Aiden has moved out, and now I divide my time between his place and what now feels like Jack’s house.  My schedule generally involves work, picking up the kids from school, doing homework with them, making them supper, eventually tucking them in, and then going to Aiden’s to make my lunch for the following day, throw in some laundry, take a shower, and then head to bed.  Weekends are a little less repetitive, but we haven’t yet worked out a rotation of who-has-the-kids.

I changed positions at work, and moved into a full-time spot (I was part-time previously).  Aiden is no longer my supervisor, which is perhaps for the best.  I think I will really like my new department, and my new supervisor is extremely trusting in my ability to get things done with minimal input from himself, which I like.  Full-time also means more money in the bank, which is important now that I actually have to support myself for the first time in almost a decade.

It’s terrifying and hard and depressing, but it’s also sort of liberating and satisfying at the same time.  When Jack and I were first together I struggled with feeling like I didn’t really contribute because I didn’t work or pay the bills.  I was resentful, off and on, of giving up any hopes of a career while raising younglings.  Yes, I worked some over the years, and for a while I had that same liberated, satisfied feeling.

It’s strange and sometimes uncomfortable to have to operate within a rather restricted budget (hopefully only for the time being, until better employment comes along for either Aiden or myself).  I became accustomed to a rather cushy lifestyle, and although I still retain ownership over a vast number of objects, I no longer enjoy the luxury of things like eating out, purchasing clothing or other extras on a whim, or driving hither and yon with no thought to how much gas I might be burning.

While there are times when it’s difficult and aggravating, I’ve also come to appreciate the finer things in life in a way I haven’t in many years.  When I *do* get to eat out, I don’t take it for granted.  I make more conscious choices when it comes to where I spend my grocery money (which is not only beneficial to my wallet, but my waistline).  I don’t waste money on frivolous items that serve no real purpose.  I’ve learned better methods of managing money, keeping a written budget, and saving for things I want rather than just buying them immediately.  It certainly ensures that I prioritize.

I read an article sometime ago regarding ones satisfaction level when something, like a vacation, had to be scrimped and saved for, rather than paid for with little to no impact to ones finances.  Apparently many people report feeling a greater sense of enjoyment and satisfaction when their trip had to be earned and planned for over a period of time, as opposed to those who could afford to travel on a whim.  I have no idea if that’s true for everyone, but I am beginning to understand what they meant.  I’ve only been living on a reduced budget for a month and some, but my perspective is changing.

Jack and I continue to struggle with relating to each other, and keeping things civil.  It seems as though we rotate between good days, bad days, and days when I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.  Our trust in each other has been eroded to the point where neither of us feel that we can put much stock in the other.  I hope that changes with time.  It’s difficult to endure what I perceive as his intense dislike for me, and I am certain it is just as difficult for him.  There are times when I look at him, and I’m not even certain that I know him at all.

Separation changes people.

We’ve become bitter and filled with resentment and anger.  There are times when we have been so truly ugly towards each other, I’m not sure I recognize either of us anymore.  I’ve been cruel and malicious in ways that I wouldn’t dream of inflicting on my worst enemy, let alone a man that I once loved more than anything.  It never begins that way, but it seems as though when conflict arrives, rather than acting as sensible adults, we are reduced to rabid, snarling animals.

I want so badly for us to be able to work together, for the benefit of our children, who are totally innocent in all of this.  I hope that we can come to some sort of understanding, and move forward in a more positive way.

For the time being, it feels dangerous to hope for anything beyond good days eventually outnumbering the bad ones.

I don’t think that I have it in me to continue tweeting, and now that I’ve been away from it for over a week, there is no real draw to return.

As for this blog, I don’t think that I will take it down, although the domain comes up for renewal in May and I am not yet entirely sure if I can afford to keep it going.  I suspect that I shall renew it for another year, and then see if I use it before letting it expire.

The content herein could still prove useful to some, and so rather than allowing it to vanish into oblivion, I shall likely export it to a free host (WordPress) and then leave it be.

I don’t know, maybe I will take it up again.  Right now it seems pointless due to the fact that I feel uncomfortable writing about my feelings for fear of inciting conflict over here in my “real life”.  Things are extremely sensitive in this house, as Jack and I struggle to discuss and compromise with each other and avoid all of the venom and spite that leaks out with unfortunate regularity.

Just to give a brief update, last night Aiden put down a damage deposit and paid his first month’s rent on his own place.  He will be moving out over the first part of March.

Today Jack is going to visit his family and tell them what is going on.  My family will likely have to wait until next weekend as I am working full time these days in order to pay all of my own bills, and I don’t get a lot of days off.

I already came out to my aunt, who is my closest family member.  Apparently she already suspected, as do my parents, that we have some sort of an open relationship.  She was surprisingly calm and extremely supportive, although I could tell that she was struggling some with the reality of the situation.  It was weird but also liberating to just be honest about everything.  I am not sure that it’s the best course of action when it comes to my mum and dad, but it’s rather nice that at least one more person knows the facts of the matter.

At any rate, I may continue to update sporadically, or as time and consideration for others allow.  I really do wish that I could share more, but for now it’s better not to.

It saddens me just to type it, and I toiled with the idea of saying anything here at all, due to the fear that someone will feel blamed or painted as the villain.  However, I promised myself that I would do what I could to detail our relationship as it went along, and although I know I haven’t done that to the fullest extent possible, this happens to be rather pivotal.

When it comes right down to it, Jack came to feel that he and Aiden could no longer live under the same roof.  The reasons for that are…complicated, and I am reluctant to comment on them, as we are all rather wounded and I don’t care to rub salt on anyone.

It feels like a massive personal failure, but I must remind myself that failure is subjective, and that perhaps all of this is the catalyst for something greater.  We made a good go of it, and now we are moving forward in a different direction.

What will become of us, you might wonder?

Thus far the plan is that Aiden will have three more months with us, during which he will be able to save up to get his own apartment.  At that time he will move out, and I will spend half of my time at his place, and half of my time here with Jack, and the children will also spend time at each residence.

Unfortunately, it has been left entirely up to me as to how I divide my time.  This task becomes daunting in the face of taking on more hours at my job, and while attempting to keep everyone involved happy.  I say it’s unfortunate only in that it feels as though the happiness of three different people rests on my shoulders alone, which is a heavy burden to bear.

The future is murky.  I don’t consider this any indication that poly is unmanageable, only that for the three of us, co-habitation is (at present) not agreeable for all those involved.

I will admit that I am struggling with feelings of resentment, and anger, and pain.  Some of them are not caused by the current circumstances, but simply aggravated by it.  Like opening up old wounds, to bleed along with the new.  In attempting to contain them, it would seem that I am simply becoming cool, withdrawn, and emotionally disinterested.  That sucks, but it’s the way I roll at the moment.

There could be more on this, maybe once I feel less raw, but for now we are simply picking up the pieces and attempting to rearrange them in a way that is more satisfactory for everyone.

This is the first Christmas we’ve had in Alberta where we were not traveling on Christmas Day.  You have no idea what a relief and a stress that is, all at the same time.  I’m glad we don’t have to pack up the kids and the dogs and the whole nine yards and trek across the country side to either of our parents houses.  I’m glad I don’t have to be party to the inevitable tension or exasperation that comes from forcing two dozen people to partake in a family get-together when half of them don’t seem to want to be there.  I’m slightly stressed at having to cook Christmas dinner (not that I haven’t done just that the years we were in Ontario) but that is par for the course around here.  I’m so happy that all five of us get to be under one roof for Christmas.  I’m happy that we are having X and one of Aiden’s co-workers over for dinner, both of whom would otherwise be alone on Christmas.

