I care about Kade a great deal, and he has ZERO experience with any of this, so I wasn’t entirely sure how to bring it up.  I consulted Nia, who advised me to frame it as a hypothetical question, which would remove a lot of the emotional weirdness until I could establish how much information he wanted.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you by the way, hypothetically, if I was seeing anyone else, would you like to know about it, and if so, how much do you want to know?”

I wasn’t really certain what to expect, but his response was pretty calm.  He didn’t think that I would suddenly become monogamous, which was a relief.  His only concern was the health risks associated with multiple partners, which is completely understandable.  We discussed safer sex practices and regular STI testing.  He seemed more comfortable after we’d talked about safety measures and the like.

He decided that he’d rather not know if I happen to have casual sex with someone.  I mentioned that I have friends in Calgary whom I usually hook up with while I’m visiting, so he’s prepared for the fact that I’m probably going to be sleeping with other people at some point.

When it comes to me dating someone, he said he would like to know.  Not details of course, but simply a “By the way, I’m seeing someone in addition to you”.  I am actually glad for that, because I won’t have to try to hide it from him (not that I would try to hide it, I would prefer he know, but if he didn’t want to know I would have to do something to keep it from being obvious).  For instance if he wants to make plans and I am going out with someone else that particular night, I won’t have to come up with a lame excuse, or lie, which makes me feel better.

He acknowledged that he may feel some jealousy, or that perhaps once he and I have sex, he may have other feelings on the subject, so we are both prepared for that.  Who knows, he may not have any issue at all.

I’m debating now when to talk to him about Aiden, since he and I are already making plans together into September, which I think qualifies as ‘seeing each other’.  Perhaps I’ll approach him about it this weekend and I’ll just tell the truth: I hooked up with someone that weekend I went camping and then we went on a date, and now we’re going on other dates, so I thought you should know.  Easy, no?

I suspect that jealousy, if there is any, will come about because Aiden is willing to go places and do things with me that Kade isn’t mentally ready for.  I feel badly because already I’ve had things go through my head such as “Well I’ll just ask Aiden to go to [insert place/event here] with me because I know Kade probably won’t want to”.  It’s not nice, but it’s the truth, and it sucks.  I have significant feeling for Kade, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but I want to go out and do stuff and he just can’t.  I know he’s really working on it, and I want to be patient, but it’s not easy.

On one hand the boy clearly needs someone with patience and experience.  Someone who can understand and appreciate the difficulties that anxiety can bring.  Really, and I don’t say this to brag, I’m a very good ‘first serious relationship’ girlfriend.  I seem to have a way with these sorts of men.  I draw them out of their shell, helping them to feel comfortable with themselves, and showing them the finer points of dating.  Trust me, I realize that I’m no treat all the time.  I can be difficult, and I’ll be the first person to say so.  I’m not the perfect girlfriend, but I do feel that most people who have dated me come out better at the end of it.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m not destined to be that transitional person for some of them.  Gently pushing them to work through whatever is holding them back, so that they can go on to healthier relationships in their lives.  That seems to have been a bit of a trend anyway.

No matter how I try to word that last part I feel like I always come across as arrogant, which wasn’t really my intention.  My friend X had this to offer when I was talking to him about this post:

“I’M COMFORTABLE TALKING TO YOU AND I AM ANXIETY LORD”

Coming from him that’s a very high compliment.  He also stated that it’s due to the fact that A) I am not an idiot, and B) I’m as attentive as possible, which apparently is a rare thing these days.

The ground work is already being laid when it comes to The Virgin.  Just last night he mentioned that talking to me puts him at ease, and that I make it simple for him to talk about subjects which would normally cause him discomfort.  This is exactly how it always starts, and he’s already told me that he’s interested in me.

On the other hand, as Nia so wisely pointed out, the relationship is likely to be rather one-sided.  I already know most of the dance moves, while he hasn’t even stepped out on the floor.  That probably wouldn’t matter if I didn’t get attached, as I could go into it with no real risk of being hurt, but we already know that I fail in that department.  I certainly don’t mean to say that he’s useless or that I wouldn’t enjoy dating him, but like anything you’re learning for the first time, he’s probably not going to be very good at relationships right out of the gate.  Communication, honesty, romance, and the ability to effectively deal with complicated emotions are not skills that one learns over night.  The learning curve may be significant, or he may take to dating like a duck to water, there isn’t any way to know for sure at this point.

He’s not in a hurry for sex, which is actually the primary reason I continue to consider dating him.  It will be better for both of us to go very, very slowly.  I won’t get attached prematurely and he’ll have plenty of time to catch on to this relationship business, without some of the complications that sexual pressure can bring.  Plus it’s been a while since I was involved with someone whom I didn’t sleep with pretty early on, and I’m kind of excited by the prospect of going through it all gradually and working up to sex at a more ‘old fashioned’ pace.

He really is sweet.  He remembers details about me and what I’m doing/have planned.  He shows genuine interest in really knowing me as a person, and he flirts without being overtly sexual.  It’s actually rather charming.  Maybe I just have very low expectations, LOL.

I don’t want to keep calling him The Virgin, so I’m going to give him a proper name: Kade.  Rhymes with spade, and laid, heh.

At any rate, I’ve decided to spend some time with him in the ‘real world’ before I make any solid decisions on the direction I should go.  He asked me out for coffee on Thursday, and I’ve agreed to meet him.  I’m looking forward to meeting him, and I’m certain he feels the same about me.  More stories to come I’m sure

It was really nice to meet some new people, and visit with current friends over eggs and coffee.  Deja was at the brunch and she asked me if I was planning to check out the Hamilton Sexapalooza later that afternoon, as she was volunteering in the Dungeon and needed a ‘stunt bottom’ for some demos.  I actually hadn’t planned on attending, due to the fact that Jack and I haven’t been able to spend much time together as of late and I thought it might be rude of me to run off for most of Saturday to do my own thing.

Still, the lure of being played on was tough to resist.  After consulting with him regarding his feelings on the matter, and his insistence that I should go, I agreed.  After we bid everyone at the brunch a good afternoon we stopped by my place so that I could grab some more suitable attire, and also toss a few toys in my toolbox.

We arrived at the convention center and made our way to the Dungeon area.  Admission is free for volunteers, which was a lovely perk.  There were a lot of familiar faces in the Dungeon, and many had not been able to make it to brunch, so I especially enjoyed being able to spend a little time with them.

Deja did some violet wand demonstrations on a few curious attendees, while I stood by and assisted.  I answered questions from people in the crowd and showed off some of the toys that we had on hand for those who were interested.

During a slow traffic period Deja and I took a stroll around the rest of the show and browsed some of the other booths.  It was pretty small, as compared to Toronto or Calgary, with pretty much the same offerings.  Nothing new under the sun when it comes to sex, but then again, I’m probably just hard to impress

Eventually we played.  I was topless, belly-down on a spanking bench, with my short leather skirt leaving little to the imagination.  She cropped the hell out of my back, followed by some light and then intense flogging.  It wasn’t really an intense scene for us, but any stretch, but I feel that we put on a good show.  After the flogging there was more use of the crop, and then she asked to use the violet wand on me, and I consented, even though it makes me squirm.

Naturally as soon as she began using it people started to line up to give it a try on their hands or arms.  This is what it’s all about at the show, so I didn’t mind.  I slipped back into my clothes and helped her to tidy things up once the mob had moved on.  Even though we didn’t play that hard my back bore a number of long and narrow welts, which have darked into purple and blue bruises in the days since.

As late afternoon crept into evening I decided that I’d better head on home.  I said goodbye to Deja and a few others before making my exit, toolbox in hand.

“I need a toy-box like that” one vendor exclaimed as I walked past.  I smiled over my shoulder and replied “Yes it’s very handy, and it holds a lot!”  Even though it’s just a large standard toolbox, I’ve decorated it with sexy stickers to make it a little more fun.  It’s certainly handy for lugging all my crap around to play parties and the like.

The remainder of my weekend was fairly quiet and relaxed.

On Monday I found a message in my mailbox at a favorite dating site, from someone I hadn’t talked to before.  I clicked on his profile and almost shot coffee out of my nose at the shock I received when I saw the photo.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone who looked so much like K.  It was astounding really.  They could practically be the same person, although after a closer look, and discussion about said photo with both Jack and V, we’ve come to the conclusion that this guy is better looking.

