I don’t think that I have it in me to continue tweeting, and now that I’ve been away from it for over a week, there is no real draw to return.

As for this blog, I don’t think that I will take it down, although the domain comes up for renewal in May and I am not yet entirely sure if I can afford to keep it going.  I suspect that I shall renew it for another year, and then see if I use it before letting it expire.

The content herein could still prove useful to some, and so rather than allowing it to vanish into oblivion, I shall likely export it to a free host (WordPress) and then leave it be.

I don’t know, maybe I will take it up again.  Right now it seems pointless due to the fact that I feel uncomfortable writing about my feelings for fear of inciting conflict over here in my “real life”.  Things are extremely sensitive in this house, as Jack and I struggle to discuss and compromise with each other and avoid all of the venom and spite that leaks out with unfortunate regularity.

Just to give a brief update, last night Aiden put down a damage deposit and paid his first month’s rent on his own place.  He will be moving out over the first part of March.

Today Jack is going to visit his family and tell them what is going on.  My family will likely have to wait until next weekend as I am working full time these days in order to pay all of my own bills, and I don’t get a lot of days off.

I already came out to my aunt, who is my closest family member.  Apparently she already suspected, as do my parents, that we have some sort of an open relationship.  She was surprisingly calm and extremely supportive, although I could tell that she was struggling some with the reality of the situation.  It was weird but also liberating to just be honest about everything.  I am not sure that it’s the best course of action when it comes to my mum and dad, but it’s rather nice that at least one more person knows the facts of the matter.

At any rate, I may continue to update sporadically, or as time and consideration for others allow.  I really do wish that I could share more, but for now it’s better not to.

It saddens me just to type it, and I toiled with the idea of saying anything here at all, due to the fear that someone will feel blamed or painted as the villain.  However, I promised myself that I would do what I could to detail our relationship as it went along, and although I know I haven’t done that to the fullest extent possible, this happens to be rather pivotal.

When it comes right down to it, Jack came to feel that he and Aiden could no longer live under the same roof.  The reasons for that are…complicated, and I am reluctant to comment on them, as we are all rather wounded and I don’t care to rub salt on anyone.

It feels like a massive personal failure, but I must remind myself that failure is subjective, and that perhaps all of this is the catalyst for something greater.  We made a good go of it, and now we are moving forward in a different direction.

What will become of us, you might wonder?

Thus far the plan is that Aiden will have three more months with us, during which he will be able to save up to get his own apartment.  At that time he will move out, and I will spend half of my time at his place, and half of my time here with Jack, and the children will also spend time at each residence.

Unfortunately, it has been left entirely up to me as to how I divide my time.  This task becomes daunting in the face of taking on more hours at my job, and while attempting to keep everyone involved happy.  I say it’s unfortunate only in that it feels as though the happiness of three different people rests on my shoulders alone, which is a heavy burden to bear.

The future is murky.  I don’t consider this any indication that poly is unmanageable, only that for the three of us, co-habitation is (at present) not agreeable for all those involved.

I will admit that I am struggling with feelings of resentment, and anger, and pain.  Some of them are not caused by the current circumstances, but simply aggravated by it.  Like opening up old wounds, to bleed along with the new.  In attempting to contain them, it would seem that I am simply becoming cool, withdrawn, and emotionally disinterested.  That sucks, but it’s the way I roll at the moment.

There could be more on this, maybe once I feel less raw, but for now we are simply picking up the pieces and attempting to rearrange them in a way that is more satisfactory for everyone.

The past 12 months have seen Aiden move in with us and become a part of our family.  Then there was another move of epic proportions, taking all five of us, and the two dogs, over 2,000 miles back across the country.  Back to Calgary and to all of our friends and family here.

There has been much joy, laughter, and so, SO much love.  There has also been pain and stress and tears and moments where it felt as though we were going to rip each other to shreds.  Yes, there is always some darkness, but mostly there has been intense happiness.

I’ve renewed friendships, and made a couple of new ones.  I’ve crossed at least a dozen items from my Life List, pushed myself to the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and grown as a person. I’ve found myself, lost myself, and found myself again.

Recently I applied for University in Calgary.  I haven’t been a student in over a decade, but the prospect of returning to school is thrilling and terrifying all at once.  My return to school (and increased absence from home) is liable to rock the boat in a significant way, but we shan’t have to deal with that until well into next year.  I know that we shall pull together, as we always do, and make it work.

It’s been a year of change, as most of them are, but this one particularly so.  I feel stronger, physically and mentally, than I have in years prior, and that makes the struggle worth it in the end.  I want that trend to continue into the new year.  I want to keep getting better, as a person, and as a partner, and as a mother.

I want to reinvent myself over and over, and come out the better for it.

Mine was productive, and yet relaxing.  Here, let me tell you about it.

Thursday night (yes, I am starting on Thursday) was the evening Jack and I set aside to celebrate the anniversary of our engagement (which was technically on Friday, see below for why we had it on Thursday instead).  We dressed up nice and went for a really delicious dinner at The Keg.  We shared a bottle of wine, reminisced about the old times, and had a very wonderful evening together.  Then we went home, had a celebratory roll in the hay as it were, and fell asleep all cuddled up with each other.

On Friday night Jack and the kids left to spend the weekend in Edmonton participating in Grey Cup festivities.  I was unable to join them due to the fact that pole dancing classes fall smack-dab in the middle of Saturday evening.  After seeing them off, Aiden and decided to run a couple of errands.  We wanted to get started on our Christmas shopping, and we also had to make a trip to the pharmacy for play piercing supplies.

Yes, you read that right, hee hee.

Aiden bought me 50 22g hypodermic needles, a sharps disposal container, some nitrile gloves, and alcohol prep pads.  Oh are we ever going to have some fun!

We also scouted out some great gifts for the kids at the funky store next to the pharmacy.  Then we went for a bite to eat before heading home to watch some TV and play StarCraft II.

Saturday morning found us braving the mall, where we picked up some Christmas gifts, and also a new game for the PS3 (Lost Planet 2).  The malls are already totally crazy, so I was happy to get the hell out of there after a couple of hours of shopping.

After we got home, Aiden decided to have a nap, and I decided to get out my needles and do a little practice run on a raw chicken.

Yes, you read that right too.

Raw chickens have a similar feel to human skin, although when you practice on chickens you end up piercing through the muscle meat, just due to the fact that the skin itself and the fat layer beneath are far thinner than that of human being, and so the main purpose of practicing on them is to get your spacing and technique correct.

Before I continue, let me assure everyone that while I am NOT a trained professional, I have some practical knowledge of play piercing by way of workshops, observing other piercers in action, extensive reading on the internet, and have re-read Play Piercing by Deborah Addington at least three times.  Does this make me qualified for play piercing?  Probably not, which is why I shall practice at length on chickens and myself before I put a needle to the skin of anyone else.

Even though I was only piercing a dead bird, I went through the motions of cleaning (or pretending to, as I was planning on feeding this bird to my dogs afterwards) and re-gloving, just as I would if I was piercing a human. It’s good to go through the motions, even on “dry runs” so that you get used to the routine involved.  Believe it or not, I did learn some things while piercing Mrs. Cluck here.  Mainly about handling sharps without poking yourself, how important it is to work from top to bottom and not the other way around, and that initially marking your entry and exit points is more effective and safer than trying to eye-ball it.

After cleaning up and putting away my gear, I left for pole dancing class, which was awesome.  I really improved my fireman spin and we learned some sexy transition moves.  It was good fun!

Once class was over I visited with V briefly before heading for home.  Aiden and I played a little Lost Planet 2 before getting ready for the play party.  He wasn’t feeling very good, and we debated about going, but decided to make an appearance anyway, even if we didn’t stay long.  We grabbed some supper on the way, and got there about half an hour after things had started.

It was a much smaller event than we are used to.  Maybe because it’s a relatively new event (this was only their second one) but the smaller size made it very comfortable.  We got to talk to almost everyone there, and made some new friends.  The dungeon they have set up is very nice, and on a different floor than the social area, which is awesome!  No distractions of people talking about work or kids while you are trying to focus on your scene.

We didn’t end up playing because we lost track of time and ended up visiting until after 1am!  Aiden wasn’t feeling so hot anyway, so I didn’t expect that we would play (my butt was still a little sore from a belting I got earlier in the week anyway, heh) and it was lovely just to be social.

