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Posted on February 16th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Made In Alberta, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
Thank you to everyone who has commented so far on my last post. It is sometimes hard to be so vulnerable, even to total strangers.
I want to answer some of the questions that were asked, and respond to HWJ in particular (just so you know, I am very glad to have you as one of my ‘regular’ commenters. Thank you for sharing your opinions and advice).
Anon#2 - Regarding R:
R and I had a really good time together, and he was very sweet. He lives in a different city from me, and after our brief time together in November I was hoping to see him again in January (when he might have been back in town). Due to certain circumstances we did not get to see each other again, and two weeks later he left the country (R is in the military and is currently stationed overseas).
Yes I had some strong feelings for R, but those feelings were 90% lust/infatuation and 10% just plain like towards the guy, since he was a lot of fun and I just enjoyed him as a person. Within three or four days it had passed, although I wouldn’t have minded seeing him again.
The difference with my relationship with K is that we have spent WAY more time together. We have talked, as I said, and we are becoming close friends in addition to our sexual relationship.
The outcome of the situation with R doesn’t offer a lot of help currently. R and I might have become close as well, had circumstances worked in our favor. Who really knows for sure.
HWJ - Regarding choices:
I know that the focus of this blog so far has been about having an open marriage, and I can understand your point of view completely. Going into this we both knew there was a possibility of emotional attachment. I think the main thing that causes Jack anxiety is the speed and intensity at which it has occurred.
Just to make it known, Jack and I intended for this ‘experiment’ to stay relegated to just having sex with as little emotional attachment as possible. However, we are also not totally closed to the idea of forming long-term romantic relationships outside of each other. Maybe Jack will meet a woman and fall in love with her and five years from now we will have a great big happy poly household. Of course that is/was not the GOAL, but it is definitely a possibility as far as we are concerned. We can’t go about trying to force people or relationships into some sort of little box shaped by pre-conceived notions.
I also think that running from jealousy, or trying a quick fix (such as me breaking things off with K) is no way to solve problems. Jealousy is just a symptom of a deeper issue. Why does Jack feel jealous? Is it because of insecurity? Does he have doubts about my devotion to him? Does he feel that K is ‘better’ than him in some way? I think that Jack and I need to address the causes of his feelings first. Until one deals with the root cause of the issue, the feelings will not go away.
I think that dealing with jealousy in a constructive way is an opportunity for us to learn more about each other and grow as a couple.
I have asked Jack several times if he would prefer I stop seeing K and each time he has said “of course not”. He just wants some time for himself, and some time for me, so that we can both be more objective about the situation and make more rational decisions. That said, if in the end he would really prefer I not see K, I will respect his wishes, as will K when it comes right down to it.
Anon #3 - Regarding the letter:
I think that it would be a little too personal to post the entire contents of the letter here on the blog. I still believe that some things should remain sacred between a husband and wife. That said, I will be glad to post a couple of crucial excerpts from it instead
“I want you to know that I love you. I love you beyond what I ever thought possible. You make me so happy that I wonder how I ever lived without you. I know that no matter what happens to us in this life, you will always be there to support, protect, and care for me. And I want you to know that nothing could ever possibly cause me to stop loving you. You are my rock, my foundation, and the person I lean on when I am not strong enough to support myself. Your arms are always open for me, and there is no place on earth where I feel safer than when they are wrapped around me. I hope you also know that I am always here to comfort and support you.”
“…last night I had a talk with K. I told him my feelings for him. I told him very simply that I love him. I love him like a friend, and as a man that I have been intimate with. I also told him that I think that I could grow to love him even more deeply as time passes, provided that things continue to go well. I told him that I think that he is a great person and that I enjoy spending time with him. I wanted him to know that, regardless of how he feels about me.”
I hope that maybe sheds a little light on the situation. Thank you again for your questions and your concern. Don’t hesitate to keep the questions coming. They make us think and help us see things from a new perspective. As always, questions can be general, or directed towards myself, Jack, or K as well.
I hope that you all have a fantastic weekend!