I can be physically vulnerable, that doesn’t scare me at all, but when it comes to talking about my feelings, or God forbid, crying in front of him (the HORRORS!) I would rather eat a pail of sand.

I’ve always had kind of a hang up about crying in front of people.  My family really frowned on the shedding of tears, even during moments when it seemed like the appropriate response.  I very clearly remember my mother and my great aunt discouraging me from crying at my great-grandmothers funeral (she and I were very close and it was a terrible loss).  It struck me as odd at the time, and in the weeks after, but looking back on it, that was just the way my family has always been.  Crying was associated with being emotional and weak.  We (my siblings were no exception) were expected to hold ourselves together and be rational.  Even now, most of my family members will become extremely uncomfortable and change the subject if I attempt anything more than superficial conversation with them.  Feelings are private and should stay that way, period.  My grandfather, who was and continues to be like a father to me, and whom has always treated me like his favorite, used to always tell us to “toughen up” if we were hurt or sad over something.  I don’t think he was trying to be callous, I think he was passing on what he had always been taught, and doing it to prepare us for the harshness of life later on.

Anyway, I can’t blame it all on my family, but that early conditioning does not make it easy for me to be forthcoming with my feelings.

Often when I feel wounded enough that I cannot suppress the tears, I will hide somewhere to have a moment with myself.  If I can’t manage that I will avoid eye contact with whomever happens to be present until I can compose myself.  I know at times it has driven those closest to me a little crazy.  One afternoon, not really that long ago, I was driving somewhere with V and we were discussing something painful for me, and she could see that I was doing everything possible not to lose my shit right in front of her.

“It’s ok to let it out you know” she said, slightly exasperated.  After being my best friend for over a decade, I think it still irritates her that I can’t just let it go.  In my defense, I’ve gotten better, but I still don’t think my ability to talk about or express emotions is the same as most peoples.

The first time I cried in front of Aiden, it was during a scene, a punishment actually.  In fact, that’s the ONLY time I can cry in front of him, even though there have been times when I felt the urge while we were not playing.  Even though I still hate when it happens, and I feel intensely uncomfortable, I can’t seem to turn it off.

Most recently, he was punishing me after I’d been completely out of line for the better part of two weeks.  I did not take my punishment gracefully, and in fact I struggled and resisted until finally it seemed wiser to just give up and take what was coming to me.  That bothers me, that I didn’t really surrender, I just felt defeated, which is not the same thing.  That, perhaps, is a topic for another day.

At any rate, he punished me, and though it wasn’t particularly harsh, I felt exceptionally emotional.  When it was over, I cried, with my head in his lap, while he rubbed my back and praised me and told me to let it all out.  He called me his good girl and although I still felt stupid and embarrassed,  his response was supportive and considerate of my feelings, which made it slightly less horrifying for me.

I hate it sometimes that it has to be so hard for me to just let it go.  I want to be open with my feelings, but I suppose I am afraid.  I am afraid of how Aiden will react, or that I will be further wounded, or that I will say the wrong thing.  We haven’t gotten to the point where I trust that no matter what he might say, he’s coming from love.  It takes a long time for me to get there (I think I am currently averaging around six years to get to that point with people.  Just ask V and Jack, heh).  It’s not fair though, and at some point I am going to have to stop being so guarded and defensive and just trust that he loves me and that he won’t intentionally hurt me.  I would say that nine times out of ten, when we are at odds with each other, it is due to the fact that I haven’t been open about my feelings, and that I have made assumptions about him, or expected him to read my mind.

It seems ridiculous to me that I can’t just say what I feel or acknowledge and embrace my emotions, no matter what they might be.  It’s easy to tell myself that nothing truly horrible will happen, and that likely my being forthcoming will only lead to Aiden and I having a closer relationship, but in the moment it’s difficult to remind myself of that.  In the moment I just want to avoid having to talk about it.

The progress is slow, but I think that things are getting better.  Aiden has a good deal of patience, but I don’t really want to push it all the way to its limits.

Typing that word in reference to myself still makes me cringe a bit, but not as badly as it did in the beginning.  I’ve grown accustomed to some aspects of wearing a collar 24/7, but many are still a struggle.

Asking for what I want is sometimes extremely difficult.  For example, I am not permitted to masturbate without permission, but rather than ask, I will often assume the answer will be no, and just not bother.  There are times when my submissive feelings embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable.

Some things are becoming easier.  I’ve been more obedient, at least in terms of completing tasks set to me, and doing as I am told.  I’ve been less bratty and rebellious.  I’m adjusting, somewhat slowly, to the fact that I really don’t get to make my own decisions a lot of the time.

We’ve both had our moments of doubt that this would work.  There have been times when I wanted to take my collar off and throw it at his head.  I wanted to tell him that he makes a far better boyfriend than he does a Dominant and that I just would prefer a “normal” relationship.  He questioned how serious I was about being his slave.  He thought perhaps I just wanted a collar as a status symbol, without all of the commitment required.  There have been a couple of disagreements, I’ve had a tantrum or two, but we seem to find our way.

The main sticking point currently, as far as Aiden is concerned, is that I still haven’t really accepted the fact that my time is no longer my own.  I am so in the habit of doing as I please, when I please, that it’s difficult for me to remember that I must ask, or at least notify him before I leave the house, talk on the phone to my friends, or agree to social activities (among other things).  My time, at least what does not belong to Jack and the kids and my job, is all his, and I am supposed to ask how best to spend that time, and not just decide for myself.  My time is to be spent pleasing him, regardless of what that means.

He feels that when that finally clicks somewhere in my brain, I will become a far better slave, and I agree that he’s right.  Yes I’m still a bit of a brat.  My alligator-mouth writes cheques for my hummingbird-ass all the time, but he’s generally lenient unless I really get out of line.  He will tolerate playful unruliness, but he will not put up with blatant disrespect.  Sometimes I step over the boundaries before I can catch myself, but in my perception it is getting better.  He will often give me a stern look when I’m pushing my luck, which is fair warning.

Initially, I think I really pushed the envelope because I wanted to test him.  I wanted to see if he was really serious.  Then one week I *really* irritated him, and acted like a totally sassy bitch.  So he zip-tied me to an ironing board, told me not to pull it over, and then hit me with the “whippy stick” until I cried.  To really make his point, he didn’t stop when the tears started, but finished what he’d begun, and then fucked me in the ass until I begged him to stop and promised to do as I was told.

After that, I decided it would be in my best interest to keep my behavior in check.

I’m sure that makes him sound like a total dick to some of you, but it was a justified punishment.  I knew I was being terribly disobedient and stubborn, and I knew what would happen if my behavior continued.  He gave me plenty of warnings, which I dismissed.

Fortunately, since then, I have behaved well enough to really avoid any more significantly harsh punishments, but I’m certain it will probably not be the last.  I am, after all, only human.

The “Ironing Board Incident” did have one somewhat distressing side effect.  It kind of killed my desire to play at all for quite a few weeks.  I hadn’t really noticed it until Aiden brought it up during his time here after Christmas, because it sort of seemed as though we just hadn’t made time for play.  Once he mentioned it though, it sort of dawned on me that he had invited me to play a number of times, and I had declined each time, even though it wasn’t going to be punishment.

We talked about it some, and during the time he was here we did a bit of light playing, briefly, but it was enough to warm me up to the idea again.  I’m really hoping we find some time to play this weekend, as he’s promised me a really lovely scene if I’m good all week (which I am making my very best effort to accomplish).  I’m also hoping he might chain me to his bed by my collar one of these nights, as it’s sort of one of my pet fantasies.

Our current contract comes up for re-negotiation and renewal at the beginning of February, and it will be interesting to see what we decide to change, if anything.

That evening he took me out for dinner, and then we rented some movies (Serenity and Twilight, for those who are interested).  We spent Thursday together as well, minus a few hours I spent at work.  I got a little spoiled having him here, and when the alarm went off on Friday morning, I think I almost convinced him to just quite his job and stay with me.  Fortunately he had just enough willpower to disentangle himself from me and get some clothes on before I could pull him back to bed.

Which brings me ’round to the sleep sharing situation over here.  You may have noticed that Aiden spends quite a lot of time at our house.  In fact the basement bedroom has now come to be called “Aiden’s room” and his toothbrush has taken up permanent residence in the basement bathroom.  He leaves clothes here regularly, and my children have staked claim to his PS3 which has been set up in our living room since September.

