CategoryEveryday Life

We Walk A Lonely Road

It’s a strange and anxiety-filled place to be. Pregnant after a loss.

I don’t feel like I fit in most of the typical “PALS” (Pregnancy After Loss Support) groups. So many of those ladies had late-pregnancy losses. They know the gender of the baby that died. Their baby WAS a baby, not just a grain of rice that was there one day and then gone. I feel silly about how fearful I am, when I didn’t have to endure giving birth to an infant that didn’t live, like so many of them, I just honestly think it´s better to watch milf porno instead of getting pregnant with a total stranger.

But I am fearful.

In fact neither Aiden or I can muster the courage to be happy or excited. I took a pregnancy test a week ago. And then I took another. There was no cute “You’re going to be a dad” or a surprise announcement set up when he got home from work. I just told him, and he said “Oh” and I said “Yeah”. Neither of us knew the right thing to do, so we effectively did nothing. I’m afraid to let myself get attached to the idea. I’m afraid to let myself be hopeful that this won’t end in another rush of blood all over my mothers bathroom, and sobbing in her arms until I could barely breath. I’ve avoided going to the doctor because I don’t want to be sent for tests and subsequently get phone calls from concerned nurses that my hCG isn’t what it should be. I don’t want to watch another ultrasound technician squinting her eyes to see something, anything, where something should be. I don’t want to wait in that dimly lit room while she rounds up a doctor to come in and confirm what we already know.

I’m going to a doctor I don’t know on Wednesday. We moved away from the best doctor I have ever had, and it’s too far and impractical for me to drive back to see her.

I’m filled with anxiety and dread, but I am mustering up all of my courage so that I can get through this. I just feel so alone, and that’s probably the hardest part. Aiden, for his own reasons, just can’t seem to be emotionally available right now. He’s working through his own feelings I am sure, but it’s shitty when I feel like I can’t even lean on my husband (yeah the wedding happened, it was lovely, more on that later). I didn’t tell very many people about the loss, and I am even more reluctant to tell people I am pregnant this early on. It just feels like a very solitary pathway, particularly because I don’t feel like I have a place in the communities that were supposed to be designed for people like me.

My loss doesn’t seem tragic enough.


I’m not taking another prolonged hiatus. I promise.

However, my life is currently completely consumed by three things:

The Wedding
The Move
The Puppy

In pretty much that order. I’m so tired of chasing vendors down, and purging my basement. Pouring over puppy training books and the latest issue of Modern Dog, is my little “treat”. It’s my escape from real life.

So, there isn’t a lot of interesting things to write about. V came over last weekend to spend the night and put in many hours of sorting and packing in my basement. I was so grateful for the help, because getting rid of things is sometimes difficult for me, and she knows how to gently push me to discard things.

This afternoon I’m going to check out the annual gear sale at our local camping store. I can’t really justify buying any new things right now, buuuuuuuut, I can’t resist just going to see what they’ve got. Aiden is away at work for a seven day stretch right now, so I’m just keeping busy.

Next week I’m going fabric shopping with the lovely gal who is making my wedding dress, so that should be fun. The Calgary Pet Expo is coming up, so I’m going to drag Aiden to that. Otherwise, life is pretty full of being a boring adult and doing a lot of grown up crap.

Hopefully some interesting things happen at some point in the near future. Until then, I might just keep poking my head in to bore you with words about packing or puppies.

Corned Beef And Re-Hash

So, now that we’ve talked about the past, I don’t want to keep falling back to that just for the sake of content. That’s not why I started writing here again (to be completely frank, I can’t afford to see my therapist very often right now, and this place used to suffice). Even though I need a place to spew out a bunch of feelings, I also don’t want to just whine all the time. So, I hope you few will bear with me while I find my new groove. Maybe that should be the new tagline of this blog… “How Shasta got her groove back”

LOL, no.

I guess I will just write whatever I want, like I always did.

My current sex life is admittedly pretty pathetic, not for lack of want, but for lack of Aiden. He works out of town five days a week, so we only get up to getting down once or twice a weekend. We make it count though, no complains on the quality, just the quantity. We haven’t played for a long time, but I’m hoping we might get a chance in the foreseeable future.

We are moving this summer, after the wedding (of course, being nomads and all) to be closer to Aiden’s work, so that I get to see him more than just on weekends. It’s a pain in the ass. Also I am kind of a hoarder. Maybe I will start a regular feature called “What Hoarders Keep” because so far I have found a wooden box full of cigars that is AT LEAST 10 years old and to be gently as well carried to the our place by the local moving service near Tallahassee. Also a set of steak knives, the kind you got for free when you bought a vacuum. They were still in the box and they had those pearlescent handles that were so popular in the 50’s. Then there was the ancient cookie press that I’m sure was manufactured in the same decade that cookies were invented. My house isn’t filled with garbage and cat carcasses, but I definitely find some weird things that I’ve pack-ratted from place to place in boxes that I never open. Moving is shit. My consolation prize is that I’m FINALLY going to be able to have a dog again.