That’s really what it’s about, you know.  We have plenty, and there is ALWAYS room for one more at the table.  It’s a good feeling to be able to celebrate in a way that I feel really reflects the spirit of the season.  I also got to play sneaky secret Santa this year for someone who is having a rough time lately.  I didn’t get their special care package mailed off quite in time for it to arrive before Christmas Day, but hopefully it will be a pleasant surprise in the days between now and New Years Eve.  They have no idea it’s coming, but it’s filled with a number of nice things that I thought would bring some cheer, and also remind the recipient that there are people who care about them.

Tonight we are going to The Festival Of Lights as a family, and then coming home to open our Christmas Eve gift (which is always new pajamas).  My mum admitted to starting the pj’s on Christmas Eve tradition so that we would all look nice for the Christmas morning photos, but I think it’s sweet, and so we continue it every year here in Chez Gibson.  Then we shall bundle the younglings off to bed, so that Santa can visit.

I’ve gotten a ton of baking done, and given out pretty boxes filled with goodies to friends.  We have plenty of treats for Christmas dinner tomorrow.  Today I am hoping *fingers crossed* that I can make fudge on snow with the kids and the guys.  That is another old family tradition of ours, but I haven’t made fudge in many years, so it seems a bit daunting.  I am sure it will be wonderful though (I will try to remember to take some photos).

I’m off to pick up a few last minute groceries for tomorrow, but I hope all of you have Happy Holidays, however you chose to celebrate (or not).  I likely won’t have much time for posting between now and January 1st, as we will be preparing for our big luau party, but I hope to get a lot more writing done in 2011.  Hopefully it will be less chaotic, but more on that later.

Have a wonderful weekend!

My denial of the season comes not from my usual distaste for the entire over-commercialized mess that is December, but from the fact that I have been utterly and completely distracted by matters completely unrelated to the holidays.

Fortunately, even though I didn’t feel the least bit “Christmas-sy” until yesterday, I still managed to get almost all of my Christmas shopping done.  I only have a couple of items left to pick up, and I will be officially finished, without any of that yucky panic that kicks in around December 22nd.  I’m done all of the major items, and have only a number of stocking stuffers to fetch, and not due to procrastination on my part, but rather lack of a convenient time to do so.

Over the weekend Aiden and I made a quick dash to Edmonton to visit his brother and sister-in-law, and to drop off their gifts.  They are unable to join us for Christmas day this year due to work schedules and so we wanted to see them before the month was out and available weekends were slim.  We returned on Saturday afternoon, so that I could make it to my pole dancing class, which was difficult but fun.

On Sunday we put up the tree, listened to Christmas songs, and played board games as a family until it was time for bed.  I put together a bunch of appies and snack food and we all sat around the kitchen table playing Monopoly and Munchkin, and laughing and talking.  It was really wonderful.  I’m totally enjoying the stress-free holidays.

This week we have Christmas pageants to attend and gifts to get wrapped, but there seems to be no hurry to any of it.  I plan to do some baking, and give some as gifts, and send some to work with the guys.  On Christmas Eve there will be games and snacks and watching of favorite holiday movies.  We are having a small, quiet family Christmas Day, probably just the five of us.  We will have a big, fancy brunch after we open gifts, and then spend the afternoon playing with all of our new treasures and being together.  There will be turkey and wine and more food that we can possibly eat.

We plan to go to my parents house on Boxing Day, stay overnight, drop the kids off with Jack’s parents, and then come home and begin the wind-up for NYE.  We are hosting a luau party and hope to have many of our friends attend.  I haven’t hosted a big house party in ages, so I am really looking forward to going all-out and throwing a fantastic soiree!  I’m going to have a chocolate fountain with tons of fruit, coconut shrimp with pina colada dipping sauce, a dry-ice volcano, and some traditional Hawaiian luau foods.  Everyone has been asked to wear Hawaiian attire, and we are working on some games and other entertainment to go with the theme.  It’s going to be great.

I’m feeling so pleased about Christmas this year.  It’s going to be a really nice, laid-back, and relaxing one.  I’ve had enough stress for one year, so I’m happy that 2010 is going out on such a good note.

The past 12 months have seen Aiden move in with us and become a part of our family.  Then there was another move of epic proportions, taking all five of us, and the two dogs, over 2,000 miles back across the country.  Back to Calgary and to all of our friends and family here.

There has been much joy, laughter, and so, SO much love.  There has also been pain and stress and tears and moments where it felt as though we were going to rip each other to shreds.  Yes, there is always some darkness, but mostly there has been intense happiness.

I’ve renewed friendships, and made a couple of new ones.  I’ve crossed at least a dozen items from my Life List, pushed myself to the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and grown as a person. I’ve found myself, lost myself, and found myself again.

Recently I applied for University in Calgary.  I haven’t been a student in over a decade, but the prospect of returning to school is thrilling and terrifying all at once.  My return to school (and increased absence from home) is liable to rock the boat in a significant way, but we shan’t have to deal with that until well into next year.  I know that we shall pull together, as we always do, and make it work.

It’s been a year of change, as most of them are, but this one particularly so.  I feel stronger, physically and mentally, than I have in years prior, and that makes the struggle worth it in the end.  I want that trend to continue into the new year.  I want to keep getting better, as a person, and as a partner, and as a mother.

I want to reinvent myself over and over, and come out the better for it.

We recently celebrated Thanksgiving here in Canada, and I had the great pleasure of hosting dinner for a number of friends, including LD, V, P, Aiden’s brother and sister-in-law, and M.  Much food was eaten, wine was drank, and a wonderful time was had by all.  It was the first time I’ve been able to have a bunch of people over in several years, and it felt like old times, everyone sitting around the kitchen table and laughing.

A couple of our pals were hopeful that we would host an epic house party for Halloween, but we are not quite ready for that yet, and instead, I am putting together plans for a huge New Years Eve luau.  We will also be hosting a grand Christmas dinner for anyone who is inclined to join us.

I’ve also been going to the gym and to the pool as often as I can.  Aiden and I both purchased passes to the local rec center, and it’s been really good to start getting back in shape.  V and I also picked up some snowshoes earlier this week, and we have plans to do some winter trekking with Jack, Aiden, and the kids once the snow flies.  Much cheaper than skiing and an excellent workout all in one.

Unfortunately with all of the vanilla projects I’ve had on the go, there hasn’t been much time or inspiration for blogging, but don’t worry, I am not really gone.  There is plenty to write about, it’s just finding the time to write it that seems to be the current glitch.  I’m working very hard to finish unpacking and get the house set up just the way I want it before Christmas time rolls around.  That, along with day to day chores, keeps me very occupied.  I really should try blogging from my phone once in a while, since my free time usually occurs away from the house while I am waiting somewhere for something.  Most of my computer time is spent playing StarCraft II (I know, I cringe a little just typing that.  It seems I’ve become something of a gamer).

Speaking of which, I have a couple of trial passes if anyone is interested, heh.

Mostly we just keep on keepin’ on, in our own bizarre and unconventional way.  Aiden and I are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my collaring, and my 5th blogiversary is right around the corner, so thoughts on both of those things and updates of sorts should be coming down the pipe.

