my dislike of Christmas comes from somewhere deeper.

When a person has children, it becomes difficult to have a hate on for Christmas. The kids get so excited, and in past years I would do my very best to give them the most wonderful Christmas’ ever, because that’s what you do for your kids even when you don’t really feel like it. Jack is also a big lover of the holiday season, so to humor the rest of the household, I would put up the decorations and wrap gifts and make our house feel warm and festive.

Inside though, I never really got into it. I never really felt that anticipation and excitement, never looked forward to the decorating and visiting of family. Last year I don’t even think I bothered sending out Christmas cards.

My mum called me The Grinch.

I was always careful though not to be Scrooge-like in front of the kiddos, because my issues are not their issues and they need not suffer for their mothers lack of holiday spirit.

This year, something very strange has happened. Around mid-November I started to experience an unusual feeling…one that I wasn’t sure I was still capable of. I was actually getting GIDDY over the idea of Christmas being just around the corner.

No explanation. It just sort of…happened.

This year I think I am way more excited than the other members of my household combined. My tree has been up for a week, all of my Christmas cards are signed, sealed, and headed to their respective destinations as I type this. I’m almost DONE buying gifts, since I hate the last-minute scramble that seemed to be our habit in past years. I think for once we’re going to be all finished up weeks before the big day.

I’ve been wrapping and baking and trimming and shopping. I even bought Christmas albums to listen to in my vehicle! It’s totally mind boggling.

I even came up with the perfect gifts for Jack, which is no easy task, since the man has just about everything he could possibly want.

The kids, finally being old enough to understand this whole Christmas bit, were easy to shop for because they both gave us very clear lists, which they have been repeating to me 15 times a day since Halloween.

Honestly, I am sure this whole post sounds totally ridiculous, but I can’t even explain how happy I am to be loving Christmas again. It’s very odd, considering this will be our first Christmas so far away from family and friends…

Maybe that’s really it though.

Perhaps, the reason I can love Christmas again is because finally I am far away from all of the stress and pressure that comes from our (Jack’s and mine) families at this time of the year. It really was horrendous, packing up kids and gifts and traipsing around the province for umpteen days to see everyone. Honestly, by the time we got to the last place to visit, my kids would be totally disinterested in opening any more gifts or eating any more Christmas cookies.

In my family, Christmas is probably the BIGGEST and most stressful event of the year. We are talking about pulling off dinner for up to 25 people, decorations that would put Santa to shame, and so much Christmas baking you felt like you lived in a cookie factory.

Once I was old enough, my mum started foisting some of the responsibility off on me, and who could blame her? That’s a tough act to pull off at the best of times.

I think that because Christmas was not the least bit relaxing or fun (it felt like no one recovered from it until into the New Year) once I became more ‘grown up’ that it really squashed any happiness or excitement. When December 1st rolled around, it always felt like we were bracing for a tremendous disaster to hit. My mum would become completely obsessed with making everything just so. The house had to prefect, the tree had to be huge (I think our tallest ‘live’ tree was 12 or so feet high, I am serious) and we had to make enough baked goods to feed every person within 100 miles. It was totally, and completely nuts.

That really never ended once I left home and married Jack and had kids. We were always going here or there and the days leading up to Christmas consisted of packing and wrapping and last minute shopping. We would open our gifts in the morning, gulp down some breakfast, load up the kids and what seemed like 5,000 gifts for our ridiculously large families, and off we went, and we didn’t usually come home again for a 5 - 7 days. We would arrive back at our house, worn out and so sick of Christmas it was shameful, and all I could think was “Dear God, now I have to take it all down”.

This is the first year in my entire life that I am actually cooking my very own Christmas dinner. We’ve never stayed home on Christmas Day before, so it’s going to be my very own celebration, my way, without all of the anxiety over this or that or the other thing.

I can hardly wait! No dashing around in a kitchen full of 6 women, trying not to get in any ones way, while mum barked orders and Grandma corrected her every other sentence. Meanwhile the kids are tearing around hopped up on sugar and the males are all resting up for the strenuous task of eating. Or maybe getting drunk in the garage. Suddenly dinner is on and everyone and their monkey descends like a swarm of locusts. The women don’t sit down to eat, between feeding kids and refilling plates and passing the gravy 816 times. They just sort of hover, or once they sit down, they have to jump up again because more peas or buns or disgusting pistachio salad are needed.

