There Is Something That I Must Confess To You Tonight
Posted on July 24th, 2009 in Emotional Angst, Ethics And Morality, Featured, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
After my date with Aiden last week, it occurred to me that Kade and I hadn’t yet set down any sort of parameters in our relationship regarding this sort of situation. I’d always had the distinct impression that Kade wasn’t all that interested in my dating habits. He’s never asked me if I was seeing anyone else. He’s never asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. In fact he’s never even enquired as to how many sexual partners I’ve had or a relationship history of any kind.
I care about Kade a great deal, and he has ZERO experience with any of this, so I wasn’t entirely sure how to bring it up. I consulted Nia, who advised me to frame it as a hypothetical question, which would remove a lot of the emotional weirdness until I could establish how much information he wanted.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you by the way, hypothetically, if I was seeing anyone else, would you like to know about it, and if so, how much do you want to know?”
I wasn’t really certain what to expect, but his response was pretty calm. He didn’t think that I would suddenly become monogamous, which was a relief. His only concern was the health risks associated with multiple partners, which is completely understandable. We discussed safer sex practices and regular STI testing. He seemed more comfortable after we’d talked about safety measures and the like.
He decided that he’d rather not know if I happen to have casual sex with someone. I mentioned that I have friends in Calgary whom I usually hook up with while I’m visiting, so he’s prepared for the fact that I’m probably going to be sleeping with other people at some point.
When it comes to me dating someone, he said he would like to know. Not details of course, but simply a “By the way, I’m seeing someone in addition to you”. I am actually glad for that, because I won’t have to try to hide it from him (not that I would try to hide it, I would prefer he know, but if he didn’t want to know I would have to do something to keep it from being obvious). For instance if he wants to make plans and I am going out with someone else that particular night, I won’t have to come up with a lame excuse, or lie, which makes me feel better.
He acknowledged that he may feel some jealousy, or that perhaps once he and I have sex, he may have other feelings on the subject, so we are both prepared for that. Who knows, he may not have any issue at all.
I’m debating now when to talk to him about Aiden, since he and I are already making plans together into September, which I think qualifies as ’seeing each other’. Perhaps I’ll approach him about it this weekend and I’ll just tell the truth: I hooked up with someone that weekend I went camping and then we went on a date, and now we’re going on other dates, so I thought you should know. Easy, no?
I suspect that jealousy, if there is any, will come about because Aiden is willing to go places and do things with me that Kade isn’t mentally ready for. I feel badly because already I’ve had things go through my head such as “Well I’ll just ask Aiden to go to [insert place/event here] with me because I know Kade probably won’t want to”. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth, and it sucks. I have significant feeling for Kade, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but I want to go out and do stuff and he just can’t. I know he’s really working on it, and I want to be patient, but it’s not easy.