Wasted Day. Wasted Life. Dessert, Please.*
Posted on December 18th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
I don't know what I want to say here just yet. It's been a long time since I needed to write so badly but couldn't necessarily find the words. Something is happening right now and it doesn't make any sense and it hurts and I hate it and I am trying to desperately to fix it but I don't know if I have the tools.Jack has found a young woman via the Internet who thinks he's about the sexiest thing that ever lived (can't argue with her there). Their conversations are long and mostly involve discussing all the sexual things that they are planning to do when she gets back from visiting her family. She's an attractive young thing, thin and pretty, just what Jack needs for a fling or even a prolonged relationship. She seems very genuinely attracted to him and has no problem with their encounters being purely sex-based, at least to begin with, who knows where it might go from there.
In my brain I couldn't be happier for him. I am really glad that he is having more success when it comes to females. I can see that it makes him feel good and I know sometimes he feels like he is too old or not attractive enough for this whole poly thing. It's hard enough to win over women when you are single and shy, never mind when you have a wife and kids in tow. It's exciting for him and I know how fun and thrilling the early stages of a relationship are, and I don't want to begrudge him that experience.
On the other hand, my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest and I just want to die inside when I think about him doing sexual things with someone else.
We talked about it last night and at first I just felt general yuckiness and then upon closer examination I came to the conclusion that my negative feelings center almost entirely around sex. I don't mind if he dates women, kisses them, or even falls in love with them. For whatever reason none of those things are especially threatening. It's just when I think about him being intimate with anyone that I get all of these horrible feelings. Of course as soon as I start feeling badly I start berating myself for not being able to deal with this better. I've read all the stuff, I know all the steps to handling jealousy, yet I can't seem to get the end result.
I suspect that my negative feelings, which seem to manifest themselves as anger towards Jack, which is very troubling, are totally based on my personal insecurities. What sort of insecurities you might ask? Well foremost, I have some pretty serious body issues. I don't talk about it a lot here, or really anywhere, but there are a lot of things about my physical self that I really loath. I do not have the kind of body that I want, the kind of body that I used to have. I know that there are ways that I can shed some pounds, or even plastic surgery if I really want to be extreme, but even then, I think I will still hate how I look. I am neither thin nor especially beautiful, and I have a hard time being happy with myself the way I am. Just when I think I have figured it out, I seem to end up back where I started.
I have been this way almost my entire life. The only time I can recall feeling satisfied with my appearance was for about 6 months, right after I turned 18 and right around the time that I met Jack. I am not sure if this is just selective memory on my part or if I really did feel good about myself. I believe it to be the latter. During that time I was in excellent shape, I walked everywhere since I didn't have a car, and I loved shopping for clothes because I looked cute in pretty much anything.
Once I got pregnant with my son it pretty much all went downhill. I didn't lose weight after he was born and I suffered depression right up until I got pregnant again with my daughter. I was lonely and so I hung out at home all the time and sat on the couch and ate junk. I never went anywhere because I was so embarrassed about how I looked. I remember Jack encouraging me to make plans with my friends and I would have none of it. V and I went almost a year without seeing each other because I wouldn't go anywhere except to visit family. We live in the same city! I just refused to leave the house.
After Sadie was born it sort of snapped me out of it. My hormones leveled out and the depression part pretty much dissipated. I started to get out a little more. My body issues weren't gone, but I didn't want to let my life pass me by while I waited around to get happy with myself.
I've gotten better over the last year or so. Learning so much about yourself certainly does that. I've grown a lot, and I feel like this is the only thing left that contributes to any dissatisfaction I have with life. Other than that I really have no complaints. In fact, I have it made. I have the greatest life of anyone that I know, certainly the most interesting and exciting. I have everything going for me, I just hate my body.
I think that if I felt better about me, it would matter less that Jack wants to sleep with other people. When he was dating O I felt insecure initially. Not because she was especially skinny or prettier. She could pull off wearing a bikini when I wouldn't dare to do that, but her and I were friends, and I adored her, so I felt good about him being with her. Things moved so gradually with them. It wasn't like one afternoon he just announced that he was interested in this random girl that I know nothing about and was going to sleep with her.
