How We Got Here Pt. 3

Posted on November 30th, 2005 in Polyamory

Ok, so I hooked up and had hot anal sex with R. All very steamy and wonderful.

Except for the next day, when I started to feel…bad.

I wasn’t really sure why I felt bad, so I started in on some intense personal reflection, and much talking with my amazingly understanding husband.

Firstly, I was suffering hard-core infatuation for R. Being separated from him made me sad, and I wasn’t dealing with it well at all.

Secondly I felt immense guilt over my feelings for R. I thought that I should be able to have totally emotionless sex with a stranger and not feel the tiniest hint of affection for him.

How wrong I was, so very very wrong.

I talked about it with Jack, I thought about it some more, and then I told myself something:

It’s ok to get attached.

Wouldn’t you know it, I’m only human! Affection is a normal human emotion, it is to be expected (at least for me) when I share intimacy with someone.

It doesn’t mean that I love my husband any less. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. I just means I happened to connect with R, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

And as soon as I accepted that, my bad feelings went away. Of course I still felt sad that I might never see R again, but it wasn’t about to be the end of me. I also realized that infatuation really will pass with time.

Now, up until then, I had been totally closed to the idea of sharing Jack with anyone. A little unfair of me some might say, but I believe it is better to say ‘No’ than say ‘Yes’ and then have it become the end of my marriage.

What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander, especially if the goose feels scared or insecure.

While I was going through my very intense self-examination I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of opening up our marriage. I started to realize that if I had the capacity to have sex with someone else and still love my husband more than life itself, doesn’t that mean that he should have the same capacity?

I know that on an emotional level men and women relate differently. We have different reactions to sex and love, and we have different ways of connecting with the opposite sex. At the same time I know my husband, and I have no doubt that he loves me, and that just because he has recreational sex outside of our marriage, does not mean that he loves me any less.

So, I asked him to read the article that you can find in my sidebar under Resources, and then we had a long talk. It was my idea for him to also have the option to have sex with other women. We started discussing some ‘rules’ so that each of us would feel more comfortable with the new arrangement, and thus our current list of rules was born.

My best friend is the only ‘real life’ friend that knows about this new development. She is so very happy for us and wonderfully supportive. I am so glad that I have her, and actually she was along for the ride during my last two escapades (although she is attached and in a monogamous relationship, we still love to get out and party once in a while).

I am still surprised that I got to this place. In the past the very idea of Jack even flirting with another woman made me green with jealousy. I felt so insecure and afraid to lose him. I didn’t want him to have feelings for anyone but me.

And then I just let it go.

I am coming to realize that Jack isn’t with me because he has to be, he is with me because he wants to be. A ceremony and our signatures on a piece of paper doesn’t change the fact that we both have free will. We still choose to stay with each other each and every day. We love each other, that is what keeps us together, not being married under the eyes of God and our Government.

I also came to the conclusion that just because monogamy is the ‘popular’ way of life, doesn’t make it the right way or the only way. I happen to enjoy very kinky sex, including all the whips, chains, and other trappings. That isn’t the only way to have sex, or even the popular way, but I happen to enjoy it. Just like I happen to enjoy having the occasional fling with men outside of my marriage.

So here we are today. As of yet, Jack has not had the opportunity to meet someone new, but that is only because of time limitations and serious restrictions on leisure time. It is the holidays after all, and Jack’s work has been rather overwhelming lately. I do expect that sometime in the New Year he will have an encounter with another woman, and I suppose we will see how that goes once we get there.

Things may be slow around here over the Christmas Holidays, but I promise many interesting tales to come in the New Year. Between now and then I will try to fill space with more thoughts on monogamy, polyamory, and open marriage.

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Published by Shasta

8 Responses to “How We Got Here Pt. 3”

  1. Hardy Says:

    Wow, very interesting. My wife and I tried a little “Managed Monogamy” about this time last year. We talked about it before hand and decided to give it a try. We met a cute couple online, met up with them for lunch one day, then scheduled something for the following weekend. It was “ok” but the next day there were some wierd feelings, (which is to be expected). We talked about it some more and decided that maybe it was better if we waited before doing it again. We have been married for 9 years and the sex between us is still totally awesome! Who knows, we may try something again in the future.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Since this was his idea to begin with somehow now it will be ok for him to have a litle extra outside of marriage only if “you” allow it first. Am I reading this right and if so what’s “right” with this picture? Sweetie, you are too possessive to make this work, sorry.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  3. Stiletto Girl Says:

    Secret, yes it is understandable to have some weird feelings after something like that. I think that it is really great that you and your wife were able to talk about it and come to an agreement on the status of your monogamy. Thanks for commenting :)

    Anon, perhaps I wasn’t very clear in my posts. It was Jack’s idea for ME to sleep with other men, not for him to sleep with other women. That part was my suggestion, he never pressured or asked me if he could go outside of our marriage. I don’t ‘allow’ my husband to do anything, he has complete free will. However, in the interest of our marriage he choses not to do things that he thinks might upset me or cause problems in our marriage. I am very supportive of his choice to have sex outside of our marriage, so I don’t exactly see how I am too possesive.

    You also must keep in mind that this blog is only a small reflection of us, not the complete picture. I have only written a handful of posts, so I am not sure how you can jump to such an absolute conclusion about people you have never even met before.

    I thank you for commenting.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  4. Lou Says:

    Stiletto Girl, I appreciate you sharing your experience, thoughts, concerns, and feelings with us. I look forward to watching your adventure unfold.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  5. Raheretic Says:

    Stilletto, you might be interested in an article that appeared in Macleans magazine last week chronicaling the growth polyamorous lifestyles in Canada. 117077 117077

    All the best as you explore and grow.

    We are deeply honored to be included in the circle of friends this Blog represents for you.


    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  6. Raheretic Says:

    I’m trying this again. The entire link to the Macleans article did not appear in my previous comment. I hope this makes it easier for you to find it.

    All the best:)


    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  7. Desireous Says:

    Wow this is all so titilating LOL don’t you just love that word? Your blog is very very interesting and I am hungry to hear more!!!


    Reply To The Above Comment

  8. Stiletto Girl Says:

    Lou, thank you so much for your positive comment, it means the world to me :) This blog is often hard for me to write because of the sensitive nature, but I feel so good when someone likes what I have to say.

    Tom, thank you for taking time to visit my blog and leave that wonderful link. I browsed the article briefly and will sit down to read it fully as soon as time permits.

    Desireous, I love that word too :) Thank you for visiting and for commenting! Take care ;)

    Reply To The Above Comment

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