Bear with me during this lull.  Moving always takes a lot out of me, both time and energy wise.  I feel like picking up and transporting everything across the country is sort of like hitting the reset button on life.  It takes a while to fire things back up and get our wits about us again.  Plus there are a ton of demands in terms of social engagements and family obligations, which were mostly absent from life out east.  It’s been interesting adjusting to our former level of insanity after several years of relative quiet on that level.

This too shall pass, and I promise this blog is far from it’s end days.

Often our house feels like a three-ring circus, with children and dogs leaping about, talking or barking at full volume, all four of them competing for attention, and the adults attempting some kind of discussion over top of them.

Yep, no matter where we live or what day it is, we just do the best we can to hold this shit together.

I’ve wanted to write here a number of times, but it feels increasingly public, and while I don’t want to end up posting a bunch of locked entries, it’s supposed to be MY blog after all.  If there are passworded posts, and you do not receive a password, it’s likely that I’ve decided that I’m not ready to share the contents of that particular entry with anyone.  Do feel free to contact me, if you so desire, and I may send out passwords, or some sort of explanation, on a case by case basis.

I’m often glad for my old-fashioned paper journal, as nobody reads it aside from Aiden, and I am free to unleash all of my crazy there without fear of stomping on anyone’s feelings.

Aiden has been working rather long hours at his new job, but we’ve managed to get in a bit of time together during his days off.  This past weekend we made a rush trip to Drumheller, where we camped overnight and checked out the Royal Tyrrell Museum, Reptile World, the Hoodoos, the suspension bridge, and the Last Chance Saloon.  Next time we go, I hope to hike in Horsethief Canyon, which is supposed to be amazing.

This Friday I think we will take in Globalfest, which includes an international fireworks competition.  Germany is, coincidentally, presenting the fireworks display on the evening in question, as seeing as Aiden is half-German, I thought he would enjoy it.  I’ve never actually been to Globalfest before, although K and I went and watched the fireworks from a distance one evening several years back.

Jack and I have also taken advantage of some time to ourselves. One evening recently we went out for a quiet dinner together and had a really great conversation, punctuated by plenty of laughter. We also had the good fortune of spending most of an entire day together, picking out trees and other such foliage for the yard.

The household is still attempting to settle into some semblance of a new routine.  Currently the typical day consists of rising at the unspeakable hour of 3:30am to make breakfast and lunch for Aiden.  After seeing him off to work at 4:30am, I crawl (back) into bed with Jack until 7:30am, when he rises for work.  Coffee and breakfast to go, and he’s out the door around 8:15am.  Then the children and dogs are fed, and I settle in for a day entailing anything from unpacking to making phone calls, to running errands, and whatever else I can get up to.  Aiden arrives home between 2:30pm and 4:30pm (depending on the availability of overtime) and we shower together before I launch into supper preparation.  The evening usually winds down around 8pm, when kids, and often Aiden (and I, if I’m sleeping in his bed) tuck in for the night.

Rinse.  Repeat.

The entire rhyme and rhythm of things will no doubt shift once again, when the rugrats start back to school in only two more weeks.  I can hardly wait!

Don’t get me wrong, I adore the younglings, but every mother can relate to needing a break.  Besides, they are looking forward to making new friends and checking out their new school.  They also have brand-new playground equipment on which to exhaust themselves during recess, a feature sorely lacking at their last educational facility.  I am certain they will be just fine.

This afternoon will be spent preparing the yard for sod, followed by clothes shopping for myself, and then taking Aiden to find himself new work boots.  As much as I usually hate shopping for clothes, in this case, I am sort of looking forward to it, and having a little solo time.

I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m edgier, more easily agitated, noticeably more negative in my attitude.  I don’t feel like I have been handling things, stress in particular, as well as I usually do.  I wish I could figure out why, or where this is coming from.

Aiden has noticed the difference in me, and sadly it’s led to a good amount of friction between he and I.  He keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy, to get the old Shasta back, and I don’t have any good answers for him.  It’s sort of funny that I spent so much time worrying about how he would adapt to living in Alberta, and yet, he seems to be getting along here better than I am.

Maybe I’m just tired.  Tired of moving.  Tired of never living long in one place.  Ontario was the longest we’ve lived in one place in years, and I guess it finally felt like we were settling in somewhere, putting down roots.  Part of me may be mourning that, the loss of what felt like our first real home.

I miss Ontario.  I miss the humidity.  I miss Aiden’s family (his mum in particular) and the friends I had made there.  I miss LARPing, and camping in the gorgeous provincial parks.  I miss the heat and the freedom from my pain-in-the-ass family.  I miss the greyhound kennel.

For some reason I feel like it’s wrong for me to be sad about leaving there.  At least, that seems to be the attitude of everyone here.  Nobody seems to understand why I am sad to have moved.  I love Alberta, but I loved Ontario too.  I wish even one person understood.

Usually I take on a new house with all the enthusiasm of a kid at Christmas.  I’ve painted, stained, and made beautiful in some personal way, ever place we have lived, except for this one.  I can’t bring myself to care enough to paint, something that has already surprised a number of family members and friends.

“I’m surprised you haven’t painted anything yet!” my sister-in-law pointed out, during a recent visit to check out our new digs.

“To be honest, I haven’t the motivation to be bothered” was all I could really say.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE this house.  It’s beautiful.  The kitchen is gorgeous, and more space than I’ve had in ages.  There is more than enough space for everyone.  It’s a perfect fit.  Mind you I probably would have chosen different bedrooms for everyone, now that we’ve lived in it for a month, but too late for that, so I guess we will make do with…less than ideal living arrangements upstairs.

I know I will readjust to living here, and that eventually the exhaustion of moving and the sadness of leaving a place that I really loved will dissipate.  I just hope we don’t have to endure any more serious life changes for some time.

I miss “the old Shasta” too.

Obviously, as we all continue to reside under the same roof, things are working out to some extent.  For the most part actually, we all function very well as a group.  Sometimes we have our moments.  Last night, for example, Aiden had given some instruction to Luke regarding dinner, and Jack, not having heard this exchange, gave a different and opposite instruction.  He hadn’t really intended to undermine Aiden’s authority, but sometimes it happens, so we make our best effort to learn from it and move on.

The children seem to tailor their behavior to fit best with whomever happens to be home at the time.  I think that is rather typical, however, and so I don’t let it keep me up at night.  They are generally pretty good rugrats, and I try not to complain, because I have worked in many environments that involved younglings, and let me tell you, some of them are so horrid that you find yourself entertaining the thought of holding their heads underwater.

Parenting conflicts aside, and the ongoing struggle to balance equal time between the males, we have worked out a fairly amicable rhythm and routine to life.  Often my day begins as the sun is coming up, when Aiden is getting ready for work.  The coffee maker turns itself on at around 5:20am, and we drag ourselves out of bed shortly after.  We talk a little and eat breakfast together, and I make his lunch, and then see him off at the door.  The children, and eventually Jack, decend from upstairs after I’ve spent 30 blessed minutes of time with myself (today it’s being devoted to this post) and then there are more breakfasts to be made, clothes to be laid out and changed into, and lunches to be zipped into backpacks.  The kids and I see Jack off at the door, and sometime later I hustle them out to the van and drive them to school, only to arrive home already feeling that the day is half-spent.  Truthfully by that time I’ve already been awake for over three hours, and the first thing I want to do is sit down with a cup of coffee and collect myself before the day actually begins.  Normally this involves pouring over or creating a vast “To Do” list for the week, which is then broken down into days.  Sometimes if I am feeling particularly scattered, I go so far as to organizing the list for that day into a time-line.

