I Am Ashamed Of What I Did For A Klondike Bar
Posted on October 27th, 2010 in Advice, Emotional Angst, Featured, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
I think that there comes a point when a person just becomes very tired of catering to what other people think and ceases caring about the opinions of anyone else. Well, almost anyone else. Lets say they become more selective about it.
When Jack and I decided to become poly, I don’t think either of us realized that we would end up where we are currently. We entered into this “lifestyle” with the intention that what happened in our own bedroom (or in the bedrooms of our lovers, as the case may be) would be our business and that nobody need ever know. Convenient and convincing cover stories became a part of planning outings or absences that would be spent with other significant others (we’ve used everything from “she’s helping a friend move today” to “he isn’t feeling particularly well and won’t be coming with us this weekend”). That worked out just dandy, until poly spilled out of just the bedroom and into everyday life. Now it is becoming increasingly inconvenient and more trying to keep it all under cover.
I used to fantasize about coming out to my mother, if only to piss her off. Now I wish that I could just tell the truth because I hate having to keep my relationship with Aiden a secret. I hate feeling like I’m doing something so wrong that we can’t possibly tell people for fear of the repercussions. I dislike having to exclude him from “family activities” even though he is a part of our family. I don’t want to have to live like this forever.
There is also the high level of paranoia I face every time I pack our kids off to spend time with my parents or Jack’s parents. What if they say something suspicious? What if there are uncomfortable questions? What if everyone finds out?
I don’t care much about these things when it comes to my family, but Jack DOES care about them, and because of that, I feel as though I must be on high alert. It’s exhausting really. Part of me wishes we could just have it all out and stop living like we are part of the witness protection program, but I know that would make Jack extremely unhappy.
I suppose the trade off is that instead I am extremely unhappy. Well perhaps not extremely unhappy, yet, but certainly discontent.
There is also the looming issue of future procreation. Aiden would like to have a child, and I would like to have said child with him, and when that occurs, I am not entirely certain that we are going to be able to accommodate the lies. One suggestion being tossed around is that we tell everyone that the three of us got terribly drunk, had a threesome, and I ended up pregnant.
That seems somewhat workable in theory, but what of the innocent child? What are people going to say to him or her about the situation as he or she gets older?
Likewise, what are people going to say to my current children?
I suppose it’s sort of like being the child of gay parents in a time or place where it isn’t accepted or approved of. You teach your children that it’s ok to go against the grain and encourage them to ignore the ignorance and narrowmindedness of the world around them. I was raised in a family of racists rednecks and I turned out ok I think. We were poor and I got picked on a lot because I never had the cool clothes and I never fit in with the popular kids. I don’t know if that’s more or less horrible than being picked on because you live in a house with more than two parents, but who knows.
Jack and I have locked horns over this issue several times in the past months. In fact during one late-night conversation I was relatively certain that we would either have to file for divorce or return to monogamy, the situation seemed so impassable.
I am still not certain how to resolve any of this. I want to give up hiding because it feels so smothering and fraudulent to keep up the deception, just out of fear, and just for the sake of two other people (namely, Jack’s parents). On the other hand, I want to be respectful of Jack and accommodating of his feelings on the matter. I want to support his decision not to come out, but at what cost to myself and to my own sense of being truthful?
How does one manage to remain true to themselves and to their own needs, while continuing to honor the needs of the people they love?