At any rate, once the alarm had passed, I read over his page and was again alarmed to read that he’s still a virgin.  These days, at 23 years old (he’s younger than K as well) that’s a bit of an oddity, and so after reading his profile several more times I began to put the pieces together.

Acute Social Anxiety.

Oh Lawdy!  Just what I need, another truckload of damaged goods.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am certainly not putting down persons who suffer from anxiety disorders.  I have a number of friends who all struggle with varying degrees of anxiety, and I love them all to pieces.  I’ve learned much from each of them, and I would never dream of making light of this sort of condition.

Friends are one thing, but dating someone who seems to be dealing with a lot of personal demons is another.  Do I really want to go there, again, after I’ve already had my passport to that relationship region stamped a few times?  Collected the key chains and shot glasses, bought the proverbial t-shirt.

All that innocence though, just waiting to be corrupted, to be lead down the garden path and into the depths of depravity.

Oh how I want to be the one to do it.

We’ve spoken quite a bit since the initial message.  His brand of angst has thus far prevented him from so much as kissing a person of the opposite sex.  HE’S NEVER KISSED A GIRL!

My Confliction, Let Me Show It To You.

Can you see why I’m torn?  On one hand he seems genuinely sweet thus far.  He’s also attractive and funny, and innocent and just begging to be dirtied up a bit.  On the other hand, he’s the first to admit that he’s still working through a lot of his anxiety, and he’d younger, and I swore to myself that I would avoid the wee bebes.

I’m pretty sure he’s already become interested in me.  For some reason I seem to have a way with the little lost puppies of the world.  I feel as though should I put in any effort whatsoever I wouldn’t have much trouble wooing him right into bed with me.  The question is, should I do that or not?

Please advise!

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

The first was the nudity.  I have had serious body issues for years, and I am none too keen on taking my clothes off in front of people in private, never mind a couple of dozen strangers.

However, at Forbidden, it was amazing.  I’ve never felt so free to just be myself, without any concern over being judged.  On Saturday night when I stood outside under the moon, completely naked, and not caring at all if anyone saw, it was the most incredible feeling.  It was the first time in a great while that I’ve been at peace with my physical self, and I felt…beautiful.

It’s a fascinating experience, being amongst people who are being utterly and completely themselves.  No social masks to keep up with.  If you wanted to prance around nude, leading your heavily restrained and blindfolded partner up and down the road, you could do so.  If you wanted to be fucked up the ass over a picnic table in broad daylight, you could do that too.  The energy surrounding the whole place was somewhat magical in that a feeling of camaraderie and acceptance abounded.

Leaving was depressing, despite what happened between Varick and I.  It was difficult to go from the freedom and excitement of that far off place, back to the ‘real’ world with all it’s social taboos and judgements.  I came home wearing only a tank top and a tiny skirt.  When I parked in my driveway it occurred to me that I’d better get in the house and into something more decent before one of the neighbours saw me, and I was instantly saddened.  How unfortunate it is that we can’t embrace ourselves and each other for who we are.

Granted I wouldn’t want to possibly scar any neighbourhood children with my practically bare and heavily bruised rear end, but I’d like to think that if someone saw me darting into the house dressed in so little, they wouldn’t recoil in horror.

Being at camp was so special, if only for the reasons listed above.  It was like a little bubble where we could hide away from the rest of the world, let our guards down and just have a wonderful time with each other.

I will return to camp, hopefully at least once a year, so that for a few days I can remind myself that there ARE people in the world who don’t sneer at the odd stretch mark.  People who find both bodies and souls lovely and unique, regardless of the shape, size, or color.  They put their money where their mouths are and honour whatever pieces of yourself that you care to share like you are giving them a special gift. 

I miss it already.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.

Mz. F and Varick accompanied me on Thursday evening (June 26th) to Deja’s house, to watch Secretary and do a little fire play.

Due to Jack’s feelings on the safety of fire play, I regrettably had to bow out of being the practice subject for Varick’s lesson. Fortunately, a friend of Deja’s was willing to put his naked body on the line so that Varick could learn.

Mz. F and I sat on the floor in Deja’s dungeon, while preparations were made. Deja has loads of experience with such things, and the casual attitude with which she handles it all certainly put all of us at ease.

The session began, Mz. F and I observing wide-eyed. If you ever get the opportunity to witness fire play in action, do it. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before.

Varick was extremely nervous at first, and who can blame him? He reluctantly took one of the wands from Deja and gave it a go, and I must say, he did quite well. His confidence grew as both of them applied the alcohol and lit it afire in tandem. It was an interesting and amazing sight.

I’ll admit I was deeply envious of the man on the table. Mz. F encouraged me to give it a try, even against Jack’s wishes, and a couple of times offered to call him to assure him that it is safe.

I could tell that Deja was feeling badly for me, so she beckoned me over and offered to do a little strip on the inside of my arm. I really didn’t think that was a big deal, since I’d done that myself a ton of times back in junior high with hairspray and a lighter (we were often bored, LOL). She used the wand to paint a stripe of alcohol on my skin, and then she lit the wand and waved it over my arm, swooping over the trail of flames as soon as it lit. She did that several times over until all of the alcohol had been burned off. I imagine how the sensation would feel on my stomach, breasts, back, and ass. Mmmmmm. It didn’t burn at all, the final swipe was quite warm, but my skin wasn’t even red afterwards.

419. Try fire play

Deja coaxed Mz. F into getting a little on her arm as well, and she seemed just as enamored as I was. I hope that some day Jack might come around and allow me to experience a little more in the way of fire play, but I certainly won’t push my luck again and just go ahead without asking him.

After the scene was finished Deja gave Mz. F a bit of a demo with the violet wand, which she totally fell in love with. We spent the better part of half an hour playing with that.

Unfortunately Varick and I didn’t get to play at all, due to how late it was. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement, but at least I was able to cross something off of my list.

When I talked to Jack later that evening about the fire play he was quite angry with me, and understandably so. I hadn’t really thought that just a little on the arm would be a big deal, but as he pointed out even breaking the rules a little bit is still wrong, regardless.

I became angry because it seems as though my judgment of the situation isn’t enough for him. I was insulted that he felt I would knowingly engage in something very dangerous just for thrills. I just wanted him to see that it’s not nearly as bad as he thinks it is.

We have of course worked that out since, although he’s still not thrilled over the idea and I don’t intend to dabble again until I have his permission to do so.

It was an interesting experience none the less and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t be my last

I arrived at Deja’s before he did, which gave her and I some time to talk. I filled her in on the incident with the police officer and she had a good giggle with me over it all. We also talked some about Varick and about the sex party at Goodhandy’s that night. She was a little nervous about going, which surprised me, but all in all she seemed open and excited about the idea.

When Varick arrived he came over and kissed me and then sat down beside me with his arm around me. He rested his head against my shoulder and I remarked that he must still be tired from the night before. Apparently he hadn’t slept well, and was feeling sluggish.

Deja ordered us out to fetch coffee for her, so off we went. When we got back from Tim Hortons, he and I plunked ourselves down on the couch together and cuddled up. We watched some TV while we drank our coffees, and talked a lot about the scene from last weekend. I’d also brought him two books on BDSM, since he likes to read, and I thought he’d find tons of useful information in SM 101 By Jay Wiseman, and Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns By Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Deja agreed that both were very highly recommended, and encouraged him to read both thoroughly.

He flipped through SM 101 and we read passages together, discussing some of the topics covered and commenting on a few things we’d like to try. He was especially glad to see a pre-scene negotiation section, as well as extensive checklists of BDSM related activities.

We sort of lost track of time while we had our noses stuck in the books, and then Deja suggested we figure out what to do for supper. After some discussion we settled on this pub within walking distance, and since it was a beautiful day, we strolled over there together, enjoying the sunshine. I got a chance to check out the way Varick walks, which believe it or not, is a peculiar thing I always notice about a man. How they carry themselves says a lot. Varick has a very confident walk, almost a strut really, but not in an arrogant way. It kind of reminded me of this guy I was seeing around the time that I met Jack. He had this walk that just made me want to follow him anywhere.

At one point the sidewalk was too narrow for us to all walk side by side, so Deja and I fell into step behind Varick, and after a few yards of following him she and I exchanged looks and she remarked that we must look like a pimp with his bitches, and I started laughing so hard because I was having the exact same though. We’re kind of ridiculous actually.

