- Posted by Shasta on August 13th, 2008 filed in Carnal Confessions, Daily Microblogging, Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Made In Alberta, Made In Ontario, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
So, last night as Nia and I are driving to the pub where the munch is held, my phone starts ringing. Varick’s ringtone is currently Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, because the first line “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” pretty much sums up my perception of him recently. If you are not familiar, go download it here, for free!
Anyway, I knew it was him, so I answered and he was all “Hey, are you coming to the munch tonight?” and I said that I was, and that I had just pulled into the parking lot. Nia saw him and said “Oh he’s cute” as we were getting out of the truck.
“Yup, he is, fuckin asshole” I said under my breath with a chuckle. He strolled over and I introduced them. Then he turned to me and asked if I was planning to give him a hug. I obliged, although it felt awkward, and it didn’t include any kissing because I pulled away quickly.
We all sauntered into the pub and headed to the room where the group always meets. Greetings and hugs were exchanged with many people, and then the three of us sat down at a table together.
“I was thinking we should discuss the camping trip this weekend, and what all we have to bring” Varick said to me. I just nodded and shot Nia a glance. She sort of smirked knowingly.
Since she and I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months, we spent a good part of the evening swapping stories, while Varick listened. He kept touching my leg under the table or running his fingertips up my side. I basically ignored his attentions, and he seemed to get the hint after an hour or so and abandoned his attempts.
Later into the evening, while Nia was having a conversation with this other nice pair of people, Varick looked at me and asked what was going on. I told him that I needed to talk to him but now was not the time. He looked a little nervous and asked what he’d done wrong.
“We will talk about it later” I said, not wanting to get into it right there at that moment. A short time later we were all outside, and Nia was all “Uh, I think I am going to take a walk…over there!” and she wandered away. I wanted to tell her to stay so that I wouldn’t have to get into it with Varick, who was looking at me expectantly.
Getting started wasn’t easy, but once I stumbled through the first few sentances, I managed to spit out exactly what I wanted to say. I told him that I had been disappointed with the way that he acted when he came over the day I got home from America.
“You KNOW I have a really hard time around new people though” he said, referring to meeting V that evening. “You should know that I was just feeling awkward.”
“But I don’t know that Varick. I mean, I know you have anxiety in social situations, but I don’t know you well enough to always accurately interpret your behaviour. You’re so difficult to get close to, I can only figure out what your actions mean based on my own perceptions.”
He seemed to get what I was saying. So I continued on, telling him that I want to be with someone who is interested in my life and who cares about what is going on with me. He admitted he was pretty crappy about that sort of thing.
I also mentioned not knowing where I stand with him, and that I need him to be more forthcoming with his feelings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, because I have a real struggle with it too. He was looking at the ground by this point, his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.
So he does have feelings after all, he just suppresses the hell out of them, but I seem to have found the key to opening that door (and it actually didn’t have anything directly to do with me).
I asked him if he wanted to break up, and I told him that I had intended to end it that evening. If he hadn’t grasped how serious I was, he did then.
“I don’t want to break up” he said softly. “I know you want an answer about where we stand, but I think I need some time to figure myself out.”
During the course of the conversation I also found out that he has never had a serious relationship before. He’s even LESS experienced than I though, and I get the impression he’s never been in love. Good Gods what am I getting myself into.
As the conversation came to a close he said he had a lot of things to think about. He seemed to be feeling really dejected, and it took everything in me not to coddle him and take it all back. I generally do not enjoy inflicting discomfort on people I care about (if I don’t care about them, well, that’s another thing, LOL) so it was hard to see him like that.
When we were saying goodbye he asked me for a hug, which I gladly gave him. Then he asked if I was expecting him to kiss me.
“I only want you to kiss me if you WANT to kiss me” I said. So he did, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and sighed softly. We stood like that for a moment, and then hugged again, and kissed again, and then went our separate ways.
We are still going to Forbidden this weekend, and I know it will be a good experience. This is our first ‘big heavy’ relationship talk, so if we make it, I think we’ll be fine for a while. If we don’t, well then that is as it should be. Once he’s had some time to figure his shit out, we can discuss it some more. While he is doing that Jack suggested I decide specifically what I want in this relationship so that I can spell it out for him. Since he has no idea what he is doing, just trying to muddle through could prove frustrating. Plus if I lay it all out now he can decide if he wants the same/similar things from this.
Perhaps I am foolish to give him any opportunity to prove himself, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of him being a dick, I think he just has NO freakin idea how to act in a relationship. The conversation we had last night was revealing in a number of ways, and I get the sense that he really does care for me in some capacity.
Despite the potential weirdness, I am really looking forward to the weekend! Hopefully I can get Varick or Deja to take some photos of our play (or just my bruises) for posting once I get back, but no promises