I was happy to crawl into bed around 2am and get some sleep!

Sunday was pretty laid back.  We played video games and tidied up the house a bit.  Jack and the kids made it home around 4pm and then it was time to watch the game!  There were lots of snacks and we all watched the Grey Cup.  None of the teams I really care about were in it, so I sort of split my attention between the game and my computer, but it was fun anyway.

Once the game was over we put the kids to bed and Aiden and I played some StarCraft II in the living room while watching TV with Jack.  Aiden really likes The Walking Dead series, and I watch it with him, even though it gives me nightmares pretty much every time.  Last night I dreamed that the zombie apocalypse was just beginning and we were gathering supplies from the house before leaving town and heading north (for some reason I believe that going to where it is very cold is the best idea in the event of zombies.  I mean, they would freeze solid, and then you could just knock their heads off where they stood.  Sounds like a plan to me).  It wasn’t as scary as a dream I had the last time I watched it that involved trying to make a pipe bomb out of a metal water bottle while tossing undead off the roof of the building we were trapped on.

Why yes, I DO have an over-active imagination, why do you ask?

Anyway, after that Jack headed to bed and Aiden and I followed shortly after.

This morning Aiden helped me with cleaning up the house in preparation for his mother, who is arriving here on Saturday night.

All in all it was a really great weekend, some low points aside.  I am hoping to do my first actual play piercing on Aiden this coming weekend, so I shall endeavour to post some photos of that, and probably some more shots of my practice sessions in the mean time.

That reminds me, I should take some meat out of the freezer for supper tonight…

I’m still experimenting and tweaking my diet (and by diet I mean eating habits) in order to gain the approval of my colon.  There have been good days and bad days, but for the most part, I am only going once or twice a day, which is a huge improvement.  I’ve eliminated all refined grains, and cut out as many processed foods as possible.  I’m not experience gut aches any more, which is really nice.  Hopefully things continue to improve as I figure out what my triggers are.  I am still planning on getting things looked at by my doctor once we get our insurance straightened out.

This Friday Jack and I will be celebrating the anniversary of our engagement.  We’ve been together for almost 9 years now, and while we don’t usually have a big to-do over this anniversary, we are going to have a nice dinner out together to observe the occasion.  I will never forget the moment when he knelt in the snow, and asked me to be his wife.  It was dark, and the city lights twinkled behind us from the special spot he took me to.  It was a really wonderful proposal, and I’m so happy that he asked me to marry him all those years ago.

On Saturday night, after my pole dancing class (which I am LOVING, by the way) Aiden and I are attending our first play party here in Calgary.  We went to our first munch on Monday evening, and met some really friendly people.  I, for one, have felt welcomed by the community here, something I didn’t expect.  It’s been a very pleasant surprise.  Some of the community members whom we didn’t get a chance to talk to on Monday night stopped by where we were sitting to say goodbye and said that they hoped to get a chance to visit with us next time.  That was really nice.  I’m really looking forward to the party, as it’s been a long time.  The hosts are just about the most outgoing and good natured people you could meet.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a fantastic time.  I hope we can play a little

Aiden’s mum is coming to visit us next weekend.  I am a little nervous about that as she doesn’t know the truth about the situation.  Jack has generously agreed to make himself scarce for the two days that she is here, and Aiden and I have decided to go with the story that we are storing some of his things, if she asks.  I don’t know how I feel about it all, but I’ve missed her so much, and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s difficult to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.  I am hoping to get a lot of shopping done this weekend.  We haven’t bothered decorating yet.  Honestly, I think it’s very strange to decorate a house before the beginning of December, but perhaps that is because we always had real trees, and if you wanted them to last until New Year, you couldn’t set them up until the middle of the month.  I’m in no hurry to get anything put up, it will get done after we get through the impending mother visit.  We also keep our decorations up until Ukrainian Christmas, which is in January, so having the house decorated for over a month seems excessive.

We are very busy, but life is good.

When Jack and I decided to become poly, I don’t think either of us realized that we would end up where we are currently.  We entered into this “lifestyle” with the intention that what happened in our own bedroom (or in the bedrooms of our lovers, as the case may be) would be our business and that nobody need ever know.  Convenient and convincing cover stories became a part of planning outings or absences that would be spent with other significant others (we’ve used everything from “she’s helping a friend move today” to “he isn’t feeling particularly well and won’t be coming with us this weekend”).  That worked out just dandy, until poly spilled out of just the bedroom and into everyday life.  Now it is becoming increasingly inconvenient and more trying to keep it all under cover.

I used to fantasize about coming out to my mother, if only to piss her off.  Now I wish that I could just tell the truth because I hate having to keep my relationship with Aiden a secret.  I hate feeling like I’m doing something so wrong that we can’t possibly tell people for fear of the repercussions.  I dislike having to exclude him from “family activities” even though he is a part of our family.  I don’t want to have to live like this forever.

There is also the high level of paranoia I face every time I pack our kids off to spend time with my parents or Jack’s parents.  What if they say something suspicious?  What if there are uncomfortable questions?  What if everyone finds out?

I don’t care much about these things when it comes to my family, but Jack DOES care about them, and because of that, I feel as though I must be on high alert.  It’s exhausting really.  Part of me wishes we could just have it all out and stop living like we are part of the witness protection program, but I know that would make Jack extremely unhappy.

I suppose the trade off is that instead I am extremely unhappy.  Well perhaps not extremely unhappy, yet, but certainly discontent.

There is also the looming issue of future procreation.  Aiden would like to have a child, and I would like to have said child with him, and when that occurs, I am not entirely certain that we are going to be able to accommodate the lies.  One suggestion being tossed around is that we tell everyone that the three of us got terribly drunk, had a threesome, and I ended up pregnant.

That seems somewhat workable in theory, but what of the innocent child?  What are people going to say to him or her about the situation as he or she gets older?

Likewise, what are people going to say to my current children?

I suppose it’s sort of like being the child of gay parents in a time or place where it isn’t accepted or approved of.  You teach your children that it’s ok to go against the grain and encourage them to ignore the ignorance and narrowmindedness of the world around them.  I was raised in a family of racists rednecks and I turned out ok I think.  We were poor and I got picked on a lot because I never had the cool clothes and I never fit in with the popular kids.  I don’t know if that’s more or less horrible than being picked on because you live in a house with more than two parents, but who knows.

Jack and I have locked horns over this issue several times in the past months.  In fact during one late-night conversation I was relatively certain that we would either have to file for divorce or return to monogamy, the situation seemed so impassable.

I am still not certain how to resolve any of this.  I want to give up hiding because it feels so smothering and fraudulent to keep up the deception, just out of fear, and just for the sake of two other people (namely, Jack’s parents).  On the other hand, I want to be respectful of Jack and accommodating of his feelings on the matter.  I want to support his decision not to come out, but at what cost to myself and to my own sense of being truthful?

How does one manage to remain true to themselves and to their own needs, while continuing to honor the needs of the people they love?

Presently I am writing from our new place in Alberta.  We are still negotiating our way through a maze of boxes, as our things only arrived on Monday.

The trip to Alberta was long and wonderful and terrible and beautiful, all at the same time.  I doubt I will ever elaborate much beyond that, but there will be photos coming along eventually.  Northern Ontario is one of the most gorgeous places I’ve ever seen, second perhaps only to the mountains, and I hope to vacation there in the future and do a lot more hiking.

In the days leading up to the trip, Aiden and I managed to get in some camping, a little hiking, and a trip to Wonderland.  I have some list items to cross off, including having sex in a public washroom, while other people were in there!

The trip was hard on everyone, and in the days after we arrived Jack and I seemed to be at each other constantly.  We’d only just mended things when Aiden and I had a couple of rough days.  All in all the entire thing has been…highly emotional, to say thee very least.

It wasn’t all bad.  We got to take in a bit of Stampede, and the rodeo.  I took Aiden to the mountains one afternoon and we did a bit of hiking.  We celebrated Jack’s 35th birthday, and he and I went out for a lovely romantic dinner together.  Yesterday V came over and spent four hours organizing and unpacking the kitchen with me.

There is more to say, but unfortunately free time is at a premium today.  We are preparing for the kiddos, who come home tomorrow, and I want their rooms to be ready for them.