The food was pretty good at the pub, and we talked about upcoming play parties and some other kinky events on the horizon. Hopefully I’ll be attending my first play party later this month Looking forward to that.

Bellies full, we sauntered back to Deja’s place. Varick decided that all my cheekiness had certainly earned me a good whipping, so he sent me off to the dungeon to get ready. I stripped down, put on my cuffs, and waited for him by the St. Andrew’s Cross. He opted to blindfold me again, and then snapped my cuffs to the cross and ran his hands up my body. He started on the outsides of my thighs, slowly proceeded up over my hips, my sides, around to my breasts, and then up to my collar bones. He was pressed against my back and his chin was resting on my shoulder. I was already trembling with anticipation, and when he asked if I was ready to begin, I nodded enthusiastically.

He nibbled my ear and then stepped away. Warming up commenced with him giving me some spanks with his hands, and then he selected one of the soft floggers and started in on me. After he was satisfied that I was ready to move on, he began with one of the thuddier, suede implements. Even though the pain was not significant at that point, my brain started swimming, and I could feel my pussy tingling. He paused often to run his fingers over me, and pinch my nipples while simultaneously biting my shoulder. I could feel droplets of liquid begin running down the insides of my thighs, and when he touched my ass I pushed into his hand, begging him like a slut, to touch between my legs.

Alas he did not indulge me, and continued the flogging, checking in with me several times. “Harder” and “Green” were about all I could manage to croak out when he enquired as to how I was doing. I was lost in the moment, and then there were fingernails, leaving trails of fire in their wake. I started panting and quivering, the change of sensation was significant and woke me up enough from my trance that I realized it was Deja and not Varick. The fingernails finished their work on my back, and then withdrew. I stood, braced for whatever was coming. The pause seemed to drag on forever, and then there was a hiss and a crack and I felt my flesh welt and sting. I gasped and threw myself against the cross. Another pause, followed by a series of hisses and cracks and sharp pain and yelping. I knew it was Deja’s single-tail, which hadn’t been used on me before.

There were plenty of pauses during that stretch of the scene, and a number of times when the whip only got near enough for me to feel the ‘breeze’ it created, which made me twitch none the less.

My skin was glistening with sweat and I was trembling hard by the time he finished with the whip. His hands were on me again, and he grabbed a fist full of dreads and pulled my head back, kissing me hard on the mouth. My knees threatened to buckle under me. He let me go and started cooling down the scene. He made sure to stroke and nuzzle me a lot while using some of the very soft floggers on me. I reluctantly wandered back from that far off place, and when he covered me with a blanket and held me tight, I sighed contently and leaned against him.

Carefully he unsnapped the cuffs and gave me a moment to regroup. He made sure I couldn’t fall down, and offered me a bottle of water right away, which I accepted gratefully.

Once I had gathered my wits again, Deja came in and we talked a bit about the scene. She asked us if we wanted to see her violet wand, since she knew I was curious about it. Varick started cleaning the equipment while she got it out and hooked it all up.

It was an interesting sensation when the wand was passed over the skin. Kind of stingy, but also tingly, sort of like getting a tattoo, but less intense. She also had this attachment where she holds onto this rod and then when she touches you, you get a shock, like static, but stronger. That one was cool. She lured me into kissing her and I got quite the zap to the lips and nose, LOL. I was glad to try it, plus I get to cross something off the bucket list:

413. Have a Violet Wand used on me

I could tell that something was off with Varick. He seemed different while he cleaned up, and I was unsure what was wrong. Deja had some things to do in her office so he and I went downstairs. I sat on the couch, stretched out on it, and had him come and sit down, between my legs, which I wrapped around him, with his cheek on my chest. I asked him quietly what was wrong and he said he just felt weird, and kind of down. I thought it might be Top Drop* so I just stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

I felt him shudder against me and when I looked down at his face I noticed that he was crying. I hugged him tight and just allowed him to get it out. I was so honored that he was allowing me to see this part of him. I really, really struggle with being so vulnerable and emotional in front of other people, so I know how hard it can be. I treated it as if he was sharing a special gift with me, and I didn’t push for an explanation. I just held him close to me, with my cheek against his hair.

When he seemed to relax he lifted his head and I gave him a little kiss. He apologised and I told him not to apologise, that it was perfectly ok. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just felt really vulnerable, and like he’d let his guard down with me, and it scared him. I kind of wanted to say “Yeah, I do that to people all the time” but it wasn’t really necessary. I have a very disarming way about me, or so I am told by friends and family.

We cuddled some more, and he said that he didn’t feel like going out, but didn’t want to ruin it for Deja and I. About part way through that he was overwhelmed again and I told him not to worry about it. He made some remarks about how he’s usually always on the defensive with people and suddenly he just felt all exposed.

He said he wanted to step outside, get some air. I offered to go with him but he said he just needed to be by himself for a moment. He went off and I went up to tell Deja what was going on. She got all worried about him too and we debated back and forth about what might be going on.

“Maybe he’s falling for you and he’s all conflicted about it” she said with a grin. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, based on what he’d said about being all vulnerable with me.

She said I should go look for him after he’d been gone about 10 minutes. I decided that would probably be a good idea, just to make sure he was ok. I wandered around the paths behind Deja’s house, and eventually found him, on his way back. We stopped where we met each other and I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked him if he was ok. He said he felt better and he took my hand and we walked back to the house together.

We all sat down in the living room and Deja asked him about his feelings. He said that being with me the night before and then again that day had caused him to let down his walls, and he hadn’t really expected that. He said he hadn’t been vulnerable like that with anyone for a long time, and that what we do in regards to the BDSM is so intense that he was just overwhelmed by it.

Deja went to make him some tea and I whispered to him that really it’s not so bad being vulnerable. He choked up, and shook his head.

“What happened to you?” I asked gently, not wanting to prod too much. He said something about having been hurt badly in the past and that was all I needed to hear. He added that he hadn’t allowed himself to open up to anyone for a long time, and that it was difficult for him. Clearly he has some pretty significant emotional scars, and he’s been closed off and keeping to himself for a while.

He tried to insist that Deja and I go to Goodhandy’s without it, but she and I had already agreed that he wasn’t in any shape to go and if he wasn’t coming with us, we didn’t want to go either. He relented, once we made it clear that we would not be swayed. Deja suggested that we watch a couple of movies instead, and of course he picked I Am Legend, which he knew would scare me because I am a huge wuss when it comes to anything ‘scary’ LOL. He offered to let me hold onto him if I was scared, LOL, what a gentleman

We settled in to watch. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought and I only had to close my eyes a few times. He and I were cuddled up together on the couch, Deja was sitting near me on the other couch and she made a point of grabbing me and shrieking during a particularly tense part, which almost resulted in me jumping off the couch. Cruel woman.

No spoilers here, so no worries. I liked the movie overall, although I don’t think I’ll sleep again, ever.

Next we put in The Notorious Bettie Page, which I’ve seen before. I liked watching it again, because it’s an awesome movie! Varick and Deja hadn’t seen it before and they seemed to really enjoy it as well.

After that movie was over Deja put on the TV and Varick and I switched positions so that he was stretched out on his side and I was stretched out beside him, nuzzled into his chest. I dozed off a few times and he teased me about snoring. Deja invited me to stay the night but I didn’t think Jack would go for it so I declined (only to find out yesterday that he would have been fine with it, damn!) and got ready to head home.

Varick and Deja saw me off at the door. Varick kissed me softly and we hugged, and I hugged and kissed Deja, and off I trotted to my van. The drive home was long, but I made it and crawled into bed with Jack somewhere around 4am.

Yesterday I talked to Deja about what had happened with Varick and she’s pretty confident that he likes me a great deal and he’s kind of freaked out about it. She told me at least a dozen times to ‘go slow’ with him and that she thinks if I go about it the right way, I can help him get past his baggage. She doesn’t want to see either if us get crushed, nor does she want to end up in the middle if things go to hell. I promised her I just want to care for him and that I’m going to be gentle with his feelings and not rush anything.

I’ll admit I was angsty over it all. I was worried that he would pull away or maybe not want to see me again because he’s afraid of what’s happening. He called me later in the day to check in and see how I was doing. He still doesnt know (or doesn’t want to talk about) what was going on with him specifically, but I didn’t press the matter since I know he needs time to figure himself out.

