I hope you never think that your kids would be better off with someone else, someone who can give them the best of everything, because you failed them.  Because you failed yourself. 

I hope you never have to hear your parents tell you how ashamed they are of you.  Or what a disappointment you’ve become. 

I hope you never have to feel as scared and alone and hopeless as I have.

I hope you really appreciate your good job and having a great education.  It’s no small accomplishment earning a degree and amassing 15 years of experience in your field.  I don’t have either of those things and it makes life more difficult than you can imagine.

I hope you never have to struggle to find a decent job.

I hope you never have to give up everything in order to support someone else’s dreams and goals.

I hope you never lose your way.

I hope that you never have to chose between buying something that you really need or spending that money on something fun for your kids.

I hope that you can always afford to take them on trips, to the movies, and out for meals.

I hope you never have to worry about how you will keep a roof over your kids heads. 

I hope you never have to wonder how you are going to afford groceries AND gas for the week.

I hope you continue to be successful.

Most of all, I hope that you find some happiness again.

Aiden has moved out, and now I divide my time between his place and what now feels like Jack’s house.  My schedule generally involves work, picking up the kids from school, doing homework with them, making them supper, eventually tucking them in, and then going to Aiden’s to make my lunch for the following day, throw in some laundry, take a shower, and then head to bed.  Weekends are a little less repetitive, but we haven’t yet worked out a rotation of who-has-the-kids.

I changed positions at work, and moved into a full-time spot (I was part-time previously).  Aiden is no longer my supervisor, which is perhaps for the best.  I think I will really like my new department, and my new supervisor is extremely trusting in my ability to get things done with minimal input from himself, which I like.  Full-time also means more money in the bank, which is important now that I actually have to support myself for the first time in almost a decade.

It’s terrifying and hard and depressing, but it’s also sort of liberating and satisfying at the same time.  When Jack and I were first together I struggled with feeling like I didn’t really contribute because I didn’t work or pay the bills.  I was resentful, off and on, of giving up any hopes of a career while raising younglings.  Yes, I worked some over the years, and for a while I had that same liberated, satisfied feeling.

It’s strange and sometimes uncomfortable to have to operate within a rather restricted budget (hopefully only for the time being, until better employment comes along for either Aiden or myself).  I became accustomed to a rather cushy lifestyle, and although I still retain ownership over a vast number of objects, I no longer enjoy the luxury of things like eating out, purchasing clothing or other extras on a whim, or driving hither and yon with no thought to how much gas I might be burning.

While there are times when it’s difficult and aggravating, I’ve also come to appreciate the finer things in life in a way I haven’t in many years.  When I *do* get to eat out, I don’t take it for granted.  I make more conscious choices when it comes to where I spend my grocery money (which is not only beneficial to my wallet, but my waistline).  I don’t waste money on frivolous items that serve no real purpose.  I’ve learned better methods of managing money, keeping a written budget, and saving for things I want rather than just buying them immediately.  It certainly ensures that I prioritize.

I read an article sometime ago regarding ones satisfaction level when something, like a vacation, had to be scrimped and saved for, rather than paid for with little to no impact to ones finances.  Apparently many people report feeling a greater sense of enjoyment and satisfaction when their trip had to be earned and planned for over a period of time, as opposed to those who could afford to travel on a whim.  I have no idea if that’s true for everyone, but I am beginning to understand what they meant.  I’ve only been living on a reduced budget for a month and some, but my perspective is changing.

Jack and I continue to struggle with relating to each other, and keeping things civil.  It seems as though we rotate between good days, bad days, and days when I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.  Our trust in each other has been eroded to the point where neither of us feel that we can put much stock in the other.  I hope that changes with time.  It’s difficult to endure what I perceive as his intense dislike for me, and I am certain it is just as difficult for him.  There are times when I look at him, and I’m not even certain that I know him at all.

Separation changes people.

We’ve become bitter and filled with resentment and anger.  There are times when we have been so truly ugly towards each other, I’m not sure I recognize either of us anymore.  I’ve been cruel and malicious in ways that I wouldn’t dream of inflicting on my worst enemy, let alone a man that I once loved more than anything.  It never begins that way, but it seems as though when conflict arrives, rather than acting as sensible adults, we are reduced to rabid, snarling animals.

I want so badly for us to be able to work together, for the benefit of our children, who are totally innocent in all of this.  I hope that we can come to some sort of understanding, and move forward in a more positive way.

For the time being, it feels dangerous to hope for anything beyond good days eventually outnumbering the bad ones.

I don’t think that I have it in me to continue tweeting, and now that I’ve been away from it for over a week, there is no real draw to return.

As for this blog, I don’t think that I will take it down, although the domain comes up for renewal in May and I am not yet entirely sure if I can afford to keep it going.  I suspect that I shall renew it for another year, and then see if I use it before letting it expire.

The content herein could still prove useful to some, and so rather than allowing it to vanish into oblivion, I shall likely export it to a free host (WordPress) and then leave it be.

I don’t know, maybe I will take it up again.  Right now it seems pointless due to the fact that I feel uncomfortable writing about my feelings for fear of inciting conflict over here in my “real life”.  Things are extremely sensitive in this house, as Jack and I struggle to discuss and compromise with each other and avoid all of the venom and spite that leaks out with unfortunate regularity.

Just to give a brief update, last night Aiden put down a damage deposit and paid his first month’s rent on his own place.  He will be moving out over the first part of March.

Today Jack is going to visit his family and tell them what is going on.  My family will likely have to wait until next weekend as I am working full time these days in order to pay all of my own bills, and I don’t get a lot of days off.

I already came out to my aunt, who is my closest family member.  Apparently she already suspected, as do my parents, that we have some sort of an open relationship.  She was surprisingly calm and extremely supportive, although I could tell that she was struggling some with the reality of the situation.  It was weird but also liberating to just be honest about everything.  I am not sure that it’s the best course of action when it comes to my mum and dad, but it’s rather nice that at least one more person knows the facts of the matter.

