- Abraham Lincoln

I hope you never think that your kids would be better off with someone else, someone who can give them the best of everything, because you failed them.  Because you failed yourself. 

I hope you never have to hear your parents tell you how ashamed they are of you.  Or what a disappointment you’ve become. 

I hope you never have to feel as scared and alone and hopeless as I have.

I hope you really appreciate your good job and having a great education.  It’s no small accomplishment earning a degree and amassing 15 years of experience in your field.  I don’t have either of those things and it makes life more difficult than you can imagine.

I hope you never have to struggle to find a decent job.

I hope you never have to give up everything in order to support someone else’s dreams and goals.

I hope you never lose your way.

I hope that you never have to chose between buying something that you really need or spending that money on something fun for your kids.

I hope that you can always afford to take them on trips, to the movies, and out for meals.

I hope you never have to worry about how you will keep a roof over your kids heads. 

I hope you never have to wonder how you are going to afford groceries AND gas for the week.

I hope you continue to be successful.

Most of all, I hope that you find some happiness again.

In fact it was so bad, and I felt so hopeless and desperate, that I seriously considered checking myself into a hospital.  I looked up suicide crisis centers in my city, just in case, and wrote down the numbers for several help lines.

Sometimes life and the nastiness of this situation become so overwhelming that I fear I am not strong enough to carry on.  I know that suicide is a terrible, selfish thing to even consider, but when you feel so depressed and so certain that you can’t possibly make it through the disaster that you’ve created for yourself, sometimes it seems like the best option.

I thought a lot about what I would write to the people in my life.  To Aiden, V, my parents, Jack, and my kids (to be given to them much later in life of course, when they might understand).  What would I say if I knew I was never going to see any of them again?  What would I want them to know?

I would tell them that I was sorry for not being better, more resilient, more capable of standing up for myself.  I would tell them that I really did try my best, but that at the end of the day, it just wasn’t good enough.  I would tell them, each of them, that I loved them and that I hoped they would remember me the way I was before all of this started.

After spending more time than I care to admit writing these letters in my head, and formulating a suitable plan of self-execution, I decided to sleep on it because I never like to make decisions impulsively.

This morning I woke up, and for several glorious, groggy moments, I was just myself again.  The pain and the anguish from yesterday was gone and I was warm and safe and happy in my bed.  I completely forgot the horrors of my current state of affairs, and I was, dare I say, really happy.

Unfortunately those moments never last, and reality punches me in the face like an angry drunk.  Still, for those brief, amazing, and beautiful moments, I remembered why life is worth living, no matter how bad it seems, and that really, I can’t lose much more than I already have.  If Jack is determined to drive me right into the ground during the course of this divorce, well so be it.  I can only trust that he will at least leave me with joint custody of our kids, and whatever money and possessions I “earned” by giving up my education and a career in order to raise our offspring.

Today is a better day.

Tomorrow is yet to be determined.

Aiden has moved out, and now I divide my time between his place and what now feels like Jack’s house.  My schedule generally involves work, picking up the kids from school, doing homework with them, making them supper, eventually tucking them in, and then going to Aiden’s to make my lunch for the following day, throw in some laundry, take a shower, and then head to bed.  Weekends are a little less repetitive, but we haven’t yet worked out a rotation of who-has-the-kids.

I changed positions at work, and moved into a full-time spot (I was part-time previously).  Aiden is no longer my supervisor, which is perhaps for the best.  I think I will really like my new department, and my new supervisor is extremely trusting in my ability to get things done with minimal input from himself, which I like.  Full-time also means more money in the bank, which is important now that I actually have to support myself for the first time in almost a decade.

It’s terrifying and hard and depressing, but it’s also sort of liberating and satisfying at the same time.  When Jack and I were first together I struggled with feeling like I didn’t really contribute because I didn’t work or pay the bills.  I was resentful, off and on, of giving up any hopes of a career while raising younglings.  Yes, I worked some over the years, and for a while I had that same liberated, satisfied feeling.

It’s strange and sometimes uncomfortable to have to operate within a rather restricted budget (hopefully only for the time being, until better employment comes along for either Aiden or myself).  I became accustomed to a rather cushy lifestyle, and although I still retain ownership over a vast number of objects, I no longer enjoy the luxury of things like eating out, purchasing clothing or other extras on a whim, or driving hither and yon with no thought to how much gas I might be burning.