We talked about getting together and I mentioned Jack being away for work on Thursday and Friday this week, and perhaps he’d want to come over after the munchkins were in bed to keep me company. I lured him into saying yes with promises of a hot bath in the jacuzzi, and a massage afterwards. There was also mention of the Tantra chair, and the sex swing. Yum. Jack was pleased that I would have company in his absence, since he knows I get lonely when he is away.

Hopefully he’ll get more comfortable talking about his feelings and I can find out exactly what’s caused him so much distress. So, rather than dreading Jack being gone, I’m actually looking forward to it a little.

*TOP DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

Recently, a question arose that has us at odds with each other, and in an effort to perhaps gain perspectives that hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m putting it out there to my readers.

So here’s a basic overview of the situtation we can’t agree about:

Jack befriends girl.

Girl is dating a married man.

Married man’s wife is not aware that her husband is dating girl.  Girl obviously knows that wife doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to have any problem with the fact that her boyfriend is having an affair on his wife, with her.

Married man keeps telling girl that he will leave his wife.  Eventually it becomes clear that he has no intentions of doing so and girl dumps him.

Girl casually expresses interest in Jack.

Shasta feels HIGHLY uncomfortable with Jack pursuing said girl, because she was party to a situation that Shasta feels was highly unethical.  Shasta thinks that being part of an affair speaks volumes about a person, their ethics, and their attitude towards honesty and relationships.  Shasta trusts Jack but certainly does not trust girl and feels she does not want to be friends, let alone part of a relationship with said girl.

Jack disagrees and feels that since girl wasn’t married herself, she really wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Jack also insists that since HE is trustworthy, Shasta has nothing to worry about were he to get involved with girl.

Sorry if that was confusing, LOL.   It boils down to the fact that I personally feel you are just as responsible for an affair as the married person, if you knowingly participate in deception of that persons spouse.  I would never, ever date someone who I knew was married unless they could provide me with proof that their partner was ok with it.  Even if it’s just a brief conversation on the phone, or something of that nature.

Even though she perhaps didn’t directly participate in the lying, it seems to me that someone willing to get involved with someone under those conditions isn’t the most honest or trustworthy of people.  Yes, Jack and I are polyamorous, so is there any reason for him (or her) to lie?  Maybe, maybe not.  She could lie about all sorts of things, like her sexual history or her STI status.  I trust Jack completely, but he’s also only human, which means she could manipulate him or otherwise create a whole mess of trouble.

I also doubt I could handle getting to know her, or even meeting her.  I’ll admit, I’m judgemental, and suspicious, particularly when it comes to things like this.  I don’t want to be her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her, I don’t care how ‘nice’ she seems.

Jack feels that this is a little unreasonable on my part.  After all, I’ve broken the rules, and I’ve cheated (not when we were married mind you, since I took my initial vows of monogamy very, very seriously) so shouldn’t I try to be at least a little understanding?

Perhaps I should be, even though I think it would be seriously difficult to understand where she is coming from, especially since I don’t get the impression that she felt badly about what she was doing, or that he was cheating on his wife.  The only reason she dumped him is because she wanted him for herself, and he wouldn’t leave his wife.  That doesn’t inspire a lot of understanding in me, it just makes me think she’s a home-wrecking wench.

What do you guys think?  Should I cut the girl some slack and give Jack my blessing to at least have coffee with her?  Do you think I am right to be suspicious of her and her ability to be part of a responsible, ethical, non-monogamous relationship?  I’m curious to hear any thoughts my readers feel like sharing

Note: Often I don’t make the time to respond to comments, however, since I want to create discussion and dialog, I will be responding to every comment on this post and expanding on thoughts or answering questions.

Thus I was in no shape to blog, nor do much of anything else besides lay about and feel like my brain was trying to escape out my nostrils. Also there was much ingestion of Tylenol and Advil and whatever else I could get my hands on.

However, it would seem I am recovering now. Today I didn’t wake up feeling like I had been swallowing knives all night, and thus did not contemplate throwing myself out of our bedroom window.

Yesterday, despite my retched-yet-slightly-improved condition, I had a date with Mr. Latent Dominant Tendencies. He’ll be needing a new name for sure, but not quite yet. Anyway, we had coffee and talked for three hours, hardly realizing how long we’d been at it. Those are the best sorts of conversations, the ones you get lost in like that. He seems very nice, and we hit it off rather well. One thing unfortunately has put a pause on my excitement. His wife. To whom he is still legally married although they have been separated for nearly a year.

You see, I’m not certain how this situation fits in with my usual ethics concerning married couples. As a rule, I won’t be involved with someone who is seeing other people, either committed or casual, unless everyone is aware of the situation. In this case, being separated (the live in different houses) is it totally necessary that she know he is dating? Perhaps I should ask how he thinks she would react if she saw him with another woman? Not sexually of course, but holding hands and kissing perhaps. Have they had a discussion about dating other people and agreed that both of them are totally free to do so without it becoming tangled up in future divorce proceedings and custody negotiations?

I suppose I’ll just have to ask him about it. I’d be lying however if I said it didn’t make me the least bit wary of getting in over my head with this one. I certainly do not want to get into the middle of something that could so easily become very messy and basted in drama.

This week I have to finish preparing the items that I am donating to the party that I mentioned last week. There are still tickets available to anyone who wants to attend. I volunteered last week to help pick out some outfits for the fashion show, and I’m even going to be modelling a couple of them for the show itself Who wants to see me in a naughty cheerleader outfit? Or in my thigh high boots and a button down shirt and nothing else? Please get in touch with me if you’re at all interested in attending, or if you need more information! It’s only three weeks away I can hardly stand to wait that long!

My appointment with the new esthetician went VERY well. I like her a lot! Take the advice of one of my readers and find a European esthetician. They seem to be more thorough and not at all squeamish about doing ‘front to back’ when it comes to Brazilians. She’s a total sweetie, and reasonably priced, so I am very pleased! I’ll be booking with her again a day or two before the party.

Ta Ta for now lovelies! I promise I’ll get back to updating regularly again now that I’m feeling better

I’d write my own long-winded thoughts on the topic, but a witty young thing already said it better than I could, so just go read her post.

Comments are off since this isn’t up for debate here (trust me people, you’re not going to change my mind, you all know how bloody stubborn I am). Please don’t go posting them to other entries or I may have to turn on comment moderation, which I REALLY don’t wanna do.

That is all.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing Jack with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know Jack is interested in trying, although he is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless he knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though he is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and he has been my husband much longer than he has been my Dom), he would not want to jeopardize that just to get his way. Some people might think that he should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else’s preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) he will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if Jack wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of Jack being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked… most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how Jack feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don’t like the idea of Jack being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don’t trust him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don’t think that it comes down to trust. I don’t really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don’t have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if Jack ‘lent me out’ to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don’t want to do, like I don’t want to try scat or blood play. I don’t think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn’t for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don’t feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides Jack makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren’t as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that’s for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn’t want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that he will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don’t think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can’t picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and Jack really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn’t get past that? What if I resented him for the rest of our marriage? What if he wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be OK, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don’t think so, and I know that Jack feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the Jack is not, I hope he will be OK with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, LOL.

The basic summery of this book, is that it’s an in-depth examination of a number of modern taboos which all of us are familiar with. This particular book (I am hopeful there will be more) covers the topics of nasal mucous, excrement, sex, and drug use.

Right from the opening remarks, I found this book fascinating. As I worked my way through the chapters I learned more and more facts and information that I was not previously aware of. It also made me think a great deal, about the source of taboos and why we care so much about them. Books don’t always make me think, but I enjoy and appreciate them that much more if they do. The chapters on sex were of course of the greatest interest to me. Although I enjoyed blurting out obnoxious facts about nose picking and bathroom habits to horrified friends for months afterwards. Our sexual evolution over the course of recorded history is interesting indeed. Societies judgements surrounding homosexuality, prostitution, and infidelity have developed in fascinating ways.

It’s certainly not light reading, and there is a lot of content to absorb, but I feel it’s well worth it. There is also a certain amount of edgy humour mixed in, which is highly appealing (especially to dry, sarcastic people like me). I particularly enjoyed the sections on sex and religion, having grown up Catholic and a sex fiend. Those things are actually mutually exclusive, unless of course every single sex act is initiated with the intent to procreate (which in this household, it most certainly isn’t).