Errands, housework, and other tasks eat up the rest of the morning and early afternoon, until it’s time to fetch the kiddos from school.  Aiden arrives home shortly after we do, and everyone is ravenous, so if I’m really on the ball they all get a snack.  Sometimes I am distracted and just force them to fend for themselves.  Aiden and I talk about our days, while setting the eldest child to his homework.  Often we will take a shower together, and then he will entertain the brood while I wrangle dinner.

Jack never really arrives home at a regular time, but when he does, the kids are eager for his attention.  If we’ve already eaten, he will have his dinner, and if not, we all eat together, and then he talks to the children about their day.

Eventually the kids are bundled off to bed, and the adults heave a collective sigh of relief.  Some nights we watch TV, or Jack completes work-related tasks while Aiden and I talk about LARP, or work on some other project we have going.  Some nights there are outings, for one or two of us, and some nights I have to volunteer at the kennel.  There are almost always deviations in the schedule.  It’s rarely as tidy as I’ve made it out to be.  Often our house feels like a three-ring circus, with children and dogs leaping about, talking or barking at full volume, all four of them competing for attention, and the adults attempting some kind of discussion over top of them.

When it is finally time for bed, I either retire downstairs with Aiden, or upstairs with Jack, depending on the schedule or whatever has been negotiated for that particular night.  There is cuddling and quiet conversation before sleep, and then always-too-few hours of rest before we get up and do it all over again.

And so it goes, the weekends being an entirely different animal, wherein we toss the whole schedule out the window and run about willy-nilly.  Or at least the children do.

It wouldn’t be the ideal way of living for some, or even most, but I secretly love the level of insanity we often maintain.  Time passes so quickly, and I can’t even tell you the last time I was bored.  It was probably years ago.  Life is not always exciting in the ways that I want it to be, and some days I tire of the current state of constant packing, but boring?  Never!  I like it that way, because bored people are boring people, and I never want to be boring.

So far I think I am doing a pretty good job.

I wasn’t whining or making a play at being passive aggressive, I was simply expressing mild frustration at a situation that I’m certain comes up in EVERY relationship. I wasn’t angry with Aiden, since we were both very tired, and I fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

I received the following reply to said Tweet, from my friend ChickPea:

It raised an interesting point, that I don’t believe I have touched on here previously – how it works when one of them isn’t “giving me what I want”.

In this particular instance, I was actually sleeping with Aiden, and Jack was out for dinner with an old friend of his.  However, suppose that Jack had been home, would it have been ok for me to go upstairs and have my way with him before returning to bed with Aiden?

The short answer is: No

Allow me to explain further.

The guys share time with me at nights.  I’ve mentioned before that we currently use a 3-day rotation, more or less (sometimes nights are traded, etc.) and it works out well for everyone.  Time before bed can be divided up depending on the circumstances.  Last night Jack was out, so Aiden and I spent all evening together.  Sometimes Jack and I cuddle on the couch before Aiden and I go to bed together, or out for a date, or whatever.  Tonight, for instance, Jack and I are going to the greyhound rescue to volunteer, and Aiden will be asleep before I even get home.  That, however, is a rarity.  Usually I go to bed at whatever time the person I am sleeping with goes to bed, because often we will talk quietly before falling asleep, and some of our closest quality time occurs as we are snuggled up in bed together.

As sometimes happens in all relationships, sometimes when I go to bed with Jack or Aiden, one or both of us is angry at the other.  Or we argue about something as we are laying in bed.  When that happens, it’s VERY, VERY tempting to say “Fuck You!” and leave the room to sleep with my other partner.

That, however, is something I never allow myself to do.

On rare occasions I have left the room, but in those situations, I opt to sleep on the couch, or in the guest bed.

As much as possible, I do my best to avoid doing anything that uses poly to my unfair advantage.  I don’t think it would be fair to either of the guys if I stormed off and crawled into bed with my other partner.  For one, if the person I ran out on wanted to come and talk to me, they would be unable to do so.  For another, I feel that it sends the message “I don’t really need you, I can always get my needs met somewhere else” which will only breed resentment.  Often I ask myself “If the roles were reversed, how would I wish to be treated?” and that guides many of the choices I make.  I would be very upset if Jack and I had a spat, and he decided to go sleep with P instead, and so I do my best to avoid doing things that I would find hurtful.

The same goes for sex.  Just because I can have sex with Jack, when Aiden isn’t in the mood (or vice versa) that doesn’t mean it’s particularly thoughtful of me to do so.  If we hadn’t been in bed yet, well then it may have been a different story.  Poly is often a complex balancing act, and each situation seems to need individual evaluation before a decision can be made.

Suppose it was later in the evening and the three of us were all in the house, although perhaps not doing the same activity.  In this hypothetical situation, it’s Aiden’s night to sleep with me.  I ask him if he’s interested in going to bed early, so that we can have sex before we go to sleep.  He replies that he is probably far too tired for sex, although he is gentle about it and reassures me that he loves me.  I have two options now.  I can accept that, and go to bed early with him so that he is well-rested and perhaps up for some lovin the following evening, or I can ask him if he minds me having sex with Jack instead (assuming that Jack is up for it).

Why would I have to ask him?  Well I don’t technically *have to* but seeing as he and I will be sleeping together, I would check first, in case he wanted to go to bed immediately, or in case he just wants to cuddle for a while before sleep.  Likewise, when I am sleeping with Jack, I generally try to be thoughtful of him in this capacity as well.

There are also nights when I have the whole evening specifically booked off for one of them, and in that situation, I probably wouldn’t ask if they minded me having sex with the other, because it would just seem terribly rude.  If I have a special “date night” with Jack, I wouldn’t feel right about asking him to give up time with me just so I could have sex with Aiden, even if Jack wasn’t in the mood.

See what I mean about complex?  I get a headache just attempting to explain it.

There are many aspects of our daily lives that do not adhere to any hard and fast rules.  We generally muddle through, making decisions based on what seems like the right thing to do in any given situation.  Much of it is trial and error.  There are plenty of mistakes along the way, but we are all still learning.

Jack, quite touched by my unexpected generosity, offered to let Aiden and I go away overnight this coming weekend, but we have LARP, and I would rather “bank” those overnight opportunities for Alberta, where we can spend a weekend in the mountains.

Having P here has been lovely.  I don’t want to overstep when it comes to how much I share regarding her relationship with Jack, but from what I can tell, things are going really well.  She seems to be settling in for the long-haul, and it’s very apparent that her presence in his life makes Jack very happy.  She and I have a bit of a running joke going about the 12-passenger van we’ll have to buy once Aiden and I, and she and Jack, have children.

It’s been rather interesting living in the basement full-time with Aiden.  My clothes are strewn all over his room, and I’ve only ventured into my own room a couple of times to fetch items that I’d forgotten to bring down prior to P getting here.  The last time I went in there, a couple of days ago, I felt as though I was intruding into someone else’s space.  It was something of an unsettling sensation at first, since it’s my room, and normally I consider it something of a sanctuary, where I can go when I need time to myself.  So I thought about it some, and realized that it’s really just a room, and for that matter, in a couple of months I won’t even live in it anymore.  Kind of silly to get bent out of shape over something so trivial.  I did, however, come to realize that in the next house I will need some sort of space for myself, especially if P does end up moving in, because everyone should have an area of their own, that is just theirs.  Jack, Aiden, and P should also have their own spaces, because the more people that live together, the more difficult it becomes.  This has stirred some ideas regarding how we will divvy up living area in the next house, which I hope to discuss with the rest of the family at the next opportune time.