While there are times when it’s difficult and aggravating, I’ve also come to appreciate the finer things in life in a way I haven’t in many years.  When I *do* get to eat out, I don’t take it for granted.  I make more conscious choices when it comes to where I spend my grocery money (which is not only beneficial to my wallet, but my waistline).  I don’t waste money on frivolous items that serve no real purpose.  I’ve learned better methods of managing money, keeping a written budget, and saving for things I want rather than just buying them immediately.  It certainly ensures that I prioritize.

I read an article sometime ago regarding ones satisfaction level when something, like a vacation, had to be scrimped and saved for, rather than paid for with little to no impact to ones finances.  Apparently many people report feeling a greater sense of enjoyment and satisfaction when their trip had to be earned and planned for over a period of time, as opposed to those who could afford to travel on a whim.  I have no idea if that’s true for everyone, but I am beginning to understand what they meant.  I’ve only been living on a reduced budget for a month and some, but my perspective is changing.

Jack and I continue to struggle with relating to each other, and keeping things civil.  It seems as though we rotate between good days, bad days, and days when I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.  Our trust in each other has been eroded to the point where neither of us feel that we can put much stock in the other.  I hope that changes with time.  It’s difficult to endure what I perceive as his intense dislike for me, and I am certain it is just as difficult for him.  There are times when I look at him, and I’m not even certain that I know him at all.

Separation changes people.

We’ve become bitter and filled with resentment and anger.  There are times when we have been so truly ugly towards each other, I’m not sure I recognize either of us anymore.  I’ve been cruel and malicious in ways that I wouldn’t dream of inflicting on my worst enemy, let alone a man that I once loved more than anything.  It never begins that way, but it seems as though when conflict arrives, rather than acting as sensible adults, we are reduced to rabid, snarling animals.

I want so badly for us to be able to work together, for the benefit of our children, who are totally innocent in all of this.  I hope that we can come to some sort of understanding, and move forward in a more positive way.

For the time being, it feels dangerous to hope for anything beyond good days eventually outnumbering the bad ones.

I don’t think that I have it in me to continue tweeting, and now that I’ve been away from it for over a week, there is no real draw to return.

As for this blog, I don’t think that I will take it down, although the domain comes up for renewal in May and I am not yet entirely sure if I can afford to keep it going.  I suspect that I shall renew it for another year, and then see if I use it before letting it expire.

The content herein could still prove useful to some, and so rather than allowing it to vanish into oblivion, I shall likely export it to a free host (WordPress) and then leave it be.

I don’t know, maybe I will take it up again.  Right now it seems pointless due to the fact that I feel uncomfortable writing about my feelings for fear of inciting conflict over here in my “real life”.  Things are extremely sensitive in this house, as Jack and I struggle to discuss and compromise with each other and avoid all of the venom and spite that leaks out with unfortunate regularity.

Just to give a brief update, last night Aiden put down a damage deposit and paid his first month’s rent on his own place.  He will be moving out over the first part of March.

Today Jack is going to visit his family and tell them what is going on.  My family will likely have to wait until next weekend as I am working full time these days in order to pay all of my own bills, and I don’t get a lot of days off.

I already came out to my aunt, who is my closest family member.  Apparently she already suspected, as do my parents, that we have some sort of an open relationship.  She was surprisingly calm and extremely supportive, although I could tell that she was struggling some with the reality of the situation.  It was weird but also liberating to just be honest about everything.  I am not sure that it’s the best course of action when it comes to my mum and dad, but it’s rather nice that at least one more person knows the facts of the matter.

At any rate, I may continue to update sporadically, or as time and consideration for others allow.  I really do wish that I could share more, but for now it’s better not to.

The fact of the matter is that Jack and I are separating.

Despite outward appearances and the timing of everything, this actually has almost nothing to do with Aiden, and Jack will attest to that if you had the opportunity to ask him.

Currently I have moved into my own room, and we are gradually untangling the finances and discussing the future of the children.  There is plenty of pain and sadness to go around, but we are doing our best to keep things extremely amicable.

I understand that people will have their opinions, and rather than locking the comments, I’ve decided to brace myself and leave them open.  I hope that if you chose to remark, you will remind yourself that this blog is only a glimpse into our reality, and that behind it all we are real people, with complicated lives.

As things are rather raw, I likely will not share anything more detailed until the dust has settled.  For now, I simply take each moment as it comes, and do my best to remain true to myself.

