Stiletto Diaries™

The World Will Never, Ever Be The Same, And You’re To Blame

Posted on January 6th, 2010 in Collar And Cuff, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Tie Me Up

Monday marked the end of my second month as Aiden’s slave.

Typing that word in reference to myself still makes me cringe a bit, but not as badly as it did in the beginning.  I’ve grown accustomed to some aspects of wearing a collar 24/7, but many are still a struggle.

Asking for what I want is sometimes extremely difficult.  For example, I am not permitted to masturbate without permission, but rather than ask, I will often assume the answer will be no, and just not bother.  There are times when my submissive feelings embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable.

Some things are becoming easier.  I’ve been more obedient, at least in terms of completing tasks set to me, and doing as I am told.  I’ve been less bratty and rebellious.  I’m adjusting, somewhat slowly, to the fact that I really don’t get to make my own decisions a lot of the time.

We’ve both had our moments of doubt that this would work.  There have been times when I wanted to take my collar off and throw it at his head.  I wanted to tell him that he makes a far better boyfriend than he does a Dominant and that I just would prefer a “normal” relationship.  He questioned how serious I was about being his slave.  He thought perhaps I just wanted a collar as a status symbol, without all of the commitment required.  There have been a couple of disagreements, I’ve had a tantrum or two, but we seem to find our way.

The main sticking point currently, as far as Aiden is concerned, is that I still haven’t really accepted the fact that my time is no longer my own.  I am so in the habit of doing as I please, when I please, that it’s difficult for me to remember that I must ask, or at least notify him before I leave the house, talk on the phone to my friends, or agree to social activities (among other things).  My time, at least what does not belong to Jack and the kids and my job, is all his, and I am supposed to ask how best to spend that time, and not just decide for myself.  My time is to be spent pleasing him, regardless of what that means.

He feels that when that finally clicks somewhere in my brain, I will become a far better slave, and I agree that he’s right.  Yes I’m still a bit of a brat.  My alligator-mouth writes cheques for my hummingbird-ass all the time, but he’s generally lenient unless I really get out of line.  He will tolerate playful unruliness, but he will not put up with blatant disrespect.  Sometimes I step over the boundaries before I can catch myself, but in my perception it is getting better.  He will often give me a stern look when I’m pushing my luck, which is fair warning.

Initially, I think I really pushed the envelope because I wanted to test him.  I wanted to see if he was really serious.  Then one week I *really* irritated him, and acted like a totally sassy bitch.  So he zip-tied me to an ironing board, told me not to pull it over, and then hit me with the “whippy stick” until I cried.  To really make his point, he didn’t stop when the tears started, but finished what he’d begun, and then fucked me in the ass until I begged him to stop and promised to do as I was told.

After that, I decided it would be in my best interest to keep my behavior in check.

I’m sure that makes him sound like a total dick to some of you, but it was a justified punishment.  I knew I was being terribly disobedient and stubborn, and I knew what would happen if my behavior continued.  He gave me plenty of warnings, which I dismissed.

Fortunately, since then, I have behaved well enough to really avoid any more significantly harsh punishments, but I’m certain it will probably not be the last.  I am, after all, only human.

The “Ironing Board Incident” did have one somewhat distressing side effect.  It kind of killed my desire to play at all for quite a few weeks.  I hadn’t really noticed it until Aiden brought it up during his time here after Christmas, because it sort of seemed as though we just hadn’t made time for play.  Once he mentioned it though, it sort of dawned on me that he had invited me to play a number of times, and I had declined each time, even though it wasn’t going to be punishment.

We talked about it some, and during the time he was here we did a bit of light playing, briefly, but it was enough to warm me up to the idea again.  I’m really hoping we find some time to play this weekend, as he’s promised me a really lovely scene if I’m good all week (which I am making my very best effort to accomplish).  I’m also hoping he might chain me to his bed by my collar one of these nights, as it’s sort of one of my pet fantasies.

Our current contract comes up for re-negotiation and renewal at the beginning of February, and it will be interesting to see what we decide to change, if anything.