Stiletto Diaries™

Closer To Fine

Posted on July 26th, 2006 in Emotional Angst

I feel like this blog has been terribly superficial as of late. I mean it’s been a lot of “oh we did this and this, and then this happened” and very little of anything substantial. I wonder a little if that is why the comments have trickled down to nearly nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT the type to care much about comments. I mean I like getting them as much as the next blogger, but this blog is for me, and that is my primary concern. I only pondered this because to me it would seem that I must not be writing anything particularly moving. Which, as a matter of fact, is fine really, because I haven’t had a lot of inclination to utilize this space as my psychiatry couch.

In reality a lot of strange and wonderful things have been happening to me. Internal things, not affecting the body but the mind. I have been renovating my life.

What does that mean exactly?

I’m not totally sure yet. All I know is that things have been changing for the better. I have discovered things about myself that I did not know and I am happier for it. I feel that right now, I am perhaps more authentically ME than I ever have been before in conscious memory.

I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have.

Probably one of my least desirable qualities is that I am despicably lazy and a terrible procrastinator. My life, my home, my mental state, usually feels…cluttered. I put things off, like folding the laundry, calling people on the phone, running errands, answering e-mails, all sorts of things. I have not been that great at time management, but I am getting better.

I have learned recently that living amongst such clutter, both physically and mentally is VERY VERY BAD for me.

It seems obvious to some people, but I had just accepted it as ‘normal’. My mother is the same way, so it’s sort of been the life-long status quo.

I had been miserable with myself for months before this. I spent hours in bed with Jack, sobbing and not knowing why, while he cuddled me and felt helpless. I could not figure out for the life of me what was the matter. All I knew is that I was somehow dissatisfied with my life and it was throwing me totally off balance. I wanted to throw myself on a kitchen knife because I was so frustrated and unhappy. Jack felt that it was somehow his fault, and that has put a serious strain on our relationship.

Recently I have been reading a book entitled “Happiness Is A Choice”. I was skeptical at first, since it seemed to be too simple. Of course the more I read the more difficult it really becomes. To give you a very brief summary, the book basically teaches you to modify your outlook on situations that would normally make you unhappy. I have also been reading “Living The Good Life” which teaches you how to be successful with behavior modification (it is focused on fitness and weight loss, but between the two of them I have discovered an entirely new way to look at my existence). I am very slowly teaching myself that just sliding through my life is not working. I am unhappy because I feel that everything is passing me by. My birthday is coming soon and with the passage of another year I do not feel that I have accomplished anything during that time. If that’s not enough to depress a person, I don’t know what is.

I also finally checked out the FlyLady website, which has been incredibly useful in taking care of my household clutter. If you don’t know what it is, basically they show you, step by step, how to create workable schedules and routines for maintaining your household and your day to day activities. I am getting my home in better order, feeling more accomplished, which in turn is making me happier.

Life just keeps getting better.

Jack has also been trying some simple behavior modification techniques on the advice of a friend. Last night I remarked that I felt he and I had been closer than ever recently, that we have been getting along better (sure we still have our moments, but they are fewer and farther between than before). He finally admitted that he had been trying something new: being less reactive and not getting flustered over things that really, were not a big deal. Basically thinking things through and putting them in perspective before showing any reaction. I was so very proud of him just then It is hard work to change things about yourself, and I think that the noticeable payoff will help him stick with this.

I am coming to realize more and more that the only happiness we can be responsible for is our own. People have a tendency to want to self-sacrifice, and for a lot of us, it makes us miserable. I have been going around sacrificing and suppressing parts of myself that I think people might not like. I was compromising myself to the point that it was becoming unhealthy, and making my utterly depressed in the process. I am starting too appreciate how fantastically unique I am, and embracing the things about me that I have been pushing aside. I am also making efforts to change the things about myself that I do not like. Not for anyone else, but for me, so that I can be more content with myself as a person.

As much as I am loath to admit it, I think that other contributing factor that brought this about is the people that I associate with. Having people tell you that you are amazing, and pointing out qualities that they find wonderful about you, really helps. I would hate for people to think that I look to others for approval or to improve my self-worth, as that is not the case. It’s just easier to convince myself of my really admirable traits when I have other people to agree with me and remind me on days when I feel less than great. It certainly doesn’t prove to me that I am a worthy individual, since I know that on my own, but it does give me a nice cushy support network when I slip into my former way of thinking.

K has also been making some very commendable efforts to be more accepting of poly. I know that he struggles, and that he is afraid. I know that he is still adjusting to the idea of sharing my time or affection with anyone other than Jack. It would be unrealistic to expect him to be fine with it on the grounds that we asked Jack to be fine with it so that we could have a relationship. It has been a struggle for Jack, and it will be a struggle for K. That is to be expected when people shift from a monogamous way of thinking to a polyamorous way of thinking. I am doing what I can to be patient and supportive. I feel that good progress is being made and even though K gets discouraged, I am very proud of him.

I feel optimistic and positive these days. I think I have a new appreciation for my life and for the things that I have, and the people who are around me. I have a lot of great things to look forward to in the near and also far off future. I do not think I will feel that I am wasting my life anymore.

This postcard, courtesy of PostSecret, pretty much sums it all up for me:

On a side note, has anyone else heard those Trojan radio commercials for Hump Day? Hilarious. I tried to find a copy of it online with no luck (I didn’t spend that much time looking though). If anyone knows where to find it let me know and I’ll post it here.