At any rate, I may continue to update sporadically, or as time and consideration for others allow.  I really do wish that I could share more, but for now it’s better not to.

The fact of the matter is that Jack and I are separating.

Despite outward appearances and the timing of everything, this actually has almost nothing to do with Aiden, and Jack will attest to that if you had the opportunity to ask him.

Currently I have moved into my own room, and we are gradually untangling the finances and discussing the future of the children.  There is plenty of pain and sadness to go around, but we are doing our best to keep things extremely amicable.

I understand that people will have their opinions, and rather than locking the comments, I’ve decided to brace myself and leave them open.  I hope that if you chose to remark, you will remind yourself that this blog is only a glimpse into our reality, and that behind it all we are real people, with complicated lives.

As things are rather raw, I likely will not share anything more detailed until the dust has settled.  For now, I simply take each moment as it comes, and do my best to remain true to myself.

It saddens me just to type it, and I toiled with the idea of saying anything here at all, due to the fear that someone will feel blamed or painted as the villain.  However, I promised myself that I would do what I could to detail our relationship as it went along, and although I know I haven’t done that to the fullest extent possible, this happens to be rather pivotal.

When it comes right down to it, Jack came to feel that he and Aiden could no longer live under the same roof.  The reasons for that are…complicated, and I am reluctant to comment on them, as we are all rather wounded and I don’t care to rub salt on anyone.

It feels like a massive personal failure, but I must remind myself that failure is subjective, and that perhaps all of this is the catalyst for something greater.  We made a good go of it, and now we are moving forward in a different direction.

What will become of us, you might wonder?

Thus far the plan is that Aiden will have three more months with us, during which he will be able to save up to get his own apartment.  At that time he will move out, and I will spend half of my time at his place, and half of my time here with Jack, and the children will also spend time at each residence.

Unfortunately, it has been left entirely up to me as to how I divide my time.  This task becomes daunting in the face of taking on more hours at my job, and while attempting to keep everyone involved happy.  I say it’s unfortunate only in that it feels as though the happiness of three different people rests on my shoulders alone, which is a heavy burden to bear.

The future is murky.  I don’t consider this any indication that poly is unmanageable, only that for the three of us, co-habitation is (at present) not agreeable for all those involved.

I will admit that I am struggling with feelings of resentment, and anger, and pain.  Some of them are not caused by the current circumstances, but simply aggravated by it.  Like opening up old wounds, to bleed along with the new.  In attempting to contain them, it would seem that I am simply becoming cool, withdrawn, and emotionally disinterested.  That sucks, but it’s the way I roll at the moment.

There could be more on this, maybe once I feel less raw, but for now we are simply picking up the pieces and attempting to rearrange them in a way that is more satisfactory for everyone.

On the 3rd, we went to my mum’s where I spent a couple of days recovering, before finally getting home last night.  It was so lovely to sleep in a familiar bed, with company, while not feeling like some hideous mucous monster was going to explode out of my face.  I had a solid, although rather brief sleep.

Now that I feel (almost totally) healthy again, I can get back to making the most of this brand new year!  Lots of great things in store for us.

On Monday Jack and I are kicking off a fitness challenge, competing against each other to see who can lose a higher percent of body mass (not number of pounds).  My mum got us a Wii Fit and The Biggest Loser program with it, and we are doing a 12 week challenge to see who can get fittest first.  The winner gets a $500 prize, to spend on whatever they want (I plan to take a shopping spree at Mountain Equipment Co-op).  We are both REALLY excited!  I plan to kick his ass via a combination of healthy eating, hitting the gym, and a lot of outdoors activities.  I will be posting periodic updates on that I am sure, and of course, at the end of the 12 weeks, I will happily gloat about winning (hee hee).

Speaking of outdoors activities, this weekend I am putting together a little tobogganing party on Saturday afternoon.  It’s P’s birthday tomorrow, so we are sort of incorporating that in as part of the festivities.  Hot chocolate, cupcakes, and sliding down a hill sounds like a great way to spend a day.  Maybe afterwards we will all grab an early dinner out somewhere.

Later this month Jack and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary (10th year together) and all of the planning has been left up to him, so I am completely in the dark as to what we are doing, but I am excited about the surprise.

I’m planning to get in some snowshoeing this month, and also I’m on the hunt for a new job!  It will be nice to work out of the house again, and I want to be able to save up some money for University, and a few other exciting possibilities that are on the horizon.  I overhauled my resume while I was visiting my family, and this evening I plan on applying to some jobs online, and tomorrow I hope to get out and drop off applications.

2011 is looking SO exciting!  I don’t really make NY resolutions, but a few items I’m hoping to cross off my Life List this year include:

24. Take belly-dancing lessons

41. Take tango lessons

80. Play paintball

116. Eat at the revolving restaurant in the Calgary Tower

325. Make beef jerky from scratch

382. Make a scrapbook for someone as a gift

396. Go back to school

434. Make bannok

447. Ride The Mindbender at West Edmonton Mall

519. Camp in the winter

I love the feeling of a fresh year and a fresh start.  Here’s to another great year!

The past 12 months have seen Aiden move in with us and become a part of our family.  Then there was another move of epic proportions, taking all five of us, and the two dogs, over 2,000 miles back across the country.  Back to Calgary and to all of our friends and family here.

There has been much joy, laughter, and so, SO much love.  There has also been pain and stress and tears and moments where it felt as though we were going to rip each other to shreds.  Yes, there is always some darkness, but mostly there has been intense happiness.

I’ve renewed friendships, and made a couple of new ones.  I’ve crossed at least a dozen items from my Life List, pushed myself to the limits of what I thought I was capable of, and grown as a person. I’ve found myself, lost myself, and found myself again.