394. Make my grandma’s homemade playdough with my kids

That makes four things so far in 2011. Not too bad

It saddens me just to type it, and I toiled with the idea of saying anything here at all, due to the fear that someone will feel blamed or painted as the villain.  However, I promised myself that I would do what I could to detail our relationship as it went along, and although I know I haven’t done that to the fullest extent possible, this happens to be rather pivotal.

When it comes right down to it, Jack came to feel that he and Aiden could no longer live under the same roof.  The reasons for that are…complicated, and I am reluctant to comment on them, as we are all rather wounded and I don’t care to rub salt on anyone.

It feels like a massive personal failure, but I must remind myself that failure is subjective, and that perhaps all of this is the catalyst for something greater.  We made a good go of it, and now we are moving forward in a different direction.

What will become of us, you might wonder?

Thus far the plan is that Aiden will have three more months with us, during which he will be able to save up to get his own apartment.  At that time he will move out, and I will spend half of my time at his place, and half of my time here with Jack, and the children will also spend time at each residence.

Unfortunately, it has been left entirely up to me as to how I divide my time.  This task becomes daunting in the face of taking on more hours at my job, and while attempting to keep everyone involved happy.  I say it’s unfortunate only in that it feels as though the happiness of three different people rests on my shoulders alone, which is a heavy burden to bear.

The future is murky.  I don’t consider this any indication that poly is unmanageable, only that for the three of us, co-habitation is (at present) not agreeable for all those involved.

I will admit that I am struggling with feelings of resentment, and anger, and pain.  Some of them are not caused by the current circumstances, but simply aggravated by it.  Like opening up old wounds, to bleed along with the new.  In attempting to contain them, it would seem that I am simply becoming cool, withdrawn, and emotionally disinterested.  That sucks, but it’s the way I roll at the moment.

There could be more on this, maybe once I feel less raw, but for now we are simply picking up the pieces and attempting to rearrange them in a way that is more satisfactory for everyone.

85. Ride in a limousine

116. Eat at the revolving restaurant in the Calgary Tower

The limo he rented was white, very modern, and gorgeous inside. It was really unexpected, and so wonderful. We got to the tower and went up to the observation deck, where we walked around looking at all of the city lights. I’ve never been up there at night before (and it’s been around two decades since the last time I was up there even in the daytime) so it was very special.

The revolving restaurant was recently re-done and is now very upscale. We got a romantic spot, right beside the windows. It was a bit of a weird feeling to be turning like that, and at first I was afraid I was going to feel ill, but you get used to it quickly.

We had a bottle of wine, and a cured meat platter for an appetizer. The food was spectacular! The platter included venison salami, duck, maple salmon, tuna, scallops, pork pate, and some accompaniments. It was delicious.

For dinner I had a pulled chicken risotto, which was delicious. Likely the best risotto I’ve ever had. Jack had the steak with potatoes and asparagus. It was also very yummy.

While we ate, we enjoyed the amazing panoramic view of the city, and talked a lot about the past and about everything that has happened over the decade we have been together. It was nice to reminisce and remember all of the special times we have had.

Dessert consisted of sticky toffee pudding for me, and maple cheesecake for Jack. Our waitress, who was wonderful, brought them out with candles for us, as she knew we were celebrating our anniversary. It was incredibly sweet.

After we had finished our wine and dinner, we went back down to the lobby, and out to where our limo was waiting.  The ride home was relaxed.  Jack had brought another bottle of wine for us, but we were both so full, we didn’t drink it.

Once we were home, we crawled into bed for cuddling and other more lascivious activities

It was a very special and wonderful anniversary.  I was really touched that Jack had chosen to do some of my list items as part of the celebration, and the whole evening is one that I will never forget.

Jack got me a wonderful dehydrator for Christmas, which made it easy to make our own beef jerky!

325. Make beef jerky from scratch

We picked up some suitable beef, and I sliced it into pieces, marinated it, and then popped it into the dehydrator for five hours.  When it was finished, we had delicious jerky for a fraction of the cost of buying it.

I was really happy with how it turned out, and I’m looking forward to experimenting with other recipes and flavors.

The other item I am currently working on is a gift for Aiden’s Granny, and for his mum and dad.

382. Make a scrapbook for someone as a gift

I should be crossing that one off within the next week or two, as Granny’s scrapbook is almost complete.