Being very new, this book is not available at many bookstores. However, you can order directly from the publisher, here. Or you can get a copy at one of these fine retailers:

The Beguiling 601 Markham Street Toronto, Ontario Seeker’s Books 509 Bloor Street West Toronto, Ontario

Zoinks! Music And Books 1019 Bloor Street West Toronto, Ontario

Pick up a copy and take a look. If you’re disappointed in the book after reading it, let me know and I’ll send you some sort of a consolation gift.

This Product Receives:

The reason it seemed I was saying one thing here and the opposite there is due to the self-editing involved in this blog. As Mon-Mon commented on this post, I can’t just go around writing whatever I want and expecting people to be fine with it. So, I don’t, particularly when it comes to Jack and some delicate issues in our relationship.

I know that it can be very counter-productive to go airing our dirty laundry all over this blog. In the past Jack has been hurt and felt misrepresented by things that I write here. That’s one of the downsides of just me writing here, or Jack not keeping his own blog. Ya’ll never get both sides of the story really.

Often I can’t help but hold things back, even when I really want to write about a certain topic or event. I don’t want to make Jack look bad because he’s not and even though we have issues sometimes, I don’t know that it’s fair or right to use this as a vehicle for making those issues known.

At the same time, writing is my method of sorting things out internally. I express myself better on here than I do verbally, that’s just a fact. Yes I can have productive conversations and all that, I’m just more thorough and direct when I can write it down.

I’m sure there is middle ground, but the whole situation with the forum and the e-mail troubled me because I started to wonder if I’ve been misrepresenting the truth. I know that was not the intention of the friend who messaged me about it, nor did I take her in that context. It just got me to thinking. What then, is the solution?

I don’t want to hurt Jack’s feelings (or any one’s for that matter) but I want to be honest and open as well.

If I really need to express myself and talking about it hasn’t been enough, is it acceptable to blog about it at the risk of someone being upset? Am I compromising myself too much if I just hold it in?

*Brian Herbert

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about personal strength and being a woman.

Before I get rolling on this let me say first that I do not really consider myself a feminist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I’m not trying to say “Hooray for women, we are so great”. I’ve never been able to identify with the feminist label, nor have I done a lot of research into what being a feminist entails. What I do know is that save for a select few, I have strongly disliked most of the women I’ve met who claim to be feminists, mainly due to their tendency to be victims of their life. Also, even though they claim to want equality, most of them seem to harbour a smug superiority complex towards men, which I find revolting.

That aside, what makes for a strong woman?

Many people have commented to me that they are inspired by my personal strength. While I find this highly flattering, it got me to wondering what it is about me that they perceive as strong?

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to be of the “Yay Me!” variety.

Foremost I believe that strong women refuse to play the victim role in their lives, no matter what the circumstances. Even if they actually WERE a victim, suppose of a rape, they refuse to let that define them, or to control them forever after. The strong women I know tend to be independent (yet still vulnerable) with a solid self image and a clear sense of who they are. Well, as clear as any of us can get, LOL. They do not feed into co-dependant relationships, or allow themselves to stay in situations which force them to compromise excessively.

Generally speaking they seem to live their lives to the fullest they know how. Doing the things that bring them joy and fulfillment without trampling others in the process. They create friendships and connections that are genuine, honest, and open. A strong woman will be upfront with you when you have pissed her off. Rather than avoiding the situation or pushing it aside in order to prevent conflict. She will address the situation at hand, speaking her truth while being accountable for her own experience.

I’m really getting so tired of women who settle for less than complete happiness in life and in relationships. It’s not impossible or unrealistic, and I find it sad and pathetic that any person (man or woman) would rather sit in their own shit, instead of getting up and doing something about it. Why sell yourself short? Don’t you think you deserve the most out of life? Stop letting your partner, your family, or your friends convince you that you can’t do it on your own. Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t capable of doing anything you want to do.

A lot of what drives us to settle or not to strive harder to get what we want is fear. We all get scared sometimes, and if anyone tries to tell you different they are either full of shit, or delusional. Fear doesn’t need to control you however. You know what my motto is?

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

It really is you know. Being afraid of something is the perfect reason to tough it out. Stand up, show your strength. Why do you think I get pretty much everything I want in life? Believe me, I do, but not through questionable means. People tell me all the time that they have never seen me fail at anything I have put my mind to. I can be terrified, which I know means I’ll feel totally awesome when I come out the other side successful. What an awesome way to live, don’t ya think?

Of course just resigning yourself to mediocrity is less work. FAR less. You’d best stay on the porch if you’re not up for a lot of pain and ugliness. Getting the most out of life isn’t easy, but then again, nothing worth doing is. Knowing that is part of what makes a woman (or man for that matter) strong.

You all know I get scared. You know I fall and doubt myself and cry and scream and rage. I want to give up sometimes, more often than I care to admit. Maybe the fact that I never do, the fact that no matter how down I am I always get back up, is why people remark on how strong I am.

Maybe it’s all an act right? I am sure people think that, but you can’t fake real strength for long. You’ll crack under the pressure if you’re all talk and no walk. Real strength, the kind that comes from deep inside you, can’t be pretend. You’ve gotta really believe it, and yourself..

Strong women are not manipulative, nor will they be pushed around. They will gracefully admit to being wrong, while fiercely defending what they feel to be right. Most of them are protective of the people they love and will not shy away from emotional situations. They speak their mind without being arrogant or overbearing.

Being strong doesn’t mean being pushy or insisting on having your way. It also doesn’t mean being cruel, proud (in the negative sense) or haughty. Be proud of yourself, and who you are, but don’t be a braggart or a snit. Strength comes not from a sense of superiority, but from fairness and equality when dealing with other people. Really strong people don’t feel the need to prove themselves, ever, to anyone. They are comfortable and confident with themselves, regardless of the opinions of others.

I know that I am not always everything I’ve discussed here. I don’t think any of us are. People tell me that I am strong and instead of shrugging it off or trying to be modest, I say “Thank You” because I know that it’s true. I AM a strong woman, and I won’t pretend to be otherwise to avoid making people uncomfortable.

I’m really proud to be who I am, and I embrace myself, warts and all. What I don’t like, I’m working on turning around, without blaming my shit on anyone else. The only person who can make or break my life is ME.

My wish is that all of the awesome women (and men) I know will be able to say those words and really mean it, to the depth of their soul. I know I do, do you?

*Charles Stross

Take The SmartAss for one. Some days ago he made something of a crude reference to me and him and this other fuck buddy of his having a threesome. Perhaps it was his delivery but I felt insulted and annoyed. I remained polite but declined stating that I wasn’t interested in getting involved with that (the list of reasons is long…we’ll see if I feel up to including them here in a minute).

The subject was left alone for a day or so and then brought up AGAIN. This time he mentioned that he had told her about my reviews (he knows that I do them) and that I had done a review of the feeldoe. According to him she is quite eager to help me with any future testing. For some reason, I find that, I dunno, a bit presumptuous? She also apparently wanted him to send me some naked photos of her, to see if I would be interested, which I also declined. Do you think I am crazy for being a bit turned off by it all? I mean she doesn’t know me at all, he hardly knows me for that matter, and yet is so very eager to have a threesome with me?

Either he’s highly slimy or she is in the habit of hopping into bed with just about anyone who will sleep with her. I think he finally ‘got’ it after I explained in no uncertain terms that I am not inclined to have random sex with a girl (she’s only 22) that I hardly know. Men are different for me, maybe because my bisexuality is minuscule at best.

I’ve been intimate with 2 women in my life, I had known each of them no less than 7 years at the time we were together. I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve ever encountered who I actually wanted to have sex with. It’s kind of like a solar eclipse, it’s a rare thing. I had never given The SmartAss reason to believe that I was interested in a threesome with him, nor with sleeping with other women. The topic hadn’t been discussed which is why he was surprised to learn about my lack of experience. Why is it that if a woman is more free and open minded about her sexuality, men assume that she is a wild bisexual?

Perhaps that’s the assumption that makes me so irate about the whole thing. Am I wrong to be somewhat put off by that? I feel like any interest I have in him has come to an abrupt halt. I suspect a little of it also comes from his constant talking…nay, bragging, about her. It’s generally subtle, and I think he finds the ability to talk about it with me, due to the open nature of me and my relationships, quite novel. I don’t find myself the least bit jealous, but nor do I wanted to be treated like one of his locker room buddies. I don’t need to know how often he is seeing her, sleeping with her, or what have you. I’d rather not be chatting to him and have him say “Oh, she has the whipped cream out, laters” before departing.

