Stiletto Diaries

It was touch and go there for a few days last week, but I think I am finally getting over this horrendous sinus/throat infection thing that crawled up into my head last week and waged war on my body for days and days.

Thus I was in no shape to blog, nor do much of anything else besides lay about and feel like my brain was trying to escape out my nostrils. Also there was much ingestion of Tylenol and Advil and whatever else I could get my hands on.

However, it would seem I am recovering now. Today I didn’t wake up feeling like I had been swallowing knives all night, and thus did not contemplate throwing myself out of our bedroom window.

Yesterday, despite my retched-yet-slightly-improved condition, I had a date with Mr. Latent Dominant Tendencies. He’ll be needing a new name for sure, but not quite yet. Anyway, we had coffee and talked for three hours, hardly realizing how long we’d been at it. Those are the best sorts of conversations, the ones you get lost in like that. He seems very nice, and we hit it off rather well. One thing unfortunately has put a pause on my excitement. His wife. To whom he is still legally married although they have been separated for nearly a year.

You see, I’m not certain how this situation fits in with my usual ethics concerning married couples. As a rule, I won’t be involved with someone who is seeing other people, either committed or casual, unless everyone is aware of the situation. In this case, being separated (the live in different houses) is it totally necessary that she know he is dating? Perhaps I should ask how he thinks she would react if she saw him with another woman? Not sexually of course, but holding hands and kissing perhaps. Have they had a discussion about dating other people and agreed that both of them are totally free to do so without it becoming tangled up in future divorce proceedings and custody negotiations?

I suppose I’ll just have to ask him about it. I’d be lying however if I said it didn’t make me the least bit wary of getting in over my head with this one. I certainly do not want to get into the middle of something that could so easily become very messy and basted in drama.

This week I have to finish preparing the items that I am donating to the party that I mentioned last week. There are still tickets available to anyone who wants to attend. I volunteered last week to help pick out some outfits for the fashion show, and I’m even going to be modelling a couple of them for the show itself Who wants to see me in a naughty cheerleader outfit? Or in my thigh high boots and a button down shirt and nothing else? Please get in touch with me if you’re at all interested in attending, or if you need more information! It’s only three weeks away I can hardly stand to wait that long!

My appointment with the new esthetician went VERY well. I like her a lot! Take the advice of one of my readers and find a European esthetician. They seem to be more thorough and not at all squeamish about doing ‘front to back’ when it comes to Brazilians. She’s a total sweetie, and reasonably priced, so I am very pleased! I’ll be booking with her again a day or two before the party.

Ta Ta for now lovelies! I promise I’ll get back to updating regularly again now that I’m feeling better

Thanks to a good blogger buddy of mine, my attention was drawn to this incredible article on polyamory over a Freaksexual. I’d never been over to that particular blog before, but I’m certainly glad I found it. Check it out, it’s very well written.

However, I felt a need to post a little something about Bloggers For Choice Day.

I’d write my own long-winded thoughts on the topic, but a witty young thing already said it better than I could, so just go read her post.

Comments are off since this isn’t up for debate here (trust me people, you’re not going to change my mind, you all know how bloody stubborn I am). Please don’t go posting them to other entries or I may have to turn on comment moderation, which I REALLY don’t wanna do.

That is all.

At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve decided to resurrect a few posts from my first sex blog (which was written a few years back). Most people don’t know that this is the third incarnation of my sex blog, and the following post is from my first attempt. I don’t have an actual date for this post right now, but I can say that it was likely written sometime in late 2004. The blog was mainly focused on BDSM and in this entry I spoke of my aversion to the idea of swinging.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing Jack with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know Jack is interested in trying, although he is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless he knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though he is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and he has been my husband much longer than he has been my Dom), he would not want to jeopardize that just to get his way. Some people might think that he should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else’s preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) he will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if Jack wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of Jack being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked… most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how Jack feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don’t like the idea of Jack being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don’t trust him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don’t think that it comes down to trust. I don’t really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don’t have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if Jack ‘lent me out’ to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don’t want to do, like I don’t want to try scat or blood play. I don’t think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn’t for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don’t feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides Jack makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren’t as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that’s for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn’t want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that he will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don’t think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can’t picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and Jack really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn’t get past that? What if I resented him for the rest of our marriage? What if he wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be OK, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don’t think so, and I know that Jack feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the Jack is not, I hope he will be OK with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, LOL.