Since we’re not yet prepared to start explaining relationship dynamics of this kind to our children, the sleeping situation presented an issue at first.  I didn’t want to have to give up sharing a bed with Aiden, just because he happens to be here more than I am at his house.  At the same time, Jack feels like it’s too soon for the kids to find out I spend every other night in the basement instead of in my own room.  The solution that we’ve come up with so far, is that depending on schedules, I spend more or less half the night in each bed, which sounds ridiculous and probably won’t work long-term, but for now it’s ok.

When Aiden has to leave for work in the early morning (around 4am) then I go to bed with him and when he leaves for work I get up as well and return to my own bed with Jack.  If Aiden doesn’t have to work in the morning sometimes I will set my alarm for 6am and then sneak upstairs before the children wake up.  Jack generally stays up later than Aiden does, so other nights I will go to bed with Aiden and cuddle with him until Jack is ready to go to bed.  It sounds kind of complicated, but we just sort of work it out as we go along, just like everything else.

During the initial round of collar-related negotiations Jack expressed discomfort with the idea of me wearing my collar all the time.  As such, Aiden made sure that Jack would also have access to a key for said collar, so that he could remove it as he wished, since I am never to remove it myself.  Quite surprisingly, after seeing it on, he’s decided that he likes it, and so it will only be removed when I am either going through airport security or on the rare occasion when he is taking me out on a date and simply wishes me to wear one of the necklaces he’s bought for me over the years.  I’m really, really grateful for how understanding and accommodating Jack has been through all of this.  He’s amazing, and I hope that he knows how much I appreciate him.

The first night that I wore my new collar to bed, it was kind of weird and mildly uncomfortable, but since then I never notice it at night.  The weight of it reminds me that it’s there during the day, but not constantly.  When I wore it to work on Thursday I was slightly conscientious of it, although nobody inquired about it.  I know that it’s only a matter of time before someone asks about it, but that doesn’t really bother me.

While the actual wearing of it has become normal, the agreements that I am bound to have not.  I struggle, a lot, and I’ve been punished a fair number of times already.  I forget to ask permission to do things, I speak disrespectfully at times, I fail to do the things that I am told.  Aiden has been generally forgiving, since he understands that this is a huge adjustment for me, but at the same time, he knows that I will never learn if he is too lenient.  He expects that I will be defiant, and disobedient, and rebellious, although not forever.  I know that there will always be a bratty streak in me, and that I will never be perfect, but hopefully with time and patience I will become close to it.  So far I can manage “fairly good” for short periods of time, LOL.

Giving up so much control isn’t something I am used to, nor do I find it comfortable.  I’m not the naturally submissive type, and I like being able to make my own decisions.  Everything from my exercise habits, to what time I go to bed are no longer up to me.  When Aiden is here I have to ask permission to leave the room.  Freedom to do anything without asking has become a privilege that I have to earn back, when I can prove to him that I can consistently follow directions and do as I am told.

Aiden has given me permission to share our contract and rules on the blog here, so I will hopefully add that, perhaps as a page of it’s own for easy referral, in the next few days.

For now I’d better get going, as I have a lot of chores to get done and if I don’t, I won’t be able to sit for a week.

Rather than go into a long and complicated explanation I will refer you here, to a page on D/s dynamics, and here, which is for those of you not familiar with BDSM in general.

For the past month or so, he and I have been negotiating something a little more serious than simply being play partners who also happen to be in a romantic relationship with each other.  I don’t remember exactly how it began, but I think he asked me if I’d ever considered being collared, which is essentially when a Dominant claims a submissive for their own, and that submissive more or less becomes property of the Dominant.  Commonly a collar is given to the submissive, as a mark of said ownership (hence the term collared or collaring).  The agreement surrounding the collaring is unique to each couple/group.  Sometimes the agreement is formalized in the form of a written contract.

Due to the nature of our arrangement the negotiation process has been a little longer and more involved for us.  The contract is currently in it’s third draft, and Jack has been involved in the process the entire time, as his feelings in this are perhaps the most important of all.

Today the collar itself arrived, after much anticipation on my part.  Aiden and I couldn’t come to an agreement on a collar, so I get my choice for ‘everyday wear’ which is this gorgeous circle of steel, care of House Of Collars.

Eventually he will also choose a second collar, more to his taste, that will be for me to wear to events and when he just feels like parading me around in something flashy.

Neither of us are entering into this lightly, and I feel like we’ve both reflected a great deal on what we are getting into.  The initial contract is going to be valid for a term of no longer than three months, during which we shall ‘work out the kinks’ (pardon the pun, LOL) and figure out where our balance is, and what works for us and what doesn’t.  After the three months has ended, we will re-negotiate and decide if we are ready for something a little more long-term, or if perhaps the ‘trial period’ needs to be extended.

The paper journal that I’ve mentioned writing in is part of our D/s dynamic.  I’m generally better at organizing my thoughts on paper, and I know sometimes Doms require their subs to keep a journal as a means of more open communication, which I suggested to Aiden.  He liked the idea, and though there aren’t a ton of entries yet, I feel like it is and will be a good method of sharing my thoughts with him, particularly when I can’t really talk to him because he’s at work or I’m away, etc.

While I’ve identified as kinky since I was 18, and I really enjoy playing and the dynamics of casual power exchange, I have no experience with being a “full-time submissive” or in our case, as close to full-time as is mutually agreeable to everyone.  I’m not accustomed to rules, or to having to ask permission for anything, or letting someone else make decisions for me on a regular basis.  It’s going to be a massive adjustment, and I have no doubt that I’m going to struggle, and make a lot of mistakes, and probably get angry and pissed off and frustrated as well.  I hold no delusions that we are going to live happily ever after in kinky bliss.  D/s relationships, like any other kind, require dedication, hard work, patience, and a good sense of humor.  At the same time, the rewards are worth it, and as bull-headed and terribly stubborn as I am, there is a desire in there somewhere to submit myself to the will of another, even though I’ll probably fight it, a lot.  Fortunately Aiden is prepared for that.

I’m sure the best and the worst of this new chapter will make it onto the blog.  I feel satisfied that I have, and continue to be, forthcoming about the struggles and the successes of our poly relationships, and I would like to share in a similar way when it comes to this new dynamic we are about to experience.  With Aiden’s permission I may share a copy of our contract here, and perhaps some of the entries from my journal along the way, if I feel like they would be of interest.

If BDSM and D/s relationships aren’t really your thing, worry not, there will still be lots of regular goodness around here too.

I got on the wrong one, but at least going the right direction, and took it to the next stop.  I figured out which train I needed then and caught the right one on my second attempt.  The skytrain ride was good.  I drank my coffee, sent some pictures to Aiden, and watched people getting on and off at various stops.  Eventually I got to where I was headed and waited at the station for padme and Master Anakin to pick me up.  I was a little nervous as we hadn’t seen each other in over a year, and also I wanted to make a good impression with Master Anakin.

I only had to wait a short time before they arrived and padme and I exchanged hugs, loaded my stuff into the back, and then off we went to the mall.  Padme had an appointment to get her makeup done in preparation for Rascal’s that evening, and so after Master Anakin dropped us off at the mall we visited for a few minutes before she had to go to her appointment, and then I wandered around the shops while I waited.  I came across a Body Mods kiosk, which is my absolute favorite place ever to buy body jewelry (even though I don’t currently have any piercings).  I looked at some of their captive bead rings for Aiden’s PA piercing because he mentioned wanting to go up a gauge.  The sales girl and I dug through three different boxes worth before I picked out a black ring that I felt would be the appropriate size, and what I thought was the right gauge.  Unfortunately as it turns out his current ring is NOT a 14g, but a 10g, which is what I bought, and so he really needs an 8g.  Irritating.  Anyone need a 10g captive bead ring?

After her appointment padme looked even lovelier than normal  She and Master Anakin took me back to their house for a bit before we headed out to do a little sight-seeing.  They surprised me by taking me to the Harbor Center, which is a tall tower in downtown that overlooks Stanley Park and the city, and the ocean, and the mountains.  It wasn’t the clearest day, but it didn’t matter, the view was beautiful.

Every time I am back out west I really enjoy seeing the mountains again. You have no idea how badly I miss living close to them.

We didn’t linger too long in the tower, as they wanted to take me to see Stanley Park while we still had daylight. Master Anakin drove us over to the sea wall and although it had started raining the leaves were still beautiful and the city looked kind of charming through all the mist.

After we’d driven through the park and seen everything we wanted to see, we went to a different part of the city where we planned to do a little shopping and have dinner. It really started coming down while we were walking up and down the street. Eventually we escaped the rain inside a sushi restaurant for dinner. The food was excellent and we all had a really good time eating and talking. We laughed a lot too.