Hopefully a moment to blog will present itself soon.  I just wanted to let y’all know that we made it safe and sound.

Obviously, as we all continue to reside under the same roof, things are working out to some extent.  For the most part actually, we all function very well as a group.  Sometimes we have our moments.  Last night, for example, Aiden had given some instruction to Luke regarding dinner, and Jack, not having heard this exchange, gave a different and opposite instruction.  He hadn’t really intended to undermine Aiden’s authority, but sometimes it happens, so we make our best effort to learn from it and move on.

The children seem to tailor their behavior to fit best with whomever happens to be home at the time.  I think that is rather typical, however, and so I don’t let it keep me up at night.  They are generally pretty good rugrats, and I try not to complain, because I have worked in many environments that involved younglings, and let me tell you, some of them are so horrid that you find yourself entertaining the thought of holding their heads underwater.

Parenting conflicts aside, and the ongoing struggle to balance equal time between the males, we have worked out a fairly amicable rhythm and routine to life.  Often my day begins as the sun is coming up, when Aiden is getting ready for work.  The coffee maker turns itself on at around 5:20am, and we drag ourselves out of bed shortly after.  We talk a little and eat breakfast together, and I make his lunch, and then see him off at the door.  The children, and eventually Jack, decend from upstairs after I’ve spent 30 blessed minutes of time with myself (today it’s being devoted to this post) and then there are more breakfasts to be made, clothes to be laid out and changed into, and lunches to be zipped into backpacks.  The kids and I see Jack off at the door, and sometime later I hustle them out to the van and drive them to school, only to arrive home already feeling that the day is half-spent.  Truthfully by that time I’ve already been awake for over three hours, and the first thing I want to do is sit down with a cup of coffee and collect myself before the day actually begins.  Normally this involves pouring over or creating a vast “To Do” list for the week, which is then broken down into days.  Sometimes if I am feeling particularly scattered, I go so far as to organizing the list for that day into a time-line.

Errands, housework, and other tasks eat up the rest of the morning and early afternoon, until it’s time to fetch the kiddos from school.  Aiden arrives home shortly after we do, and everyone is ravenous, so if I’m really on the ball they all get a snack.  Sometimes I am distracted and just force them to fend for themselves.  Aiden and I talk about our days, while setting the eldest child to his homework.  Often we will take a shower together, and then he will entertain the brood while I wrangle dinner.

Jack never really arrives home at a regular time, but when he does, the kids are eager for his attention.  If we’ve already eaten, he will have his dinner, and if not, we all eat together, and then he talks to the children about their day.

Eventually the kids are bundled off to bed, and the adults heave a collective sigh of relief.  Some nights we watch TV, or Jack completes work-related tasks while Aiden and I talk about LARP, or work on some other project we have going.  Some nights there are outings, for one or two of us, and some nights I have to volunteer at the kennel.  There are almost always deviations in the schedule.  It’s rarely as tidy as I’ve made it out to be.  Often our house feels like a three-ring circus, with children and dogs leaping about, talking or barking at full volume, all four of them competing for attention, and the adults attempting some kind of discussion over top of them.

When it is finally time for bed, I either retire downstairs with Aiden, or upstairs with Jack, depending on the schedule or whatever has been negotiated for that particular night.  There is cuddling and quiet conversation before sleep, and then always-too-few hours of rest before we get up and do it all over again.

And so it goes, the weekends being an entirely different animal, wherein we toss the whole schedule out the window and run about willy-nilly.  Or at least the children do.

It wouldn’t be the ideal way of living for some, or even most, but I secretly love the level of insanity we often maintain.  Time passes so quickly, and I can’t even tell you the last time I was bored.  It was probably years ago.  Life is not always exciting in the ways that I want it to be, and some days I tire of the current state of constant packing, but boring?  Never!  I like it that way, because bored people are boring people, and I never want to be boring.

So far I think I am doing a pretty good job.

I wasn’t whining or making a play at being passive aggressive, I was simply expressing mild frustration at a situation that I’m certain comes up in EVERY relationship. I wasn’t angry with Aiden, since we were both very tired, and I fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

I received the following reply to said Tweet, from my friend ChickPea:

It raised an interesting point, that I don’t believe I have touched on here previously – how it works when one of them isn’t “giving me what I want”.

In this particular instance, I was actually sleeping with Aiden, and Jack was out for dinner with an old friend of his.  However, suppose that Jack had been home, would it have been ok for me to go upstairs and have my way with him before returning to bed with Aiden?

The short answer is: No

Allow me to explain further.

The guys share time with me at nights.  I’ve mentioned before that we currently use a 3-day rotation, more or less (sometimes nights are traded, etc.) and it works out well for everyone.  Time before bed can be divided up depending on the circumstances.  Last night Jack was out, so Aiden and I spent all evening together.  Sometimes Jack and I cuddle on the couch before Aiden and I go to bed together, or out for a date, or whatever.  Tonight, for instance, Jack and I are going to the greyhound rescue to volunteer, and Aiden will be asleep before I even get home.  That, however, is a rarity.  Usually I go to bed at whatever time the person I am sleeping with goes to bed, because often we will talk quietly before falling asleep, and some of our closest quality time occurs as we are snuggled up in bed together.

As sometimes happens in all relationships, sometimes when I go to bed with Jack or Aiden, one or both of us is angry at the other.  Or we argue about something as we are laying in bed.  When that happens, it’s VERY, VERY tempting to say “Fuck You!” and leave the room to sleep with my other partner.

That, however, is something I never allow myself to do.

On rare occasions I have left the room, but in those situations, I opt to sleep on the couch, or in the guest bed.

As much as possible, I do my best to avoid doing anything that uses poly to my unfair advantage.  I don’t think it would be fair to either of the guys if I stormed off and crawled into bed with my other partner.  For one, if the person I ran out on wanted to come and talk to me, they would be unable to do so.  For another, I feel that it sends the message “I don’t really need you, I can always get my needs met somewhere else” which will only breed resentment.  Often I ask myself “If the roles were reversed, how would I wish to be treated?” and that guides many of the choices I make.  I would be very upset if Jack and I had a spat, and he decided to go sleep with P instead, and so I do my best to avoid doing things that I would find hurtful.

The same goes for sex.  Just because I can have sex with Jack, when Aiden isn’t in the mood (or vice versa) that doesn’t mean it’s particularly thoughtful of me to do so.  If we hadn’t been in bed yet, well then it may have been a different story.  Poly is often a complex balancing act, and each situation seems to need individual evaluation before a decision can be made.

Suppose it was later in the evening and the three of us were all in the house, although perhaps not doing the same activity.  In this hypothetical situation, it’s Aiden’s night to sleep with me.  I ask him if he’s interested in going to bed early, so that we can have sex before we go to sleep.  He replies that he is probably far too tired for sex, although he is gentle about it and reassures me that he loves me.  I have two options now.  I can accept that, and go to bed early with him so that he is well-rested and perhaps up for some lovin the following evening, or I can ask him if he minds me having sex with Jack instead (assuming that Jack is up for it).

Why would I have to ask him?  Well I don’t technically *have to* but seeing as he and I will be sleeping together, I would check first, in case he wanted to go to bed immediately, or in case he just wants to cuddle for a while before sleep.  Likewise, when I am sleeping with Jack, I generally try to be thoughtful of him in this capacity as well.

There are also nights when I have the whole evening specifically booked off for one of them, and in that situation, I probably wouldn’t ask if they minded me having sex with the other, because it would just seem terribly rude.  If I have a special “date night” with Jack, I wouldn’t feel right about asking him to give up time with me just so I could have sex with Aiden, even if Jack wasn’t in the mood.

See what I mean about complex?  I get a headache just attempting to explain it.

There are many aspects of our daily lives that do not adhere to any hard and fast rules.  We generally muddle through, making decisions based on what seems like the right thing to do in any given situation.  Much of it is trial and error.  There are plenty of mistakes along the way, but we are all still learning.

Jack, quite touched by my unexpected generosity, offered to let Aiden and I go away overnight this coming weekend, but we have LARP, and I would rather “bank” those overnight opportunities for Alberta, where we can spend a weekend in the mountains.

Having P here has been lovely.  I don’t want to overstep when it comes to how much I share regarding her relationship with Jack, but from what I can tell, things are going really well.  She seems to be settling in for the long-haul, and it’s very apparent that her presence in his life makes Jack very happy.  She and I have a bit of a running joke going about the 12-passenger van we’ll have to buy once Aiden and I, and she and Jack, have children.