V and I were discussing it last night. She said that she would feel more insecure about another woman being more skilled than her sexually. She has body insecurities as well, although not to the same degree as me. I started to think about how each person has their own private issues. Jack for instance was initially fine with me having sex with anyone I wanted, but he could not tolerate the idea that I could fall in love with anyone but him. I don't seem to be bothered by the feelings part, and I am not especially worried about her being better than me in bed. Although the idea of him doing things with her that he does not do with me, that I would like him to do with me but he doesn't seem to want to, that pisses me off to no end. Hopefully I am at least somewhat justified in that? I have asked him for things that I want, but it doesn't happen, and yet he has talked to her about them doing it. Is it fair for me to be upset? Is it alright for me to tell him he can't do things with her until he does them with me? Is it ok to have some sexual things just between him and I?
Anyway, back to the main issue here. I have problems with myself, and I don't know how to either fix it or come to some sort of peace with myself. I am trying, I honestly am. I don't like how it makes me feel, I especially don't like how hostile it makes me feel towards Jack.
Last night was hard for me. I was out with V and K when I was having a moment about it all. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to have to be near Jack or even look at him. I didn't want to be alone either, I just wanted to feel loved by someone who was not him. I really wanted to just indulge myself and go to K's and just be with him, because I knew that it would make me feel better at least for a little while. I didn't though, I know I am just really raw and vulnerable right now and it's probably better to just try to get through it on my own. I feel like if I really lean on anyone right now besides V that I will just be using them for some sort of emotional fix and that's not ok.
I am afraid of what will happen if I try to just force myself thought this though. I thought about how I would feel after Jack has sex with her. I don't know if I could be around him, or if I could stand him touching me. I worry that for a long time after I'd just think about him being with someone else and it would make me feel ill and our sex life would be non-existent because of my retarded hang-ups. It's so stupid and I just get more angry at myself for being that way. I hate that I can't just be alright with things.
Maybe I've just been kidding myself this entire time and I can't really hack this poly thing. How hideously selfish of me to indulge in it and then deny Jack because I am stupid and insecure and pathetic. I want this to work dammit. I want it more than I think I have ever wanted anything. Part of me just wants to grit my teeth and hold on and ride it out. Maybe that's the way to go, I am not sure. I need to figure something out though, that's for sure.
Anyway, this post is probably long enough now. I'm certain you are all tired of reading my bitching. I also want to say I am sorry for missing Sensual Sunday yesterday. Life just got in the way. I promise that the next part of the story WILL get posted.
In closing, here is a video from Our Lady Peace, which is one of my favorite bands. This is one of my favorite songs by them and it never fails to make me all emotional. It also very accurately reflects my current mood.
*Steven Meretzky
Emotional Issues Insecurities Jealousy Open Marriage Our Lady Peace Polyamory Sex YouTube
Published by Shasta
December 18th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
I don’t know what to say to make you feel any better. It looks like you’re already working on sorting out why you suddenly feel like you do. And you’ve obviously got a huge handle on jealousy that I’ll probably never have- I not play nicely, and I do not share with others… lol.
*sigh* I’m rather lacking input on anything lately- too much on my own mind I fear.
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 12:32 am
Hi you!
I come often to read your stories, which I find very interesting. I also taught of sharing your “rules” with my husband to finally have everything I want out of my sexual life.
But what I just read here is scary. Ok, already having a few lover, I would prefer to say “only me” but I can’t since I am not his only one so.. I was under the impression, before this, that he was as active as you…
Anyway as you see, mayby I lost myself writing this, as much as I lost you while reading your post!!
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 12:40 am
Well I may not be the best to comment or say anything but I am ehre showing support. Don’t force yourself, if you push yourself through everything without care you’ll just increase your ire. Least thats what was going on for me. You were awsome in giving me time when you were with H. It allowed me the time to overcome my own issues. But some things are not as easy to remove. You are one of THE sexiest women I know. Everything about you screams it. True your not satisfed with your body, who is? I wish I was 6’2 200 lbs of bristling muscle, not too much but enough to look torqy (sp?). But know this, to me you are a sexy woman. I can’t speak for others but from the amount of males who show an interest and eye you up like a big sweet piece of candy that I notice that should speak for itself. Its natural for people to dislike things about themselves. So if you don’t feel validated for feeling upset or crappy? Don’t worry about it. Everyones feelings are valid. Why? Because they are there and they are there for a reason, they make everyone who they are. Personally at times I don’t see what you see in me as I am far from the most attractive guy around or the sharpest tool in the shed. But you do and that itself means much to me. Some things are external. You beat yourself up because you dislike things about yourself, with anyone what they see of themselves is guaranteed worse then what is true. Everytime I look in the mirror I don’t see half the “buffness” that V compliments or states about me. But its there I just have a hard time seeing it. The same goes for you. You see one thing and I see another. To me your just a sexy, intelligent, sweet, incredibly hot woman
Anyways I prolly said wayyy too much lol. But this is K showing his support and having an ear open for you or even a hug if you need it. Take care and know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Sometimes the best grass is what you already have.. (no this is not a drug affiliation lol)
*HUGS*
K
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 12:41 am
I’m a fairly new reader and I think a virgin to your comments section, but this post struck me. So many of the feelings are my own and would be my own if my J and I were trying something like that.