It’s not often I am lucky enough to be asked to review a book. In fact, to date it’s only happened twice. This particular book is very special to me because I got to read it before it was available to the public (the very first edition) and because the author and I have become good friends. Not to mention that he was kind enough to put a likeness of ME right on the cover.

Appropriately, I am having sex with the Grim Reaper. How fitting, don’t you think?

The basic summery of this book, is that it’s an in-depth examination of a number of modern taboos which all of us are familiar with. This particular book (I am hopeful there will be more) covers the topics of nasal mucous, excrement, sex, and drug use.

Right from the opening remarks, I found this book fascinating. As I worked my way through the chapters I learned more and more facts and information that I was not previously aware of. It also made me think a great deal, about the source of taboos and why we care so much about them. Books don’t always make me think, but I enjoy and appreciate them that much more if they do.

The chapters on sex were of course of the greatest interest to me. Although I enjoyed blurting out obnoxious facts about nose picking and bathroom habits to horrified friends for months afterwards.

Our sexual evolution over the course of recorded history is interesting indeed. Societies judgements surrounding homosexuality, prostitution, and infidelity have developed in fascinating ways. It’s certainly not light reading, and there is a lot of content to absorb, but I feel it’s well worth it. There is also a certain amount of edgy humour mixed in, which is highly appealing (especially to dry, sarcastic people like me).

I particularly enjoyed the sections on sex and religion, having grown up Catholic and a sex fiend. Those things are actually mutually exclusive, unless of course every single sex act is initiated with the intent to procreate (which in this household, it most certainly isn’t).

Being very new, this book is not available at many bookstores. However, you can order directly from the publisher, here. Or you can get a copy at one of these fine retailers:

The Beguiling
601 Markham Street
Toronto, Ontario

Seeker’s Books
509 Bloor Street West
Toronto, Ontario

Zoinks! Music And Books
1019 Bloor Street West
Toronto, Ontario

Pick up a copy and take a look. If you’re disappointed in the book after reading it, let me know and I’ll send you some sort of a consolation gift.

This Product Receives:

Recently I posted in a thread on one of the forums I participate in, and the content of my post came as quite a surprise to one of the regular readers of this blog. So much so that she contacted me privately to express her surprise over an apparent contradiction between what I’ve written here and what I said over there. I was thrilled that she wrote to me because I hadn’t given much thought to any of it, and her e-mail sparked a really fantastic conversation between us that left me with a lot of things to reflect on. Thank you, my friend, you’ve inspired this post and a few more in the works!

The reason it seemed I was saying one thing here and the opposite there is due to the self-editing involved in this blog. As Mon-Mon commented on this post, I can’t just go around writing whatever I want and expecting people to be fine with it. So, I don’t, particularly when it comes to Jack and some delicate issues in our relationship.

I know that it can be very counter-productive to go airing our dirty laundry all over this blog. In the past Jack has been hurt and felt misrepresented by things that I write here. That’s one of the downsides of just me writing here, or Jack not keeping his own blog. Ya’ll never get both sides of the story really.

Often I can’t help but hold things back, even when I really want to write about a certain topic or event. I don’t want to make Jack look bad because he’s not and even though we have issues sometimes, I don’t know that it’s fair or right to use this as a vehicle for making those issues known.

At the same time, writing is my method of sorting things out internally. I express myself better on here than I do verbally, that’s just a fact. Yes I can have productive conversations and all that, I’m just more thorough and direct when I can write it down.

I’m sure there is middle ground, but the whole situation with the forum and the e-mail troubled me because I started to wonder if I’ve been misrepresenting the truth. I know that was not the intention of the friend who messaged me about it, nor did I take her in that context. It just got me to thinking. What then, is the solution?

I don’t want to hurt Jack’s feelings (or any one’s for that matter) but I want to be honest and open as well.