It’s been rather interesting living in the basement full-time with Aiden.  My clothes are strewn all over his room, and I’ve only ventured into my own room a couple of times to fetch items that I’d forgotten to bring down prior to P getting here.  The last time I went in there, a couple of days ago, I felt as though I was intruding into someone else’s space.  It was something of an unsettling sensation at first, since it’s my room, and normally I consider it something of a sanctuary, where I can go when I need time to myself.  So I thought about it some, and realized that it’s really just a room, and for that matter, in a couple of months I won’t even live in it anymore.  Kind of silly to get bent out of shape over something so trivial.  I did, however, come to realize that in the next house I will need some sort of space for myself, especially if P does end up moving in, because everyone should have an area of their own, that is just theirs.  Jack, Aiden, and P should also have their own spaces, because the more people that live together, the more difficult it becomes.  This has stirred some ideas regarding how we will divvy up living area in the next house, which I hope to discuss with the rest of the family at the next opportune time.

This week I really must get started on the pre-pack for the move.  I also need to get all of our stuff together for LARP, especially since we are supposed to get rain, UGH!  Wet weather always means packing extra clothes, etc.  Don’t tell Aiden, but I am almost beginning to wish we WERE going away overnight somewhere that didn’t involve camping and re-applying black face paint 45 times, and getting wet in the great outdoors.  I am sure it will be brilliant once we are there, but at the moment, it just isn’t sounding so hot, LOL.

First I began writing about a tantrum I had on Friday that culminated in me taking off my collar and leaving it on Aiden’s bed while he was at work.  The discussion that followed was rather uncomfortable for me, and just this morning I completed the two-page apology that will hopefully earn me a second chance at being Aiden’s slave.  I miss my collar.  I feel naked without its familiar weight around my neck.

Second I began writing about the dull and mostly shitastic weekend that I had, but it’s all water under the bridge now.

Third I began writing about P’s arrival, and the wonderful visit we’ve had thus far.  Yesterday we spent the day shopping together, and making plans for the future.  We talked about her relationship with Jack, and I assured her that I am indeed very ok with them being together, and that I hope it lasts.  Yes, I still have the odd twinge of discomfort in my guts, but it passes as quickly as it comes.  Kind of like a moment of unfounded anxiety, or having butterflies when you drive through just the right sort of dip in a road at just the right speed.  Any “weirdness” (I wouldn’t even go so far to call it jealousy or insecurity or anything like that) on my part is quickly and easily dispersed by the fact that they make each other so happy, and it makes me happy to see them together.

This is what compersion feels like.

Next week Aiden is going to be working graveyards, which means I will be sleeping alone at night.  My period is also due on Tuesday, which means I am going to have to be extra-aware of my emotional state and do what I can to keep my irrational craziness in check.  Aiden and I have LARP next weekend, so fortunately I will have that to look forward to.  Even though we don’t actually spend a lot of time together “in-game” there is still the car ride there and back for us to talk and be with each other.  We should be able to coordinate sleep schedules at the event as well so that we both get in a bit of cuddling time, and aren’t apart the entire weekend.  That’s the thing about LARP.  Even though it’s something we do together, we aren’t actually together while we are there.  In the game we don’t know each other, so it doesn’t make any reasonable sense in the story for us to be anywhere near each other.  If we were staying in this game for any period of time, yes eventually our characters would probably become pals, but for now we are essentially strangers.

It’s strange, I know.  Just smile and nod.

The paperwork for our relocation came though, and Jack signed off on it.  Now the whole thing just has to get one more signature (from someone in Jack’s office, whom is in charge of such things) and it’s all set in stone for us.  That should happen today or tomorrow.  Either way, by Friday everyone in our family will know that we are moving, and the minor details should begin to solidify (the exact moving timeline, help with the kids and with packing, the actual crossing of the country, etc.)

There seems to be so much to do, in what feels like very little time, but I know it will all work out as it should.  It always does.

For the time being I am going to enjoy my visit with P.  Aiden and I have plans to go hiking on Friday.  I’m going to pack a picnic, and later in the evening we have a family dinner to attend (on his side) to celebrate Granny’s birthday.  Saturday is my tattoo appointment, and also Easter dinner here at Chez Gibson.  I think we are going to have turkey, with all of the excessive trimmings, since I didn’t go all out for Christmas and I am kind of in the mood to celebrate what with all the great news we’ve had around here lately.

That reminds me, I’d better plan to do some baking tomorrow.  Maybe I will post some photos of food, or my new bras or panties.  MAYBE.

I didn’t feel any weirdness while he was with P.  Ok maybe a twinge on Sunday, but I was also feeling generally over-sensitive because I was tired and my period is due immediately, so my hormones are out of whack, and I had to miss LARP while Aiden went with our friend Dex.  Still, when I thought of him and her together, particularly the thought of them having sex, I felt…nothing.  No angst, no guts turning over in my stomach.  If anything I was just happy that the two of them were able to spend some time together, since it’s difficult with the distance.

I’m not going to pretend that having Aiden here doesn’t make sharing Jack far easier for me.  While I do believe that I have grown as a person, particularly in poly, and that I have worked though much of my jealousy and insecurity in relation to Jack, it’s more fun to share when one still has a warm body to curl up with at night.

As an added benefit, Jack found it easier to relax and enjoy his time with P knowing that I had Aiden here to keep me company, and to help me work through any uncomfortable feelings that may have cropped up.  It’s all win

The lovely P is already booking a trip out here (hopefully for Easter, for two weeks!!!) and I.CANNOT.WAIT to see her  It has been far, far too long since she and I were able to hang out.  Maybe we can collectively lure her into moving out to Ontario once she is finished school  There is still an extra bedroom in the house, hee hee.

This week and the coming weekend promises to be quite busy.  This afternoon I had a blood donation appointment, my fourth successful donation.  Afterwards I stopped by my favorite tattoo studio and booked an appointment for some new ink at the beginning of April.  It’s been almost three years since my last tattoo and I’ve been itching for a third for ages.  I’m pretty excited about it

Aiden and I are planning on attending the kink munch in our city this evening, which will be a nice opportunity to catch up with everyone.

This weekend we have plans with G and S of Horny Geek, which I am looking forward to.  I assume a lot of our conversation will revolve around LARP or kink (or both at the same time!) but I’m sure you expected as much.  At some point we are going to visit Aiden’s mum and dad as well, and tidy up the house, and likely work on some other projects.

I’m currently plowing my way through a copy of “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage” and while the subtitle does seem a tad laughable, all things considered, it’s actually filled with fantastic advice about negotiating your respective needs with a partner.  Most of the conflicts that occur between Jack and I, and Aiden and I, center around one or more of our individual needs not being met, and even if this particular book is heavy on the monogamy, they at least acknowledge that it is totally possible and not unexpected to fall in love with more than one person at a time.  The copy I am reading actually belongs to Aiden’s mum, whom had lent it to him at some juncture in the past.  I want to return it to her this weekend, so that she can pass it on to someone else she knows that needs it, but I am thinking of picking up a copy of my own.  In case I don’t have time to cajole the boys into doing some of the writing and conversation exercises it recommends before Sunday.

More on the book, and some thoughts on getting your needs met while meeting the needs of multiple partners in poly relationships.  Even if some of the suggestions don’t work for our arrangement, at least they have inspired some thoughtful pondering that will hopefully result in a good post or two!

She and I had ONE rather explosive argument, that began with the laundry and ended with our respective shortcomings as participants in this parent/child relationship.  There were tears.  Indeed, I think she cried for over an hour.  When the dust settled we hugged and the visit proceeded quite well until her departure.

Before, during, and after her visit I experienced varying levels of anxiety.  Unfortunately a lot of that ended up being taken out unfairly on Aiden.  In his opinion, it seemed as though even the slightest annoyance became the end of the world.  Insignificant things, that I would normally dismiss easily, instead led to heated arguments.  We even had it out in Wal-Mart one evening.  How trailer park is that?

He isn’t perfect, mind you.  Miscommunication is a tough thing, and there are times when what Aiden thinks or means to say, and what actually comes out of his mouth, are two different things.  Subtlety is often lost on me, because I tend to take things too literally, and so while he was trying to communicate one thing, I was hearing something totally different, but neither of us realized that it was happening, and so there was no clarification.