Then I start to wonder if I am just being unreasonable. Maybe being poly means I should be down with that. I’m perhaps not used to it. None of the males I’ve ever been with before bothered to talk much about who else they were seeing. My relationship with K was a different story because of the nature of what we were, I am not speaking of him in this circumstance.

LD never really alluded to seeing others. I know he was, I never asked for details. Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t ASK The SmartAss for details. He just volunteers them and I certainly don’t encourage that. Likewise with Q or H. When I am involved with a man I am just fucking, and not in love with, I don’t really care to hear about who else he is screwing. It’s not that I like to pretend it’s not happening. I am comfortable with that knowledge, and generally I assume that it’s going on even if I don’t know. Just spare me the details because it’s not something I am all that interested in.

It doesn’t make me hot or turn me on, in fact it puts me off because I wonder if you’re talking to her about our sex as well, which is not a sexy thought AT ALL!

Obviously she knows about me and that he and I have been naked together. I wonder what he has told her? Yes indeed, that puts me off a lot!

So I am not sure what the future is for The SmartAss and I, if any. Honestly I’ve found any attraction for him waning with this whole threesome thing and all the talking about his fuck buddy. Perhaps I am just being unreasonable and temperamental.

I know one thing, being so easily irritated leads to some interesting blog posts

*Stephen R. Donaldson

Namely, flaky people.

What do I mean by that you might wonder? Just to be crystal clear, this is not directed towards Jack but towards other people whom seem to enjoy toying with someone very dear to me. People have remarked that I make a brilliant friend. Loyal, honest, loving…you can see it in my writings to V, my writings to Jack, among others. I care deeply for people, I am very forgiving, and I accept and appreciate all aspects of the people I love.

However, there is a dark side there which rarely gets exposed because most people heed well the warning that getting on my bad side is a very, very bad idea indeed.

I don’t say that to sound menacing but if you ask some of the people who’ve seen it, I am one hell of an enemy.

You have to push the limits very far before you can personally hurt me or piss me off to the point that I become really angry. Even then, I am quick to forgive and I dole out second (and third, fourth, 118th) chances like it’s going out of style. It’s hard to fuck with me to the point that I’ll dislike you.

On the other hand, if you cross someone I love or irritate them in any way, I will crucify you as soon as look at you.

Jack is completely capable of taking care of himself. He doesn’t ever need me to get involved in his personal situations and might even be irritated with me for writing this now. I feel the need to say something though, so I’ll risk it and hope that he understands I have some pent up annoyance that is looking for an outlet.

There is a situation at hand that I’ve watched play out in the not so distant past. Someone significant to Jack basically blew him off without so much as an explanation. No warning, no indication as to why they suddenly had zero interest or time for him. As much as it pissed me off at the time, I did my very best to stay out of it. Eventually a few e-mails were exchanged and I realised this person was not someone who could be reasoned with. Being so self-centered and completely inconsiderate of anyone but themselves, asking for an explanation was as productive as watching paint dry. It hurt Jack to some extent and had I known how manipulative and cruel said person was going to be I would have done something a lot sooner.

Now it seems a similar set of circumstances is unfolding, and try as I might to explain it to myself, I am coming up short. I really like the person in question, who shall remain unnamed, but now she is causing my husband grief and it really pisses me off. A lot. Nobody treats my man like crap, ever. He might be too sweet to say it, but I’m not because it won’t be the first time I’ve lost friends over something I write here.

Jack has never been anything but wonderful to you, even though you make really questionable choices sometimes and your insane schedule makes you difficult to be friends with. He cares about you a great deal, and you have been avoiding him for over a month. While I realise that life gets very busy, especially being privy to a lot of what you have gone though, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you at least return a phone call, or follow through with either solidifying or declining tentative plans. Leaving someone hanging with no explanation is rude and selfish. Not the sort of behaviour I would ever have expected from you. I am hopeful there is an explanation of some sort, besides just “I’m so busy” because we all get busy and some of us have never made a habit of blowing people off without at least some notice or explanation, followed by an apology.

Did he say or do something inappropriate that made you uncomfortable? Sometimes Jack crosses the line, we all do it, often unintentionally. If I had to count the people I’ve offended I’d need at least a dozen of my readers to take their socks off and hold out their fingers. If that is the case then the grown-up thing to do is to tell him that. If you don’t want to do it face to face or on the phone there is always e-mail. Avoidance never solves anything and it makes you look like a flake.

If, for whatever reason, you no longer wish to be his friend, just come on out with it already. You dislike being strung along, I know that because we’ve talked about it. Why would you inflict that on someone else?

Suppose though that you don’t feel that things have changed at all? Would you at least be willing to look at your behaviours in the recent past and question that? Have you called him back when he phoned you and left a message? Have you done any follow up on plans that were mentioned in passing but not yet set in stone? Has he been making all the effort to see you and yet you cannot possibly spare an hour of your time for him during the very rare occasions that he’s in your area? Have you been treating him the way you would like to be treated in return?

I am certainly not trying to stir up shit or call you out. I haven’t mentioned who you are because I am hopeful that this can all come to some comfortably resolution. I just know Jack, and I know he’s too sweet to tell you that he’s hurting because of your disinterest in being his friend. If you are angry with me, that’s OK, please don’t punish him for any beef we have with each other. He can’t be held responsible for what I write because I am my own person and he respects that enough that he won’t control me.

Know that I won’t speak of this again, I just felt I needed to say something, now I have and I’ll quite happily go back to my usual chipper and adoring self.

*David Brin

Now that I live in a new city I have the option of keeping it secret. In Calgary it was hard because I started off telling people about it and then even if I didn’t tell them it usually got found out through a mutual friend or it would get mentioned in passing at social gatherings and then all the people who didn’t know would get very curious.

It’s not that I really cared though, it was more or less just a problem when it came to writing about some of those people. When O was ‘involved’ with Jack (I use the term loosely because I could hardly call it a relationship) she requested that I not write about their relationship. I grudgingly went along with it because I don’t like to disrespect people and their privacy. When I was first seeing LD he also asked me not to write about him, and again I reluctantly agreed. It was terribly annoying on both counts, but I didn’t know what else to do under the circumstances. I didn’t want to piss anyone off or deter them from being my friend, etc. At the same time, major stuff can happen and then I am at a loss for how to sort myself out. I’ve debated secret blogs and the like, but that seems…I dunno, like more hassle than I should have to go through.

After the thing with O and LD I decided that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me what I could or could not write here. That’s not fair and I’ll never agree to it again. It’s not like I go around using people’s real names or identifying them in any way so why should I have to watch what I say? If you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t get involved with me.

Then there is another issue. All that aside, what if I want to go on a tear about a person? Like on the weekend when I made this post about not being able to write here, it was actually because Jack reads this blog, and I was feeling aggravated about something between him and I. I didn’t want to just rip him apart to get out frustration, I was actually not sure how to communicate to him what I wanted and why I was upset about how things were going.

However, I didn’t think that Jack would appreciate me doing that. Being only mediocre at verbal conversation under pressure, I use this blog as my sounding board to get all of my thoughts in a row. It gives me great self-perspective, and it’s cathartic for me. When I can’t or don’t want to write I find other ways. Talking to friends, having some quiet time, writing in my journal to V, etc. Rarely I get caught between a rock and a hard place when all I want to do is write here and yet can’t.

So it seems obvious, just don’t tell anyone about this blog if I am going to be in a relationship of any type with them. However, if I am going to be at all close with someone, then I feel like I have to keep part of me a secret. A lot of work and effort goes into this place, and I am really proud of it. It also seems somewhat unethical to write at length about someone and not tell them. I mean having a private diary is one thing, but putting out out to the world like this is another. That’s just my feelings of course, I know a lot of people who keep blogs which are secret from their spouse or friends or significant other. That’s not really me though. The main reason that people are so comfortable being open with me, is that I do my best to be totally open and honest with them. I think that if someone I was close with found out way after the fact that I had been writing about them in secret on my secret blog, it would shatter that.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s easy to say “Well whatever you feel comfortable with” but I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable either way. There are pros and cons both ways so I am asking all of you for your thoughts.