After we were all full and happy, we skipped next door to The Cupcake Store, which padme and I were very excited about. I got myself a red velvet cupcake, which is my favorite kind, and had it boxed up to eat later on. We dashed through the rain and back to the car. Padme wanted to take me to Little Sisters, which is an adult store, before we went to Rascal’s. Let me tell you that Master Anakin is an excellent driver in the city. Driving in Vancouver seems a lot like driving in Toronto. It’s kind of an extreme sport unto itself, and even worse in the horrendous rain that was pouring down. The streets were like lakes and there were people running through water that was deeper than their shoes, it was kind of funny actually.

We browsed through the things at Little Sisters, and I saw about 20 books that I want to buy (of course) and some neat toys as well. They had quite a few BDSM toys there, and I was happy that Aiden wasn’t with me because I found the most horrible looking paddle, made out of a lexan-type material. It was really long and narrow with those holes that reduce wind resistance. I was almost compelled to call yellow just standing there looking at it.

It was getting close to time for Rascal’s so we dodged rain drops on our way back to the car and jumped in. Fortunately as we were driving we either got out of the rain or it stopped, because by the time we got to the appointed place, it had stopped.

We were a little early, so we waited outside and then in the entrance until we were allowed inside. They sure do an amazing job of decorating for Halloween there! It was really awesome I was super impressed!

The three of us found a table and then padme and I dashed off to the bathroom to get changed into our outfits. I was wearing a pink bob wig that she had bought for me to go with my pink tutu. Plus I had on a black top and stiletto heels. I wasn’t dressed AS anything specific, but I don’t think that matters. I also wore a leather collar that locks closed, at Aiden’s request, so that nobody would pester me about playing with them. We hadn’t really clearly negotiated my playing with others, but he did express discomfort with anything of the sexual nature, so I thought it best to stick to the safe side.

Padme looked really cute and sexy in her goth schoolgirl outfit. She and Master Anakin are so cute and sweet together. It’s completely clear to anyone who has spent any time with them how very in love they are with each other, even after almost 13 years together, and it’s inspiring to see

I was able to meet some of padme’s friends in the community, and we all had a drink together and checked out everyone else’s outfits and costumes. There was a vendor there selling some really nice looking toys, and Master Anakin bought one for padme as a birthday gift. It’s a small paddle with leather on one side and some sort of textured rubber on the other side. Apparently it’s quite stingy!

Eventually the two of them went to play, which I was so hoping they would, since I can certainly relate to not having sitting that often and wanting to take advantage of kid-free time. I chatted with one of the people I’d met that evening, and we watched a lot of the scenes and discussed BDSM in terms of the differences between communities from city to city. Rascal’s reminded me a lot of the play parties I’d been to here.

One scene was particularly beautiful to me. I won’t go into details, as it’s not mine to share, but at the end the Dom was sitting in a chair and she was knelt between his knees with her head against his stomach and he was holding her in his arms and stroking her hair. It was just a really special moment for them and I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse. That’s what it’s all about, if I had to sum up why I like this lifestyle with one image, it would be something like that. Then he made her lick his boots and that was pretty awesome too

Padme and Master Anakin played for quite a while, and from where I was it looked like she got quite a beating! Boy was her ass red when they eventually came back to the table!

We all sat and chatted some more, and watched some of the other people playing. Padme was busy telling me the names of people she knew, or that I might have heard her make reference to. It was nice to be able to put a few faces to names.

Eventually she begged Master Anakin to play a little more, and they set up on a spanking bench only a few feet from our table. I have to tell you, they play way heavier than anything I’ve ever done, and it was fascinating to watch. They were both clearly enjoying themselves though!

Once they were finally finished, we lingered a little longer, enjoying the atmosphere and then finally decided it was time to head home.

When we got back to their house we took some photos of our costumes and ate our cupcakes. NOM! Master Anakin had offered earlier to take the couch so that padme and I could sleep in their bed, but after their intense scene I thought it would be more polite to let him have his own bed. I also felt like I wanted to do some writing in my paper journal before I went to sleep, and I didn’t want to keep padme awake or seem rude. After they were upstairs in bed I scratched out a few pages of thoughts on the party that evening, and then fell asleep on the couch, which was very comfortable.

As an aside, it is funny to me in hindsight that I felt super comfortable around Master Anakin, even though I’d never met him before. I didn’t feel the least bit awkward walking around the house in just panties and a tank top (hopefully that didn’t make him feel awkward either). It’s just interesting how well I feel I know him after being best friends with his wife for so long and hearing so much about him, and talking online and on the phone a few times over the years.

Sunday morning came bright and early! Master Anakin made us some of the most delicious eggs I’ve ever eaten, and padme enjoyed a rare treat of not having to cook. It was just lovely sitting around the table having breakfast and coffee with them. One of my favorite moments of the trip really.

We all got cleaned up and dressed and I packed up my things. They wanted to take me to White Rock Beach before dropping me off at the airport that afternoon. The drive there was really nice, and just as I had wished, it was the one beautiful sunny day I had there. The whole time I had been saying that “I don’t care if it rains the whole time, as long as it’s nice on Sunday” because I really wanted to enjoy the beach. It was even warm enough to wear just a t-shirt.

They took me down to the pier and I looked out on the ocean. Even though I’d seen it other times on my trip, this was the first time I was close to it. “You know I haven’t seen the ocean in 10 years” I mentioned as we walked along. I actually hadn’t even realised that until just then. It made me sad in a way, because I love the ocean, I always have, and yet I rarely ever get to see it. Someday I’m going to live next to it though, it’s on my list.

Near the pier were a pair of seagulls, and one of them (the brown one) was really squawking and kept swimming in front of the other one and getting in his face and biting/pecking him. We watched them for a minute and then I said “Look, she’s hassling him, HA HA. Hmmm, reminds me of another brat I know” and I shot a meaningful look at padme. We all laughed at that, and padme gave me a hard time about getting her in trouble with Master Anakin a few times recently.

We took tons of photos. Master Anakin even snapped a picture of me taking a picture, which is so funny to me. He also took a picture of me the day before sending a photo to Aiden on my cell phone, LOL. I really appreciated that actually because I’m usually always the one holding the camera, so I hardly ever have photos of myself.

He took pictures of padme and I together at the pier. Then we went down to the beach and strolled along. They helped me collect shells and pretty rocks to take home with me.

529. Collect sea shells on the beach

It was a really wonderful time, and I never wanted it to end. I think I would be at the beach all the time if I lived closer. There is something so calming about the air and the waves.

After our walk on the beach we went for fish n chips at a place right there by the pier. The food was excellent, and we had a great conversation over our lunch. I knew it was getting closer to when I had to go, and as much as I missed Jack and Aiden and the kids, I was very sad to be leaving. I love Vancouver, I wish I could have stayed longer, but had my favorite people there too. Maybe some other time.

When we arrived at the airport some time later, they came in with me and we had a coffee together and watched the planes landing and taking off. Padme and I were both a little quieter, and the mood was a little sadder. Eventually they needed to go pick up their kiddos and I needed to get to my gate. We hugged goodbye, and I thanked them both profusely for their hospitality, and that was that. I went through security without issue and found my departure area. It seemed unreal that I was leaving when in many ways it felt like I’d only just gotten there. I missed padme and my siblings already, and it was painful to go.

The flight home was nice enough. I did some reading, worked on some writing for Aiden, and napped a little. When I landed in Toronto, I was glad that my luggage came down quickly. Aiden was waiting for me at the gate, although he had his back to the door, so I was able to sneak up and pinch his bum before he realized I was there.

It was so much colder in Toronto! I told him about my trip during the drive to my house, and then we talked about what he’d gotten up to over the weekend. I was happy to see him again, and I couldn’t wait to see Jack and the kids and my hounds.

I had such a good time on my trip, and I hope I don’t have to wait long to get back to Vancouver and the mountains and the ocean.

The 24 Inch Deluxe Leather Riding Crop (also known around here as ‘the long-tip crop’) is, as you may have guessed, not really intended for use on horses.  Except perhaps of the human variety, but that’s a topic for another post  It is built differently than a standard crop, in that the tip is long and narrowish.  This, in my opinion, covers more area on impact.

This particular toy is made my Spartacus (one of my favorites for BDSM toys) and features an attractive handle and an extremely well-made leather tip.  It seems a bit shorter than most standard crops, just due to the length of the end, but it’s actually longer than many.