The kids are still going to be 50/50 because the move isn’t taking us TOO far away. The schedule might be a bit jumbled at first, and I will be staying at Jack’s quite a bit when its my turn with the kiddos, but everyone is agreeable to that (and it will actually help Jack out if I can kick him a few bucks for the pleasure of living in his basement off and on). It’s not ideal, but we are hopeful it will only be short-term, until the economy picks back up and more opportunities become available in Aiden’s trade. Until then, we have to do what we need to. The real upside of moving is that our new town had a significantly lower cost of living, so I won’t have to worry about going back to work. Not that I don’t want to work, but my business with Lyra is just starting to take off, and I’d like to get pregnant again. Being able to work on my own schedule will be ideal during both pregnancy and with a newborn.

Anyway, kind of boring, but that’s how we roll at the moment. Hopefully things perk up around here, or I fear I will resort to writing endlessly about wedding planning.

Kidding. Maybe 😉

And So The Adventure Begins

During the recent course of reconnecting with some of my old online acquaintances (here, on their blogs, Twitter, FetLife) someone asked me “What have you guys been up to all these years?”

I think I’ve gone over all of the relationship stuff, but there are also a lot of really fabulous things we’ve done that I haven’t mentioned. Here’s a bit of a list, for those curious readers:

– Hiked and backpacked literally hundreds of kilometers. Spent dozens of nights in a tent
– Backpacked twice on the west coast (of Canada) both as a couple, and with the younglings
– Took a cruise to Alaska
– Went on a 10-day roadtrip of the Yukon
– Camped and backpacked in the winter, in the mountains
– Flew out east to visit family several times
– Moved three times (every 2 years, on average)
– I’ve had at least 8-10 different jobs. There are probably some that I don’t remember. Not because I can’t keep a job, I quit or was laid off due to the difficult economic situation here in Alberta the past few years. It took me a lot of trial and error to find jobs that I liked. My recent couple places of employment were for 2+ years each.
– Aiden has had three jobs, he’s an apprentice, so that’s not uncommon. He moves around every year or two in order to get new experience and opportunities in his trade.
– We were vegan for around a year, for health and environmental reasons
– Adopted two cats
– Traded in the Nitro for a brand new Dodge Ram almost 5 years back. Last year at Christmas I surprised Aiden with a new-to-him Dodge Dakota. It’s Alberta after all, so…trucks for everyone.
– LARPed some, and then quit LARPing, and then started LARPing again
– Dehydrated everything from venison jerky to lentil chili
– Took up hunting, doing all our own butchering, etc.
– I wrote words in other places, but I think I was just burned out and it always felt forced. I gave up writing for a long time
– Took V on her first backpacking trip (she and I have done two girls weekends and one group trip together so far)
– Made another very best friend, at a time I wasn’t expecting it. She’s going to need a name, so I think I will call her Lyra.
– Started a small business with Lyra, and we are getting consistent sales, and there is so much potential, and I’m very excited about it all.

That basically sums up the highlights. I’m sure there are things that I missed, and I’m sure there are things that people don’t find remarkable, but they stand out for me. Plus this will help if I refer to any of these things in future posts, so now everyone is more or less up to speed on the 6ish year absence.

I Have Died Every Day Waiting For You

Maybe I will muster up a visit every three years, just to let everyone know that I’m not dead.

I had hoped that I would begin writing here again, just for my own sanity, but…it’s hard, ya know? I’m not really “Shasta” anymore. I don’t really identify with that person, or that part of my life at this point. It seems like such a distant memory now.

Aiden and I have settled into a comfortable life together. In fact, after nearly two years of being engaged, we have finally decided to pull the trigger and get married this summer. I put a deposit down on my dress today, after I take it off for you, and we watch come gallery together of the 60 Nude Pics of Sexy Hayden Panettiere – Ximage.

I was also pregnant, briefly, in November. We found out at eight weeks that the pregnancy wasn’t going to be viable, which was a devastating disappointment, considering we had been planning for several years. We intend to try again once my body recovers from what was a horrendous series of unfortunate events, that culminated in an emergency D&C just last week. I had my IUD removed in September and caught almost immediately, so we are optimistic that it won’t take long the next time around.

So, yeah, I would say that we are signing on for the long haul with each other.

My children with Jack are turning into young adults. 12 and 14 now, and it feels as though time passes more quickly each week that goes by. Speaking of Jack, he is well. Still single, as far as I know, but he dates quite a bit. He just hasn’t found the right woman yet, and I do hope very sincerely that it happens for him. We remain a close family. We continue to have holidays together, and to participate in each others lives. We collectively attend sporting events, parent-teacher interviews, and Christmas concerts.

The Infamous V and I remain the best of friends. We are attending a bridal show this weekend, and she will stand next to me on the big day, filling that role for the second time.

K and I worked at the same company for nearly two years, after he helped me get a job there. Unfortunately due to the economic state of our province, and the nature of the industry, I was laid off in the fall. So, one of my other closest friends and I decided to start a business together, and thus far, it’s quite rewarding and our potential seems very promising.

It might seem mundane, from the outside, but life is good and calm and exactly what I want just now.

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