If I really need to express myself and talking about it hasn’t been enough, is it acceptable to blog about it at the risk of someone being upset? Am I compromising myself too much if I just hold it in?

*Brian Herbert

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about personal strength and being a woman.

Before I get rolling on this let me say first that I do not really consider myself a feminist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I’m not trying to say “Hooray for women, we are so great”. I’ve never been able to identify with the feminist label, nor have I done a lot of research into what being a feminist entails. What I do know is that save for a select few, I have strongly disliked most of the women I’ve met who claim to be feminists, mainly due to their tendency to be victims of their life. Also, even though they claim to want equality, most of them seem to harbour a smug superiority complex towards men, which I find revolting.

That aside, what makes for a strong woman?

Many people have commented to me that they are inspired by my personal strength. While I find this highly flattering, it got me to wondering what it is about me that they perceive as strong?

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to be of the “Yay Me!” variety.

Foremost I believe that strong women refuse to play the victim role in their lives, no matter what the circumstances. Even if they actually WERE a victim, suppose of a rape, they refuse to let that define them, or to control them forever after. The strong women I know tend to be independent (yet still vulnerable) with a solid self image and a clear sense of who they are. Well, as clear as any of us can get, LOL. They do not feed into co-dependant relationships, or allow themselves to stay in situations which force them to compromise excessively.

Generally speaking they seem to live their lives to the fullest they know how. Doing the things that bring them joy and fulfillment without trampling others in the process. They create friendships and connections that are genuine, honest, and open. A strong woman will be upfront with you when you have pissed her off. Rather than avoiding the situation or pushing it aside in order to prevent conflict. She will address the situation at hand, speaking her truth while being accountable for her own experience.

I’m really getting so tired of women who settle for less than complete happiness in life and in relationships. It’s not impossible or unrealistic, and I find it sad and pathetic that any person (man or woman) would rather sit in their own shit, instead of getting up and doing something about it. Why sell yourself short? Don’t you think you deserve the most out of life? Stop letting your partner, your family, or your friends convince you that you can’t do it on your own. Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t capable of doing anything you want to do.

A lot of what drives us to settle or not to strive harder to get what we want is fear. We all get scared sometimes, and if anyone tries to tell you different they are either full of shit, or delusional. Fear doesn’t need to control you however. You know what my motto is?

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

It really is you know. Being afraid of something is the perfect reason to tough it out. Stand up, show your strength. Why do you think I get pretty much everything I want in life? Believe me, I do, but not through questionable means. People tell me all the time that they have never seen me fail at anything I have put my mind to. I can be terrified, which I know means I’ll feel totally awesome when I come out the other side successful. What an awesome way to live, don’t ya think?

Of course just resigning yourself to mediocrity is less work. FAR less. You’d best stay on the porch if you’re not up for a lot of pain and ugliness. Getting the most out of life isn’t easy, but then again, nothing worth doing is. Knowing that is part of what makes a woman (or man for that matter) strong.

You all know I get scared. You know I fall and doubt myself and cry and scream and rage. I want to give up sometimes, more often than I care to admit. Maybe the fact that I never do, the fact that no matter how down I am I always get back up, is why people remark on how strong I am.

Maybe it’s all an act right? I am sure people think that, but you can’t fake real strength for long. You’ll crack under the pressure if you’re all talk and no walk. Real strength, the kind that comes from deep inside you, can’t be pretend. You’ve gotta really believe it, and yourself..

Strong women are not manipulative, nor will they be pushed around. They will gracefully admit to being wrong, while fiercely defending what they feel to be right. Most of them are protective of the people they love and will not shy away from emotional situations. They speak their mind without being arrogant or overbearing.

Being strong doesn’t mean being pushy or insisting on having your way. It also doesn’t mean being cruel, proud (in the negative sense) or haughty. Be proud of yourself, and who you are, but don’t be a braggart or a snit. Strength comes not from a sense of superiority, but from fairness and equality when dealing with other people. Really strong people don’t feel the need to prove themselves, ever, to anyone. They are comfortable and confident with themselves, regardless of the opinions of others.