Recently I applied for University in Calgary.  I haven’t been a student in over a decade, but the prospect of returning to school is thrilling and terrifying all at once.  My return to school (and increased absence from home) is liable to rock the boat in a significant way, but we shan’t have to deal with that until well into next year.  I know that we shall pull together, as we always do, and make it work.

It’s been a year of change, as most of them are, but this one particularly so.  I feel stronger, physically and mentally, than I have in years prior, and that makes the struggle worth it in the end.  I want that trend to continue into the new year.  I want to keep getting better, as a person, and as a partner, and as a mother.

I want to reinvent myself over and over, and come out the better for it.

I’m still experimenting and tweaking my diet (and by diet I mean eating habits) in order to gain the approval of my colon.  There have been good days and bad days, but for the most part, I am only going once or twice a day, which is a huge improvement.  I’ve eliminated all refined grains, and cut out as many processed foods as possible.  I’m not experience gut aches any more, which is really nice.  Hopefully things continue to improve as I figure out what my triggers are.  I am still planning on getting things looked at by my doctor once we get our insurance straightened out.

This Friday Jack and I will be celebrating the anniversary of our engagement.  We’ve been together for almost 9 years now, and while we don’t usually have a big to-do over this anniversary, we are going to have a nice dinner out together to observe the occasion.  I will never forget the moment when he knelt in the snow, and asked me to be his wife.  It was dark, and the city lights twinkled behind us from the special spot he took me to.  It was a really wonderful proposal, and I’m so happy that he asked me to marry him all those years ago.

On Saturday night, after my pole dancing class (which I am LOVING, by the way) Aiden and I are attending our first play party here in Calgary.  We went to our first munch on Monday evening, and met some really friendly people.  I, for one, have felt welcomed by the community here, something I didn’t expect.  It’s been a very pleasant surprise.  Some of the community members whom we didn’t get a chance to talk to on Monday night stopped by where we were sitting to say goodbye and said that they hoped to get a chance to visit with us next time.  That was really nice.  I’m really looking forward to the party, as it’s been a long time.  The hosts are just about the most outgoing and good natured people you could meet.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a fantastic time.  I hope we can play a little

Aiden’s mum is coming to visit us next weekend.  I am a little nervous about that as she doesn’t know the truth about the situation.  Jack has generously agreed to make himself scarce for the two days that she is here, and Aiden and I have decided to go with the story that we are storing some of his things, if she asks.  I don’t know how I feel about it all, but I’ve missed her so much, and I can’t wait to see her.

It’s difficult to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.  I am hoping to get a lot of shopping done this weekend.  We haven’t bothered decorating yet.  Honestly, I think it’s very strange to decorate a house before the beginning of December, but perhaps that is because we always had real trees, and if you wanted them to last until New Year, you couldn’t set them up until the middle of the month.  I’m in no hurry to get anything put up, it will get done after we get through the impending mother visit.  We also keep our decorations up until Ukrainian Christmas, which is in January, so having the house decorated for over a month seems excessive.

We are very busy, but life is good.

When Jack and I decided to become poly, I don’t think either of us realized that we would end up where we are currently.  We entered into this “lifestyle” with the intention that what happened in our own bedroom (or in the bedrooms of our lovers, as the case may be) would be our business and that nobody need ever know.  Convenient and convincing cover stories became a part of planning outings or absences that would be spent with other significant others (we’ve used everything from “she’s helping a friend move today” to “he isn’t feeling particularly well and won’t be coming with us this weekend”).  That worked out just dandy, until poly spilled out of just the bedroom and into everyday life.  Now it is becoming increasingly inconvenient and more trying to keep it all under cover.

I used to fantasize about coming out to my mother, if only to piss her off.  Now I wish that I could just tell the truth because I hate having to keep my relationship with Aiden a secret.  I hate feeling like I’m doing something so wrong that we can’t possibly tell people for fear of the repercussions.  I dislike having to exclude him from “family activities” even though he is a part of our family.  I don’t want to have to live like this forever.

There is also the high level of paranoia I face every time I pack our kids off to spend time with my parents or Jack’s parents.  What if they say something suspicious?  What if there are uncomfortable questions?  What if everyone finds out?

I don’t care much about these things when it comes to my family, but Jack DOES care about them, and because of that, I feel as though I must be on high alert.  It’s exhausting really.  Part of me wishes we could just have it all out and stop living like we are part of the witness protection program, but I know that would make Jack extremely unhappy.

I suppose the trade off is that instead I am extremely unhappy.  Well perhaps not extremely unhappy, yet, but certainly discontent.

There is also the looming issue of future procreation.  Aiden would like to have a child, and I would like to have said child with him, and when that occurs, I am not entirely certain that we are going to be able to accommodate the lies.  One suggestion being tossed around is that we tell everyone that the three of us got terribly drunk, had a threesome, and I ended up pregnant.

That seems somewhat workable in theory, but what of the innocent child?  What are people going to say to him or her about the situation as he or she gets older?

Likewise, what are people going to say to my current children?

I suppose it’s sort of like being the child of gay parents in a time or place where it isn’t accepted or approved of.  You teach your children that it’s ok to go against the grain and encourage them to ignore the ignorance and narrowmindedness of the world around them.  I was raised in a family of racists rednecks and I turned out ok I think.  We were poor and I got picked on a lot because I never had the cool clothes and I never fit in with the popular kids.  I don’t know if that’s more or less horrible than being picked on because you live in a house with more than two parents, but who knows.

Jack and I have locked horns over this issue several times in the past months.  In fact during one late-night conversation I was relatively certain that we would either have to file for divorce or return to monogamy, the situation seemed so impassable.

I am still not certain how to resolve any of this.  I want to give up hiding because it feels so smothering and fraudulent to keep up the deception, just out of fear, and just for the sake of two other people (namely, Jack’s parents).  On the other hand, I want to be respectful of Jack and accommodating of his feelings on the matter.  I want to support his decision not to come out, but at what cost to myself and to my own sense of being truthful?