Crops are generally known for their sting, and this one is no exception.  It can be used quite gently, but as you can see from the photographs, Deja was really not that interested in being ‘gentle’.  Please note that the bruising is caused by the crop while the scratch marks were care of her lovely nails.

We had a good time testing this crop, and believe me, she could have inflicted more serious bruising with it.  This is Deja’s idea of a ‘light’ scene, LOL  I feel like this toy is likely to cause more bruising than a standard crop due to the shape and length of the tip, but we have yet to do a more detailed study.  Perhaps in a follow-up post

If you’re into stingy, or perhaps just have a thing about riding crops, you will probably really enjoy this toy.  I know I did!

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Details and photos of the trip are pending, but I don’t have the time or inclination to upload the pictures and relate all of the stories just now.  Needless to say it was an excellent trip.  I got to spend time with my brothers and sister, and with one of my best friends in the whole world, the lovely padme, and her husband Master Anakin.

I miss the ocean already.  I hadn’t seen it in 10 years, which seems crazy to me now.  Walking on the beach and breathing in that salt air was one of my favorite parts of the trip.

All the time spent on planes and in airports gave me an excellent opportunity to catch up on some reading, and writing.  Aiden and I are working out the final details of our D/s contract (more on that to come, I promise).  There is also a paper journal I’ve taken to keeping, and Aiden asked me to do a bit of writing for him on why I want him to collar me (more on that too).  I managed to finish Viola Johnson’s book: To Love, To Obey, To Serve which was just amazing.  I have a borrowed copy, but I’m adding it to my want-list of books.  Flying is truly one of my favorite things, and even though I forgot my iPod and headphones, I hardly noticed between writing words and reading them.

While I was in Vancouver I had the pleasure of attending a play party, my first outside of SW Ontario, and got the opportunity to observe a completely separate ‘scene’ than the one I’m accustomed to.  That was fascinating, although the similarities are greater than the differences.  I will perhaps have more to say on the subject after the upcoming play party I’m attending with Aiden this Sunday.

This week is going to be incredibly busy, as I have chores to catch up on, tasks to complete for both of the men in my life, and then obligations to kids and dogs and friends as well.  On top of it all, I’m getting back to the pool, and to the gym.  In two hours I should be half-way through my first length of the pool, after rounding up my swim gear this morning.  If I have any complaints about swimming it’s that I have some of my best ideas while I’m paddling away through the water, and yet I forget a lot of them since I can’t write them down.  It’s the perfect time for thinking, as it’s a very solitary sort of activity, and doesn’t require much brain effort.  When I find a way to take notes while doing it, I will have nothing to gripe about, LOL.

A box of 3000 aluminum rings should be arriving on Friday, because I needed another hobby and Aiden wants some new chainmail.  I’m sure photos of the process and eventually the finished project will find their way onto the blog.  By the time I’m done I should be able to add yet another skill to my list of semi-useless talents, HA HA.

Thus far the IUD hasn’t given me much trouble.  I had some very light spotting while I was out on the coast, but nothing significant.  I’ve also noticed had a few acne outbreaks, which I am not usually prone to, and that is slightly annoying, but not unbearable.  I haven’t had any depression or changes in mood, which is the greatest relief of all.  It’s been almost three weeks since I had it inserted, so I expect if I were going to get depressed, it would have happened by now, as normally I am quite sensitive to shifts in hormones, and notice changes in my feelings within a week.

Jack and I decided to put it to the test this morning and he came inside me for the first time in over five years.  It was pretty hot, and hopefully that little bit of plastic does what it’s supposed to do.

So that’s a bit of a condensed update on my recent activities, and a few teasers regarding upcoming posts  I have a lot of writing to catch up on, LOL, for now I’m off to the pool!

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Once we were back at his place he set about attaching the new pieces of chain to his bed (I just handed him stuff) and then ordered me to strip.  I did as I was told, and then laid there cooperatively while he cuffed my wrists and ankles.  I only struggled a little while he clipped them to the chains (in my defence he was also biting me just then).  After he was satisfied that I wasn’t going anywhere he surprised me with a package of clothespins.  Oh goody.  He also got out the Wartenberg wheel, which I’d tossed into my toolbox without much thought, AND THEN foolishly told him “You can have that one, I have two”.  Unfortunately it’s one of his most favorite toys.

He spent well over an hour attaching clothespins to various parts of me, gauging my reaction to having them pinch skin in different areas.  Usually he would illicit at least a sharp intake of breath, if not a wriggle, or a yelp.  Just when a particular pin would begin to burn so badly that I began contemplating calling yellow, he would move it somewhere else.  The blood rushing back into the formerly compressed bits of flesh was more painful than the application.  He took great delight in flicking the ends of the clothespins while they were latched on to my sensitive areas.  I’m sure he was enjoyed all the gasping and whimpering I did.  He used the wheel to make me squirm and pull against the chains.

Eventually he removed all of the pins, one by one, very slowly, taking his time.  When he was finished I could only lay there for some moments, panting and feeling utterly lightheaded.  After he unchained me I had a quick shower and we got ourselves sorted out in preparation for going to the greyhound kennel, as I was due to volunteer that evening and he agreed to go along with me and help out with the dogs.

It was quite a drive, but I don’t mind long stretches in the car, and it gives one plenty of time for talking.  We arrived at the kennel a little early, as there are currently twice as many dogs than I usually deal with, so I wanted extra time to get them all outside and back in and bedded down for the night.

It was deafening walking in there with 40+ dogs barking like mad.  Aiden and I were both wishing that we’d brought earplugs, but we got to it and eventually they mostly quieted down.  Aiden isn’t nearly as animal-crazy as I am, but he had to admit that some of the hounds were really cute, and that he’d take one home if he could.

We let the dogs out in 2′s, and cleaned cages and picked up bowls and replaced blankets while they did their thing in the yard.  I had mostly asked him to come with me because I enjoy the company, and I wasn’t really expecting/demanding that he help me, but he did anyway.  It was good to have help, as it would have likely taken me three hours to do it all myself.  We were there over two hours as it was, and by the time we finished it was dark out.

Since my place was sort of on the way, we decided to stop in and say hi to Jack, so that he and Aiden could meet.  We hung out for a while, I made hamburgers since all of us were feeling peckish.  It seemed to go pretty well, even though neither of them were particularly talkative.  Eventually Jack decided that he was exhausted and wanted to get some sleep.  Aiden and I bid him a goodnight and drove back to his place.  It was somewhere around 3am or so by the time we got into bed.  I set my alarm and then fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke up a few minutes before my alarm in the morning.  This seems to have become a regular thing for me.  I set my alarm and my internal clock wakes me just before it goes off.  Aiden was still sleeping, so I shut off my phone before it went off and then snuggled up against him again.  An hour later we finally got up and had a shower together, but not before I sort of ‘accidentally’ left two rather large hickeys on his neck.  Mostly because I knew that his friends would tease him about it, and he’d already sentenced me to at least a week of not wearing any tank tops due to the bite marks.

He made me eggs for breakfast and we cuddled on his couch for a while after.  Then he decided we should go visit his mum and dad, who live very nearby.  As I mentioned in this post, I’ve never been introduced to the parents of any of my poly partners before, so I was kind of angsty over the idea.  Still, I was really quite excited that Aiden wanted me to meet them.  He asked me if I would mind taking off my wedding band, at least for the first meeting, so that he didn’t have to get into an explanation just then.  I didn’t mind, as I understand how it is with parents, and I’d rather not be around for that conversation when he eventually tells them the truth.

His parents are really nice people.  I especially like his mum.  We had coffee, and she gave us chocolate cake, NOM.  I did notice her looking at his neck a couple of times when we first got there, which made me cringe a little, but she didn’t say anything.

Aiden didn’t act any differently towards me at his parents either.  When we sat down in the living room he put his arm around me.  His mom and I ganged up on him a little and gave him a rough time, playfully of course.  When we got talking about some renovations he wants to do in his place and I volunteered to bring my tile saw and help him out, she seemed pleased.  I wanted to make a good impression, and I feel like I did.

We stayed and visited for a couple of hours, and then Aiden said he wanted to make me dinner but that we needed to go grocery shopping first.  His mum gave me a hug when we left, which is usually a good sign, and then off we went to do some shopping.

After picking up supplies for dinner we went back to his place and got started.  I don’t usually like cooking in other people’s kitchens, but it was fun.  It was also dinner time for his corn snake, who was waiting impatiently for his dead rats.  I really like reptiles so Aiden let me hold him while he gave his cage a quick cleaning and then he had his dinner.  Maybe I’ll have to actually remember to take a picture of him next time I’m there, he’s really pretty, even though I saw him just before a shed, so his colors were kind of dull.