As quickly as it starts, it ends, like a flash mob, and the men and children vanish into other parts of the house, and the women just sort of regard each other with relief, that at least that part is over, only to look around at the refuse and dishes left behind by 25 people, and there is still enough turkey to have 14 more Christmas dinners.

Does any of that sound like Happy Holidays to you? Me neither, and I’ll have none of it this year. Hooray!

For the first time in years, I am not dreading Christmas.

Padme posted a neat little Christmas Meme over on her blog, and encouraged me to do it too, so here we go!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper for the most part. I tend to use gift bags for harder-to-wrap gifts, and for things like wine or other ‘food’ gifts.

2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial since I got out on my own. As a kid though, we always had real trees, and not the kind you buy in a parking lot. My mum or dad or grandpa would take us out on the family farm, and we would pick our own tree our, and chop it down right there. On year, when my kids are older, I am going to have a real tree, just once, so that they can know what it’s like to decorate a tree that doesn’t come out of a box.

3. When do you put up the tree? I generally try to have it up by December 1st

4. When do you take the tree down? We don’t take it down until after Ukrainian Christmas (which Jacks family has always celebrated) on January 7th

5. Do you like eggnog? Sort of, although when I think of holiday beverages my homemade drinking chocolate comes to mind more prevalently than egg nog.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My first set of skis. We lived really close to a ski hill and I made my step-dad pay for my ski lessons the very next day.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, it belonged to my great grandmother, and I think of her ever time I look at it.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My mother. She pretty much buys herself everything that she wants, which makes gift-giving impossible. I also don’t want to get her any more knick-knacks because already she is threatening to give them all to me when she moves to a smaller house. Eep.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My kids, and V. As I mentioned, the kids are very clear about what they way, and V is easy to buy for because the perfect things seem to just present themselves to me while I am pondering what to give her.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My dad gave us the most hideous dish set the first year that Jack and I were together. It was so ugly I could hardly stand it, but I put up with it for quite a few years before Jack eventually bought me a nicer set, last year for my birthday.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? This year I mailed about 50 cards, and I don’t think I’ll be sending any by e-mail, except maybe to some of my fellow bloggers/internet pals.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Miracle on 34th Street tops the list, followed closely by How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the cartoon version), and Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Generally in mid-November.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Hmmmmm, I don’t think so, because the idea of re-gifting just seems…somewhat ungrateful to me. Maybe also because, besides that awful dish set, I’ve never gotten many gifts that I didn’t like.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My grandmas gingerbread cookies, or sugar cookies.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear this year, we bought one of them thar new-fangled pre-lit trees.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Carol Of The Bells, I think because in some ways it sounds a bit foreboding (the tune anyway) but the lyrics and the overall sound is quite beautiful.

18. Travel for Christmas or stay home? Stay home! Woot! I am excited to NOT be travelling this year. Although one year, when my kids are grown and doing their own thing, I have promised myself that I will spend Christmas Day on the beach somewhere, drinking Cuba Libras and getting a tan.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yup, and I can say them out loud really fast (ask my kids): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen (and Rudolph)

20. Angel on the treetop or a star? Both, depending on which tree you look at (we have two trees, it was a thing my family always did if you happened to have a basement). We have an angel on one and a star on the other.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? My family always had a tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve, after mass. That gift was always new pajamas to wear that night. The next day, bright and early, we got to open the rest of our gifts wearing our new PJ’s.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Well, now that I don’t have to participate in the chaos of Christmas at my mums place, nothing seems to be very annoying about it. Although the delays at customs with some of my review items has been a tad irksome.

23. What I love most about Christmas? Being with Jack and my kids, sharing in their excitement, really, truly being happy and joyful this year for the holiday. Also all the baking and treats are pretty alright too ;)

GoddessI’ve been debating over this post for most of the day. Not the topic of it (as it has none thus far) but rather whether or not I would bother writing it. Blogging can be an interesting hobby. On the phone with Padme this morning we discussed how it often happens that one will find themselves either in the mood to write, with nothing to say, or with plenty to say and no desire to write it.

Today has been a little of both. Certainly I have things to blog about, but the want to has eluded me. Perhaps I can coax out my muse with a little wine.