How does one manage to remain true to themselves and to their own needs, while continuing to honor the needs of the people they love?

I’ve wanted to write here a number of times, but it feels increasingly public, and while I don’t want to end up posting a bunch of locked entries, it’s supposed to be MY blog after all.  If there are passworded posts, and you do not receive a password, it’s likely that I’ve decided that I’m not ready to share the contents of that particular entry with anyone.  Do feel free to contact me, if you so desire, and I may send out passwords, or some sort of explanation, on a case by case basis.

I’m often glad for my old-fashioned paper journal, as nobody reads it aside from Aiden, and I am free to unleash all of my crazy there without fear of stomping on anyone’s feelings.

Aiden has been working rather long hours at his new job, but we’ve managed to get in a bit of time together during his days off.  This past weekend we made a rush trip to Drumheller, where we camped overnight and checked out the Royal Tyrrell Museum, Reptile World, the Hoodoos, the suspension bridge, and the Last Chance Saloon.  Next time we go, I hope to hike in Horsethief Canyon, which is supposed to be amazing.

This Friday I think we will take in Globalfest, which includes an international fireworks competition.  Germany is, coincidentally, presenting the fireworks display on the evening in question, as seeing as Aiden is half-German, I thought he would enjoy it.  I’ve never actually been to Globalfest before, although K and I went and watched the fireworks from a distance one evening several years back.

Jack and I have also taken advantage of some time to ourselves. One evening recently we went out for a quiet dinner together and had a really great conversation, punctuated by plenty of laughter. We also had the good fortune of spending most of an entire day together, picking out trees and other such foliage for the yard.

The household is still attempting to settle into some semblance of a new routine.  Currently the typical day consists of rising at the unspeakable hour of 3:30am to make breakfast and lunch for Aiden.  After seeing him off to work at 4:30am, I crawl (back) into bed with Jack until 7:30am, when he rises for work.  Coffee and breakfast to go, and he’s out the door around 8:15am.  Then the children and dogs are fed, and I settle in for a day entailing anything from unpacking to making phone calls, to running errands, and whatever else I can get up to.  Aiden arrives home between 2:30pm and 4:30pm (depending on the availability of overtime) and we shower together before I launch into supper preparation.  The evening usually winds down around 8pm, when kids, and often Aiden (and I, if I’m sleeping in his bed) tuck in for the night.

Rinse.  Repeat.

The entire rhyme and rhythm of things will no doubt shift once again, when the rugrats start back to school in only two more weeks.  I can hardly wait!

Don’t get me wrong, I adore the younglings, but every mother can relate to needing a break.  Besides, they are looking forward to making new friends and checking out their new school.  They also have brand-new playground equipment on which to exhaust themselves during recess, a feature sorely lacking at their last educational facility.  I am certain they will be just fine.

This afternoon will be spent preparing the yard for sod, followed by clothes shopping for myself, and then taking Aiden to find himself new work boots.  As much as I usually hate shopping for clothes, in this case, I am sort of looking forward to it, and having a little solo time.

At least, not a house of my own.  Every place that Jack and I have lived since moving in together has been brand-spankin-new and generally built to our tastes.

The current house came to us “gently used” which means stains on the carpet that I have no means of identifying, nail holes in the walls that I did not create, and a kitchen with appliances that I generally would not have chosen.

One example of this is the microwave.  It’s the sort that they built in over the stove.  It also houses the hood fan.  The microwave, in my opinion, has no business being above the stove.  Not to mention that now we own a useless counter-top microwave.  Actually I think we have two or three of them these days.  Heh.

“I can’t believe our microwave is up there!” Luke chirped this afternoon, while I reheated him some leftovers for lunch.

“It’s totally mind-blowing” I replied, perhaps a little more deadpan than was entirely necessary.

All in all, things seem to be progressing more or less as they should be.  Aiden should hopefully begin working tomorrow, and the house is at least mostly livable in it’s current state of…err, disorganization.

I’ve come down with some soft of a wretched flu or cold, which has slowed down progress on the unpack considerably, but I am looking forward to utilizing the long weekend to catch up.

Surprisingly, this move has been infinitely more difficult, emotionally, than our move to Ontario.  I’m not completely certain why.  Maybe the addition of an extra adult in the mix, or the timing, or the misalignment of the planets.  I’ve probably fought, yelled, bickered, and snapped at the guys more in the past two weeks than I have over the course of my relationships with either of them (and I wasn’t the only one yelling or snapping mind you).  It’s put a strain on everyone, but I think we are coming out of it now.

Please let that be true.

We haven’t even unpacked enough heavy glass objects to provide proper ammunition for throwing at each other.

Presently I am writing from our new place in Alberta.  We are still negotiating our way through a maze of boxes, as our things only arrived on Monday.

The trip to Alberta was long and wonderful and terrible and beautiful, all at the same time.  I doubt I will ever elaborate much beyond that, but there will be photos coming along eventually.  Northern Ontario is one of the most gorgeous places I’ve ever seen, second perhaps only to the mountains, and I hope to vacation there in the future and do a lot more hiking.

In the days leading up to the trip, Aiden and I managed to get in some camping, a little hiking, and a trip to Wonderland.  I have some list items to cross off, including having sex in a public washroom, while other people were in there!

The trip was hard on everyone, and in the days after we arrived Jack and I seemed to be at each other constantly.  We’d only just mended things when Aiden and I had a couple of rough days.  All in all the entire thing has been…highly emotional, to say thee very least.

It wasn’t all bad.  We got to take in a bit of Stampede, and the rodeo.  I took Aiden to the mountains one afternoon and we did a bit of hiking.  We celebrated Jack’s 35th birthday, and he and I went out for a lovely romantic dinner together.  Yesterday V came over and spent four hours organizing and unpacking the kitchen with me.

