I spent the morning looking back through the archives of this blog. Reflecting on the evolution of this blog, this situation, my relationships…trying to figure out where it all went so wrong.
I don’t know that it can be pinpointed in the archives, I have found this blog to be a rather incomplete reflection of the past months. After all, it is not possible to condense my life into this particular medium, we would need something more like The Truman Show for you to experience the reality of these things. This blog just cannot do justice to the love, the loss, the pain and the happiness. There are not sufficient words to tell you the true story.
An important chapter of this blog is drawing to a close. I am in no mood to go into details, but Jack and I have talked, and it was decided that my relationship with K in any romantic capacity is now ceased. I am hopeful that we can retain a friendship, but I have requested that communication be halted during the healing process. It will take some time for me to get over this. There are many confusing feelings to sort out, and much talking between Jack and I in the near future.
At this point I am trying to find the good in this outcome. Naturally a large part of me is dying to throw a tantrum and swear off poly forever. I want to rage and scream and be a spiteful, vengeful bitch. I want to take it out on Jack, to make him suffer, although I know I have done a good job of that already. He doesn’t deserve that though, and under no circumstances would I follow through with my desire to give him a taste of his own medicine as it were. I know that it is the pain talking, not the truth of the matter.
In the coming weeks and perhaps months I hope that Jack and I will be able to do a lot of honest communicating. Not only about what went wrong this time, but how to prevent a repeat of this. We need to decide if poly is a path that we can follow, and we must take steps to do it better the next time, should that happen. At this point I do not want to think of having another relationship, but I would be a fool to promise myself that it won’t happen. It is not poly itself that is the problem, it’s the process that we went through to get there. Mistakes were made, pain was inflicted all around. I had hoped that we could salvage the pieces, but that is not possible. Jack and I need to do a lot more exploration of ourselves and our relationship before I would be willing to give it another try.
We have learned so much about each other, and about ourselves. We experienced emotions and situations that we would have never experienced in a monogamous relationship. It has been quite the journey. The really unfortunate part is that K had to be hurt quite badly in the process. That will be my main regret for as long as I live. I didn’t set out for it to end up like this. I wish that he didn’t have to be the “guinea pig” for this experiment (and I use that reference affectionately).
Since I know I will be skewered for that, let me add that even though I know I have also caused a great deal of pain to Jack as well, I feel that K got more of a raw deal here. If only because Jack and I were semi-prepared for this, and K sort of got blindsided. In addition, this whole thing was an experiment between Jack and I, and K really got caught in our wake. Jack and I will come out of this just fine, one way or the other. Our marriage is strong and solid, we have each other to lean on. On the other hand, in a way, I was K’s ‘primary partner’ for lack of a better term. He really had more to lose here than either Jack or I, because Jack and I will always have each other (get over yourself if you really believe that our marriage was under threat).
I still love K and care about him a great deal. I will always want the best for him.
This blog will not be dying, although I don’t know how much I will be posting for the next little while. I might surprise myself and write here five times a day, or I might be silent for several weeks. Only time will tell.
Linkin Park - With You
P.S. I debated turning off comments for this post. I just cannot deal with negativity right now. I decided to leave them on for the time being, but I hope that everyone will respect that I am very emotionally fragile at the moment. I really don’t want to hear criticism, insults, or negativity. Please exercise the old adage “If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Don’t Say Anything At All”.