Your vulnerability in this post is very raw. I cannot thank you enough for sharing. You are not the only one. I wish you the clearest thoughts in this uncovering of emotions…
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
If you need a fresh ear and perspective sg, email me and maybe we can find a way to chat/talk?
I can really relate to you and jack (if you got a chance to read my post in the poly lj site (Neebee’s post).
I hope some of my perspective helped in that post. I tend to have a hard time wirting when I have alot to say on the subject, espcially when the kids are asking me things at the same time lol.
I realte to you alot from your blogs. Being poly, a mom, a woman who shows alot of confidence (you do you know!) and also one that tries to supress all these insecurities.
I really appreciate this kind of post because I am sure when its my turn to have my husband enjoy another woman’s company, I will be going through some personal demons of my own.
Hang in there sg!
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
For the past year, I’ve been dealing with a situation just like this. So I have an idea of how things work. And what may be in store for Jack.
About a year ago I found a partner outside my long-term relationship with NE. I’d had numerous playing partners to that point, and NE had dealt well with them all.
But something was different with this new girl – sexually, we clicked very well. And it was as if some toggle inside of NE was flipped. She couldn’t handle it anymore. And it wasn’t just this new girl, it was everyone except for her.
I tried every possible method to handle how she was feeling. I tried full disclosure. I tried holding things back (that one failed because of me – I have issues in not being completely honest with my partner). I tried reassurance.
It always ended with her in tears.
In the last month or so I’ve decided to deal with it the way I should have at the beginning. As an aspect of NE and I’s D/s relationship. I took her in hand and made it clear it wasn’t her decision.
I believe this will work for us. Jack doesn’t necessarily have this option. But the key isn’t the D/s aspect. It is in how he pays attention to you.
You describe long sex-filled conversations between him and her. His obvious attraction to her. And then you compare that to how he relates to you. Real or imagined, you fear he wants her more.
You need validation. Easiest way is to sleep with someone else. Easy, and poisonous, because it’ll be for all the wrong reasons.
Be honest with Jack. But most importantly, give Jack the chance to be the man you love. The man who makes you feel sexy.
Allow him to love you. To show he still wants you, as much, if not more, then he did yesterday.
And lastly, *don’t* let yourself be on the outside. As you said, you could handle O because you were part of it. Make it clear to Jack you need to be his partner in this.
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 6:25 pm
Yikes.
*HUG*
You are a very brave woman SG, and honestly, you inspire me no end.
Unsolicited advice I know, but, I think youre right, to ask him to not do things with her that he wouldnt do with you. Or at least discuss WHY he wont do them with you.
I hope everything works out SG.
Reply To The Above Comment
December 19th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
Thank You, all of you, for your comments, for your support and encouragement. I am not usually short on words, but I can’t tell you what it means to me.
I know I haven’t always been very open about Jack’s involvement with other people. That is the downside of having real life people read your blog, they tend to get very protective of their personal privacy. I couldn’t always write what I wanted to in the past out of respect for them. But lets be clear now. Jack has never had sex with anyone else. He has dated other women, but it never got so far as actual fucking. This is new for me.
I am sure there will be much more to say in the very near future, but for now thank you all again, so much, you make this place my safe area to be real and raw. You make me feel loved and accepted inspite of myself, and that it more valuable to me than I will ever get to show any of you.
I promise to keep you posted. Jack and I are having a rough go of it, and I wanted to tell you that your words mean a lot to both of us.
Thanks Again,
SG
Reply To The Above Comment
December 22nd, 2006 at 2:25 pm
Interesting, but C. has said she’s not threatened by my having sex with another woman, but cannot abide the thought of my being close to someone else, much less falling in love.
The human spirit is so complicated.
But good luck on sorting this all out.
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