There is more to say, but unfortunately free time is at a premium today.  We are preparing for the kiddos, who come home tomorrow, and I want their rooms to be ready for them.

Hopefully a moment to blog will present itself soon.  I just wanted to let y’all know that we made it safe and sound.

Obviously, as we all continue to reside under the same roof, things are working out to some extent.  For the most part actually, we all function very well as a group.  Sometimes we have our moments.  Last night, for example, Aiden had given some instruction to Luke regarding dinner, and Jack, not having heard this exchange, gave a different and opposite instruction.  He hadn’t really intended to undermine Aiden’s authority, but sometimes it happens, so we make our best effort to learn from it and move on.

The children seem to tailor their behavior to fit best with whomever happens to be home at the time.  I think that is rather typical, however, and so I don’t let it keep me up at night.  They are generally pretty good rugrats, and I try not to complain, because I have worked in many environments that involved younglings, and let me tell you, some of them are so horrid that you find yourself entertaining the thought of holding their heads underwater.

Parenting conflicts aside, and the ongoing struggle to balance equal time between the males, we have worked out a fairly amicable rhythm and routine to life.  Often my day begins as the sun is coming up, when Aiden is getting ready for work.  The coffee maker turns itself on at around 5:20am, and we drag ourselves out of bed shortly after.  We talk a little and eat breakfast together, and I make his lunch, and then see him off at the door.  The children, and eventually Jack, decend from upstairs after I’ve spent 30 blessed minutes of time with myself (today it’s being devoted to this post) and then there are more breakfasts to be made, clothes to be laid out and changed into, and lunches to be zipped into backpacks.  The kids and I see Jack off at the door, and sometime later I hustle them out to the van and drive them to school, only to arrive home already feeling that the day is half-spent.  Truthfully by that time I’ve already been awake for over three hours, and the first thing I want to do is sit down with a cup of coffee and collect myself before the day actually begins.  Normally this involves pouring over or creating a vast “To Do” list for the week, which is then broken down into days.  Sometimes if I am feeling particularly scattered, I go so far as to organizing the list for that day into a time-line.

Errands, housework, and other tasks eat up the rest of the morning and early afternoon, until it’s time to fetch the kiddos from school.  Aiden arrives home shortly after we do, and everyone is ravenous, so if I’m really on the ball they all get a snack.  Sometimes I am distracted and just force them to fend for themselves.  Aiden and I talk about our days, while setting the eldest child to his homework.  Often we will take a shower together, and then he will entertain the brood while I wrangle dinner.

Jack never really arrives home at a regular time, but when he does, the kids are eager for his attention.  If we’ve already eaten, he will have his dinner, and if not, we all eat together, and then he talks to the children about their day.

Eventually the kids are bundled off to bed, and the adults heave a collective sigh of relief.  Some nights we watch TV, or Jack completes work-related tasks while Aiden and I talk about LARP, or work on some other project we have going.  Some nights there are outings, for one or two of us, and some nights I have to volunteer at the kennel.  There are almost always deviations in the schedule.  It’s rarely as tidy as I’ve made it out to be.  Often our house feels like a three-ring circus, with children and dogs leaping about, talking or barking at full volume, all four of them competing for attention, and the adults attempting some kind of discussion over top of them.

When it is finally time for bed, I either retire downstairs with Aiden, or upstairs with Jack, depending on the schedule or whatever has been negotiated for that particular night.  There is cuddling and quiet conversation before sleep, and then always-too-few hours of rest before we get up and do it all over again.

And so it goes, the weekends being an entirely different animal, wherein we toss the whole schedule out the window and run about willy-nilly.  Or at least the children do.

It wouldn’t be the ideal way of living for some, or even most, but I secretly love the level of insanity we often maintain.  Time passes so quickly, and I can’t even tell you the last time I was bored.  It was probably years ago.  Life is not always exciting in the ways that I want it to be, and some days I tire of the current state of constant packing, but boring?  Never!  I like it that way, because bored people are boring people, and I never want to be boring.

So far I think I am doing a pretty good job.

On Friday night Aiden went and picked up our friend, Dex, and the three of us went to see How To Train Your Dragon.  It was a SUPER cute movie, and we all really enjoyed it.  Jack and P took the kids to see it during her visit last month, and they kept telling us how fantastic it was, even for adults.

Saturday was comprised of cleaning out the garage and packing up boxes.  Not the most fun job ever, but Aiden and Dex pitched in while Jack occupied the children and worked on things in the house.  It was nice to make some progress anyway.  After cleaning up Jack wanted to take Dex out for dinner to celebrate his recent birthday, and so the six of us went for sushi at our favorite Japanese restaurant.  The food, as always, was delicious.

After dinner Aiden took Dex home while Jack and I watched part of a movie on TV and then went to bed early.

Sunday was Luke’s first communion, after which Aiden and I took the kids to meet his family for the first time.  I was anxious over the entire affair, but the kiddos were exceptionally well-behaved, and didn’t say anything awkward.  Aiden’s mother seemed thrilled to have them, and they got to meet his siblings and grandparents as well.  Everyone complimented me on how cute and well-behaved they were.  It went better than I expected, and I’ve had to promise that I would bring them back again.

The rugrats fell asleep in the back seat on the way home while Aiden and I talked about the impending move and how poorly I have been dealing with the stress of it all.  Jack remarked recently that he has been concerned about how sad I’ve seemed lately, and the only explanation I can come up with is anxiety over everything we need to get done before July gets here.  I haven’t been sleeping enough either, which negatively impacts my ability to deal with anything.  It’s getting pretty bad.  I feel like if I am not fighting with one of the guys, I am fighting with the other.  The kids grind my nerves much easier than usual.  I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed.  The first day I began packing, I literally stood there with an empty box and was at a loss for where to begin.  Just looking around made me tired.