I know that I am not always everything I’ve discussed here. I don’t think any of us are. People tell me that I am strong and instead of shrugging it off or trying to be modest, I say “Thank You” because I know that it’s true. I AM a strong woman, and I won’t pretend to be otherwise to avoid making people uncomfortable.

I’m really proud to be who I am, and I embrace myself, warts and all. What I don’t like, I’m working on turning around, without blaming my shit on anyone else. The only person who can make or break my life is ME.

My wish is that all of the awesome women (and men) I know will be able to say those words and really mean it, to the depth of their soul. I know I do, do you?

*Charles Stross

I should open this post with a disclaimer of some sort, LOL. It’s PMS time in the lair of Shasta and I’ve been right irritable all week. Luckily not at Jack, since so many other people seem to be giving me plenty to be annoyed about.

Take The SmartAss for one. Some days ago he made something of a crude reference to me and him and this other fuck buddy of his having a threesome. Perhaps it was his delivery but I felt insulted and annoyed. I remained polite but declined stating that I wasn’t interested in getting involved with that (the list of reasons is long…we’ll see if I feel up to including them here in a minute).

The subject was left alone for a day or so and then brought up AGAIN. This time he mentioned that he had told her about my reviews (he knows that I do them) and that I had done a review of the feeldoe. According to him she is quite eager to help me with any future testing. For some reason, I find that, I dunno, a bit presumptuous? She also apparently wanted him to send me some naked photos of her, to see if I would be interested, which I also declined. Do you think I am crazy for being a bit turned off by it all? I mean she doesn’t know me at all, he hardly knows me for that matter, and yet is so very eager to have a threesome with me?

Either he’s highly slimy or she is in the habit of hopping into bed with just about anyone who will sleep with her. I think he finally ‘got’ it after I explained in no uncertain terms that I am not inclined to have random sex with a girl (she’s only 22) that I hardly know. Men are different for me, maybe because my bisexuality is minuscule at best.

I’ve been intimate with 2 women in my life, I had known each of them no less than 7 years at the time we were together. I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve ever encountered who I actually wanted to have sex with. It’s kind of like a solar eclipse, it’s a rare thing. I had never given The SmartAss reason to believe that I was interested in a threesome with him, nor with sleeping with other women. The topic hadn’t been discussed which is why he was surprised to learn about my lack of experience. Why is it that if a woman is more free and open minded about her sexuality, men assume that she is a wild bisexual?

Perhaps that’s the assumption that makes me so irate about the whole thing. Am I wrong to be somewhat put off by that? I feel like any interest I have in him has come to an abrupt halt. I suspect a little of it also comes from his constant talking…nay, bragging, about her. It’s generally subtle, and I think he finds the ability to talk about it with me, due to the open nature of me and my relationships, quite novel. I don’t find myself the least bit jealous, but nor do I wanted to be treated like one of his locker room buddies. I don’t need to know how often he is seeing her, sleeping with her, or what have you. I’d rather not be chatting to him and have him say “Oh, she has the whipped cream out, laters” before departing.

Then I start to wonder if I am just being unreasonable. Maybe being poly means I should be down with that. I’m perhaps not used to it. None of the males I’ve ever been with before bothered to talk much about who else they were seeing. My relationship with K was a different story because of the nature of what we were, I am not speaking of him in this circumstance.

LD never really alluded to seeing others. I know he was, I never asked for details. Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t ASK The SmartAss for details. He just volunteers them and I certainly don’t encourage that. Likewise with Q or H. When I am involved with a man I am just fucking, and not in love with, I don’t really care to hear about who else he is screwing. It’s not that I like to pretend it’s not happening. I am comfortable with that knowledge, and generally I assume that it’s going on even if I don’t know. Just spare me the details because it’s not something I am all that interested in.

It doesn’t make me hot or turn me on, in fact it puts me off because I wonder if you’re talking to her about our sex as well, which is not a sexy thought AT ALL!

Obviously she knows about me and that he and I have been naked together. I wonder what he has told her? Yes indeed, that puts me off a lot!