Another contributing factor, although to a lesser extent, might be the fact that Nia reads this blog. I felt that keeping it from her was wrong, although I am not sure why. I’ve gone over this at least a half a dozen times with all of you, and yet it presents a dilemma to me every time. In this case, I decided to be open about it.

Which presents me another dilemma, can I really write honestly and openly about someone when I know they are going to read it? Would any of us have gushed about that boy in math class on the pages of our grade 7 journal had we known he was going to read it the next day?

I certainly wouldn’t have.

Luckily this isn’t grade 7 and I’m not nearly as careful about what I say or do in front of others. Still, when a ‘relationship’ or whatever we are doing might be called, is very new, laying all of your cards on the table could be a bad idea.

That said, I don’t see the point of blogging when I only reveal half-truths or nothing at all. Why be bothered? I’ve promised myself time and again that when I felt like I should blog about something, dammit I’m going to blog about it.

Nia’s visit here on Sunday was really wonderful. Even though neither of us is 100% healthy yet, we enjoyed snacking and writing our Christmas cards together. The kids absolutely adored her, and have already asked me several times when she can come back to visit again.

Jack was mostly engrossed in watching The Grey Cup, so she and I visited amongst ourselves and grumbled about what a pain in the ass Christmas cards are.

I certainly enjoyed her company, and I was very relieved that things were not the least bit awkward after the disagreement we had last week.

What disagreement you ask?

I’m not inclined to share details, but to put it simply Nia and I disagree on a specific issue that each of us feels rather strongly about. The discussion was not particularly heated, nor did it get mean or nasty, but I know it disturbed us both greatly.

What exactly this means is still unclear. She doesn’t know if she wants to date someone with my particular opinion, and while I certainly understand and respect that, I can’t help but be a tad discouraged.

It’s so very, very rare that I am attracted to women. Thus far it’s only happened a handful of times, which is probably why I’ve never dated a woman before. Generally the feelings either are not mutual, or there are other circumstances that prevent a real connection (such as distance). I’ve been sexually intimate with a couple of women, but that was not in the context of a dating relationship.

Basically, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing when it comes to pursuing women.

I dislike being all awkward and unsure of myself and part of me just wants to come out and ask Nia what exactly it is we are doing. Are we dating? Are we just friends? Is there any chance that this will be more? AM I BEING PSYCHOTIC?!?!??!

I feel dumb and out of my element. I’m not into labels, but at the same time I don’t want to run into the issue of mismatched expectations and ideas. I’ve done that dance too many times and it almost always ends badly for one or both of the people involved. I also don’t want to be investing the wrong kinds of emotions into our friendship only to end up being way off base.

Maybe I just need to stop being a freak, and allow it to be what it is.

This whole thing wouldn’t be nearly as difficult if I didn’t like her as much as I do. Yes, it’s early still and I know that I’m making way too big of a deal out if it all, but I haven’t really hit it off with anyone like this in a long time and I really don’t want to muck it up right off the start.

Anyway, there you have it, the happenings of the weekend and emotional angst all rolled in together. Go me!

Wouldn’t you know it, Hump Day rolls around, and my period starts bright and early this morning. Bleh.

This week has been good and bad and in between. Exciting as always.

There was a kink munch in the area last night, so I decided to attend. It was really nice to get out of the house for a few hours and spend some time in the company of other like-minded adults. I met some new people and had a really great time, and I look forward to attending another one in the future.

Chatted to Nia briefly last night. We made plans to go for dinner together tomorrow night. I’m excited about that, since today has been insane and I want nothing more than to escape, again.

Jack made a comment the other day about how much time I’ve spent on the phone with Padme recently. He wasn’t upset, he was just surprised when he looked over the phone bill (we have unlimited long distance) and saw the length of some of the calls.

“Well what do you expect?” I asked indignantly. “I’m so lonely here, and I have few adults to talk to besides you.”

He didn’t say anything else, but it certainly got me thinking. You know, I really AM lonely out here. I miss going for drinks with V, or dinner with LD, or any activities that involved interaction with other grown ups. I no longer have the luxury of making plans at a moments notice, nor the need to actually turn down plans due to lack of free time.

It’s difficult to believe that last year at this time I voluntarily went on a social hiatus because I was TIRED of having so many offers on the table. Yeesh, what I wouldn’t give for a little more of that at the moment.