I am glad that after pacing around a little, I just opened a drawer and began purging and sorting.  It seems as though it got the ball rolling, and I feel like I have more direction and a better game plan now.  Working on the garage helped, because we made a VISIBLE dent, which adds to the good feelings of accomplishment.  It’s difficult to get really excited about having done something when you can’t even tell that there was a lot of hard work poured into it.

I feel badly that the guys have been suffering through the brunt of my crazies.  I know I haven’t been easy to live with.  I am going to work on keeping my emotions in check, and taking better care of myself, because both of those things have been seriously lacking.  We only have 65 more days until the new house is ours, and I would rather have 65 days of hard work and pulling together as a family than 65 days of ripping peoples heads off at the slightest provocation.  I don’t like myself when I get like this, which only adds to the aggravation and frustration I feel.

Hopefully I can make it up to them, and remain extra-conscious of my emotional state over the next two months.  For now I am off to fill some more boxes.  Every time I tape one shut and add it to the growing stack, I feel a little bit better about everything

I wasn’t whining or making a play at being passive aggressive, I was simply expressing mild frustration at a situation that I’m certain comes up in EVERY relationship. I wasn’t angry with Aiden, since we were both very tired, and I fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.

I received the following reply to said Tweet, from my friend ChickPea:

It raised an interesting point, that I don’t believe I have touched on here previously – how it works when one of them isn’t “giving me what I want”.

In this particular instance, I was actually sleeping with Aiden, and Jack was out for dinner with an old friend of his.  However, suppose that Jack had been home, would it have been ok for me to go upstairs and have my way with him before returning to bed with Aiden?

The short answer is: No

Allow me to explain further.

The guys share time with me at nights.  I’ve mentioned before that we currently use a 3-day rotation, more or less (sometimes nights are traded, etc.) and it works out well for everyone.  Time before bed can be divided up depending on the circumstances.  Last night Jack was out, so Aiden and I spent all evening together.  Sometimes Jack and I cuddle on the couch before Aiden and I go to bed together, or out for a date, or whatever.  Tonight, for instance, Jack and I are going to the greyhound rescue to volunteer, and Aiden will be asleep before I even get home.  That, however, is a rarity.  Usually I go to bed at whatever time the person I am sleeping with goes to bed, because often we will talk quietly before falling asleep, and some of our closest quality time occurs as we are snuggled up in bed together.

As sometimes happens in all relationships, sometimes when I go to bed with Jack or Aiden, one or both of us is angry at the other.  Or we argue about something as we are laying in bed.  When that happens, it’s VERY, VERY tempting to say “Fuck You!” and leave the room to sleep with my other partner.

That, however, is something I never allow myself to do.

On rare occasions I have left the room, but in those situations, I opt to sleep on the couch, or in the guest bed.

As much as possible, I do my best to avoid doing anything that uses poly to my unfair advantage.  I don’t think it would be fair to either of the guys if I stormed off and crawled into bed with my other partner.  For one, if the person I ran out on wanted to come and talk to me, they would be unable to do so.  For another, I feel that it sends the message “I don’t really need you, I can always get my needs met somewhere else” which will only breed resentment.  Often I ask myself “If the roles were reversed, how would I wish to be treated?” and that guides many of the choices I make.  I would be very upset if Jack and I had a spat, and he decided to go sleep with P instead, and so I do my best to avoid doing things that I would find hurtful.

The same goes for sex.  Just because I can have sex with Jack, when Aiden isn’t in the mood (or vice versa) that doesn’t mean it’s particularly thoughtful of me to do so.  If we hadn’t been in bed yet, well then it may have been a different story.  Poly is often a complex balancing act, and each situation seems to need individual evaluation before a decision can be made.

Suppose it was later in the evening and the three of us were all in the house, although perhaps not doing the same activity.  In this hypothetical situation, it’s Aiden’s night to sleep with me.  I ask him if he’s interested in going to bed early, so that we can have sex before we go to sleep.  He replies that he is probably far too tired for sex, although he is gentle about it and reassures me that he loves me.  I have two options now.  I can accept that, and go to bed early with him so that he is well-rested and perhaps up for some lovin the following evening, or I can ask him if he minds me having sex with Jack instead (assuming that Jack is up for it).

Why would I have to ask him?  Well I don’t technically *have to* but seeing as he and I will be sleeping together, I would check first, in case he wanted to go to bed immediately, or in case he just wants to cuddle for a while before sleep.  Likewise, when I am sleeping with Jack, I generally try to be thoughtful of him in this capacity as well.

There are also nights when I have the whole evening specifically booked off for one of them, and in that situation, I probably wouldn’t ask if they minded me having sex with the other, because it would just seem terribly rude.  If I have a special “date night” with Jack, I wouldn’t feel right about asking him to give up time with me just so I could have sex with Aiden, even if Jack wasn’t in the mood.

See what I mean about complex?  I get a headache just attempting to explain it.

There are many aspects of our daily lives that do not adhere to any hard and fast rules.  We generally muddle through, making decisions based on what seems like the right thing to do in any given situation.  Much of it is trial and error.  There are plenty of mistakes along the way, but we are all still learning.

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Jack, quite touched by my unexpected generosity, offered to let Aiden and I go away overnight this coming weekend, but we have LARP, and I would rather “bank” those overnight opportunities for Alberta, where we can spend a weekend in the mountains.

Having P here has been lovely.  I don’t want to overstep when it comes to how much I share regarding her relationship with Jack, but from what I can tell, things are going really well.  She seems to be settling in for the long-haul, and it’s very apparent that her presence in his life makes Jack very happy.  She and I have a bit of a running joke going about the 12-passenger van we’ll have to buy once Aiden and I, and she and Jack, have children.

