Tonight I’m Going To Bury That Horse In The Ground

I’ve been reading through the archives of this site.  I did keep them, although they are not accessible to the internet public.

My initial motivation was to remind myself of who I was when Aiden and I began seeing each other.  You see, unsurprisingly, we’ve become very different people over the course of the relationship.  Many of the changes in me were at least partially fueled by what happens to a person when their marriage ends.  According to my therapist, it takes at least 2 years to begin becoming “normal” again, after such a traumatic and life-altering experience.  While I have certainly dealt with a lot of the emotional aspect, I am definitely not back to my old self yet.  And maybe that old self is dead, but in her place is a person I am not usually very happy being.  I have grown vindictive, bitter, un-trusting, cynical, and jaded.  I am often vicious, without really meaning to be, but scathing remarks just come out of my mouth.

This has taken it’s toll on us, both as individuals and as a couple.  Some might say we are getting what we deserve, but I don’t believe that’s true anymore.  We aren’t bad people.  We didn’t set out to ruin Jack’s life.  Everything that happened was a result of the decisions we all made, both collectively and individually, and we can all own that now.

Aiden has adapted to my viciousness by becoming distant from me emotionally.  He’s quick to anger, and while we have both remained affectionate, the efforts he used to make to romance me are fairly non-existent.  At times we have lived like roommates, only touching in bed, because it’s confines leave us little choice.

However, at some point in our relationship we began a little ritual, wherein we set our alarm clock 30 minutes before we get up, and we spend that time cuddling.  It’s automatic now, but still meaningful.  No matter how badly we had been fighting, nor how angry we were, we continued the morning cuddling sessions, because sometimes it was the only indication that we still loved each other at all.  That, and the fact that neither of us ever left.

That 30 minutes in the morning was just enough to keep us going.

Lately, I decided that I didn’t want to live in a miserable loop of fight-get along-fight-get along-fight for the rest of my life.  I agreed to go back to counselling, and I decided on my own that I wanted to find out what was so different about the early days of our relationship (besides the obvious).

I hadn’t given this blog much thought for a couple of years, when I remembered that I had written a bunch of stuff here.  I prayed that I had kept it somehow, and started digging through my control panel, shuffling though the various places I hide my stuff on the web, and then I found it.  It was all there, and I started reading intensely.

The thing that struck me the most, was how genuinely nice and thoughtful I was.  I did things without having any apparent motivation to do them, aside from being caring.  I didn’t seem to expect my partners to do things for me FIRST, I just…did stuff.  Really great stuff.  I didn’t say “Well, when HE is nice, then I will be nice”.  Nope, it wasn’t tit-for-tat back then.  I didn’t keep track.  I just loved, and gave, and got in return.

Somewhere along the way I became too angry to just give without expecting anything.  To be kind first.

So, last week, I was just…nice.  I was mindful of the things I said, I went out of my way to be extra generous and thoughtful.  I said very loving words, and acted in very loving ways, and wonder of wonders, everything was peaceful!

Aiden didn’t react at first.  I had to bite my tongue a time or two, but after a couple of days, he started doing something really great too!  He was nice back!  Not only that, but I started to see that great and romantic guy that used to drive all night just to see me for a few hours.

I know, it sounds terribly stupid and obvious when I write it, but if you knew how really disinterested and indifferent to him I had become (and he to me) and how strong my drive to just lash out irrationally is, you would understand why this was hard.

Everything I had become screamed at me to stop being so nice, because why should I have to be nice first?  Why should I have to make all the effort?  It’s like being 5 again.  Ugh!  So awful.

This week was equally peaceful.  Aiden was SO excited to come home from his job away.  I got tons of really sweet and loving texts all the time he was gone.  He was super forgiving about the less than stellar shape of the house (to be honest I did try, and most of the place was pretty tidy, but other areas of life got in the way) even though in the past he would be annoyed because who wants to come home to a place that looks like wild animals live in it?  He said we might even play tomorrow!!  I am trying not to get my hopes up, but fingers crossed 🙂

The me from back then was a far more gracious and generous human than the me of a month ago.  Oh don’t get me wrong, some of my writing just oozed self-importance and arrogance.  I thought I was pretty hot shit at times.  I am embarrassed by some of the things I used to say, but I just kept reading between the lines, gathering together bits of information on my behavior, on what made me so appealing to the men who loved me.  Even if I *was* a bit self-obsessed (don’t even get me started on the level of angst) I was still a pretty loving and kind human being, at least by comparison.

I want to be that person again.

1 Comment

  1. That’s a beautiful story. I really hope that you don’t despair. The world needs more of that kindness.

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