Sunday’s Are Always The Hardest

It’s always so awkward at the beginning, writing, that is.  I always feel uncertain, even though it hardly matters.

You left for work again today.  I especially hated to see you go after having such a peaceful weekend together.  The three days never seem long enough, even when we are fighting.

I’ve been wandering through my old sex blogger haunts.  It’s sad, because it’s a bit like a ghost town.  Many of the “Old Crew” no longer write.  Almost all of the blogs I used to visit are dead, left to collect cobwebs, or disappearing entirely.  I wonder what became of some of them.  I wonder if anyone wonders about me, or us.

I feel like a stranger now, like I don’t belong in this corner of the web anymore.  Maybe I don’t.

I do hate to dredge up the past, but in this case, it’s allowing me to piece together a person whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  The person I was once, before everything changed, and turned us into people that seem normal at this point, but who are so different from who we used to be.

Four years is a lifetime, on the internet.

Turning over stones can be discouraging.  This evening I found an email I wrote to you in 2010, but it may as well have been yesterday.  So many of the same troubles.  Maybe they will never go away entirely.  We will probably never match up just right, but maybe we can get close again.

It’s not all bad.  I found some erotic text messages, and quite a few words of love.  We used to be quite playful with each other.  We still are, but there’s always pain and hurt bubbling so close to the surface.  Even the slightest nick sends it hemorrhaging out, broiling and burning.

I miss you.  The bed is so empty without you.  Even when I am furious with you I still long for the warmth of your body next to me, of you skin against mine, the soft murmur of your breathing in the dark.

4 Comments

  1. Shasta- it is good to hear from you. Yes, I left you in my feed – hoping 🙂 and was happy to see you write, even if under different circumstances. I’ve often wondered about you. What your cooking, if youre camping or hiking somewhere cool. People change as is life. But know your writing has been missed.

    Although maybe I don’t know the full story, I’m happy that perhaps you will write for yourself again, in any context.

    Hugs to you.
    Lucky

    • Shasta

      May 7, 2014 at 3:58 am

      Lucky,

      I am so touched, and flattered by your words. I have missed my dear readers. It’s amazing to me that some of you have waited, and wondered.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I look forward to writing more here soon.

      XO

      – Shasta

  2. “I wonder if anyone wonders about me, or us.”

    I often wondered what happened to you. We talked on the phone a few years ago and then I never heard from you ever again. It made me sad as you were one of my closest and dearest friends for a long time. I would think of you and wondered if you were ok. I missed reading your blog too.

    I have thought about some of the wild times we had together when I was in Toronto visiting you as well as your visit out to see me. There were things that would remind me of you. Those memories are very precious to me. I have missed you and glad to see you blogging again and coming out of the shadows.

    Hugs,
    padme amidala

    • Shasta

      May 17, 2014 at 1:08 am

      Padme,

      Thank you for your comment. I wasn’t really expecting it 🙂 It’s true we just sort of fell out of touch. The first year I was separated was pretty tough, I wasn’t very good at maintaining friendships or much of anything really. It’s been a long old road, but it’s getting better now.

      I’ve kept up on your life through your blog. I am sorry to read you’ve been having a rough year. I hope it gets better for you soon. I’ve missed blogging here (I’ve kept it up elsewhere) and it’s good to be back.

      XO

      -Shasta

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