I think an important exercise for us going forward is to practice “What I hear you saying is…” and then repeating back what we heard.  You would be surprised at how frequently what is intended and what is actually heard are two vastly different things.

It seemed like for days we went around and around the same topic, him trying to do what he thought I wanted, me being so totally absorbed in feeling pissed off and hurt that I missed his efforts completely.  Then he got angry because I had been beating him over the head all week with the SAME FREAKIN ISSUE, which only served to make me even MORE angry, until it all came to a head last night, when we actually had time together to really talk about what was going on.

After we talked I felt only marginally better, until I realized that I was holding onto being angry with him.  I am so bad for that, and I want to learn to let go.  Even now, when I think about the things that occurred that made me angry, I can feel that acidic sensation somewhere in my guts.  It’s like my brain hasn’t bothered to inform my emotions that we’ve worked it out, and some part of me is still letting the hurt fester in there.  It’s significantly lessened, but still it is in there, and if I indulge it, I am sure I can find all sorts of things to be angry about, but what purpose does that serve?

It feels like that is what I have been doing all week.  One specific thing had been bothering me for a while, but instead of really addressing it, I just let it sit there, and I fed it, and I looked for things that Aiden was doing wrong so that I could justify being upset with him, and I let it blind me completely to the fact that he was really trying to make me happy.

Why do I do that?  It feels so stupid when I look at it objectively.  I just wanted to stay pissed off it seems, maybe because then I had an outlet for the feelings I have towards my mother.  Or for whatever other things have been ruffling my feathers lately.

I’m not saying that none of my emotions were justified.  I think that my initial hurt was understandable, because at the center of all this angst is a relationship issue that we are dealing with, but by the time I brought it to Aiden’s attention and he started trying to fix it, I was already wrapped up in my angry little cocoon.  I left it go too long, and I stubbornly refused to really see things from his perspective, because then I would have to admit that I was being an unreasonable jackass.

Unfortunately, when I am hurting, my first reaction is to lash out at the other person.  I hurt Aiden’s feelings, more than once, and pushed him into a corner until he finally got angry.  I think I was sort of gunning for that, because if I pissed him off, and he fought back, then I could justify unloading on him.

I know, I throw up in my mouth a little just writing it.

Aiden’s anger, however, is fleeting.  He gets over things in a matter of minutes, and so fighting with him wasn’t particularly satisfying.

So we ended up talking into the wee hours of this morning.  He pointed out to me all of the ways that he has been attempting to improve the situation.  I had missed pretty much all of them, because I was upset, and because sometimes Aiden isn’t exactly as direct as he could be.  By the end I think we had worked out our communication issues, and hopefully we can avoid a repeat performance down the road.

Now I just need to really let go of feeling slighted.  When you carry on being angry for such an extended period of time, it can take a while to release all of that negativity, but I am working on it.

At least my mum won’t be back until the fall

Last night after we got the kids to bed she sat and chatted with me while I worked on Aiden’s chainmail (the green and black, shown below) and has offered her assistance in weaving it.  I was pleased that she appreciated my project, although I did tell her that I was getting paid to make it, and if there is anything that my mom can understand, it’s money.  Regardless, her enthusiasm and compliments on how beautiful it is were a welcome surprise.  I showed her the anklet I made for myself as well (the orange and silver piece) which she totally loved.

I wonder if she is setting out to kill me with kindness, because not only does she like the chainmail, she also supports my LARPing.  She asked plenty of questions about it and seemed genuinely interested.

“You know, you could have just taken up quilting if you needed a hobby.  I would have an easier time explaining it when I get home” she said, and we both laughed.  In fact we laughed a lot during our time together last night.  She kept me company while I built a LARP shield as well (oh the joys of putting together my first set of gear).  Her and Jack commentated on my skills with foam and duct tape, while we joked and had a good evening together.  She cleaned my kitchen, and I had the good sense not to object, and then offered to help with the shield too.  Could it be that she’s a little cooler than I give her credit for?

When it comes to the cleaning, as much as it bothers me to watch her do it, I have come to realize that it’s her way of showing me that she loves me.  When I make a big deal of keeping her from helping out, she takes it as rejection, and that causes strain.  As much as her way of doing some things offends my OCD, I am exercising my ability to gracefully accept that my mum needs to be able to DO things for me, so that she feels needed, and to express her affection.

When my shield was finished she even went so far as to call it awesome.  This morning when I was showing it to Aiden she teased him about having “shield-envy” because I made a better one than he did.  The three of us sat at the counter and had coffee together and talked, and I think that she likes Aiden enough, considering he’s a total stranger that she’s only just met.  I don’t think she suspects anything out of the ordinary at this point either, which is how I am hoping it will stay.

I’m sure it seems minimal to most of you, but she so rarely takes much of an interest in the things that I do, that I’m practically elated to have her be supportive of this.  Particularly because LARPing seems to carry kind of a negative stigma.

She still doesn’t care for my dogs, but at least she tolerates them well enough.  She hasn’t used that tone even once so far, and today I took her out shopping and she seemed pleased as punch to be spending some one on one time with me.  We had a good outing, and suddenly it doesn’t seem as though this week will stretch on for eternity.

I do miss Aiden a little bit.  By that I mean I miss being able to be affectionate with him.  We managed to sneak a few kisses today while mum was in the shower, but there was no cuddling, and I feel somewhat on guard when he is around, in case I slip up, or look at him too lovingly, or Gods know what else.  It’s kind of unfortunate, but hopefully we can remain inconspicuous for another six days.  On Saturday he and I are going to pick up as many of his remaining possessions as we can, so we will have a bit of alone time.  I’m looking forward to that, if only because I think taking small breaks from her will make it easier to keep things rolling smoothly.  Right now, for example, she is watching a movie with the kids, which is giving me some alone time for blogging.

As much as I was dreading her arrival, when she is acting so awesome, I can’t help but enjoy her company.  I am certain that the week will fly by, and as much as I love her, I will be just as happy to see her go so that we can get back to our own version of normalcy around here

My mother has been threatening…err, talking about coming out for a visit for several months now, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been so surprised when she phoned me last night to let me know that she was booking a flight.

A flight for next Wednesday.

And she’s not going home until the Wednesday after that.

A whole week.

With my mother.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry or just get so terribly drunk that I no longer care.

She knows that Aiden is living here by the way, under the guise of being our roommate of course.  Fortunately this does not seem particularly unusual to anyone, as we had V living with us for an entire year.  Everyone in my family (except my mum of course) thinks that it’s lovely that we have someone renting a room here, because they aren’t judgmental old fusspots.

It’s also fortunate I suppose that she’s coming during a time when we didn’t have anything special planned.

Less fortunately…well, there’s the fact that for an entire week Aiden and I are going to have to act as though we are merely acquaintances.  Any affection towards him on my part (or vice versa) will only serve to earn me a prolonged lecture on the finer points of behaving “properly”, and further fuel her feelings of utter failure as a parent.  That might not bother me so much if she didn’t channel all of that negativity into criticizing me, or my friends, or my parenting, or my choice of toilet paper.  If she can find fault with something, she is quick to point it out, with little to no regard for the feelings of others.

In a way, I am kind of excited for Aiden to meet one of my parents.   I just wish she wasn’t so…disapproving.  Of EVERYTHING!

When I told her that one of our friends had moved in, she got that tone.  The tone that she gets when she wants to convey to me (or anyone else) that she disagrees and STRONGLY DISAPPROVES of whatever it is I might be doing or saying, or even thinking about doing.

Then she remarked, in that tone, that having other people living here makes it hard for her to come and visit, because it’s uncomfortable.

HARD!

FOR HER!

Really, mother?  So we should never have people live here, because their presence offends you for the one week of the year that you darken our doorway?  How dare we be so inconsiderate of your comfort, to allow a NON-RELATIVE to stay under our roof.  The shame of it!

That’s exactly her attitude, and I’m not even using caps lock unnecessarily.  In fact, it is so necessary for me to talk VERY LOUDLY about my mother, that I debated writing this whole post in caps, just so that you could appreciate the magnitude of what I am dealing with here.

This is my mother, except minus all the cute.  And ramp up the disapproval about 700 notches.