It’s been rather interesting living in the basement full-time with Aiden.  My clothes are strewn all over his room, and I’ve only ventured into my own room a couple of times to fetch items that I’d forgotten to bring down prior to P getting here.  The last time I went in there, a couple of days ago, I felt as though I was intruding into someone else’s space.  It was something of an unsettling sensation at first, since it’s my room, and normally I consider it something of a sanctuary, where I can go when I need time to myself.  So I thought about it some, and realized that it’s really just a room, and for that matter, in a couple of months I won’t even live in it anymore.  Kind of silly to get bent out of shape over something so trivial.  I did, however, come to realize that in the next house I will need some sort of space for myself, especially if P does end up moving in, because everyone should have an area of their own, that is just theirs.  Jack, Aiden, and P should also have their own spaces, because the more people that live together, the more difficult it becomes.  This has stirred some ideas regarding how we will divvy up living area in the next house, which I hope to discuss with the rest of the family at the next opportune time.

This week I really must get started on the pre-pack for the move.  I also need to get all of our stuff together for LARP, especially since we are supposed to get rain, UGH!  Wet weather always means packing extra clothes, etc.  Don’t tell Aiden, but I am almost beginning to wish we WERE going away overnight somewhere that didn’t involve camping and re-applying black face paint 45 times, and getting wet in the great outdoors.  I am sure it will be brilliant once we are there, but at the moment, it just isn’t sounding so hot, LOL.

First I began writing about a tantrum I had on Friday that culminated in me taking off my collar and leaving it on Aiden’s bed while he was at work.  The discussion that followed was rather uncomfortable for me, and just this morning I completed the two-page apology that will hopefully earn me a second chance at being Aiden’s slave.  I miss my collar.  I feel naked without its familiar weight around my neck.

Second I began writing about the dull and mostly shitastic weekend that I had, but it’s all water under the bridge now.

Third I began writing about P’s arrival, and the wonderful visit we’ve had thus far.  Yesterday we spent the day shopping together, and making plans for the future.  We talked about her relationship with Jack, and I assured her that I am indeed very ok with them being together, and that I hope it lasts.  Yes, I still have the odd twinge of discomfort in my guts, but it passes as quickly as it comes.  Kind of like a moment of unfounded anxiety, or having butterflies when you drive through just the right sort of dip in a road at just the right speed.  Any “weirdness” (I wouldn’t even go so far to call it jealousy or insecurity or anything like that) on my part is quickly and easily dispersed by the fact that they make each other so happy, and it makes me happy to see them together.

This is what compersion feels like.

Next week Aiden is going to be working graveyards, which means I will be sleeping alone at night.  My period is also due on Tuesday, which means I am going to have to be extra-aware of my emotional state and do what I can to keep my irrational craziness in check.  Aiden and I have LARP next weekend, so fortunately I will have that to look forward to.  Even though we don’t actually spend a lot of time together “in-game” there is still the car ride there and back for us to talk and be with each other.  We should be able to coordinate sleep schedules at the event as well so that we both get in a bit of cuddling time, and aren’t apart the entire weekend.  That’s the thing about LARP.  Even though it’s something we do together, we aren’t actually together while we are there.  In the game we don’t know each other, so it doesn’t make any reasonable sense in the story for us to be anywhere near each other.  If we were staying in this game for any period of time, yes eventually our characters would probably become pals, but for now we are essentially strangers.

It’s strange, I know.  Just smile and nod.

The paperwork for our relocation came though, and Jack signed off on it.  Now the whole thing just has to get one more signature (from someone in Jack’s office, whom is in charge of such things) and it’s all set in stone for us.  That should happen today or tomorrow.  Either way, by Friday everyone in our family will know that we are moving, and the minor details should begin to solidify (the exact moving timeline, help with the kids and with packing, the actual crossing of the country, etc.)

There seems to be so much to do, in what feels like very little time, but I know it will all work out as it should.  It always does.

For the time being I am going to enjoy my visit with P.  Aiden and I have plans to go hiking on Friday.  I’m going to pack a picnic, and later in the evening we have a family dinner to attend (on his side) to celebrate Granny’s birthday.  Saturday is my tattoo appointment, and also Easter dinner here at Chez Gibson.  I think we are going to have turkey, with all of the excessive trimmings, since I didn’t go all out for Christmas and I am kind of in the mood to celebrate what with all the great news we’ve had around here lately.

That reminds me, I’d better plan to do some baking tomorrow.  Maybe I will post some photos of food, or my new bras or panties.  MAYBE.

I didn’t feel any weirdness while he was with P.  Ok maybe a twinge on Sunday, but I was also feeling generally over-sensitive because I was tired and my period is due immediately, so my hormones are out of whack, and I had to miss LARP while Aiden went with our friend Dex.  Still, when I thought of him and her together, particularly the thought of them having sex, I felt…nothing.  No angst, no guts turning over in my stomach.  If anything I was just happy that the two of them were able to spend some time together, since it’s difficult with the distance.

I’m not going to pretend that having Aiden here doesn’t make sharing Jack far easier for me.  While I do believe that I have grown as a person, particularly in poly, and that I have worked though much of my jealousy and insecurity in relation to Jack, it’s more fun to share when one still has a warm body to curl up with at night.

As an added benefit, Jack found it easier to relax and enjoy his time with P knowing that I had Aiden here to keep me company, and to help me work through any uncomfortable feelings that may have cropped up.  It’s all win

The lovely P is already booking a trip out here (hopefully for Easter, for two weeks!!!) and I.CANNOT.WAIT to see her  It has been far, far too long since she and I were able to hang out.  Maybe we can collectively lure her into moving out to Ontario once she is finished school  There is still an extra bedroom in the house, hee hee.