After we’d finished our dinner, which turned out very tasty, I said that I should probably get ready to go.  Then I nibbled on his ear which apparently meant for him to push me into his bed and bite me all over, LOL.  Eventually, although very reluctantly, I managed to escape and he walked me out to the Nitro.

I talked to him later that evening online, to let him know that I’d made it home ok.

“My mom just called 5 minutes ago.  You’ll never guess what she wanted, LOL”

“Do tell!”

“To tell me that she thought you were pretty awesome.  She was like ‘That girl is cool.  She’s independent, and personable, and she does housework!‘ LOL”

So, go me!  Apparently she also told him that he should keep me, which hopefully he will, at least for the foreseeable future

All in all it was a really great weekend, and it was a nice break after the chaos of our trip and the beginning of a new school year.

Last night Aiden came out for the kink much and afterwards helped me cross something off of my list:

330. Have sex in the back of our Nitro

That story, however, will have to wait for another day.

I recently celebrated turning 27 years old.  Inching ever closer to 30 is kind of frightening.  I’ll admit that I’m kind of attached to my 20′s.  My birthday was really lovely though.  My kids started back to school, and Aiden drove down to spend the day with me.  I was so happy to see him.  I missed him a lot while I was gone.  We had coffee together, followed by cuddling, and more lascivious things (read: he fucked me senseless).

He left for work shortly before I had to pick up the kids from school and do a little grocery shopping.  I decided to make my own birthday dinner because we’d eaten out so much on our trip, and I was tired of restaurants.  We had steak, lobster, scallops sauteed with butter and bacon, and grilled peppers.  It was fantastic.  Then there was chocolate cake, and as per my request, Jack and the kids didn’t buy me anything.  I’m already taking a trip to Vancouver in October and I’m a little stressed about money (my job screwed me up the ass without lube this month) so I didn’t want him spending any more on me.

After the kids were in bed, Jack and I opened a bottle of wine and had a nice evening together.  Perfect way to spend a birthday if you ask me.  Seeing my three best friends is the only way it could have been better, but I’ll take what I can get (and I’ll be seeing each of them sometime in the foreseeable future anyway).

As per our little ‘bet’, Aiden spent the long weekend with me.  Or rather I spent it with him, since I stayed at his place.  We had originally talked about going camping, but I wasn’t particularly inspired to pack AGAIN.  Having just arrived home from a long trip, I wanted to do something cheap, easy, that involved snuggling, and maybe nudity.

On Friday evening Jack and I took the kids to see the President’s Choice Superdogs at The Ex.  It was a great show!  The kids loved it, and the dogs were awesome.  My son wants to train our greys to be Superdogs, but somehow I just can’t see those couch potatoes catching a frisbee or jumping over things, LOL.

I was thinking of leaving for Aiden’s late that evening, as he wasn’t going to be home from work until nearly 1am anyway, but we were delayed getting home and I had to do a load of laundry and throw my gear in a bag before I was ready to leave.  I started getting things rounded up, and had a shower, and then realised I was way too tired to drive all that way.  Aiden called around then and asked what time I thought I might show up, so I told him I wasn’t sure, but that I would be there before 9am for sure.  He said he’d leave his door unlocked and to let myself in.

It was around 2am, and I set my alarm for 6am and then cuddled up with Jack to catch a few winks.  I got up 4 hours later, grabbed my clothes, and my toolbox full of toys, picked up a coffee and off I went.  The sun was just coming up while I drove the hour and 10 minutes to Aiden’s.  I’d never been there before, so I was pretty nervous, but I found my way just fine.  It feels kind of wrong letting yourself into someone else’s house so early in the morning, when you’ve never been there before.  I hoped that he’d warned his roommate that I was coming over.

He was still in bed, half-asleep, when I came in.  I stripped off and climbed in beside him and we cuddled up together.  We lay there talking for a while, and I think at some point we got up for a bit, but we ended up back in bed and had a nap until early afternoon.

Feeling more rested, he took me out to the country to meet one of his friends who has horses, because he knows I used to ride and thought that she and I would get along well (which we did).  We sat in her garden and visited, and then she showed us her horses, and I got to scritch some ears and stroke velvety noses.  She took us to see her bees and her sunflowers.  It was hot and humid, a gorgeous day for being outdoors.

Aiden didn’t act all weird when we were there either.  I wondered if he would be standoffish, or if we were pretending to be “just friends”.  He still held my hand, and put his arms around me, and didn’t treat me any differently than he does when it’s just he and I.  Maybe it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it made me extremely happy, because I hate having to watch everything I say or do when I’m with someone.  The rules seem to change constantly and I usually end up slipping and then having to back up, or try to explain.  It’s bad enough I have to keep so much from my family, I’d rather not have to be on my guard constantly around friends, even though I understand why it’s necessary for some people.

I really liked Aiden’s friend, and she invited he and I to her birthday party in December, which was quite flattering, since she’s only just met me.  We probably could have hung out there all afternoon, but neither of us had eaten and we wanted to catch a movie that evening, so we thanked her for having us and drove back to town to find something for lunch.

Before the movie that evening we made a stop at Home Depot to get some lengths of chain and some quick links.  It took a while to track someone down to help us, but eventually not one, not two, but three male employees showed up to cut us some chain.  They were all older gentlemen, and there was some joking around regarding what we were going to use the chain for.  We didn’t actually tell them, but perhaps they drew their own conclusions.  I mean how many people buy four pieces of chain in rather short lengths?

We made it to the theater just in time to catch the last showing of The Time Traveler’s Wife.  I haven’t read the book, and I haven’t even seen a preview, so I had no idea what it was about, but I had heard good things.  No spoilers, since it was amazing, and I want all of you to see it if you get a chance.  Aiden and I both totally loved it.  We agreed that it’s one of those movies that you want to see again immediately.  Had we gone earlier I think we would have entertained the idea of staying to see it a second time, it was that awesome.

Back at his place afterwards, he had me strip down and stretch out on his bed, where he poured oil on my back and gave me a thorough massage.  It was wonderful, he’s so good to me.  Once I was sufficiently relaxed and mellow he began pouring hot wax, a little at a time, down the length of my back and over my bum.  I squirmed a good deal (good thing he was sitting on me) and yelped a few times.  It was really erotic, and I was cursing my uterus just then, because OF COURSE my period had to arrive just before the long weekend, which put my girl parts out of commission the entire time.  Insert sighs of frustration here.

After he’d finished decorating me with wax, he scraped off as much as he could, and then sent me to the shower to finish cleaning up.  We curled up in bed and talked some and kissed some and groped each other plenty before falling asleep.

The rest of the weekend will have to wait, as I already feel like I’m leaving out a lot of good stuff and this post will be 10,000 words long if I try to fit it all in.  I also need to go for a bike ride today, on top of tidying.  Kink much tonight with Aiden and a newbie friend of his, so I’d better get my slightly bruised ass in gear before the whole day is gone!

While I ended up having to cancel my date with Kade on Saturday night, I did get to spend almost nine hours with Aiden on Friday night.

He arrived at my place just in time for us to head over to the drive-in theatre, to watch the new Harry Potter movie together. We’d been planning out movie date for a week, and in the days leading up to this outing, somehow we ended up making a little wager with each other. I think it started when he was threatening to tease me during our date (which he did!) and then I said something about how he could tease all he wanted but he’d never make me beg.

Well apparently that became a personal challenge. After some friendly back-and-forth about it, he insisted that he could indeed induce me to begging, while I maintained that he couldn’t possibly manage it. To make it even more interesting, we agreed that if I won, I got to have him for the September long weekend, for whatever purposes I wanted. If he won, I would have to play sexy maid at his apartment, followed by 69ing (which I don’t hate, I just fine it terribly distracting). Yes, I know that either way neither of us was really going to ‘lose’ per sae, but it was all in fun anyway.

We made it to the drive-in and found a spot. I’d pulled all but the front seats out of my van and then filled the back with blankets and a giant pillow. We got some popcorn at the snack bar and Aiden got a green slurpie (green is apparently his favourite flavour, as he nearly throttled me over a green sucker at Tease). I had initially parked with the front of the vehicle facing the screen, and then about 20 minutes into the movie I started thinking “This is stupid because we can’t cuddle and what was the purpose of all that stuff in the back?” So I turned around, we opened the back hatch of the van, and curled up together under the blankets.