This week I really must get started on the pre-pack for the move.  I also need to get all of our stuff together for LARP, especially since we are supposed to get rain, UGH!  Wet weather always means packing extra clothes, etc.  Don’t tell Aiden, but I am almost beginning to wish we WERE going away overnight somewhere that didn’t involve camping and re-applying black face paint 45 times, and getting wet in the great outdoors.  I am sure it will be brilliant once we are there, but at the moment, it just isn’t sounding so hot, LOL.

Karma is rarely without a sense of humor.

For the third time since our move to the eastern end of the country, we find ourselves once more at a familiar fork in the road.  To one side there is the promise of a way back to Alberta.  A chance to go “home” to all that is familiar and comfortable and filled with people we love.  To the other, there is continued opportunity here in Ontario.  Staying put, where we have begun to put down roots and build something solid for ourselves.

Why does this keep happening?

The first chance we had was a solid no.  The second chance brought a tentative yes, and then an enthusiastic yes.  That opportunity fell through for reasons related to the economy, and not our unwillingness to relocate.

This time…I don’t know which way to go, and we only have until Monday to pick our destination and let the chips fall where they may.

Third time is the charm?

I’m trying not to let all of the people and things that I miss about Alberta cloud my judgement.  The very notion of being closer to V again makes me want to begin packing immediately.  The mountains, the places where I grew up, my friends…all of it tempts me to decide impulsively, but I have to keep things in perspective.

There will be drawbacks to moving, to be certain.  It won’t be the most stellar career move for Jack.  He won’t make less money, but he won’t have a lot of opportunity for advancement in the department or in the company overall.  He’s only 35 and that seems like sentencing himself to stagnation for the immediate future.

The mechanics of moving kids and dogs and 16 metric tonnes worth of stuff across the country isn’t exactly the most appealing of prospects either.  Our move would be funded by the company, the truck and movers provided for us, but there is still much to do ourselves.

Preparing our current property for sale is a hurdle of considerable proportions.  The very idea of getting it staged for listing makes me shudder with angst.  There is SO MUCH TO BE DONE!

What of Aiden, you might wonder?  He has only just moved in with us, and now we are facing the very real possibility of uprooting and trekking across the country.  Is he willing to come along with us, leaving most of his family and all of his friends behind?

The short answer is yes, he will come with us if this is what we decide to do.  The long answer will wait for a time when it becomes important to the conversation.

I suppose it’s fortunate that we are without elaborate plans for the weekend, as I suspect much of it will be spent pacing, and debating aloud, and drawing up extensive and complicated Pros & Cons lists.  There will be gnashing of teeth.  Oh yes, PLENTY OF GNASHING.  Probably with a side of heavy sighs and exchanged looks of frustration and sadness.

Neither road is perfect, and neither is particularly less traveled.

While I normally harbor an unnatural love of Mondays, on this particular morning I am fighting a sinus/chest infection or something of that nature and so am not as peppy and upbeat as usual.

I did have a lovely weekend, however, and so that makes up for the fact that I’ve run myself somewhat into the ground and therefore am now slightly ill.

On Friday night I had plans to do coffee with my friends G and S (of Horny Geek).  The weather, however, had other ideas and unfortunately I had to cancel due to the roads being awful.  Hopefully we can reschedule for sometime soon, perhaps when the forecast is more agreeable.

Instead I went to bed rather early, read some, and then fell asleep until Aiden got home from work and woke me.  He and I had been at odds all week, as discussed in my previous post, and so we ended up having a bit of a spat and then talked it out late into the night.  After things had been settled out, we made love and then went to sleep for a scant three hours.

He had to work for a bit on Saturday morning, and so after seeing him off I did some writing and then helped Jack and the kiddos shovel out the driveway.  We have had quite a bit of snow recently and it has been perfect for snowballs, hee hee.

When Aiden arrived home shortly after noon, he and I were able to take a nap for a couple of hours, because we were both exhausted due to lack of sleep the night prior.  One of our friends from LARP was celebrating her birthday that night and Aiden wanted to go.  I asked if I could come along too, since she’s really more his friend than mine, although I kind of expected that she assumed he would bring me.  There was some miscommunication between he and I regarding what time he had wanted to leave for the party, and we ended up having another argument, although this time he was the one being stubborn.  Eventually we worked it out and although we left later than he had wanted to, we weren’t late by any stretch.

There was pre-drinking at the apartment of the birthday girl, who needs a name for simplicity sake.  Lets call her Anya.  I already knew all but two of the other guests (through LARP) and Anya seemed quite pleased to see me.  Everyone hung out for a bit and had some drinks before we walked over to a nearby gay bar in The Village.  Aiden and I hadn’t originally planned to spend the night, but it didn’t take much for Anya to convince him that we should just crash at her house.  We drank and danced a little, and just generally had a really great time.  I flirted shamelessly with the only other “straight” guy (and I use that term loosely in this case) in our little group, much to Aiden’s amusement.  He really isn’t my type, but I’m kind of a tease, and it was all in good fun.

When we were thoroughly intoxicated, we walked back to Anya’s, and hung out for a few minutes longer before everyone passed out.  Unfortunately Aiden and I were sleeping on a futon, which proved to be less that comfortable, and so after dozing for around three hours, I woke up and found it almost impossible to get back to sleep.  Aiden woke up shortly there-after and after a bit of whispered discussion, we decided to head home, even though everyone else was still sleeping and we couldn’t really say a proper goodbye.

The drive home seemed long and we were both completely exhausted.  Jack and the kids were already up when we got in, but after tucking Aiden into bed for a nap, Jack came up to our room and laid down with me and we fell back asleep until around noon.

After I got up I went to wake Aiden, as we still had to go over to his former apartment that afternoon to pick up the last of his things.  I crawled into his bed and we cuddled and sort of dozed and then had sex before getting up to shower.  I made brunch for everyone and then he and I headed out.

We moved a couple of pieces of furniture, to be stored at his parents place, and then loaded up the rest of his stuff.  The Olympic hockey game between Canada and the US was in it’s final moments, so we watched the tail-end of it with Aiden’s former roommate and had a coffee with him and his girlfriend who is moving in to the apartment now.  They have only really been dating since early January, so it’s kind of an interesting situation, but who knows, maybe they will be ok.

It was getting later, and so we bid them a good evening and grabbed something to eat on our way out of town.  Aiden was really tired, and so we didn’t even bother to unload his stuff when we got back to the house, I just sent him straight to bed.

Jack was feeling rather nauseous when we arrived, and so although it was technically still Aiden’s night to sleep with me, Jack asked if they could switch since he was feeling so unwell and wanted to be looked after.  I got him to take a Gravol and then we went to bed, and he is off work today because I’m pretty certain he has some form of the flu.  He is all achy and his temperature is slightly elevated this morning so he is going to spend the day in bed.  He is supposed to be flying out to Calgary for work this week and then spending the weekend with P, so it’s important that he recover quickly.

Even though I am fighting a cold or some sort of gross infection, I feel recharged.  The weekend was exhausting, but exactly what I needed

Somehow it seems shorter when I think of it in hours, rather than days.

My mum and I are still getting along just fine, but between you and me, I’m ready for her to go home.  It’s not that she has done anything terrible, it’s just that her presence interferes with, well, almost everything.  I can’t really relax at all when she is here, which just exhausts me.