Last night, after the phone call, Aiden and I were in the shower together, discussing the upcoming invasion…err, visit.

“Everybody got a good mother, except for me” I complained, resting my cheek against his chest.

I know it’s not true, but some days it seems like it.  V has a great mother, and so does Jack, and Aiden, and Nia, and most of the other people I know.  While I realize that none of them get along with their mothers 100% of the time, it does seem to me that in their adult years they have at least found a way to exist comfortably with one another.

My mother and I exist comfortably when she is 2,000 miles away.

I love my mum, honest I do.  I truly believe that she did the best she knew how when raising us, and that she went above and beyond the normal level of parental sacrifice to give us everything we needed, and often everything we wanted as well.  Some days she’s wonderful, and I greatly enjoy her company during those times.

I just wish she would understand that I am my own person, not a younger version of herself.  I think she knows it, but she doesn’t like or accept it.  She is so much like her own mother, and I am nothing like either of them, which makes her crazy.  She also hates that she and I are not best friends, but it’s impossible to have that level of trust with her because if she’s not criticizing whatever I happen to be sharing with her, she’s repeating everything I might tell her to the rest of our family!  She’s a terrible gossip, it’s one of her favorite past times.  Nothing is sacred if it’s uttered in her presence.  I’m sure that at least part of the reason she’s coming out here, is to find out who this person is who moved in with us, so that she can go back to Alberta and tell everyone else what she thinks about our living arrangements and choice of roommate.

During our brief exchange last night I mentioned that last time she was here, she seemed unhappy, which she immediately blamed on V.  Nothing is ever HER fault by the way.  Accountability?  Unheard of.

According to her, V was critical of the way she did things with the kids, and didn’t give us five minutes alone to visit.  Meanwhile, V spent most of her time in the basement, and only joined us for ONE outing the entire week that my mother was here.  She was NOT critical of the way my mother did things with the kids, and merely attempted to explain to my mother that we have certain routines and methods of doing things.  V was friendly and respectful about it, but since we don’t do things her way, she was deeply offended.  Sadly, my mum has disliked V since we were young, over an insignificant incident that occurred when we were merely 18.

Have I mentioned that my mother likes to hold a grudge?  FOREVER!?!?!?

V merely supported me during my application to obtain information on my birth parents (and joined me for the subsequent first meeting I had with my biological mother).  I didn’t involve my mum in the process at all, because I was an adult and felt that I needed to do this more or less on my own.  I doubt she will ever get over being excluded from it all, but rather than talk to me about it or place the blame where it belongs, she decided that it was all V’s fault and hasn’t cared for her since.

Over ten years and she hasn’t let it go, and she told me as much two summers ago when V was preparing to move out here.

She really loathes that I don’t include her in all major life decisions by the way.  She gets pissed off when she doesn’t get to decide how long we stay during the summer, or during which month we come to visit.  She hates that we decided to move out here without consulting her, and complains to my aunts that she “never would have done that to her kids or to her family”.  The list of things I’ve done that she disagrees with is loooooooong, but that should give you the gist of my most recent failings.

I could put up with most of those things, and even her personal attacks on my for my weight or tattoos or choice of hair style, if it were not for the fact that she seems to have a huge problem with Jack.

She is pleasant enough to his face, but as I live in a family full of gossips, I am privy to the things she says about him behind my back.

Like V, Jack did something that made her feel slighted, and she has never gotten over it.  This happened almost eight years ago of course, right after the birth of our first child.  She had come to stay with us when we brought Luke home, and being the overbearing bossy-pants that she is, she proceeded to try to railroad me into doing everything the way SHE thinks it should be done.  Now being a terrified 19-year old new mom, I didn’t want to argue with her, but Jack wouldn’t put up with it, and basically told her to back off a little, and that we needed to figure things out for ourselves, and so she left, with a huff, claiming she felt unwelcome.

And she’s never let it go.  I don’t think she really knows how.  She has passed judgement over Jack, and myself, and our marriage, ever since.

I have it from good authority that she disapproves of he and I having single friends.  She thinks I spend too much time gallivanting around, and how dare I have a life of my own.  It’s shameful, apparently, that I have friends or that I have interests aside from child rearing.  She believes that Jack and I should only associate with other couples.  Not just any other couples mind you, but couples with children.  Couples who are good Catholics (Christians will do in a pinch).  He and I should never do anything social separately, in her opinion, because that could possibly lead us to INFIDELITY!

A part of me wants so badly to tell her that it’s too late for that, heh.

“Are you really honestly happy?” she asked me one night, in such a way that I knew she was implying that my marriage might be in the toilet.  I had just come in after being out with some friends from high school, that I had run into while visiting her during the summer.  You see, even though I was 26, it was vastly inappropriate for me to be out late in mixed company.  She had called my phone and told me to “get home, NOW” and I had no choice but to comply, as she was babysitting the kids for me and I didn’t want to argue with her at that hour.  When I came in she was waiting for me, and she began grilling me at length, like I was 17 again and had rolled in late for curfew.

No, I didn’t take it like a bitch, I told her that I was an adult and that she needed to back off about ten paces, and that if it was an issue of my leaving the kids with her that had her so upset, I would gladly take them elsewhere to be babysat so that I could have five minutes to myself.  I wasn’t trying to threaten her, but I wasn’t going to put up with her bullshit either.  She shut up, and then asked me if I was happy.  She asked in such a way that it was obvious she really meant “Are you happy in your marriage?” and I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that of course I was, and then I went to bed.

In her defense, she had every right to be suspicious.  Less than an hour before this conversation occurred I was rolling around in bed with a guy I hadn’t seen since grade 12, whom I had always been interested in, and whom had always been interested in me.  We’d never gotten together because one of us was always dating someone.

That fact, however, did not negate me being happy in my marriage.

I can only speculate on what she will assume after spending a week here.  Aiden and I will do our best to remain inconspicuous.  Who knows how successful we will be.  If she corners me, I think rather than lie I will simply tell her not to ask questions unless she is certain that wants the answer.  Or perhaps I will just come right out of the poly closet and then she will really have something to gossip about when she gets home.

</Rant>

Thank you for bearing with me.  I really needed to unload, to get out all of the negative feelings towards my mum, and hopefully mentally prepare myself for her visit.

I want to assure you all now that Jack had just as much input as Aiden and I, when it came to the contract.  He read the drafts and requested additions/subtractions as he saw fit.  Aiden and I both felt (and still feel) that although the contract is technically between him and I, that it affects Jack just as much, if not more so, and that his feelings on the matter would be of the utmost importance.

Currently the contract is up for renewal, however with Aiden just beginning a new job and settling in here with us, we’ve postponed renegotiating it for the time being.  When we do, Jack will again be asked to contribute his thoughts and feelings on how the trial period went, and what changes he would like to see, if any.  It’s obviously very important that we are all on the same page when it comes to where the boundaries lie, and what is and is not ok.

Sometimes Jack disagrees with the way in which Aiden and I conduct our relationship.  I won’t speak on his behalf, but for example there was one day when I had been feeling off, or at least more moody and emotional than usual, and I had a punishment coming to me for some infractions in the days prior.  Jack found it difficult to understand why Aiden would follow through with punishing me when he knew I was having a really shitty day, as he is more inclined to coddle and snuggle me when I’m not feeling like myself.

We talked about it, and I did my best to reassure him that not only was the punishment well earned on my part, but that it was important for Aiden to follow though on these things because otherwise it would be difficult for me to take him seriously as my Master.  Consistency is important, especially in the beginning, and despite feeling really terrible, I knew that and accepted it, although perhaps not as gracefully as I could have.

Jack gets it on a rational level, it’s just not his way.  Regardless, he did not interfere, and I believe that he does trust Aiden to look out for my best interests.  He knows that while I can be submissive, I am not passive, and that if I am really having an issue, I won’t hesitate to make it known.

Aiden isn’t really that inclined to order me around a lot either.  There are certain expectations when it comes to my behavior, which I am aware of.  Rather than ordering me to do something, he prefers to ASK that I do it, which leaves the onus on me to obey.  This may seem contradictory to the entire Master/slave relationship, but Aiden prefers that I not become the type to mindlessly follow orders, and would rather that I behave because I’ve made the choice to do so.  It’s kind of difficult for me to put into words, but by leaving me at least the illusion of a choice, I confirm my submission to him every time I do as I am asked.