I really enjoyed the cuddling and stroking and nuzzling. The movie was ok (no spoilers, I promise) but I think after having read the books, watching the movies are always going to be something of a let-down. They added things that weren’t even in the book, and removed some parts that I felt were kind of important to the story. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either.

As the credits rolled we started making out, and then there was debate about staying for the second movie (The Hangover). We decided that we probably weren’t going to actually watch the movie anyway, so we left and headed back to my place. Jack and the kids and the dogs were already in bed, so we were on our own. We grabbed coffee (he’s an addict like I am) at Tim’s and then quietly let ourselves in. Rather than heading straight to the spare room in the basement (which Jack and I have decided will now serve as a ‘dungeon’ of sorts) we cuddled on the couch together and talked and made jokes and generally enjoyed each other’s company. I think we stayed there for nearly two hours, even though time seems to pass so quickly when I’m with him. I teased him about losing the bet, even though I know he didn’t even try. He felt like he should let me actually watch the movie, and the prospect of spending the long weekend with me is apparently rather appealing.

At around 2am we headed down to the basement, which I’d made sure to get set up earlier that day. The bed frame down there is lovely for bondage, and it’s far enough from the rest of the bedrooms (on the second floor) that sound doesn’t carry upstairs.

I stretched out on the bed, while he looked over the toys I’d laid out. After he’d fastened on my cuffs, he stripped me naked and then tested out a few of the toys on my rear and back. I’d selected mostly toys I like, but I put in a few that I love to hate as well, just to make it interesting.

Before he really got down to it, he clipped my cuffs to the quick-links I’d set up for that very purpose, and then ran his hands down the length of my body. I think at some point near the beginning he bit me a couple of times, hard enough to leave purple bruises on my skin in the days after. I inhaled sharply every time I felt his teeth on me. There’s something so raw and primal about it.

After that everything gets fuzzy. We played for over an hour. He cropped, paddled, flogged, strapped, spanked, and whipped me. I know at one point he was holding onto the back of my neck while he was working on my upper body, and even though he was just making sure that he didn’t hit me too high, I really loved the sensation of being held down like that. Yum!

He also had a lot of fun with the wheel, which is one of those things that I hate, but that some part of me seems to want to play with anyway. He seemed particularly pleased when he could get me to wriggle around excessively. It was a really wonderful scene. While I’ve played with more experienced Tops (he’s still really new) I don’t usually get to play with anyone that I have an intimate relationship with, which for me adds A LOT to the experience. BDSM is like foreplay for me. While I can do a scene with someone casually, that I’m not involved with emotionally or sexually, I don’t enjoy it the same way. His inexperience didn’t show at any rate, and I thoroughly enjoyed all aspects of the scene, particularly when he would fuck with me a little by rubbing my backside with one toy and then hitting me with another. Every time he rattled that horrid little wheel I would get all twitchy. At one point I thought perhaps he was taking off his belt to smack me with it, but no such luck! I don’t think he knows about my little fetish for belts…

By the time he rolled me onto my back to play with my front side, I was totally subbed out. He remarked later that he’d asked me a couple of questions during the scene and I hadn’t responded. Generally I have a difficult time talking, and even when someone asks me what color I am (referring to the green/yellow/red safeword system) they normally have to repeat the question. My brain loses the power to form words unless I’m being prodded for an answer.

While I was laying on my back he stripped off his own clothes, followed by kissing and more biting (God bless that man). He nibbled the insides of my thighs and then blew cool breath over my girl bits, which were slick from being turned on for sooooo long. I thought he was going to lick me, but I think he was determined to torture me at least a little bit. Such a cruel tease!

Then he flipped me back onto my front, or more specifically onto my hands and knees, and pushed his cock into my pussy. One of my favourite positions ever, because it lends itself so well to hair pulling (which he did, much to my delight) and biting and being held down by the back of my neck. Mmmmmmm.

Let me tell you, that man makes some hot noises while he’s giving it to a girl. You all know how I dislike it when a guy is too quiet, or worst of all silent! Every time he groaned into my ear I got tingly. So, so hot.

We must have kept at it for ages.  Eventually he came, grunting above me, before we collapsed together on the bed.

“I should go soon” he said sleepily, while I curled up against him.

Instead we ended up spooning and dozing for an hour, before his watch began beeping at around 5am.  Reluctantly we got up, he got dressed, I wrapped myself up in a blanket, and we drug ourselves upstairs.

We said goodbye, I told him to drive safely, and then we kissed before he left.  I went up to bed and crawled in with Jack, just as the sun was waking up. 

It’s too bad that I didn’t get to see him again before we left, but I’m so glad that we got to hang out that night.  Plus I have the September long weekend to look forward to.  I have a whole month to scheme up plans for what I’m going to do with him

Saturday at Tease was a mix of awesome and not so awesome.  First thing in the morning my period decided to make an appearance four days early.  Oh hooray, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it, which meant I had to drive to the nearest town to obtain supplies.

Unfortunately, my van had a flat.  Not sure how that happened, but I was thinking “For christ sake!  Could things get any more annoying today?”

A very kind stranger changed my tire for me, although it took some doing.  I was able to find my way into town, and to a drug store.  It was kind of weird being back in normal society after being completely immersed in kink for a couple of days.  I found myself wishing that I had reconsidered my choice of outfit (which consisted of a tank top and a shirt that just barely covered my rear end).  To late to turn back however!  I slunk in and out of there as fast as possible.

On the way out of town I grabbed a coffee from Tim’s and finally felt as though karma wasn’t trying to punish me for being a deviant.

That afternoon Deja generously offered to do a casting of my breasts.  As it was on my list, and the great outdoors is really the ideal situation in which to do it, due to the mess, I eagerly agreed.  The worst part was having to keep still after she’d begun applying wet, plaster-soaked strips to my front side.  The results were interesting, and it was a lot of fun, although it required a long shower afterwards to scrub off all of that plaster.

418. Have a part of my body casted

Once I was clean again, Aiden and I took in a workshop on Old Guard Leather, followed by dinner, and then the Dom/sub auction.  I hadn’t planned on bidding at all, and I mostly went to watch, but towards the end of the evening a rope suspension was up for grabs, and it’s on my list, so I bid.  Fortunately, nobody else seemed keen to purchase the services of the rigger in question, so I won!  It turned out to be the best $11 I ever spent

After the auction a group of us headed back to our camp site, where there was drumming.  Fortunately I had remembered to bring my drum, and so I spent the remainder of the evening by the fire playing.  It was already rather late by this time.  Aiden had gone off with the person who purchased him in the auction, and so after bidding everyone else good night, I headed to bed.  Sometime not long after Aiden crawled into bed as well, although I hardly remember if we talked because I was half-asleep.  It was my last night at Tease, so I wanted to be well-rested for Sunday.

Prior to Tease I’d been going through a long stretch of being generally disinterested in BDSM.  In fact I enquired into selling my Tease spot a few weeks beforehand, because I just didn’t think I was in the right mindset to go.  I’m glad that it was too late to transfer my place to someone else, because Tease was just what I needed to remind me that I need kink in my life, at least to some extent.  I’m thankful that I didn’t sell all of my gear the week before, like I had planned to (although I didn’t take any toys with me).  I’m especially glad that I ran into Aiden there, and that we hit it off as well as we did, and that he kept me company.

I wanted to pack up my stuff fairly early on Sunday, so as to be able to relax in the afternoon.  I had to leave by 7:30 that evening in order to make it to the greyhound kennel and fulfill my volunteering duties there, on my way home.  Aiden went to check out some workshops that I wasn’t really interested in, and I gathered up my gear and took down my tent. By the time I was finished afternoon had creeped up on me.

Arrangements for my suspension scene were made, and then Aiden and I met up for a History of Kink workshop that was really interesting.  If you ever have the opportunity to hear Viola Johnson speak, DO IT.  She’s absolutely fabulous.  I could literally listen to her talk all day long.

Following the workshop I had a shower and began mentally preparing for the suspension.  I’d heard that ‘rope space’ is different than the sub space brought on by other forms of play, so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

The process of creating a rope harness for the suspension took about 30-45 minutes by my estimation.  I really enjoyed the sensation of the rough hemp rope against my skin.  I’d never experienced such constrictive bondage (the rope has to be rather snug, for obvious reasons) and I loved ever minute of it.

The getting off the ground part was good for a giggle.  It’s a little unnerving lifting both feet of the ground and trusting that you are not going to fall.  I was suspended with my back to the ground, in a horizontal position.  Nothing fancy for my first time around, for good reason, as many people apparently decide they want to be let down again within 5 minutes.  Not me, however.  I stayed suspended for 45 minutes, and even then, the only reason I had to come down was that I needed time to load all of my stuff before leaving.