So I am not sure what the future is for The SmartAss and I, if any. Honestly I’ve found any attraction for him waning with this whole threesome thing and all the talking about his fuck buddy. Perhaps I am just being unreasonable and temperamental.

I know one thing, being so easily irritated leads to some interesting blog posts

*Stephen R. Donaldson

Tonight I have been seriously rubbed the wrong way. It started off that I got all owly about one thing and since it’s not my place to vent about that, a phone call from Jack has got my back up over something else.

Namely, flaky people.

What do I mean by that you might wonder? Just to be crystal clear, this is not directed towards Jack but towards other people whom seem to enjoy toying with someone very dear to me. People have remarked that I make a brilliant friend. Loyal, honest, loving…you can see it in my writings to V, my writings to Jack, among others. I care deeply for people, I am very forgiving, and I accept and appreciate all aspects of the people I love.

However, there is a dark side there which rarely gets exposed because most people heed well the warning that getting on my bad side is a very, very bad idea indeed.

I don’t say that to sound menacing but if you ask some of the people who’ve seen it, I am one hell of an enemy.

You have to push the limits very far before you can personally hurt me or piss me off to the point that I become really angry. Even then, I am quick to forgive and I dole out second (and third, fourth, 118th) chances like it’s going out of style. It’s hard to fuck with me to the point that I’ll dislike you.

On the other hand, if you cross someone I love or irritate them in any way, I will crucify you as soon as look at you.

Jack is completely capable of taking care of himself. He doesn’t ever need me to get involved in his personal situations and might even be irritated with me for writing this now. I feel the need to say something though, so I’ll risk it and hope that he understands I have some pent up annoyance that is looking for an outlet.

There is a situation at hand that I’ve watched play out in the not so distant past. Someone significant to Jack basically blew him off without so much as an explanation. No warning, no indication as to why they suddenly had zero interest or time for him. As much as it pissed me off at the time, I did my very best to stay out of it. Eventually a few e-mails were exchanged and I realised this person was not someone who could be reasoned with. Being so self-centered and completely inconsiderate of anyone but themselves, asking for an explanation was as productive as watching paint dry. It hurt Jack to some extent and had I known how manipulative and cruel said person was going to be I would have done something a lot sooner.

Now it seems a similar set of circumstances is unfolding, and try as I might to explain it to myself, I am coming up short. I really like the person in question, who shall remain unnamed, but now she is causing my husband grief and it really pisses me off. A lot. Nobody treats my man like crap, ever. He might be too sweet to say it, but I’m not because it won’t be the first time I’ve lost friends over something I write here.

Jack has never been anything but wonderful to you, even though you make really questionable choices sometimes and your insane schedule makes you difficult to be friends with. He cares about you a great deal, and you have been avoiding him for over a month. While I realise that life gets very busy, especially being privy to a lot of what you have gone though, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you at least return a phone call, or follow through with either solidifying or declining tentative plans. Leaving someone hanging with no explanation is rude and selfish. Not the sort of behaviour I would ever have expected from you. I am hopeful there is an explanation of some sort, besides just “I’m so busy” because we all get busy and some of us have never made a habit of blowing people off without at least some notice or explanation, followed by an apology.

Did he say or do something inappropriate that made you uncomfortable? Sometimes Jack crosses the line, we all do it, often unintentionally. If I had to count the people I’ve offended I’d need at least a dozen of my readers to take their socks off and hold out their fingers. If that is the case then the grown-up thing to do is to tell him that. If you don’t want to do it face to face or on the phone there is always e-mail. Avoidance never solves anything and it makes you look like a flake.

If, for whatever reason, you no longer wish to be his friend, just come on out with it already. You dislike being strung along, I know that because we’ve talked about it. Why would you inflict that on someone else?

Suppose though that you don’t feel that things have changed at all? Would you at least be willing to look at your behaviours in the recent past and question that? Have you called him back when he phoned you and left a message? Have you done any follow up on plans that were mentioned in passing but not yet set in stone? Has he been making all the effort to see you and yet you cannot possibly spare an hour of your time for him during the very rare occasions that he’s in your area? Have you been treating him the way you would like to be treated in return?