On the 3rd, we went to my mum’s where I spent a couple of days recovering, before finally getting home last night.  It was so lovely to sleep in a familiar bed, with company, while not feeling like some hideous mucous monster was going to explode out of my face.  I had a solid, although rather brief sleep.

Now that I feel (almost totally) healthy again, I can get back to making the most of this brand new year!  Lots of great things in store for us.

On Monday Jack and I are kicking off a fitness challenge, competing against each other to see who can lose a higher percent of body mass (not number of pounds).  My mum got us a Wii Fit and The Biggest Loser program with it, and we are doing a 12 week challenge to see who can get fittest first.  The winner gets a $500 prize, to spend on whatever they want (I plan to take a shopping spree at Mountain Equipment Co-op).  We are both REALLY excited!  I plan to kick his ass via a combination of healthy eating, hitting the gym, and a lot of outdoors activities.  I will be posting periodic updates on that I am sure, and of course, at the end of the 12 weeks, I will happily gloat about winning (hee hee).

Speaking of outdoors activities, this weekend I am putting together a little tobogganing party on Saturday afternoon.  It’s P’s birthday tomorrow, so we are sort of incorporating that in as part of the festivities.  Hot chocolate, cupcakes, and sliding down a hill sounds like a great way to spend a day.  Maybe afterwards we will all grab an early dinner out somewhere.

Later this month Jack and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary (10th year together) and all of the planning has been left up to him, so I am completely in the dark as to what we are doing, but I am excited about the surprise.

I’m planning to get in some snowshoeing this month, and also I’m on the hunt for a new job!  It will be nice to work out of the house again, and I want to be able to save up some money for University, and a few other exciting possibilities that are on the horizon.  I overhauled my resume while I was visiting my family, and this evening I plan on applying to some jobs online, and tomorrow I hope to get out and drop off applications.

2011 is looking SO exciting!  I don’t really make NY resolutions, but a few items I’m hoping to cross off my Life List this year include:

24. Take belly-dancing lessons

41. Take tango lessons

80. Play paintball

116. Eat at the revolving restaurant in the Calgary Tower

325. Make beef jerky from scratch

382. Make a scrapbook for someone as a gift

396. Go back to school

434. Make bannok

447. Ride The Mindbender at West Edmonton Mall

519. Camp in the winter

I love the feeling of a fresh year and a fresh start.  Here’s to another great year!

I was totally spoiled this year by both of my loves, and by the kiddos.  Jack got me this awesome dehydrator so that I can make beef jerky and dried meals for backpacking.  I can’t wait to try it!  Aiden got me a water purifying UV pen and a lightweight collapsing fishing rod for backpacking as well.  Plus a super cuddly hoodie.  Santa brought me a lovely gift box from Lush and a 24 pack of multi-colored Sharpie markers.  I also got some other hiking stuff, a movie, and some beautiful things for around the house (candle holders and photo frames).  I am such a lucky girl.

Supper was delicious, and mostly stress-free.  After we ate we all played board games and Munchkin until it was quite late.

We went to my mum’s yesterday to visit everyone.  She got me a Wii Fit for Christmas, which I am really excited about!  She made us turducken, which was really tummy, and I had a great visit with my siblings and family.  We played some great games and laughed until we could hardly breathe.  My aunt and my sister and I stayed up into the wee hours, drinking and giggling and telling stories.  I am so fortunate to have such great women in my life.

Today we relaxed and watched movies until it was time to leave.  I will be going back with the kids after New Years for a longer visit, which I look forward to.

Speaking of New Years, we still have a big party to pull off, but I can’t wait!

2010 is coming to a close but it’s been a lovely ending to a great year.  Wonder what 2011 will bring?

This is the first Christmas we’ve had in Alberta where we were not traveling on Christmas Day.  You have no idea what a relief and a stress that is, all at the same time.  I’m glad we don’t have to pack up the kids and the dogs and the whole nine yards and trek across the country side to either of our parents houses.  I’m glad I don’t have to be party to the inevitable tension or exasperation that comes from forcing two dozen people to partake in a family get-together when half of them don’t seem to want to be there.  I’m slightly stressed at having to cook Christmas dinner (not that I haven’t done just that the years we were in Ontario) but that is par for the course around here.  I’m so happy that all five of us get to be under one roof for Christmas.  I’m happy that we are having X and one of Aiden’s co-workers over for dinner, both of whom would otherwise be alone on Christmas.