There are times when Jack is resentful that I will do things for Aiden without argument, when I won’t necessarily do those things for him so willingly.  It’s not that I am intentionally being disagreeable, or dismissive of Jack, it’s just the difference in how our respective relationships are negotiated.  While it sometimes bothers him, there are also times when he uses it to his advantage.  He does enjoy the perks of the house being tidy more often than not, and of tasks being completed in a more timely manner.  When he points out to me specific things that I do more willingly for Aiden, I do make a note of it and then put more of a conscious effort into doing said thing for Jack without a ton of objections.

Division of time is perhaps the most difficult aspect of co-habitating.  While Aiden was looking for work, he and I were able to spend every day together.  Obviously Jack and I don’t often enjoy that luxury.  Now that Aiden is working again, things should be a little more fair.  Divvying up the weekends can be difficult, between LARP and kink events and other social engagements, I could be gone almost constantly, but that would be terribly unfair for Jack and the kids.  So we work at balancing.  I make sure to give Jack as much notice as possible regarding plans or events I would like to attend, and then we negotiate how to make the most of our time in a way that is workable for everyone.  This past weekend, for example, I spent most of Saturday with Jack and the kids, and Aiden went for lunch with some friends.  Saturday evening Aiden and I attended a birthday party, and got home quite late.  Sunday morning Aiden went to visit his parents, and afterwards to LARP, and I skipped LARP and spent the whole of Sunday at home with Jack and the young ones.

This coming weekend, Aiden will be out on Friday night until the wee hours I imagine, as he has plans in the city with his pals.  On Saturday he and I are going to drive out to his parents place, to celebrate his birthday with them and his siblings.  On Sunday Aiden is going to watch the kids for a while so that Jack and I can go out for V-Day brunch, and that evening we are all going to hang out and have fondue to celebrate as a group.  Monday will also be spent at home, celebrating Aiden’s birthday for a second time, as a family.

Those are just some examples of what our weekends look like around here.  Some are more low-key than others, but our schedules are generally crazy, LOL.  Fortunately I’m a planner, and both Aiden and Jack generally leave it up to me to keep track of our respective social engagements and to give them each adequate notice regarding what we are doing at any given time.  Slaves are really just glorified personal assistants with better perks, after all

When something isn’t really working for Jack, in terms of time or my relationship with Aiden, he’s really good about letting me know so that we can discuss it and make adjustments.  As long as the lines of communication remain open, we can generally find a workable solution that makes everyone happy.

Thank you again for the question(s) Tonya.  I hope you guys will keep them coming, if you are curious or require clarification on anything.  Please don’t be shy

I can be physically vulnerable, that doesn’t scare me at all, but when it comes to talking about my feelings, or God forbid, crying in front of him (the HORRORS!) I would rather eat a pail of sand.

I’ve always had kind of a hang up about crying in front of people.  My family really frowned on the shedding of tears, even during moments when it seemed like the appropriate response.  I very clearly remember my mother and my great aunt discouraging me from crying at my great-grandmothers funeral (she and I were very close and it was a terrible loss).  It struck me as odd at the time, and in the weeks after, but looking back on it, that was just the way my family has always been.  Crying was associated with being emotional and weak.  We (my siblings were no exception) were expected to hold ourselves together and be rational.  Even now, most of my family members will become extremely uncomfortable and change the subject if I attempt anything more than superficial conversation with them.  Feelings are private and should stay that way, period.  My grandfather, who was and continues to be like a father to me, and whom has always treated me like his favorite, used to always tell us to “toughen up” if we were hurt or sad over something.  I don’t think he was trying to be callous, I think he was passing on what he had always been taught, and doing it to prepare us for the harshness of life later on.

Anyway, I can’t blame it all on my family, but that early conditioning does not make it easy for me to be forthcoming with my feelings.

Often when I feel wounded enough that I cannot suppress the tears, I will hide somewhere to have a moment with myself.  If I can’t manage that I will avoid eye contact with whomever happens to be present until I can compose myself.  I know at times it has driven those closest to me a little crazy.  One afternoon, not really that long ago, I was driving somewhere with V and we were discussing something painful for me, and she could see that I was doing everything possible not to lose my shit right in front of her.

“It’s ok to let it out you know” she said, slightly exasperated.  After being my best friend for over a decade, I think it still irritates her that I can’t just let it go.  In my defense, I’ve gotten better, but I still don’t think my ability to talk about or express emotions is the same as most peoples.

The first time I cried in front of Aiden, it was during a scene, a punishment actually.  In fact, that’s the ONLY time I can cry in front of him, even though there have been times when I felt the urge while we were not playing.  Even though I still hate when it happens, and I feel intensely uncomfortable, I can’t seem to turn it off.

Most recently, he was punishing me after I’d been completely out of line for the better part of two weeks.  I did not take my punishment gracefully, and in fact I struggled and resisted until finally it seemed wiser to just give up and take what was coming to me.  That bothers me, that I didn’t really surrender, I just felt defeated, which is not the same thing.  That, perhaps, is a topic for another day.

At any rate, he punished me, and though it wasn’t particularly harsh, I felt exceptionally emotional.  When it was over, I cried, with my head in his lap, while he rubbed my back and praised me and told me to let it all out.  He called me his good girl and although I still felt stupid and embarrassed,  his response was supportive and considerate of my feelings, which made it slightly less horrifying for me.

I hate it sometimes that it has to be so hard for me to just let it go.  I want to be open with my feelings, but I suppose I am afraid.  I am afraid of how Aiden will react, or that I will be further wounded, or that I will say the wrong thing.  We haven’t gotten to the point where I trust that no matter what he might say, he’s coming from love.  It takes a long time for me to get there (I think I am currently averaging around six years to get to that point with people.  Just ask V and Jack, heh).  It’s not fair though, and at some point I am going to have to stop being so guarded and defensive and just trust that he loves me and that he won’t intentionally hurt me.  I would say that nine times out of ten, when we are at odds with each other, it is due to the fact that I haven’t been open about my feelings, and that I have made assumptions about him, or expected him to read my mind.

It seems ridiculous to me that I can’t just say what I feel or acknowledge and embrace my emotions, no matter what they might be.  It’s easy to tell myself that nothing truly horrible will happen, and that likely my being forthcoming will only lead to Aiden and I having a closer relationship, but in the moment it’s difficult to remind myself of that.  In the moment I just want to avoid having to talk about it.

The progress is slow, but I think that things are getting better.  Aiden has a good deal of patience, but I don’t really want to push it all the way to its limits.

In response to my previous post, Perakath remarked:

I feel a bit bad for Jack! Is he really okay with it all?

I left it sit for a while, because Jack intended to respond personally (and he still might) but being me, I have a few things to say on the matter, and some additional comments on how the co-habitation is progressing.

Over the weekend Jack and I had the opportunity to go out for dinner together while Aiden supervised the younglings.  As often happens, the conversation turned to our current state of affairs, and I asked Jack if he ever imagined that we would end up in a poly living arrangement like this.  I don’t think either of us ever really thought that we would get to this point.  When I really stop myself to think about it, it seems not only strange but bordering on insanity, which is perhaps why it works.

The short answer is, yes Jack really is ok with it all.

Having Aiden living here is not without it’s perks for him.  Another adult to ride herd over the children is always welcome, not to mention that fact that Jack and I have been able to spend some desperately-needed alone time together out of the house.  Aiden pitches in with the housework and contributes to the grocery bills, and he keeps me on task when it comes to getting things done.

It’s not perfect and it’s not always awesome and I don’t expect that it will ever be just right.  Jack is sometimes resentful of the amount of time I presently get to spend with Aiden, although that is bound to change rather immediately, as there is progress on the job front.  Sometimes one of them has a shitty day and could probably use a warm body to cuddle up with that night, but it’s not their turn (that’s actually already happened to both of them at least once).  I feel like when that happens it might be understandable for the one in need to approach the other and ask to switch nights, but that is up to their own discretion.  Maybe we need to add that to the discussion topics for the next family meeting.  There are days when I am in a mood and I think they might BOTH like to throttle me.  Aiden and I have had our share of disagreements.  My stubbornness frustrates him to no end, and we piss each other off fairly regularly, but it never really lasts long.  He’s not one to let things sit un-mended and while I’m not particularly cooperative much of the time, our communication with each other seems to be improving.