Yesterday she wanted to throw in a load of wash, which was fine.  She has been forbidden from using my washer and dryer, because EVERY TIME she comes here, she shrinks or discolors something.  She never reads labels and just washes everything on “normal” when a lot of our collective garments require special care.  Once she ruined several of Jack’s very expensive work shirts, and when I got angry with her, she refused to even acknowledge that she had done anything wrong.  At the time Jack and I were living in a tiny condo, and we didn’t have the extra money to replace $200 worth of shirts, and she acted like it was no big deal.

So, I put her wash in and then walked away.

I can only speculate that after she put her things in the dryer, she decided to completely disregard my repeated requests that she not wash anything but her own laundry here, and put a load of Aiden’s things into the wash.

Later I discovered that not only had she washed some of his clothes, but she had thrown them into the dryer without even paying attention, and thus shrank three brand new shirts that he was given for his birthday.

*Sigh*

Two of them were from us, so they will be easy enough to replace, but that’s beside the point.  I asked her not to do something MANY, MANY TIMES and she went ahead and did it anyway.  Today I installed a lock on the laundry room door, because it is clear that she doesn’t respect me enough to follow very simple instructions: DON’T WASH THE FUCKING LAUNDRY!

It’s not like the dirty clothes were in her way.  It’s not like she asked “Would you mind if I threw some of this in for you?”

She just went ahead like a pig-headed pain in my ass.  I seriously wanted to throttle her.

Instead I calmly informed her that she had again disrespected me, explained that the shirts had been ruined, and then went and hid in my room for a few minutes so that I wouldn’t completely lose it on her.  Again she refused to take responsibility for being an utter jerk, and passed it off like it was nothing.

Once I had composed myself, I was totally pleasant with her for the rest of the evening, and today.

Speaking of today, while she has been mostly easy to deal with, she DID take a few minutes to lecture me on doing too much for Aiden.  Yesterday he and I drove to his old place to pick up the rest of his things (we didn’t get it all, but one more trip should do it).  We got home and unloaded all of it into the garage, and today I began sorting though a few of the boxes, because he gave me permission to help him get rid of things he doesn’t need.

“He will never get a girlfriend of his own if you do everything for him” she said, while I tossed utensils into the discard pile.

She also remarked on the fact that I make his lunches, stating that I should “make him do it himself”.  Despite the fact that she was setting out to annoy me, I couldn’t help but chuckle inwardly.

Instead of becoming defensive, I refused to engage her, casually remarking that she should perhaps mind her own business.  She must have realized that she was pushing my limits because she left it alone after that.

My mum is rather a suspicious creature by nature (I come by it honestly) and so I am quite certain that she wonders if something not-quite-right is going on here.  Fortunately I don’t care, and in fact, I’m glad to give her a juicy topic to gossip about and speculate on with my other relatives.

Last night after we got the kids to bed she sat and chatted with me while I worked on Aiden’s chainmail (the green and black, shown below) and has offered her assistance in weaving it.  I was pleased that she appreciated my project, although I did tell her that I was getting paid to make it, and if there is anything that my mom can understand, it’s money.  Regardless, her enthusiasm and compliments on how beautiful it is were a welcome surprise.  I showed her the anklet I made for myself as well (the orange and silver piece) which she totally loved.

I wonder if she is setting out to kill me with kindness, because not only does she like the chainmail, she also supports my LARPing.  She asked plenty of questions about it and seemed genuinely interested.

“You know, you could have just taken up quilting if you needed a hobby.  I would have an easier time explaining it when I get home” she said, and we both laughed.  In fact we laughed a lot during our time together last night.  She kept me company while I built a LARP shield as well (oh the joys of putting together my first set of gear).  Her and Jack commentated on my skills with foam and duct tape, while we joked and had a good evening together.  She cleaned my kitchen, and I had the good sense not to object, and then offered to help with the shield too.  Could it be that she’s a little cooler than I give her credit for?

When it comes to the cleaning, as much as it bothers me to watch her do it, I have come to realize that it’s her way of showing me that she loves me.  When I make a big deal of keeping her from helping out, she takes it as rejection, and that causes strain.  As much as her way of doing some things offends my OCD, I am exercising my ability to gracefully accept that my mum needs to be able to DO things for me, so that she feels needed, and to express her affection.

When my shield was finished she even went so far as to call it awesome.  This morning when I was showing it to Aiden she teased him about having “shield-envy” because I made a better one than he did.  The three of us sat at the counter and had coffee together and talked, and I think that she likes Aiden enough, considering he’s a total stranger that she’s only just met.  I don’t think she suspects anything out of the ordinary at this point either, which is how I am hoping it will stay.

I’m sure it seems minimal to most of you, but she so rarely takes much of an interest in the things that I do, that I’m practically elated to have her be supportive of this.  Particularly because LARPing seems to carry kind of a negative stigma.

She still doesn’t care for my dogs, but at least she tolerates them well enough.  She hasn’t used that tone even once so far, and today I took her out shopping and she seemed pleased as punch to be spending some one on one time with me.  We had a good outing, and suddenly it doesn’t seem as though this week will stretch on for eternity.

I do miss Aiden a little bit.  By that I mean I miss being able to be affectionate with him.  We managed to sneak a few kisses today while mum was in the shower, but there was no cuddling, and I feel somewhat on guard when he is around, in case I slip up, or look at him too lovingly, or Gods know what else.  It’s kind of unfortunate, but hopefully we can remain inconspicuous for another six days.  On Saturday he and I are going to pick up as many of his remaining possessions as we can, so we will have a bit of alone time.  I’m looking forward to that, if only because I think taking small breaks from her will make it easier to keep things rolling smoothly.  Right now, for example, she is watching a movie with the kids, which is giving me some alone time for blogging.

As much as I was dreading her arrival, when she is acting so awesome, I can’t help but enjoy her company.  I am certain that the week will fly by, and as much as I love her, I will be just as happy to see her go so that we can get back to our own version of normalcy around here

My mother has been threatening…err, talking about coming out for a visit for several months now, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been so surprised when she phoned me last night to let me know that she was booking a flight.

A flight for next Wednesday.

And she’s not going home until the Wednesday after that.

A whole week.

With my mother.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry or just get so terribly drunk that I no longer care.

She knows that Aiden is living here by the way, under the guise of being our roommate of course.  Fortunately this does not seem particularly unusual to anyone, as we had V living with us for an entire year.  Everyone in my family (except my mum of course) thinks that it’s lovely that we have someone renting a room here, because they aren’t judgmental old fusspots.

It’s also fortunate I suppose that she’s coming during a time when we didn’t have anything special planned.

Less fortunately…well, there’s the fact that for an entire week Aiden and I are going to have to act as though we are merely acquaintances.  Any affection towards him on my part (or vice versa) will only serve to earn me a prolonged lecture on the finer points of behaving “properly”, and further fuel her feelings of utter failure as a parent.  That might not bother me so much if she didn’t channel all of that negativity into criticizing me, or my friends, or my parenting, or my choice of toilet paper.  If she can find fault with something, she is quick to point it out, with little to no regard for the feelings of others.

In a way, I am kind of excited for Aiden to meet one of my parents.   I just wish she wasn’t so…disapproving.  Of EVERYTHING!

When I told her that one of our friends had moved in, she got that tone.  The tone that she gets when she wants to convey to me (or anyone else) that she disagrees and STRONGLY DISAPPROVES of whatever it is I might be doing or saying, or even thinking about doing.