That’s really what it’s about, you know.  We have plenty, and there is ALWAYS room for one more at the table.  It’s a good feeling to be able to celebrate in a way that I feel really reflects the spirit of the season.  I also got to play sneaky secret Santa this year for someone who is having a rough time lately.  I didn’t get their special care package mailed off quite in time for it to arrive before Christmas Day, but hopefully it will be a pleasant surprise in the days between now and New Years Eve.  They have no idea it’s coming, but it’s filled with a number of nice things that I thought would bring some cheer, and also remind the recipient that there are people who care about them.

Tonight we are going to The Festival Of Lights as a family, and then coming home to open our Christmas Eve gift (which is always new pajamas).  My mum admitted to starting the pj’s on Christmas Eve tradition so that we would all look nice for the Christmas morning photos, but I think it’s sweet, and so we continue it every year here in Chez Gibson.  Then we shall bundle the younglings off to bed, so that Santa can visit.

I’ve gotten a ton of baking done, and given out pretty boxes filled with goodies to friends.  We have plenty of treats for Christmas dinner tomorrow.  Today I am hoping *fingers crossed* that I can make fudge on snow with the kids and the guys.  That is another old family tradition of ours, but I haven’t made fudge in many years, so it seems a bit daunting.  I am sure it will be wonderful though (I will try to remember to take some photos).

I’m off to pick up a few last minute groceries for tomorrow, but I hope all of you have Happy Holidays, however you chose to celebrate (or not).  I likely won’t have much time for posting between now and January 1st, as we will be preparing for our big luau party, but I hope to get a lot more writing done in 2011.  Hopefully it will be less chaotic, but more on that later.

Have a wonderful weekend!

The first time kind of sucked. The second time hardly phased me. My confidence is improving, as it my technique.

If you want to take a peek at the photos, you have to click through (I finally learned how to put cuts on posts, LOL)

These practice sessions were done with 25g 1.5 inch needles. I haven’t worked myself up enough to attempt the 22g sharps

My denial of the season comes not from my usual distaste for the entire over-commercialized mess that is December, but from the fact that I have been utterly and completely distracted by matters completely unrelated to the holidays.

Fortunately, even though I didn’t feel the least bit “Christmas-sy” until yesterday, I still managed to get almost all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have a couple of items left to pick up, and I will be officially finished, without any of that yucky panic that kicks in around December 22nd.  I’m done all of the major items, and have only a number of stocking stuffers to fetch, and not due to procrastination on my part, but rather lack of a convenient time to do so.

Over the weekend Aiden and I made a quick dash to Edmonton to visit his brother and sister-in-law, and to drop off their gifts.  They are unable to join us for Christmas day this year due to work schedules and so we wanted to see them before the month was out and available weekends were slim.  We returned on Saturday afternoon, so that I could make it to my pole dancing class, which was difficult but fun.

On Sunday we put up the tree, listened to Christmas songs, and played board games as a family until it was time for bed.  I put together a bunch of appies and snack food and we all sat around the kitchen table playing Monopoly and Munchkin, and laughing and talking.  It was really wonderful.  I’m totally enjoying the stress-free holidays.

This week we have Christmas pageants to attend and gifts to get wrapped, but there seems to be no hurry to any of it.  I plan to do some baking, and give some as gifts, and send some to work with the guys.  On Christmas Eve there will be games and snacks and watching of favorite holiday movies.  We are having a small, quiet family Christmas Day, probably just the five of us.  We will have a big, fancy brunch after we open gifts, and then spend the afternoon playing with all of our new treasures and being together.  There will be turkey and wine and more food that we can possibly eat.

We plan to go to my parents house on Boxing Day, stay overnight, drop the kids off with Jack’s parents, and then come home and begin the wind-up for NYE.  We are hosting a luau party and hope to have many of our friends attend.  I haven’t hosted a big house party in ages, so I am really looking forward to going all-out and throwing a fantastic soiree!  I’m going to have a chocolate fountain with tons of fruit, coconut shrimp with pina colada dipping sauce, a dry-ice volcano, and some traditional Hawaiian luau foods.  Everyone has been asked to wear Hawaiian attire, and we are working on some games and other entertainment to go with the theme.  It’s going to be great.

I’m feeling so pleased about Christmas this year.  It’s going to be a really nice, laid-back, and relaxing one.  I’ve had enough stress for one year, so I’m happy that 2010 is going out on such a good note.

