Stiletto Diaries™

The Song “The Final Countdown” Is Now Playing In Your Head

Posted on December 14th, 2009 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned Kade around here for a long time.  Not since October 21st, to be precise, and before that it was August 12th.

The relationship ended, as far as I was concerned, sometime mid-September, but I’ve been avoiding dealing with it since then because I hate giving people the “lets just be friends” talk.  Aiden has been on me to write him an e-mail and just be honest with him for well over a month, but I didn’t know what to say, and I was kind of hoping if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away.

Honestly, I’m not really that kind of person.  The kind that just leaves a guy hanging and stops replying to his e-mails and text messages.  It’s mostly because I was his first girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t know how to let him down gently.

Eventually I couldn’t leave it any longer (ok,  Aiden was threatening to fuck me up the ass, none too gently) and I sent him a note explaining why I’d been out of touch, and what I was feeling regarding he and I.  I didn’t do it in person because for one, I haven’t even seen him to hang out since the beginning of July, and for two because this seemed like it would be the more efficient than driving 45 minutes each way to say “Hey!  Haven’t seen you in almost six months but I just wanted to say, I hope we can still be friends”.  We’ve never spoken on the phone either, because he has pay-as-you-go and very limited minutes, that he prefers to save for text messaging.

It basically came down to the fact that for one, we rarely spent time together in person, and for two, he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Due to his social anxiety issues, he wasn’t into going out and doing activities together, which I found really hard to tolerate for any period of time.  He also wasn’t into having people over very often, because he found it stressful, which made it difficult to spend time together.

Kade really caters to his fears and anxieties a lot more than I expected at first, and after a while I came to understand that he wasn’t all that interested in getting over some of them either, which was discouraging.  As much as I liked him, many of the things holding him back in life made it difficult, if not impossible, to actually create a relationship.

To top it all off, poly is not something he’s interested in long-term.  He wasn’t willing to form any sort of deep emotional attachment to me, because what he really wants in a relationship is monogamy, and I respect that, but obviously it’s not going to work for me.  I didn’t want to be the “until” girlfriend.  The person he dates until someone comes along who is single and into monogamy.  Sometimes that can’t be helped in relationships, but it’s different when it happens by accident.

I was as gentle as I could possibly be, since I didn’t want to be hurtful, and yet I didn’t want to leave any room for “maybe we can work it out”.  He took it much better than I expected, and agreed with my observations that he probably wasn’t ready for the type of relationship that I wanted, and that dating someone you only see once every five or six months is rather ridiculous.  He added that he was glad that his first relationship experience had been with someone like me and that he did hope we could remain friends.  He’s a super sweet kid, and I do hope that he meets a more suitable partner in the very near future.

It was a huge relief to finally have dealt with the situation, even though it took months longer than it should have.  I really did like him a great deal, and I hope that he finds a way to be happy and satisfied with his life.  I’m sure that when he’s ready he’s going to make a really good boyfriend, just not for me.