Then she remarked, in that tone, that having other people living here makes it hard for her to come and visit, because it’s uncomfortable.

HARD!

FOR HER!

Really, mother?  So we should never have people live here, because their presence offends you for the one week of the year that you darken our doorway?  How dare we be so inconsiderate of your comfort, to allow a NON-RELATIVE to stay under our roof.  The shame of it!

That’s exactly her attitude, and I’m not even using caps lock unnecessarily.  In fact, it is so necessary for me to talk VERY LOUDLY about my mother, that I debated writing this whole post in caps, just so that you could appreciate the magnitude of what I am dealing with here.

This is my mother, except minus all the cute.  And ramp up the disapproval about 700 notches.

Last night, after the phone call, Aiden and I were in the shower together, discussing the upcoming invasion…err, visit.

“Everybody got a good mother, except for me” I complained, resting my cheek against his chest.

I know it’s not true, but some days it seems like it.  V has a great mother, and so does Jack, and Aiden, and Nia, and most of the other people I know.  While I realize that none of them get along with their mothers 100% of the time, it does seem to me that in their adult years they have at least found a way to exist comfortably with one another.

My mother and I exist comfortably when she is 2,000 miles away.

I love my mum, honest I do.  I truly believe that she did the best she knew how when raising us, and that she went above and beyond the normal level of parental sacrifice to give us everything we needed, and often everything we wanted as well.  Some days she’s wonderful, and I greatly enjoy her company during those times.

I just wish she would understand that I am my own person, not a younger version of herself.  I think she knows it, but she doesn’t like or accept it.  She is so much like her own mother, and I am nothing like either of them, which makes her crazy.  She also hates that she and I are not best friends, but it’s impossible to have that level of trust with her because if she’s not criticizing whatever I happen to be sharing with her, she’s repeating everything I might tell her to the rest of our family!  She’s a terrible gossip, it’s one of her favorite past times.  Nothing is sacred if it’s uttered in her presence.  I’m sure that at least part of the reason she’s coming out here, is to find out who this person is who moved in with us, so that she can go back to Alberta and tell everyone else what she thinks about our living arrangements and choice of roommate.

During our brief exchange last night I mentioned that last time she was here, she seemed unhappy, which she immediately blamed on V.  Nothing is ever HER fault by the way.  Accountability?  Unheard of.

According to her, V was critical of the way she did things with the kids, and didn’t give us five minutes alone to visit.  Meanwhile, V spent most of her time in the basement, and only joined us for ONE outing the entire week that my mother was here.  She was NOT critical of the way my mother did things with the kids, and merely attempted to explain to my mother that we have certain routines and methods of doing things.  V was friendly and respectful about it, but since we don’t do things her way, she was deeply offended.  Sadly, my mum has disliked V since we were young, over an insignificant incident that occurred when we were merely 18.

Have I mentioned that my mother likes to hold a grudge?  FOREVER!?!?!?

V merely supported me during my application to obtain information on my birth parents (and joined me for the subsequent first meeting I had with my biological mother).  I didn’t involve my mum in the process at all, because I was an adult and felt that I needed to do this more or less on my own.  I doubt she will ever get over being excluded from it all, but rather than talk to me about it or place the blame where it belongs, she decided that it was all V’s fault and hasn’t cared for her since.

Over ten years and she hasn’t let it go, and she told me as much two summers ago when V was preparing to move out here.

She really loathes that I don’t include her in all major life decisions by the way.  She gets pissed off when she doesn’t get to decide how long we stay during the summer, or during which month we come to visit.  She hates that we decided to move out here without consulting her, and complains to my aunts that she “never would have done that to her kids or to her family”.  The list of things I’ve done that she disagrees with is loooooooong, but that should give you the gist of my most recent failings.

I could put up with most of those things, and even her personal attacks on my for my weight or tattoos or choice of hair style, if it were not for the fact that she seems to have a huge problem with Jack.

She is pleasant enough to his face, but as I live in a family full of gossips, I am privy to the things she says about him behind my back.

Like V, Jack did something that made her feel slighted, and she has never gotten over it.  This happened almost eight years ago of course, right after the birth of our first child.  She had come to stay with us when we brought Luke home, and being the overbearing bossy-pants that she is, she proceeded to try to railroad me into doing everything the way SHE thinks it should be done.  Now being a terrified 19-year old new mom, I didn’t want to argue with her, but Jack wouldn’t put up with it, and basically told her to back off a little, and that we needed to figure things out for ourselves, and so she left, with a huff, claiming she felt unwelcome.

And she’s never let it go.  I don’t think she really knows how.  She has passed judgement over Jack, and myself, and our marriage, ever since.

I have it from good authority that she disapproves of he and I having single friends.  She thinks I spend too much time gallivanting around, and how dare I have a life of my own.  It’s shameful, apparently, that I have friends or that I have interests aside from child rearing.  She believes that Jack and I should only associate with other couples.  Not just any other couples mind you, but couples with children.  Couples who are good Catholics (Christians will do in a pinch).  He and I should never do anything social separately, in her opinion, because that could possibly lead us to INFIDELITY!

A part of me wants so badly to tell her that it’s too late for that, heh.

“Are you really honestly happy?” she asked me one night, in such a way that I knew she was implying that my marriage might be in the toilet.  I had just come in after being out with some friends from high school, that I had run into while visiting her during the summer.  You see, even though I was 26, it was vastly inappropriate for me to be out late in mixed company.  She had called my phone and told me to “get home, NOW” and I had no choice but to comply, as she was babysitting the kids for me and I didn’t want to argue with her at that hour.  When I came in she was waiting for me, and she began grilling me at length, like I was 17 again and had rolled in late for curfew.

No, I didn’t take it like a bitch, I told her that I was an adult and that she needed to back off about ten paces, and that if it was an issue of my leaving the kids with her that had her so upset, I would gladly take them elsewhere to be babysat so that I could have five minutes to myself.  I wasn’t trying to threaten her, but I wasn’t going to put up with her bullshit either.  She shut up, and then asked me if I was happy.  She asked in such a way that it was obvious she really meant “Are you happy in your marriage?” and I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that of course I was, and then I went to bed.

In her defense, she had every right to be suspicious.  Less than an hour before this conversation occurred I was rolling around in bed with a guy I hadn’t seen since grade 12, whom I had always been interested in, and whom had always been interested in me.  We’d never gotten together because one of us was always dating someone.

That fact, however, did not negate me being happy in my marriage.

I can only speculate on what she will assume after spending a week here.  Aiden and I will do our best to remain inconspicuous.  Who knows how successful we will be.  If she corners me, I think rather than lie I will simply tell her not to ask questions unless she is certain that wants the answer.  Or perhaps I will just come right out of the poly closet and then she will really have something to gossip about when she gets home.

</Rant>

Thank you for bearing with me.  I really needed to unload, to get out all of the negative feelings towards my mum, and hopefully mentally prepare myself for her visit.

I want to assure you all now that Jack had just as much input as Aiden and I, when it came to the contract.  He read the drafts and requested additions/subtractions as he saw fit.  Aiden and I both felt (and still feel) that although the contract is technically between him and I, that it affects Jack just as much, if not more so, and that his feelings on the matter would be of the utmost importance.