The past 12 months have seen Aiden move in with us and become a part of our family.  Then there was another move of epic proportions, taking all five of us, and the two dogs, over 2,000 miles back across the country.  Back to Calgary and to all of our friends and family here.

There has been much joy, laughter, and so, SO much love.  There has also been pain and stress and tears and moments where it felt as though we were going to rip each other to shreds.  Yes, there is always some darkness, but mostly there has been intense happiness.

I’ve renewed friendships, and made a couple of new ones.  I’ve crossed at least a dozen items from my Life List, pushed myself to the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and grown as a person. I’ve found myself, lost myself, and found myself again.

Recently I applied for University in Calgary.  I haven’t been a student in over a decade, but the prospect of returning to school is thrilling and terrifying all at once.  My return to school (and increased absence from home) is liable to rock the boat in a significant way, but we shan’t have to deal with that until well into next year.  I know that we shall pull together, as we always do, and make it work.

It’s been a year of change, as most of them are, but this one particularly so.  I feel stronger, physically and mentally, than I have in years prior, and that makes the struggle worth it in the end.  I want that trend to continue into the new year.  I want to keep getting better, as a person, and as a partner, and as a mother.

I want to reinvent myself over and over, and come out the better for it.

Mine was productive, and yet relaxing.  Here, let me tell you about it.

Thursday night (yes, I am starting on Thursday) was the evening Jack and I set aside to celebrate the anniversary of our engagement (which was technically on Friday, see below for why we had it on Thursday instead).  We dressed up nice and went for a really delicious dinner at The Keg.  We shared a bottle of wine, reminisced about the old times, and had a very wonderful evening together.  Then we went home, had a celebratory roll in the hay as it were, and fell asleep all cuddled up with each other.

On Friday night Jack and the kids left to spend the weekend in Edmonton participating in Grey Cup festivities.  I was unable to join them due to the fact that pole dancing classes fall smack-dab in the middle of Saturday evening.  After seeing them off, Aiden and decided to run a couple of errands.  We wanted to get started on our Christmas shopping, and we also had to make a trip to the pharmacy for play piercing supplies.

Yes, you read that right, hee hee.

Aiden bought me 50 22g hypodermic needles, a sharps disposal container, some nitrile gloves, and alcohol prep pads.  Oh are we ever going to have some fun!

We also scouted out some great gifts for the kids at the funky store next to the pharmacy.  Then we went for a bite to eat before heading home to watch some TV and play StarCraft II.

Saturday morning found us braving the mall, where we picked up some Christmas gifts, and also a new game for the PS3 (Lost Planet 2).  The malls are already totally crazy, so I was happy to get the hell out of there after a couple of hours of shopping.

After we got home, Aiden decided to have a nap, and I decided to get out my needles and do a little practice run on a raw chicken.

Yes, you read that right too.

Raw chickens have a similar feel to human skin, although when you practice on chickens you end up piercing through the muscle meat, just due to the fact that the skin itself and the fat layer beneath are far thinner than that of human being, and so the main purpose of practicing on them is to get your spacing and technique correct.

Before I continue, let me assure everyone that while I am NOT a trained professional, I have some practical knowledge of play piercing by way of workshops, observing other piercers in action, extensive reading on the internet, and have re-read Play Piercing by Deborah Addington at least three times.  Does this make me qualified for play piercing?  Probably not, which is why I shall practice at length on chickens and myself before I put a needle to the skin of anyone else.

Even though I was only piercing a dead bird, I went through the motions of cleaning (or pretending to, as I was planning on feeding this bird to my dogs afterwards) and re-gloving, just as I would if I was piercing a human. It’s good to go through the motions, even on “dry runs” so that you get used to the routine involved.  Believe it or not, I did learn some things while piercing Mrs. Cluck here.  Mainly about handling sharps without poking yourself, how important it is to work from top to bottom and not the other way around, and that initially marking your entry and exit points is more effective and safer than trying to eye-ball it.

After cleaning up and putting away my gear, I left for pole dancing class, which was awesome.  I really improved my fireman spin and we learned some sexy transition moves.  It was good fun!

Once class was over I visited with V briefly before heading for home.  Aiden and I played a little Lost Planet 2 before getting ready for the play party.  He wasn’t feeling very good, and we debated about going, but decided to make an appearance anyway, even if we didn’t stay long.  We grabbed some supper on the way, and got there about half an hour after things had started.