I can tell you that the sensation of being suspended like that is amazing.  The rope was tight, but not uncomfortable.  It’s a strange but wonderful feeling. Naturally some of my camp mates were unable to resist the lure of a naked girl, just hanging there, practically BEGGING to be tickled or pinched.  I did not object to their efforts, although there was some squealing and wriggling helplessly on my part.

I loved rope space.  I didn’t fully understand the attraction to rope before I had a chance to experience it for myself, and now I just hope that I can meet someone willing to do that to me on a regular basis.  When I finally set my feet on solid ground again I was wobbly.  I held onto the suspension ring until I felt more steady, and then I was able to sit down for a few moments until I was certain I could stand up without falling over.

It only took 10 minutes or so for the removal of all that rope.  Aiden came over and let me lean on him after I was completely untied, which I appreciated, as I still felt kind of out of it.

461. Try suspension bondage

After getting myself together and putting some clothes on I said goodbye to Aiden, who had to leave just then himself, and then gulped down some supper.  The rest of my camp mates went to the closing ceremonies while I tossed all of my camping gear into my van and headed for the dog kennels.

I don’t generally experience ‘sub drop’ after a scene, but Tease was different.  It was like spending 4 days in a different world.  A world where nobody judges you, and you’re free to do as you please, and to be so completely yourself.  It was painful to leave.  Going to the kennel gets to me at the best of times (but at the same time I love going there) but on that night I think I cried most of the time I was there.  I was alone, which was nice, so I just allowed myself to be emotional.

The days that followed Tease were kind of a blur.  I know I felt ‘off’ and I don’t think I felt properly rested until nearly the end of last week.  Despite the weirdness afterwards, I had such a good time at Tease I can’t imagine not going again next year.  This time I hope that Jack might be able to go with me, as I know he would enjoy himself too.

Friday morning at Tease dawned bright and early.  Fortunately my sore throat was nearly gone, so I was geared up and ready to go.

Most of the morning was spent watching the BDSM games, the Fox Hunt, and the Pony Games.  I won’t get into details, as I don’t want to violate the confidentiality agreement, but it was fantastic.  I think I might like very much to try pony play sometime.  I remember pretending to be a horse with my friends when we were all young and horse-crazy, and having raised horses myself for years, I know a good deal about training and behaviour.  Plus I think I’d make a very pretty pony girl

In the early afternoon I ran into a friend of mine who had just arrived.  We mainly stuck together for the rest of the day, wandering around camp, meeting new people.  Towards evening we sat down around the fire and shot the shit with some of the other campers.  As I still wasn’t feeling so hot I was debating heading to bed early when my friend (who needs a name…I think I’ll call him Aiden) and I were invited to do a scene.  Part of me really didn’t want to get naked in the chilly evening air, but the other part of me wanted to play.  You can guess which side won out

Aiden and I were cuffed together at the wrist, standing side by side, but facing opposite directions.  Then we were chained to trees by our other wrists.  It was really hot being tied to a tree like that, and it was my first scene with another bottom, which was a lot of fun.

273. Try outdoor bondage

There was a point when I was acting most unsubmissively, and one of the people I was playing with grabbed me by the throat.  Normally that is a very hard limit for me (for reasons that I don’t feel like sharing here) and about two seconds in, part of my brain was screaming “RED!  RED!” but I didn’t call the safeword.  Instead I reminded myself that I was completely safe, with people who care about me.  I was able to work past the initial fear, and then completely dropped into subspace, which was such an incredible experience.  It’s impossible to put into words what a HUGE moment that was for me.  It was the first time I think I’ve ever let anyone put their hands around my neck, aside from Jack.  It’s normally a rather serious trigger for me, and I still can’t believe that I didn’t totally freak out, but I’m so proud of myself for staying in the moment and not letting the past ruin something so wonderful.

The person in question, by the way, had no idea that it was a limit for me.  He would have never grabbed me like that had he known it could potentially upset me.

The scene was over far too soon, and after we’d had finished, we had a soak in the hot tub before bed. Since I had already grown tired of sleeping alone, I invited Aiden to sleep in my tent (in his own sleeping bag of course) and he accepted.

At first we lay awake talking for a while.  Then there was tickling and giggling and thrashing around (not sure how that got started) which led to stroking and petting.  For a moment I considered putting on the brakes, since you all know how weird I sometimes get when it comes to casual sex, but I didn’t want to say no, and what he was doing to my nipples felt soooooooo good.  I was still on an adrenalin high from the earlier scene and I’ll be honest, I just really wanted to get fucked.

The foreplay was just what I needed.  He licked and sucked my nipples while he rubbed my clit, and I’m sure I came in under ten minutes (I dunno, it could have been longer, my sense of time was not so good just then).  I’ve found that as I age, and the more orgasms I have, the longer they seem to last.  They’ve become stretched out, coming in waves rather than one short burst.  I have after-shocks now that may continue making me twitch in ecstasy for several minutes beyond the orgasm itself.  It’s quite fantastic really.

Once I’d caught my breath, still basking in the after-glow, I began ernestly stroking his cock.  He has a PA piercing, the first I’ve had a chance to play with.  He seemed to enjoy having the ring played with.  When he was good and hard I suggested we fuck, and after rounding up a condom, we were off to the races.

Unfortunately due to the required condom, I have no idea if a PA piercing does anything for me during intercourse, but the sex was really good at any rate.  Aiden is almost impossibly slender, and quite a bit taller than me, and I recall feeling his hip bones pressing into the backsides of my thighs while he thrust into me.  I also remember my hands on his shoulder blades and the way his muscles moved under my fingers.  It was hot.

After he’d come, to my memory, we fell asleep almost immediately.  At least I did.  It was far less lonely, and much easier to sleep, with another person in the bed.

The aches remaining from the fun I had serve as a nice reminder.  When I brush the outside of my thighs, the sore spots remind me of the rough hemp rope that was wrapped tightly around me.  The bruises on my back remind me of being chained between two trees.  The tan line left by my watch remind me of lounging in the sun naked or topless for hours.  I miss the freedom I found at camp.  It’s one of the few places where you can be completely yourself, and nobody judges you at all.

I arrived at camp late on Wednesday night, despite the fact that I had a sore throat, and had entertained thoughts of not going at all.  I set up our tent, which is larger than many apartments I’ve seen, and unpacked only what I needed for that night (bed, sleeping bags, etc) and made myself a cup of hot chocolate on the camp stove before crawling into bed.  It was the first time I’d ever gone camping alone.  I felt a little lonely, so I messaged Jack and Kade from the phone and they kept me company until I was ready to fall asleep.  Such sweet men I have in my life

46. Camp in a tent by myself for (at least) 1 night

Thursday morning came very early. I know I didn’t sleep well, and I still felt rather ill, but I drug myself up and spent the better part of the day getting the remainder of my things unloaded and set up. Next time I go I think I would like to arrive several days in advance so that I wouldn’t have to spend so much of the first day working out where things are going to go and how I’m going to organise camp.

473. Go to Tease

The other campers on my site arrived and we caught up on each others lives (I’ve been sort of laying low recently, and so they wanted to know what I’d been up to). It was wonderful seeing so many friends. I wandered around camp and ran into many familiar faces. I saw Varick there, which wasn’t a surprise, as I knew he would be attending. We said one “Hey” to each other the whole time I was there, and otherwise pretty much stayed away from each other. I noticed he avoided our camp area, despite the fact that I was camping with a good number of our mutual friends.

As I still had a rather sore throat, I took it easy on Thursday. I napped, hung around the camp fire, visited, and then went to bed early with another cup of hot chocolate. I chatted with Kade and Jack again before falling asleep, because it’s hard being sick with no one around to look after you.

Fortunately by Friday morning I was beginning to feel much better. The details from that day, which turned out to be very exciting, will have to wait until my next post.

Now, I know a lot of you did not like those daily Twitter digest posts that I was doing some months back, BUT I’ve decided to turn them on again for this week, while I’m at Tease.  That way I can blog about my experiences there, via Twitter, and then anyone who is interested can see what I’m up to.  That said, the Twitter Tools I use has now given me some extra options, such as excluding my @ replies to other people, so you won’t see one side of big long conversations between me and someone else.  You will only see standard Tweets about what I am doing at camp.