I had hoped I would make friends via the kids school, but the other moms seem put off by my dreads or the fact that we aren’t from around here. Who knows really, and it certainly isn’t for lack of trying on my part.

Maybe I shouldn’t complain. I mean, I got to go out for a bit last night, and I have plans for tomorrow night. However, at this point, I’m so starved for a social life that it seems like it’ll never be enough.

Yes, it’s unreasonable to expect to just land in a place and have dozens of friends right off the start. I never believed that it would happen like that, honest I didn’t. Making friends usually comes so easily to me though, and it’s just such slow going here, and I don’t know why. Maybe I just don’t fit in. It seems like such a struggle.

I’m probably just being over dramatic, or maybe whiny. However, we’ve been here 3.5 months and I haven’t really made any good friends thus far. Nia and I have only just met, and there are a couple of other women in the neighbourhood that I’ve chatted with a bit. No one I could really phone up to go out with though. I find myself having to be careful not to come on to strong with Nia because I just so badly want someone to do stuff with. Don’t want to chase her off right away. Yes, I know how terribly pathetic that makes me sound.

If I didn’t have V and Padme to talk to on the phone once in a while, I’d go crazy for certain. Sure I do some chatting online and I talk to a lot of people that way, but it’s just not the same as hearing their voice and laughing together or discussing topics that just don’t translate very well into words on a screen. I need more than that, and there will be days when Jack is the only other adult I talk to in person. It can be very, very lonely some days.

This wasn’t at all what I intended to blog about this afternoon. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s my period, or the fact that the weather has been cold and I hate winter. Whatever the reason, I’ve just been a touch melancholy this week. In my defence I’m making my very best effort not to feel sorry for myself. Some days that can be difficult, particularly when a person feels alone.

Jack has been working dreadfully long hours. He’s gone for at least 10 hours most days, often closer to 12 hours. I spend the whole day with the child(ren), and then he’s tired when he gets home and I’m dying to get the hell out of the house, but at the same time I want to be with him. I haven’t been going to my classes at the gym, which I don’t think is helping matters. I wasn’t able to go to a couple of them due to Jack’s work schedule and there’s nothing I can do about that. All in all, it can be quite discouraging.

Certainly I don’t sit about like a sloth all day. There are usually errands to run, things to do, child and household related tasks to complete. Some days though, it takes about all the willpower I have just to get out of bed in the morning. It’s very unlike me, and I am irritated that I’ve allowed myself to feel like that for even a moment.

If anyone here has gotten themselves into a rut or suffered through depression or the like, I am sure you can understand where I am coming from.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life and generally I am a very happy person. My existence is brilliant and spoiled and so filled with fun and luck and joy. It seems…rude, to complain about anything. I want for nothing, besides someone to go for tea with on a chilly Sunday afternoon.

Fortunately these moments of being down and discouraged are not common, and I am sure in a few days time I will wonder what exactly my problem was. Chalk it up to lack of sleep and mild PMS this week. Added to the cold and rain we’ve been getting, it’s more difficult to look on the bright side as it were.

Still, tomorrow I am having dinner with a fun, interesting, and beautiful woman, so I must have something going for me ;)

At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve decided to resurrect a few posts from my first sex blog (which was written a few years back). Most people don’t know that this is the third incarnation of my sex blog, and the following post is from my first attempt. I don’t have an actual date for this post right now, but I can say that it was likely written sometime in late 2004. The blog was mainly focused on BDSM and in this entry I spoke of my aversion to the idea of swinging.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing Jack with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know Jack is interested in trying, although he is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless he knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though he is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and he has been my husband much longer than he has been my Dom), he would not want to jeopardize that just to get his way. Some people might think that he should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else’s preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) he will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if Jack wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of Jack being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked… most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how Jack feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don’t like the idea of Jack being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don’t trust him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don’t think that it comes down to trust. I don’t really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don’t have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if Jack ‘lent me out’ to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don’t want to do, like I don’t want to try scat or blood play. I don’t think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn’t for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don’t feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides Jack makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren’t as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that’s for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn’t want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that he will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don’t think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can’t picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and Jack really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn’t get past that? What if I resented him for the rest of our marriage? What if he wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be OK, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don’t think so, and I know that Jack feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the Jack is not, I hope he will be OK with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, LOL.