It was a much smaller event than we are used to.  Maybe because it’s a relatively new event (this was only their second one) but the smaller size made it very comfortable.  We got to talk to almost everyone there, and made some new friends.  The dungeon they have set up is very nice, and on a different floor than the social area, which is awesome!  No distractions of people talking about work or kids while you are trying to focus on your scene.

We didn’t end up playing because we lost track of time and ended up visiting until after 1am!  Aiden wasn’t feeling so hot anyway, so I didn’t expect that we would play (my butt was still a little sore from a belting I got earlier in the week anyway, heh) and it was lovely just to be social.

I was happy to crawl into bed around 2am and get some sleep!

Sunday was pretty laid back.  We played video games and tidied up the house a bit.  Jack and the kids made it home around 4pm and then it was time to watch the game!  There were lots of snacks and we all watched the Grey Cup.  None of the teams I really care about were in it, so I sort of split my attention between the game and my computer, but it was fun anyway.

Once the game was over we put the kids to bed and Aiden and I played some StarCraft II in the living room while watching TV with Jack.  Aiden really likes The Walking Dead series, and I watch it with him, even though it gives me nightmares pretty much every time.  Last night I dreamed that the zombie apocalypse was just beginning and we were gathering supplies from the house before leaving town and heading north (for some reason I believe that going to where it is very cold is the best idea in the event of zombies.  I mean, they would freeze solid, and then you could just knock their heads off where they stood.  Sounds like a plan to me).  It wasn’t as scary as a dream I had the last time I watched it that involved trying to make a pipe bomb out of a metal water bottle while tossing undead off the roof of the building we were trapped on.

Why yes, I DO have an over-active imagination, why do you ask?

Anyway, after that Jack headed to bed and Aiden and I followed shortly after.

This morning Aiden helped me with cleaning up the house in preparation for his mother, who is arriving here on Saturday night.

All in all it was a really great weekend, some low points aside.  I am hoping to do my first actual play piercing on Aiden this coming weekend, so I shall endeavour to post some photos of that, and probably some more shots of my practice sessions in the mean time.

That reminds me, I should take some meat out of the freezer for supper tonight…

I’m still experimenting and tweaking my diet (and by diet I mean eating habits) in order to gain the approval of my colon.  There have been good days and bad days, but for the most part, I am only going once or twice a day, which is a huge improvement.  I’ve eliminated all refined grains, and cut out as many processed foods as possible.  I’m not experience gut aches any more, which is really nice.  Hopefully things continue to improve as I figure out what my triggers are.  I am still planning on getting things looked at by my doctor once we get our insurance straightened out.

This Friday Jack and I will be celebrating the anniversary of our engagement.  We’ve been together for almost 9 years now, and while we don’t usually have a big to-do over this anniversary, we are going to have a nice dinner out together to observe the occasion.  I will never forget the moment when he knelt in the snow, and asked me to be his wife.  It was dark, and the city lights twinkled behind us from the special spot he took me to.  It was a really wonderful proposal, and I’m so happy that he asked me to marry him all those years ago.

On Saturday night, after my pole dancing class (which I am LOVING, by the way) Aiden and I are attending our first play party here in Calgary.  We went to our first munch on Monday evening, and met some really friendly people.  I, for one, have felt welcomed by the community here, something I didn’t expect.  It’s been a very pleasant surprise.  Some of the community members whom we didn’t get a chance to talk to on Monday night stopped by where we were sitting to say goodbye and said that they hoped to get a chance to visit with us next time.  That was really nice.  I’m really looking forward to the party, as it’s been a long time.  The hosts are just about the most outgoing and good natured people you could meet.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a fantastic time.  I hope we can play a little

Aiden’s mum is coming to visit us next weekend.  I am a little nervous about that as she doesn’t know the truth about the situation.  Jack has generously agreed to make himself scarce for the two days that she is here, and Aiden and I have decided to go with the story that we are storing some of his things, if she asks.  I don’t know how I feel about it all, but I’ve missed her so much, and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s difficult to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.  I am hoping to get a lot of shopping done this weekend.  We haven’t bothered decorating yet.  Honestly, I think it’s very strange to decorate a house before the beginning of December, but perhaps that is because we always had real trees, and if you wanted them to last until New Year, you couldn’t set them up until the middle of the month.  I’m in no hurry to get anything put up, it will get done after we get through the impending mother visit.  We also keep our decorations up until Ukrainian Christmas, which is in January, so having the house decorated for over a month seems excessive.