Currently the contract is up for renewal, however with Aiden just beginning a new job and settling in here with us, we’ve postponed renegotiating it for the time being.  When we do, Jack will again be asked to contribute his thoughts and feelings on how the trial period went, and what changes he would like to see, if any.  It’s obviously very important that we are all on the same page when it comes to where the boundaries lie, and what is and is not ok.

Sometimes Jack disagrees with the way in which Aiden and I conduct our relationship.  I won’t speak on his behalf, but for example there was one day when I had been feeling off, or at least more moody and emotional than usual, and I had a punishment coming to me for some infractions in the days prior.  Jack found it difficult to understand why Aiden would follow through with punishing me when he knew I was having a really shitty day, as he is more inclined to coddle and snuggle me when I’m not feeling like myself.

We talked about it, and I did my best to reassure him that not only was the punishment well earned on my part, but that it was important for Aiden to follow though on these things because otherwise it would be difficult for me to take him seriously as my Master.  Consistency is important, especially in the beginning, and despite feeling really terrible, I knew that and accepted it, although perhaps not as gracefully as I could have.

Jack gets it on a rational level, it’s just not his way.  Regardless, he did not interfere, and I believe that he does trust Aiden to look out for my best interests.  He knows that while I can be submissive, I am not passive, and that if I am really having an issue, I won’t hesitate to make it known.

Aiden isn’t really that inclined to order me around a lot either.  There are certain expectations when it comes to my behavior, which I am aware of.  Rather than ordering me to do something, he prefers to ASK that I do it, which leaves the onus on me to obey.  This may seem contradictory to the entire Master/slave relationship, but Aiden prefers that I not become the type to mindlessly follow orders, and would rather that I behave because I’ve made the choice to do so.  It’s kind of difficult for me to put into words, but by leaving me at least the illusion of a choice, I confirm my submission to him every time I do as I am asked.

There are times when Jack is resentful that I will do things for Aiden without argument, when I won’t necessarily do those things for him so willingly.  It’s not that I am intentionally being disagreeable, or dismissive of Jack, it’s just the difference in how our respective relationships are negotiated.  While it sometimes bothers him, there are also times when he uses it to his advantage.  He does enjoy the perks of the house being tidy more often than not, and of tasks being completed in a more timely manner.  When he points out to me specific things that I do more willingly for Aiden, I do make a note of it and then put more of a conscious effort into doing said thing for Jack without a ton of objections.

Division of time is perhaps the most difficult aspect of co-habitating.  While Aiden was looking for work, he and I were able to spend every day together.  Obviously Jack and I don’t often enjoy that luxury.  Now that Aiden is working again, things should be a little more fair.  Divvying up the weekends can be difficult, between LARP and kink events and other social engagements, I could be gone almost constantly, but that would be terribly unfair for Jack and the kids.  So we work at balancing.  I make sure to give Jack as much notice as possible regarding plans or events I would like to attend, and then we negotiate how to make the most of our time in a way that is workable for everyone.  This past weekend, for example, I spent most of Saturday with Jack and the kids, and Aiden went for lunch with some friends.  Saturday evening Aiden and I attended a birthday party, and got home quite late.  Sunday morning Aiden went to visit his parents, and afterwards to LARP, and I skipped LARP and spent the whole of Sunday at home with Jack and the young ones.

This coming weekend, Aiden will be out on Friday night until the wee hours I imagine, as he has plans in the city with his pals.  On Saturday he and I are going to drive out to his parents place, to celebrate his birthday with them and his siblings.  On Sunday Aiden is going to watch the kids for a while so that Jack and I can go out for V-Day brunch, and that evening we are all going to hang out and have fondue to celebrate as a group.  Monday will also be spent at home, celebrating Aiden’s birthday for a second time, as a family.

Those are just some examples of what our weekends look like around here.  Some are more low-key than others, but our schedules are generally crazy, LOL.  Fortunately I’m a planner, and both Aiden and Jack generally leave it up to me to keep track of our respective social engagements and to give them each adequate notice regarding what we are doing at any given time.  Slaves are really just glorified personal assistants with better perks, after all

When something isn’t really working for Jack, in terms of time or my relationship with Aiden, he’s really good about letting me know so that we can discuss it and make adjustments.  As long as the lines of communication remain open, we can generally find a workable solution that makes everyone happy.

Thank you again for the question(s) Tonya.  I hope you guys will keep them coming, if you are curious or require clarification on anything.  Please don’t be shy

In response to my previous post, Perakath remarked:

I feel a bit bad for Jack! Is he really okay with it all?

I left it sit for a while, because Jack intended to respond personally (and he still might) but being me, I have a few things to say on the matter, and some additional comments on how the co-habitation is progressing.

Over the weekend Jack and I had the opportunity to go out for dinner together while Aiden supervised the younglings.  As often happens, the conversation turned to our current state of affairs, and I asked Jack if he ever imagined that we would end up in a poly living arrangement like this.  I don’t think either of us ever really thought that we would get to this point.  When I really stop myself to think about it, it seems not only strange but bordering on insanity, which is perhaps why it works.

The short answer is, yes Jack really is ok with it all.

Having Aiden living here is not without it’s perks for him.  Another adult to ride herd over the children is always welcome, not to mention that fact that Jack and I have been able to spend some desperately-needed alone time together out of the house.  Aiden pitches in with the housework and contributes to the grocery bills, and he keeps me on task when it comes to getting things done.

It’s not perfect and it’s not always awesome and I don’t expect that it will ever be just right.  Jack is sometimes resentful of the amount of time I presently get to spend with Aiden, although that is bound to change rather immediately, as there is progress on the job front.  Sometimes one of them has a shitty day and could probably use a warm body to cuddle up with that night, but it’s not their turn (that’s actually already happened to both of them at least once).  I feel like when that happens it might be understandable for the one in need to approach the other and ask to switch nights, but that is up to their own discretion.  Maybe we need to add that to the discussion topics for the next family meeting.  There are days when I am in a mood and I think they might BOTH like to throttle me.  Aiden and I have had our share of disagreements.  My stubbornness frustrates him to no end, and we piss each other off fairly regularly, but it never really lasts long.  He’s not one to let things sit un-mended and while I’m not particularly cooperative much of the time, our communication with each other seems to be improving.

Speaking of switching nights and sleeping arrangements, starting tomorrow we are going to try out a 3-night rotation, due to the fact that changing beds every night is very disruptive to all of our sleeping patterns.  Hopefully that will work out a little better for everyone, but only time will tell.

There are also funny little insignificant aspects of this arrangement that one never really considers until they come up.  Such as having to keep a spare toothbrush in Aiden’s bathroom so that I don’t have to go all the way up to the Master bathroom to brush my teeth before bed and in the morning.  I’ve also come to realize that it is essential to keep at least one change of clothes in Aiden’s bedroom, because sometimes I’m already naked before I get down there at night and then I have nothing to put on in the morning when I get up with the children.

Jack and Aiden also have vastly different morning routines, which means I have a different morning routine, depending on where I am waking up.  Jack likes to hit the snooze button half a dozen times and get up very gradually, while Aiden’s alarm causes him to jump three feet straight into the air, and then out of bed.  On the weekends they both like to sleep in a little, although Jack more so than Aiden.  Fortunately they both like cuddling, and Aiden has begun allowing for snuggle time in the mornings before he has to get out of bed or he knows I will be owly all day

Hopefully Jack will get around to commenting and share his own thoughts and feelings on the current living arrangement but I think for the most part we are all pretty content with how things are progressing thus far.  Please don’t hesitate to ask questions if you are curious, someone will take the time to answer them sooner or later