If you were involved with someone and then found out later that they had been blogging about you for months would you feel like you had been lied to? Betrayed? Would you be hurt or angry?

Do you keep your blog a secret from significant others? How or why is that so? Do you think you would ever share it with them?

If people know about your blog do they give you a hard time about things you may or may not write about them? Do you allow people any input whatsoever? Why or why not?

So many questions! I was going to create a poll but there are just too many possible answers so I hope some of you will share with me in the comments or via e-mail.

Tonight I am going to a local Kink Munch* to try to meet some people and make some like-minded friends. Wish me luck Details tomorrow!

*Munches have become a way to meet like-minded kinky folk in an informal and hassle-free environment. Usually the setting for a “munch” is a restaurant or coffee shop or similar environment. – Society Of Janus Website

*Neal Stephenson

It doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore. A place where I can vent my feelings openly and honestly. I feel like I have to edit myself, consider the feelings of others first before I just go off on a rant.

Generally in these situations, when something happens that I feel I cannot write about, I find other outlets. Other places or people with whom I can share my thoughts and sort out me feelings before dealing with the issue at hand.

Now I find myself in a situation where I don’t know anyone, or anywhere that I can go. I feel like a hermit. I feel isolated and alone.

I know that’s just a perception. There are people I could call, but talking on the phone when all you really want is someone to hug you really won’t cut it. Besides, it’s the weekend. I don’t feel like being an inconvenience to anyone back ‘home’ with my bullshit. Certainly none of them would see it that way, but it’s how I feel and I am choosing not to be rational at the moment.

Besides that, considering the issue at hand, it’s not something I would like to talk about with just anyone.

Yes, I am wallowing. I’m frustrated and mopey and disappointed and sad. It has nothing to do with the move or general life stuff, although that certainly seems to be aggravating things.

I don’t even feel like I can rant about it here properly because I feel like doing so would just make the situation worse.

What good is this place when I can’t even come here to have a moment with myself, when there are no other options?

*Thank you Spam Folder and the dyslexic people that send me bullshit

My extremely close friendship with V has often been the subject of envy and curiosity from others. I’m not sure if she gets this sort of thing as often as I do, but people have asked me how we manage it. People have commented to me that they wish they could have a best friend relationship like V and I have. It’s something so special and I will admit I frequently take it for granted that other people have best friends like I do. This is far and wide not the case, and I can count far too many women (and men as well) who do not have a ‘Bestest Best Friend’ in their lives.

V and I have a relationship that parallels my relationship with Jack. She is one of the two soul mates I am so blessed to have in my life right now. That I love her is never a question, and I now bear a permanent mark as a tribute to that love and to our relationship. I refer to her often as my wife and spouse, because best friend just doesn’t do our relationship justice. We are so close that I think if we could, we would share the same body. If one of us had been a man we would be living happily ever after as I write this. She and I have been a tight unit for 10 years now, and we have plans to grow old together, just like I have with Jack.

So, I thought maybe I’d let slip a few things that V and I make a consistent and conscious effort to do to keep our relationship as close as it is. I hope she doesn’t mind me revealing them, but I think if other people can benefit and form closer relationship with their friends, then it’ll be worth it.

1. Work on your communication skills: Just like in marriage, friendships require communication. Never assume that it’s just going to ‘come naturally’. V and I have in the past experienced difficulty communicating with each other. We were sometimes too embarrassed or afraid of causing conflict to be forthcoming with each other. I recall the time we had a brief discussion about abortion and I didn’t want to create waves so I didn’t bother saying much about my anti-choice thinking as opposed to her pro-choice stance. It bugged me for a few days afterwards and eventually it occurred to me that V would want me to be true to myself. She would want me to feel confident enough to share my difference of opinion with her and know that regardless we would still love each other and be best friends. So I told her my opinions and we have gently agreed to disagree on that particular topic. We are able to accept and respect the opinion of the other and not let it get in the way of our relationship. Having good communication is essential to any great relationship, romantic or otherwise.

2. Romance each other: V and I often go to great lengths to make each other feel special and appreciated. The previous two years she happened to be single on Valentine’s Days and because both Jack and I love her, we wanted to include her in our plans. We did not do this because we felt ‘sorry’ for her, we did it because she is a part of our family and we love her and since the holiday is centered around love, doesn’t it make sense to have both of my loves with me for dinner? Had she been in a relationship I would assume that her significant other would likely want to do something special to celebrate THEIR relationship, but I would have extended the invitation to them anyway. Think of things you would do for someone you are dating and then do those things for your friend. V and I have gone on many dates, made each other dinner, taken each other out. We court each other, we make the other feel significant, special, and appreciated.

3. Call each other on wrongs: It’s bound to happen that people you care about are going to have some habit or way of doing things that either you don’t agree with or that annoys you greatly. They are also going to make some really dumb choices or refuse to get themselves out of situations that are making them unhappy. Your job is to lovingly point these things out to them and help them see what it is that is happening in a more objective way. For instance, there have been times when V took issue with some of my parenting methods. It wasn’t extreme at any rate, but things that I did which she disagreed with. So, she told me. I was understandably upset and she was prepared for that. I cried a little and then thanked her profusely for caring enough about me and my family to point out these things to me. The behaviour was worked on and it all came out well. There was also V’s chronic habit of being late. We would make plans and then she wouldn’t show up on time. We aren’t talking 10 minutes, but hours late. It got to the point that I would invite her to things and not expect to see her until several hours after the appointed time. Not good. I didn’t want her to get all upset, so I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Finally I got brave and laid it out to her. The constant lateness not only made me feel disregarded and unimportant (like my time wasn’t valuable to her at all) but I knew it couldn’t be making her feel very good to be always breaking her agreements with people. She felt terrible initially. She said it was both hardest and best to hear it from me because she loved and respected me so much that it hurt that much more to know she had caused me these feelings. However, since bringing it up she has committed herself to being more punctual, and we both feel loads better.
I know know how hard it can be to tell someone something negative about themselves, but if you love and respect them you owe it to them to point out the behaviour. There are also instances when a person needs to be yanked out of their own shit. When V’s relationship with M was headed downhill it started to seriously show even before I knew that things were amiss. She would call me and I could hear it in her voice, she was not herself. We would get together and for the first part of our time she would act sad/irritated/not herself. V is one of the bubbliest, happy-go-lucky, and enjoyable people I know, this is why her being sullen is very strange. After a month or so of this I just out and said “What the hell is going on? You’re miserable, I can tell, please share with me”. So she unloaded about her relationship troubles. It’s not that she had been with-holding from me, I think she was mostly just trying to get by without acknowledging how bad it had become. Once I told her that it was obvious to me she started to look at it more objectively and came to the realization that she was really unhappy.
A little known fact regarding the three of us (Jack, V, and I) is that in the beginning of my relationship with Jack he and Vi did NOT get along. I think he was threatened by how close she and I were and worried that if V didn’t approve of him I would dump him. Jack dislikes feeling that he must earn approval from anyone. V I think felt that Jack was too demanding of my time and perhaps a touch controlling. This rift between them caused me a great deal of stress.
When I told her that Jack and I were planning to get married she was the only person who didn’t squeal with joy. In fact she was more interested in making sure I was doing this for the right reasons rather than congratulating us on the upcoming nuptials. I think to some degree she was also a little worried that if I married Jack, she would never see me again! Regardless she still stood beside me on my wedding day and delivered the most fantastic speech at our reception.
I truly know that our refusal to hold anything back from each other is the biggest reason we are as close as we are, which is probably why this particular point is so long-winded, LOL.

4. Make time for each other regularly: There was a time when V and I lived in the same city and yet rarely saw each other. In fact I went my entire second pregnancy without ever seeing her. Mind you during that time I was busy having babies and adjusting to a new marriage and there just never seemed to be time. It was also the most isolated and alone I had ever felt in my life. I didn’t make my friends a priority. I remember so many times that Jack would encourage me to call V or see her but I was caught up in my own shit and depression that I couldn’t bring myself to be around anyone. We did do things sometimes. When Luke was a year old V and I spent a weekend camping with A out in Saskatchewan. However, it was rare. One day, shortly after Sadie was born V and I were on the phone and I said “This is so stupid. We live in the same city and we never get together. Something has to change” and she agreed. We decided to commit to getting together once a month. Before long that evolved into approximately once a week. Recently we went three weeks without seeing each other (due to crazy circumstances) and it just about killed us.
Things might have continued as they were back then had we not made a mutual commitment to make each other a priority. Life is busy, it’s so easy to just put things off. Put off time with friends, recreation, anything that isn’t vital to survival. We got tired of putting each other off. Tired of saying “Maybe next month we can make plans”. The greatest gift you can give your friends is time with you. One-on-one time included, because you can’t reach the level of intimacy that V and I have if you are constantly around other people. Being faced with our separation we have agreed to talk on the phone regularly to try and ease the pain of being apart. We will do what we can to get through the next year until she moves in with us, and just the thought of seeing her every day makes my heart feel like it might burst with happiness.