We are very busy, but life is good.

While there wasn’t anything particularly new or exciting, we DID meet some fabulous people from the local kink community and got the down-low on an upcoming play party that we plan to attend.

We saw a really fantastic coffee table that converted into a spanking bench in mere seconds.

My pole dancing school did some sexy demos on stage, and I got to say “I can do that!” a few times.

Aiden decided to do a little shopping in anticipation of our anniversary celebration in the hotel room later that evening.  He picked up a Door Jam Sex Swing, some rope, and a rabbit fur flogger.

Yes, I already have a sex swing, but this swing is super portable (we got to use it in our hotel) and doesn’t require fastening bolts into the ceiling, which is a perk.

The bunny flogger is extremely sensual, and soft, and oh-so-erotic when draped over ones naked flesh.  Mmmmmm.

We didn’t linger long at the show, as we had better things to do (namely squirreling our packages off to the hotel suite and setting out to screw each other senseless).  I have to say, with some sadness, that I was disappointed with the Calgary show, and I’m not sure that I will continue attending each year unless I volunteer at the dungeon again.  It’s just become very redundant.

That said, we DID enjoy ourselves and our new toys at least made it worth while (they added to the really fantastic time we had later that evening).

Next weekend Aiden and I are attending our first play party in Calgary, and I am looking forward to it with a mix of excitement and trepidation.  There is also a munch on Monday night that we are going to make an appearance at, and I hope we can make some new friends here in the community.

For quite some time now (ok, we are talking several YEARS here) my gut has been trying to tell me something, and I have diligently ignored it.  I’ve chalked up it’s plethora of issues to all manner of excuses, including stress, a “stomach bug”, and simple irritability.

Over the past month, it has become increasingly loud and obnoxious in it’s cries for attention.  And by cries of attention I mean constant stomach pain, accompanied by mucous-filled stool the consistency of sand, topped off with what can only be described as an oil slick, left lingering on the surface of the water after every visit to the bathroom.  And did I ever visit often!  Usually four or five times before lunch.  Generally I lost count after that.

It isn’t *always* this bad, but I would say that over the past few years, anything resembling “normal” bowel movements have been few and far between.

During my most recent commitment to clean eating, I noticed immediately a change in the way that my body processed food.  The stomach pain ceased, and after three or four days, I was having totally normal visits to the toilet.

I had expected that I would feel better once I began eating more healthfully, but it wasn’t until Aiden and I spent last weekend celebrating the anniversary of our collaring, and I indulged in a couple of meals that included refined grains and processed foods, that I really realized the connection.  Even though I only ate TWO meals that were on the indulgent side (brunch at Denny’s and a tasty chorizo cannelloni at The Old Spaghetti Factory) and I was back in the bathroom, where it looked like BP had another “woops” moment, right in my small intestines.

After our weekend, I got back on my clean eating plan, and things began to normalize again.  As of this morning, everything coming out looks like it should and I feel great.

While all of this back and forth has been going on in my digestive system, I’ve been reading and fretting, wondering if perhaps I have Celiac disease or something wrong with my pancreas.  Through a bit of dietary trial and error, the only real conclusion I’ve come to is that I have a sensitivity to refined grain products, processed foods, and foods with high fat/oil content.  It could be some sort of malabsorption problem, or irritable bowel syndrome (I’m thinking the latter, since I have all of the symptoms).  While I certainly DO intend on doing some follow-up with my doctor, for the time being I am sticking with whole grains, and avoiding fast/processed food.

For some reason, finding (or at least speculating) that this problem I have is an actual medical issue, makes it infinitely easier to stick with my improved eating habits.  Even if it’s just a self-diagnosed label at the moment, I feel like it gives me something valid to tell others and myself when it’s difficult to stick to clean foods.  My family is particularly bad for pushing foods that are far from healthy, and so with the holidays just around the corner, I feel that putting up the “I have _______ and can’t eat that” wall will make it much easier to decline gracefully.

The changes in diet and my increased exercise habits have had the delightful effect of shrinking my waist, and making me feel stronger both physically and mentally.  I’m fitting into smaller clothes, and plenty of people have remarked that they can tell I am losing weight (or at least inches).  It feels great to be headed into the holidays with a commitment to sticking to my goals and lots of support behind me (thanks boys, I couldn’t do it without you).  I know I will be a better, and fitter me, going into 2011.