Ok, so I hooked up and had hot anal sex with R. All very steamy and wonderful.
Except for the next day, when I started to feel…bad.
I wasn’t really sure why I felt bad, so I started in on some intense personal reflection, and much talking with my amazingly understanding husband.
Firstly, I was suffering hard-core infatuation for R. Being separated from him made me sad, and I wasn’t dealing with it well at all.
Secondly I felt immense guilt over my feelings for R. I thought that I should be able to have totally emotionless sex with a stranger and not feel the tiniest hint of affection for him.
How wrong I was, so very very wrong.
I talked about it with Jack, I thought about it some more, and then I told myself something:
It’s ok to get attached.
Wouldn’t you know it, I’m only human! Affection is a normal human emotion, it is to be expected (at least for me) when I share intimacy with someone.
It doesn’t mean that I love my husband any less. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. I just means I happened to connect with R, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
And as soon as I accepted that, my bad feelings went away. Of course I still felt sad that I might never see R again, but it wasn’t about to be the end of me. I also realized that infatuation really will pass with time.
Now, up until then, I had been totally closed to the idea of sharing Jack with anyone. A little unfair of me some might say, but I believe it is better to say ‘No’ than say ‘Yes’ and then have it become the end of my marriage.
What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander, especially if the goose feels scared or insecure.
While I was going through my very intense self-examination I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of opening up our marriage. I started to realize that if I had the capacity to have sex with someone else and still love my husband more than life itself, doesn’t that mean that he should have the same capacity?
I know that on an emotional level men and women relate differently. We have different reactions to sex and love, and we have different ways of connecting with the opposite sex. At the same time I know my husband, and I have no doubt that he loves me, and that just because he has recreational sex outside of our marriage, does not mean that he loves me any less.
So, I asked him to read the article that you can find in my sidebar under Resources, and then we had a long talk. It was my idea for him to also have the option to have sex with other women. We started discussing some ‘rules’ so that each of us would feel more comfortable with the new arrangement, and thus our current list of rules was born.
My best friend is the only ‘real life’ friend that knows about this new development. She is so very happy for us and wonderfully supportive. I am so glad that I have her, and actually she was along for the ride during my last two escapades (although she is attached and in a monogamous relationship, we still love to get out and party once in a while).
I am still surprised that I got to this place. In the past the very idea of Jack even flirting with another woman made me green with jealousy. I felt so insecure and afraid to lose him. I didn’t want him to have feelings for anyone but me.
And then I just let it go.
I am coming to realize that Jack isn’t with me because he has to be, he is with me because he wants to be. A ceremony and our signatures on a piece of paper doesn’t change the fact that we both have free will. We still choose to stay with each other each and every day. We love each other, that is what keeps us together, not being married under the eyes of God and our Government.
I also came to the conclusion that just because monogamy is the ‘popular’ way of life, doesn’t make it the right way or the only way. I happen to enjoy very kinky sex, including all the whips, chains, and other trappings. That isn’t the only way to have sex, or even the popular way, but I happen to enjoy it. Just like I happen to enjoy having the occasional fling with men outside of my marriage.
So here we are today. As of yet, Jack has not had the opportunity to meet someone new, but that is only because of time limitations and serious restrictions on leisure time. It is the holidays after all, and Jack’s work has been rather overwhelming lately. I do expect that sometime in the New Year he will have an encounter with another woman, and I suppose we will see how that goes once we get there.
Things may be slow around here over the Christmas Holidays, but I promise many interesting tales to come in the New Year. Between now and then I will try to fill space with more thoughts on monogamy, polyamory, and open marriage.