5. Have specific activities or ‘traditions’ that are just for the two of you: This once can be precarious if one or both of you are in serious relationships with others. I want to give an example before I launch into a better explanation of this one. V and I keep a diary to each other. We have a notebook that we use to write letters to each other. This special method of communication between us was started years ago, when we were first friends. Being in high school together it was often difficult to share thoughts during classes, so we had a notebook and essentially wrote each other notes in it. I remember fondly, skidding that little notebook up and down the isles of the desks during class. After we left school V kept the notebook, although at times we have sat down together and re-read it.
Some years ago we decided to revive the concept. I bought a notebook and wrote letters to her in it. I kept it like I a diary to her for a few weeks and then I would give it to her to read and write in for a few weeks, and then it came back to me and back and forth like that. In this way we were able to share thoughts with each other when we couldn’t always see each other or talk on the phone.
Jack has been forbidden to ever read the pages of these books, even though it is often laying about unattended. This is not because I have written things in there that I am keeping from him, since Jack and I have a marriage of full disclosure (I will explain what that means shortly, since it applies to V and I as well). However, V shares things with me that she may not be comfortable with Jack knowing. It is not my place to share her private thoughts with him. Likewise her boyfriends are not permitted to read it for the same reasons. Issues if privacy aside, it’s also because that book is just OURS. A special ‘secret’ between V and I that we do not share with anyone else. Jack and I have special things between us that we have agreed not to share with anyone else as well. I am not speaking about deep dark secrets or things of that nature, but places we go or things we do together that we do not do with anyone else. Neither V nor I keep a diary like this with anyone else. It’s unlikely that either of us ever will. It’s ours, plain and simple.
Having specific activities/places/traditions for just the two of you creates a special sort of bond. It doesn’t have to be amazing or elaborate. V and I drink the same beverage when we go out. Even though other people around us might also have it, and we also drink other things on occasion, it’s still something small that is special to us. We habitually order for each other because we know what the other likes. That might not seem all that great to anyone else, but we have assigned it significance. Cooking together is another. V is the only person who has earned the right to be in my kitchen with me when I am cooking. I turn into SUPER ANAL RETENTIVE person when I am cooking and generally anyone else who tried to get near me will have to duck out of the way of the spatulas and spoons hurtling towards them. She and I work exceptionally well together and I would say that in many situations we read each others thoughts and just know what to do and how to do it in complimentary ways.
As I said, many things will not seem spectacular or notable to other people, which is perhaps part of the magic of it. To the two of you they will be special while outsiders remain oblivious.

6. Have a relationship of Full Disclosure: I think this one is perhaps harder for others than it has been for us. V and I keep absolutely nothing from each other. She knows every dirty little secret, every scandalous detail, every minuscule moment of my life. I can say with complete confidence that it goes both ways. We tell each other absolutely EVERYTHING. Within reason of course. I don’t call her every day to tell her what I had for breakfast, but if she asked me I’d certainly share, LOL. I have talked to her about things that I never thought I would talk to anyone about, and she embraces all of my skeletons and shortcomings with the kind of love and acceptance that most people can only dream about. She’s my safe place, no matter what. That’s also the sort of relationship I have with Jack, which is one of the main reasons we have such a close and successful marriage.
People just either have to accept that if they tell me something, I am most likely going to talk to both Jack and V about it, or they should not share with me. That’s just the way it rolls. Jack has never asked me to keep something a secret from V, nor has V ever asked me to keep a secret from Jack. We have an agreed mutual understanding that it just won’t happen. I am generally up front with other people about this arrangement so that they can make an educated choice about sharing secrets or personal information with me. That said if someone still chooses to talk to me about something delicate and personal, I AM able to assure them that it will stay between me and my two significant others. Neither V nor Jack would ever blabber something I had told them in confidence. This probably sounds insane to people, but I don’t think you can have the sort of relationship that V and I have if you withhold things from each other.

7. Ask each other for favours: This one probably seems strange. How will asking each other for help make you closer friends? I know many people who are reluctant to ask other people for help. They are too proud, too embarrassed, too whatever. Admitting that you need help makes you vulnerable. It also gives your friend the opportunity to do something nice for you, which in turn makes them feel good. I don’t know about you but I like helping my friends. That can be difficult to do if they never ask for help or give you the opportunity to do so. Be vulnerable to your friends, admit that you need help and then graciously accept their generosity when they say yes! Likewise if someone asks you for help be honest with them. If you really can’t do it explain why. Otherwise embrace the opportunity to do something for your friend that they can’t do for themselves (or which is highly inconvenient to them).
That said, don’t enable your friend to be useless. If they are asking for help with something you know very well they can do themselves, gently point that out to them and ask them why they are reluctant to do the task for themselves.

8. Don’t keep tabs: V and I do a lot of activities together. We have a very loose arrangement for who pays for what. Generally, whoever has money at that moment pays the lions share of the cost. We’ve been doing this for years. I have no idea who has paid more or less often. Neither of us care to keep track. There have been times when I was broke flat and she paid. Sometimes I pay and she drives me around the city to all of our destinations and I don’t have to chip for gas. We each contribute what we can and we never resent the other if they are in a tight spot. We have both been there.
This does not just include money but extends to all of the ways in which we do things for each other. Why bother to keep track or try to make either party feel indebted to the other?? We never wanted lack of money get in the way of doing things together, so it became something of an unspoken agreement. I can’t count the times that we knew things were tight for the the other and just picked up the phone to say “Lets go for drinks and nibbles, my treat” so that the broke person didn’t have to say “I can’t go because I can’t afford it”.
When we are both broke, we just do things that don’t cost money, like hang out at each others house and talk. That’s one of our most favorite things to do and even when we can afford to go out we’ll often just hang out and talk.

9. Compliment each other: I’m not talking about just blowing smoke up their ass. V has a lot of awesome talents, and so do I. Particularly when one of us is feeling down the other is quick to remind that person of all their great skills and attributes. V and I both suffer insecurity when it comes to our weight, and I’m not about to bullshit her and say “What are you talking about? You’re totally skinny” because she’s not, neither am I, but we are working towards being healthy. She IS a gorgeous woman, which is not a lie, and I can also remind her that she has a beautiful face, adorable little feet (I always tease her about her little ‘elf shoes’ since my feet are several sizes larger than hers) and than any part of her she dislikes she can do something about. If I tried to give her some crap untrue compliment it would just make her feel like I don’t respect her enough to be honest. I make my very best effort to always tell her how adored and appreciated she is and to point out the very best things about her, and she does the same and then some for me.

10. Be there for each other as much as you can possibly manage: Lots of times people will say “Oh yeah, call me anytime” and only half-way mean it. Or even if they do mean it, people never bother to take them up on it. V and I have both called each other at totally INSANE times of the day because we needed someone and she is really the only person I can think of who would be happy to talk to me at 4am. She has rearranged her schedule for me when I was in real distress. We’ve met with each other come hell or high water during hard times. Even if it meant 45 minutes each way just to give her a hug I have no problem doing that for her because I know she would and has done it for me. If we really can’t see each other in person (like for the next year) then we will do what we can to support and love each other over the phone. It’s just one of those things that you do for your closest friend. These sorts of things are not extended to all of my friends because as much as I care about all of the people in my life there are different levels of what you will and will not do for them.

Hopefully that has given you some idea of how V and I make our friendship the way it is. It certainly doesn’t just ‘happen’ by itself. We have both commited to being the very closest friends we possibly can.

I know that even if I were living in the middle of the Sahara Desert we would remain the best of friends. It’s just a given at this point. We are going to be together for life, no question. She’s my girl, she’s got my back, and I have hers.

This video is for her, because hearing this song makes me happy, just like she does:

When The Night Feels My Song – Bedouin Soundclash