Speaking of switching nights and sleeping arrangements, starting tomorrow we are going to try out a 3-night rotation, due to the fact that changing beds every night is very disruptive to all of our sleeping patterns.  Hopefully that will work out a little better for everyone, but only time will tell.

There are also funny little insignificant aspects of this arrangement that one never really considers until they come up.  Such as having to keep a spare toothbrush in Aiden’s bathroom so that I don’t have to go all the way up to the Master bathroom to brush my teeth before bed and in the morning.  I’ve also come to realize that it is essential to keep at least one change of clothes in Aiden’s bedroom, because sometimes I’m already naked before I get down there at night and then I have nothing to put on in the morning when I get up with the children.

Jack and Aiden also have vastly different morning routines, which means I have a different morning routine, depending on where I am waking up.  Jack likes to hit the snooze button half a dozen times and get up very gradually, while Aiden’s alarm causes him to jump three feet straight into the air, and then out of bed.  On the weekends they both like to sleep in a little, although Jack more so than Aiden.  Fortunately they both like cuddling, and Aiden has begun allowing for snuggle time in the mornings before he has to get out of bed or he knows I will be owly all day

Hopefully Jack will get around to commenting and share his own thoughts and feelings on the current living arrangement but I think for the most part we are all pretty content with how things are progressing thus far.  Please don’t hesitate to ask questions if you are curious, someone will take the time to answer them sooner or later

While we were in town we had dinner with his parents, and he let them know that he is moving in with me.  They weren’t exactly surprised, since he forewarned them in October that he was looking for a job where I live.  I think that they like me enough that they don’t really mind him moving over an hour away, especially since they know we will visit as often as we can.

During the course of the conversation, Aiden’s mum mentioned us bringing the kids over for a visit sometime in the future.  His parents are aware of the kids, but they think I’m divorced, and don’t know that I live with anyone.  I expected that at some point they would want to meet my children, but I’m not really certain how to handle that situation.  Aiden just wants to roll with it and see how it goes.  If the kids make any remarks that raise questions, he will handle them, but I’m not a fan of being put on the spot.  More on that when it happens.

It’s been nice having Aiden around all the time.  We still have to move the bulk of his stuff, and his room is a disaster, but there really isn’t any rush.  He has until the end of February to relocate all of his possessions.  Transitions are never perfect of course, and we’ve rubbed each other the wrong way a couple of times already, but co-habitating with a new person always requires an adjustment process.  We are still working out some of the minor details, like where I spend the night.  The current sleeping schedule is alternating nights, which we are trying out for the time being, and if that doesn’t work I think we’ll try a 3-and-3 rotation.

The kids are quite thrilled that Aiden is here to stay, although they are slowly learning that while he’s super fun, he also won’t put up with disrespect or misbehaviour on their part.  He doesn’t mind babysitting either, which has allowed Jack and I to go out on a date, for the first time in ages.

In the chaos of moving and car shopping and all manner of other craziness we’ve been up to, the Dom/sub aspect of our relationship has been pushed onto the back burner, although I doubt that will last long.  Our contract comes up for renewal on February 4th, so more on that as we work out details and adjustments.

For now we are just getting into a reasonable routine and rhythm with an extra body in the house.  Much, much more to come on how exactly it’s all working out.

• Metal shoehorns will leave bruises with hardly any effort at all

• People get kind of excited when you serve Cornish hens and leave them whole.  Like “We get a WHOLE bird?  Each?”

• Kolach, while the most beautiful of breads, is less like bread and more like a giant pretzel

• Even candles that are 100% paraffin wax are sometimes still too hot for wax play

• You have to start really early in the morning to watch all six Star Wars movies in one day

• If you push hard enough on a Wartenberg wheel, it will totally draw blood

• My kids know that babies come out of the vagina, but have no idea what butter is

As you can see, we had no shortage of fun around here.

Our Ukrainian Christmas celebration on Friday night was a wonderful success.  Nia and Muse were able to join us for dinner, and the five of us enjoyed the meal at a leisurely pace.  The kutia, although kind of strange looking, was really tasty.

Making traditional Ukrainian Christmas bread was probably my favorite part of all the preparation, and it allowed me to cross something off of my list.

109. Bake homemade bread

It turned out beautifully, and although it does take a bit of time, making bread from scratch without any assistance is really satisfying.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get around to making fudge over the weekend, but there is always this coming weekend.  We were short on both time and snow, but it’s not the end of the world.

On Saturday morning I got up and left Jack to sleep in.  After feeding the kids and the dogs, I made coffee for Aiden and myself and took it down to his room to wake him.  He’s generally not much for mornings, so I crawled into bed beside him for a cuddle, and tried my best to suppress my obnoxious “IT’S MORNING!!! THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF DAY EVAR!” attitude.

We snuggled, and then we started kissing.  We hadn’t seen each other all week, and due to having company and dinner the night before, we hadn’t really spent any time alone together.  Aiden normally doesn’t wake up “in the mood” so I was kind of surprised, in the best sort of way, when kissing led to him pulling my pajamas off while I stroked his cock under the covers.

I took him in my mouth for a few moments while his fingers were between my thighs.  His cock was incredibly hard, and I was aching for it, so I begged him to fuck me.

When he slid into my pussy my breath caught in my throat.  I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer, so that his pubic bone was rubbing against my clit with each thrust.

It felt like we hadn’t been together in ages.  Everything but our panting, and the feel of his skin on mine just sort of faded into the background.

I bit down on his shoulder to keep from whimpering too loudly while he fucked me, until he groaned into my ear and I felt his cock twitch in my pussy while he came.

We cuddled a while longer, and drank our coffee, and then got up and put some clothes on before heading upstairs.  Jack got up too and I made breakfast, and we all ate together before Aiden and I headed out to run some errands.

While we were out we got Aiden’s passport photos done and then we stopped at this weird little store in search of a curved barbell for his PA piercing, which we found.  We also found a set of metal thumbcuffs there, which Aiden decided he should have, LOL.  We haven’t had a chance to try them yet, but I’m looking forward to it.

In the afternoon we all settled in to watch the Star Wars movies.  Unfortunately we started way too late in the day to watch all six of them.  The kids were up for the first two, and then they went to bed.  Aiden and I watched the third one with Jack and then we begged off to play a little before bed.

There was flogging and then a little strapping and then a lovely massage followed by a bit of wax play that unfortunately had to end quite prematurely as these are really not suitable for such applications.

After he had scraped off the worst of the wax with a knife, I had a quick shower and then returned to his room for snuggling and a bit of fooling around that ended with him coming on my face.  As tempted as I was to shower for a THIRD time that day, I was tired, and so excused myself to wash my face and then we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep.

Sunday morning came far too early.  I got up before either Jack or Aiden, fed children and hounds, and then made coffee and went back downstairs.  Aiden and I cuddled a little and then drank our coffee and got up for the day.

Breakfast was made once Jack was up, and then we watched Mantracker (such a good show!) before Aiden and I planned to leave for his place.

When we got into town we went to his place, and I tried to coax Tank to eat one of the mice that is currently living with him.  Stubborn little shit wouldn’t eat though, even as I herded the mice towards him and they crawled over his head.  I really do need to remember to take my camera one of these days to get some pictures of him.  Apparently at some point yesterday he killed one of the mice but didn’t even eat it.  He’s kind of a strange snake.

Aiden called his mom and she invited us over for dinner, and since we hadn’t really made any firm plans yet, we went over and had chili (it was delicious) and visited for almost three hours.

Then we picked up some groceries, and went back to his house to hang out until I had to leave.  I changed his PA jewelry for him, and this barbell isn’t really the answer, but it will do until something more suitable can be found.  Then we crawled into bed and cuddled, which somehow led to him fucking me with something like this until I thought I might make a terrible mess all over his bed.  Unfortunately being too concerned about the mess prevented that from happening, but I did have such an intense orgasm that my abdominal muscles were sore the next day.  After I had recovered, I sucked his cock until he came in my mouth, and then we cuddled for a few more minutes until I had to go.

All in all it was a really good weekend.  I’m looking forward to this coming weekend as well, since Aiden and I are going to a play party, and I have plans with friends, and Jack and I are going out on Sunday to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

It’s difficult to believe that January is already almost half over!