Such A Retardicon
Posted on July 29th, 2007 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Made In Alberta, Migration Paths, Photos, Polyamory
Here are a few photos from a recent trip out to Elbow River Falls. Jack took V and I there one evening after dinner. It was a lovely night as the three of us walked along the edge of the river (me snapping pictures, as always).
Click on any of the images below to see the full-sized photo. I’m glad to have these for the memories they represent. I’m still not sure how I am going to manage an entire year without my V…I get so sad when I think about it.
Right this minute I feel like making a picnic and going off somewhere beautiful to enjoy food and friends. It’s not possible at the moment, and I’ll admit I am allowing myself a moment to wallow in my grief. Mourning the loss of memories not yet made, fun not yet had, experiences not yet lived. There will be plenty of that on the other end of course, it’ll be slow for a while in the beginning. Making friends takes time and energy. I’ll have plenty of the former but I suspect the latter will be lacking.
In these moments I question if this was the right decision. Are we really doing the right thing? Am I going to be able to live with this long term? If we hate it we can come back, but to what? Jack will need to find a new job, I will have to find a new house as good as the current one and the one before that. Moving across the country costs a lot of money. We would have to hate it an awful lot.
It’s too late to turn back now, but I can’t stop myself from wondering what the hell it is we think we are doing. Is there such a thing as the ‘right’ thing?? A better question is ‘Was it the BEST thing?’
Time will tell I suppose. My heart is heavy, and it aches in my chest. My brain keeps repeating “This is a Good Thing. We are going to be happy. We are going to love Ontario”. The feelings part of me has a hard time believing it.
It’s sort of like poly in that way. My brain can accept Jack being with someone else…my heart and soul are a different matter. Why do things in life put my logic and my feelings at war with each other?
I need chocolate. I need my V. I need to not be crying.
July 29th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
It’s life every now and again you need a leap of Faith to know your still human. You have a great husband and friends that will be to here to help you out the best they can on any decision you make. The Freezing
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July 30th, 2007 at 1:24 am
I don’t comment often, but I read quite a bit.
This is just a new phase in your life and sure to be as wonderful as the last one has been. Ups and downs are to be expected, but I think you will find your footing and new happiness in short time.
Your friends won’t fade away or disappear. They will always be a phone call or an email away.
I know it’s hard, but it’s okay to feel the grief and mourn the distance even as you look forward to new adventures.
You’re both going to be fine.
Reply To The Above Comment
July 30th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
The Freezing & Anon,
Thank you both for your gentle reassurance. It makes blogging that much better to know that I have such kind supporters reading my thoughts.
XOXO
Shasta
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