I am certainly not trying to stir up shit or call you out. I haven’t mentioned who you are because I am hopeful that this can all come to some comfortably resolution. I just know Jack, and I know he’s too sweet to tell you that he’s hurting because of your disinterest in being his friend. If you are angry with me, that’s OK, please don’t punish him for any beef we have with each other. He can’t be held responsible for what I write because I am my own person and he respects that enough that he won’t control me.

Know that I won’t speak of this again, I just felt I needed to say something, now I have and I’ll quite happily go back to my usual chipper and adoring self.

*David Brin

I mentioned in my last post that I did not intend to tell The SmartAss about my blog. This is an issue I’ve been rolling around in my head for weeks.

Now that I live in a new city I have the option of keeping it secret. In Calgary it was hard because I started off telling people about it and then even if I didn’t tell them it usually got found out through a mutual friend or it would get mentioned in passing at social gatherings and then all the people who didn’t know would get very curious.

It’s not that I really cared though, it was more or less just a problem when it came to writing about some of those people. When O was ‘involved’ with Jack (I use the term loosely because I could hardly call it a relationship) she requested that I not write about their relationship. I grudgingly went along with it because I don’t like to disrespect people and their privacy. When I was first seeing LD he also asked me not to write about him, and again I reluctantly agreed. It was terribly annoying on both counts, but I didn’t know what else to do under the circumstances. I didn’t want to piss anyone off or deter them from being my friend, etc. At the same time, major stuff can happen and then I am at a loss for how to sort myself out. I’ve debated secret blogs and the like, but that seems…I dunno, like more hassle than I should have to go through.

After the thing with O and LD I decided that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me what I could or could not write here. That’s not fair and I’ll never agree to it again. It’s not like I go around using people’s real names or identifying them in any way so why should I have to watch what I say? If you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t get involved with me.

Then there is another issue. All that aside, what if I want to go on a tear about a person? Like on the weekend when I made this post about not being able to write here, it was actually because Jack reads this blog, and I was feeling aggravated about something between him and I. I didn’t want to just rip him apart to get out frustration, I was actually not sure how to communicate to him what I wanted and why I was upset about how things were going.

However, I didn’t think that Jack would appreciate me doing that. Being only mediocre at verbal conversation under pressure, I use this blog as my sounding board to get all of my thoughts in a row. It gives me great self-perspective, and it’s cathartic for me. When I can’t or don’t want to write I find other ways. Talking to friends, having some quiet time, writing in my journal to V, etc. Rarely I get caught between a rock and a hard place when all I want to do is write here and yet can’t.

So it seems obvious, just don’t tell anyone about this blog if I am going to be in a relationship of any type with them. However, if I am going to be at all close with someone, then I feel like I have to keep part of me a secret. A lot of work and effort goes into this place, and I am really proud of it. It also seems somewhat unethical to write at length about someone and not tell them. I mean having a private diary is one thing, but putting out out to the world like this is another. That’s just my feelings of course, I know a lot of people who keep blogs which are secret from their spouse or friends or significant other. That’s not really me though. The main reason that people are so comfortable being open with me, is that I do my best to be totally open and honest with them. I think that if someone I was close with found out way after the fact that I had been writing about them in secret on my secret blog, it would shatter that.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s easy to say “Well whatever you feel comfortable with” but I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable either way. There are pros and cons both ways so I am asking all of you for your thoughts.

If you were involved with someone and then found out later that they had been blogging about you for months would you feel like you had been lied to? Betrayed? Would you be hurt or angry?

Do you keep your blog a secret from significant others? How or why is that so? Do you think you would ever share it with them?

If people know about your blog do they give you a hard time about things you may or may not write about them? Do you allow people any input whatsoever? Why or why not?

So many questions! I was going to create a poll but there are just too many possible answers so I hope some of you will share with me in the comments or via e-mail.

Tonight I am going to a local Kink Munch* to try to meet some people and make some like-minded friends. Wish me luck Details tomorrow!

*Munches have become a way to meet like-minded kinky folk in an informal and hassle-free environment. Usually the setting for a “munch” is a restaurant or coffee shop or similar environment. - Society Of Janus Website

*Neal Stephenson