This week and the coming weekend promises to be quite busy.  This afternoon I had a blood donation appointment, my fourth successful donation.  Afterwards I stopped by my favorite tattoo studio and booked an appointment for some new ink at the beginning of April.  It’s been almost three years since my last tattoo and I’ve been itching for a third for ages.  I’m pretty excited about it

Aiden and I are planning on attending the kink munch in our city this evening, which will be a nice opportunity to catch up with everyone.

This weekend we have plans with G and S of Horny Geek, which I am looking forward to.  I assume a lot of our conversation will revolve around LARP or kink (or both at the same time!) but I’m sure you expected as much.  At some point we are going to visit Aiden’s mum and dad as well, and tidy up the house, and likely work on some other projects.

I’m currently plowing my way through a copy of “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage” and while the subtitle does seem a tad laughable, all things considered, it’s actually filled with fantastic advice about negotiating your respective needs with a partner.  Most of the conflicts that occur between Jack and I, and Aiden and I, center around one or more of our individual needs not being met, and even if this particular book is heavy on the monogamy, they at least acknowledge that it is totally possible and not unexpected to fall in love with more than one person at a time.  The copy I am reading actually belongs to Aiden’s mum, whom had lent it to him at some juncture in the past.  I want to return it to her this weekend, so that she can pass it on to someone else she knows that needs it, but I am thinking of picking up a copy of my own.  In case I don’t have time to cajole the boys into doing some of the writing and conversation exercises it recommends before Sunday.

More on the book, and some thoughts on getting your needs met while meeting the needs of multiple partners in poly relationships.  Even if some of the suggestions don’t work for our arrangement, at least they have inspired some thoughtful pondering that will hopefully result in a good post or two!

While I normally harbor an unnatural love of Mondays, on this particular morning I am fighting a sinus/chest infection or something of that nature and so am not as peppy and upbeat as usual.

I did have a lovely weekend, however, and so that makes up for the fact that I’ve run myself somewhat into the ground and therefore am now slightly ill.

On Friday night I had plans to do coffee with my friends G and S (of Horny Geek).  The weather, however, had other ideas and unfortunately I had to cancel due to the roads being awful.  Hopefully we can reschedule for sometime soon, perhaps when the forecast is more agreeable.

Instead I went to bed rather early, read some, and then fell asleep until Aiden got home from work and woke me.  He and I had been at odds all week, as discussed in my previous post, and so we ended up having a bit of a spat and then talked it out late into the night.  After things had been settled out, we made love and then went to sleep for a scant three hours.

He had to work for a bit on Saturday morning, and so after seeing him off I did some writing and then helped Jack and the kiddos shovel out the driveway.  We have had quite a bit of snow recently and it has been perfect for snowballs, hee hee.

When Aiden arrived home shortly after noon, he and I were able to take a nap for a couple of hours, because we were both exhausted due to lack of sleep the night prior.  One of our friends from LARP was celebrating her birthday that night and Aiden wanted to go.  I asked if I could come along too, since she’s really more his friend than mine, although I kind of expected that she assumed he would bring me.  There was some miscommunication between he and I regarding what time he had wanted to leave for the party, and we ended up having another argument, although this time he was the one being stubborn.  Eventually we worked it out and although we left later than he had wanted to, we weren’t late by any stretch.

There was pre-drinking at the apartment of the birthday girl, who needs a name for simplicity sake.  Lets call her Anya.  I already knew all but two of the other guests (through LARP) and Anya seemed quite pleased to see me.  Everyone hung out for a bit and had some drinks before we walked over to a nearby gay bar in The Village.  Aiden and I hadn’t originally planned to spend the night, but it didn’t take much for Anya to convince him that we should just crash at her house.  We drank and danced a little, and just generally had a really great time.  I flirted shamelessly with the only other “straight” guy (and I use that term loosely in this case) in our little group, much to Aiden’s amusement.  He really isn’t my type, but I’m kind of a tease, and it was all in good fun.

When we were thoroughly intoxicated, we walked back to Anya’s, and hung out for a few minutes longer before everyone passed out.  Unfortunately Aiden and I were sleeping on a futon, which proved to be less that comfortable, and so after dozing for around three hours, I woke up and found it almost impossible to get back to sleep.  Aiden woke up shortly there-after and after a bit of whispered discussion, we decided to head home, even though everyone else was still sleeping and we couldn’t really say a proper goodbye.

The drive home seemed long and we were both completely exhausted.  Jack and the kids were already up when we got in, but after tucking Aiden into bed for a nap, Jack came up to our room and laid down with me and we fell back asleep until around noon.

After I got up I went to wake Aiden, as we still had to go over to his former apartment that afternoon to pick up the last of his things.  I crawled into his bed and we cuddled and sort of dozed and then had sex before getting up to shower.  I made brunch for everyone and then he and I headed out.

We moved a couple of pieces of furniture, to be stored at his parents place, and then loaded up the rest of his stuff.  The Olympic hockey game between Canada and the US was in it’s final moments, so we watched the tail-end of it with Aiden’s former roommate and had a coffee with him and his girlfriend who is moving in to the apartment now.  They have only really been dating since early January, so it’s kind of an interesting situation, but who knows, maybe they will be ok.

It was getting later, and so we bid them a good evening and grabbed something to eat on our way out of town.  Aiden was really tired, and so we didn’t even bother to unload his stuff when we got back to the house, I just sent him straight to bed.

Jack was feeling rather nauseous when we arrived, and so although it was technically still Aiden’s night to sleep with me, Jack asked if they could switch since he was feeling so unwell and wanted to be looked after.  I got him to take a Gravol and then we went to bed, and he is off work today because I’m pretty certain he has some form of the flu.  He is all achy and his temperature is slightly elevated this morning so he is going to spend the day in bed.  He is supposed to be flying out to Calgary for work this week and then spending the weekend with P, so it’s important that he recover quickly.

Even though I am fighting a cold or some sort of gross infection, I feel recharged.  The weekend was exhausting, but exactly what I needed