I also want to do this for my own benefit, as I expect I will forget at least SOME of the details after the week is over, and if I can Tweet regularly, I will be able to use those as reference for more substantial posts about my experience once I return.

The daily digests will be turned off again after Tease is over.  I only plan to use the Twitter digest feature for events such as this (for example, when we [hopefully] move back to Alberta in August and I may not have access to a computer regularly).

That aside, I have plenty of packing to get done!  I hope everyone enjoys my Twitter posts from Tease, but if not, you only have to put up with them until early next week.

It was really nice to meet some new people, and visit with current friends over eggs and coffee.  Deja was at the brunch and she asked me if I was planning to check out the Hamilton Sexapalooza later that afternoon, as she was volunteering in the Dungeon and needed a ‘stunt bottom’ for some demos.  I actually hadn’t planned on attending, due to the fact that Jack and I haven’t been able to spend much time together as of late and I thought it might be rude of me to run off for most of Saturday to do my own thing.

Still, the lure of being played on was tough to resist.  After consulting with him regarding his feelings on the matter, and his insistence that I should go, I agreed.  After we bid everyone at the brunch a good afternoon we stopped by my place so that I could grab some more suitable attire, and also toss a few toys in my toolbox.

We arrived at the convention center and made our way to the Dungeon area.  Admission is free for volunteers, which was a lovely perk.  There were a lot of familiar faces in the Dungeon, and many had not been able to make it to brunch, so I especially enjoyed being able to spend a little time with them.

Deja did some violet wand demonstrations on a few curious attendees, while I stood by and assisted.  I answered questions from people in the crowd and showed off some of the toys that we had on hand for those who were interested.

During a slow traffic period Deja and I took a stroll around the rest of the show and browsed some of the other booths.  It was pretty small, as compared to Toronto or Calgary, with pretty much the same offerings.  Nothing new under the sun when it comes to sex, but then again, I’m probably just hard to impress

Eventually we played.  I was topless, belly-down on a spanking bench, with my short leather skirt leaving little to the imagination.  She cropped the hell out of my back, followed by some light and then intense flogging.  It wasn’t really an intense scene for us, but any stretch, but I feel that we put on a good show.  After the flogging there was more use of the crop, and then she asked to use the violet wand on me, and I consented, even though it makes me squirm.

Naturally as soon as she began using it people started to line up to give it a try on their hands or arms.  This is what it’s all about at the show, so I didn’t mind.  I slipped back into my clothes and helped her to tidy things up once the mob had moved on.  Even though we didn’t play that hard my back bore a number of long and narrow welts, which have darked into purple and blue bruises in the days since.

As late afternoon crept into evening I decided that I’d better head on home.  I said goodbye to Deja and a few others before making my exit, toolbox in hand.

“I need a toy-box like that” one vendor exclaimed as I walked past.  I smiled over my shoulder and replied “Yes it’s very handy, and it holds a lot!”  Even though it’s just a large standard toolbox, I’ve decorated it with sexy stickers to make it a little more fun.  It’s certainly handy for lugging all my crap around to play parties and the like.

The remainder of my weekend was fairly quiet and relaxed.

On Monday I found a message in my mailbox at a favorite dating site, from someone I hadn’t talked to before.  I clicked on his profile and almost shot coffee out of my nose at the shock I received when I saw the photo.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone who looked so much like K.  It was astounding really.  They could practically be the same person, although after a closer look, and discussion about said photo with both Jack and V, we’ve come to the conclusion that this guy is better looking.

At any rate, once the alarm had passed, I read over his page and was again alarmed to read that he’s still a virgin.  These days, at 23 years old (he’s younger than K as well) that’s a bit of an oddity, and so after reading his profile several more times I began to put the pieces together.

Acute Social Anxiety.

Oh Lawdy!  Just what I need, another truckload of damaged goods.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am certainly not putting down persons who suffer from anxiety disorders.  I have a number of friends who all struggle with varying degrees of anxiety, and I love them all to pieces.  I’ve learned much from each of them, and I would never dream of making light of this sort of condition.

Friends are one thing, but dating someone who seems to be dealing with a lot of personal demons is another.  Do I really want to go there, again, after I’ve already had my passport to that relationship region stamped a few times?  Collected the key chains and shot glasses, bought the proverbial t-shirt.

All that innocence though, just waiting to be corrupted, to be lead down the garden path and into the depths of depravity.

Oh how I want to be the one to do it.

We’ve spoken quite a bit since the initial message.  His brand of angst has thus far prevented him from so much as kissing a person of the opposite sex.  HE’S NEVER KISSED A GIRL!

My Confliction, Let Me Show It To You.

Can you see why I’m torn?  On one hand he seems genuinely sweet thus far.  He’s also attractive and funny, and innocent and just begging to be dirtied up a bit.  On the other hand, he’s the first to admit that he’s still working through a lot of his anxiety, and he’d younger, and I swore to myself that I would avoid the wee bebes.

I’m pretty sure he’s already become interested in me.  For some reason I seem to have a way with the little lost puppies of the world.  I feel as though should I put in any effort whatsoever I wouldn’t have much trouble wooing him right into bed with me.  The question is, should I do that or not?

Please advise!

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

The Handy Slapper, provided by Babeland, is a 2-in-1 toy with all sorts of sadistic potential.  It’s fairly small in size, which is something I always consider when it comes to toys that I pack around with me to events.  I really don’t want to be hauling one of my regular toy boxes around with me, so I have to be choosy about what I take in my travel toy kit, and so toys that are small but effective are most appreciated.

The handy slapper is made out of two layers of stiff latigo leather that have been riveted together.  This particular kind of design creates a heavier product, and the dual layers will generate an enticing sound when they come into contact with something, like your backside.  Noisy is one word for it, but I quite enjoy the sharp smacking it makes as it falls.

A devious addition to this slapper is the handle, which it so much like the end of a quirt, I feel as though I own two of them now.  Jack finds this feature quite fantastic, particularly for eliciting yelps of pain from yours truly, while he uses it on my breasts and nipples.  It seems to be just the right length and weight for such methods of torture.

I would describe both ends as rather stingy, although the handle end more so, for obvious reasons.  The sensations are not really the same, although they are both sharp and cover only a small area, as opposed to something broader, like a paddle.  The diminutive size lends itself well to applications that a larger slapper would be unsuitable for.  Breast and nipples, as mentioned above, as well as cock and ball torture, the insides of thighs, the bottoms of feet, and the pussy area of course.  Any place where you want to…ahem, make an impact while still retaining enough control over your implement to land exactly on target.  On the other hand, this would not be my tool of choice for prolonged wailing on someones ass or back.  Other toys will achieve quite the same effect with far less effort.

Overall, we really liked this toy.  It’s heavy enough to withstand years of use, and I was pleased with the craftsmanship.  I would rate it as a medium to heavy toy, in terms of intensity.

To keep all of your leather in good condition, or if it requires cleaning (toys that are used for impact play, and come into contact with fluids, particularly blood, should be cleaned after use) I would recommend a soft sponge, and some saddle soap (which is available at tack stores or online).  Follow the directions on the bottle, allow the leather to thoroughly air dry, and then oil it with a leather preservative (also available at tack stores and online).  Please note that most BDSM gear is unfinished leather, so take that into account when you look for advice on cleaning and stain removal.

This Product Receives:

I attended a local kink munch this week, which is the only community type thing I’ve done since the last one a month ago.  I feel out of touch with that part of my life at the moment, but I’m planning to get involved again.  There is a play party coming up in April and I think I’ve convinced Jack to go with me.

During the munch I was talking to an acquaintance of mine who owns a dungeon in an adjoining city, and he made me a proposition I’ve been giving some consideration ever since.  I don’t want to say much about it yet, since I don’t want to jinx it and I’m not even certain it’ll all work out anyway, but if it comes to fruition you will be the first to know.  I’m going to have to dredge out my BDSM books at any rate, and take in some workshops over the next couple of months, to brush up my Domme skills

I’m scrambling to catch up on reviews, although I should let you know that I’m planning to be away for a couple of weeks this month.  I’ve decided to take advantage of my current disinterest in being online, and I’m setting out to cross thing 241. Go two weeks without using a computer off of the list.  The two week hiatus will occur from March 16th to March 30th, which I chose because for part of that time I’ll be in Vegas anyway, and don’t plan to take my computer along, as mentioned above.  This weekend I intend to write and cue a number of posts which well self-publish during my absence.  I will also continue to Twitter, and I’ll be occasionally checking e-mail from my phone.  Once I’m back from Vegas the two weeks will be up and I can share details and photos from my trip!

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder