Stiletto Diaries™

Enlightenment Can Be Heavy*

Posted on June 16th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

*Chias, I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed this little phrase from you

Well well, here I thought that this blog would just be boring as hell after recent events. It turns out that I find ways to keep at it, and not all of them involve me whining and wallowing in my misery! I am perhaps better at blogging than I previously thought

Lots of very important stuff to cover in this post, so lets get down to it shall we?

Recently I have been reading Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah M. Anapol. It’s really a great read if you can get past the beginning where she sort of comes off sounding like one of those ‘evolutionary poly people’ (meaning that some poly people see themselves as more evolved than monogamousts, because they are somehow ‘better’ for being poly). Of course it got me thinking, which usually leads to talking, and then to blogging.

In the book, the end chapters talk a lot about how to figure out what you want from poly and your choice of non-monogamy. I discusses how many poly people compromise themselves to the point of being quietly miserable, just for the sake of avoiding conflict. All sorts off good brain food to get the ol’ wheels turning.

It really made me think a lot about where Jack and I were when we started our open marriage. I mean, we didn’t have a CLUE about what we were doing, we basically headed into it thinking that having a little recreational sex would be fun. We hadn’t read anything about it, or really discussed the possibility of one of us developing serious feelings for anyone else. I think that really, neither of us thought that it would happen.

Of course then K came along, and you pretty much know the rest of the story.

Now we are at a different place. We have learned more than we ever imagined, and I thought that it would be a good time to reevaluate and discuss what direction we want to go from here on out. In order to do that very well, I decided that I needed to figure out my goals and expectations in regards to our relationship and what I want in the future from outside relationships.

I thought a lot about how I felt during my relationship with K, and how I feel about the concept of poly in general. I reflected on past relationships because all though the time that I was dating I would either have serious feelings for more than one guy at a time, or I wanted to date around and not commit. I always thought that it was really shitty having to chose between two perfectly great guys, but I chalked it up to being young and not really knowing what was good for me or what I wanted.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can ‘do’ monogamy. Jack and I were totally happy and content being monogamous, and I am sure that I could have quite happily continued just being with him. In fact for the most part, I was the hardcore monogamoust between us, as he really had a low level of jealousy when it came to me flirting with other guys. I mean, guys have blatantly made passes at me right in front of him and he doesn’t bat an eye. Jack really has no trouble sharing me sexually, he just doesn’t get jealous about it.

Emotionally is a different story, I know that he struggled a lot with my feelings for K. I think that really it was more about the speed and intensity with which the feelings developed that surprised us all, but of course Jack was on the outside more or less, so it was more profoundly upsetting for him.

So since my breakup with K, Jack and I have been making all sorts of amazing progress in our relationship.

I want to start expanding my network of poly friends, both intimate friends and more casual acquaintances. Build myself a little (or big) pack if you will. I want to have heaps of people around me that I love, like a big extended family.

Jack and I were just discussing how wonderful it is to have people in our lives that we can be totally real with. I mean, with our families, co-workers, and other friends we are always holding back, always suppressing things about ourselves. With these new people we have met everything is laid out on the table at the beginning, take us or leave us. It’s so refreshing and new to be able to be totally yourself with people and have them love and accept you.

I told Jack about what I want, about expanding our circle, and surprisingly he was very supportive of that vision. I think that perhaps the whole thing with K was too focused, too intense all at once. Plus in the rough stages, Jack did not have any support he could turn to, now he is building his own little network, and our growth individually and as a couple has been astounding.

We have even made strides about my relationship with K. Jack is encouraging K and I to continue our friendship. He fully supports my feelings for K, he knows how much I love him, and that regardless those feelings will not change. He is really working on his trust issues that developed when K and I broke the rules and were deceitful. Jack and I are renegotiating some of the rules as well, which is very positive. Jack feels that given some more time, he will most likely get comfortable with K and I resuming our sexual relationship.

All very excellent and wonderful.

Until I had to talk to K about it.

See, K is monogamous.

He accepts having to share me with Jack, because he would never ever want to cause trouble with my marriage, and also he would rather be with me and have to share me with Jack, than not be with me at all.

Sharing me with others is a whole different story.

He and I talked last night. He was so angry and hurt, I just felt like I was breaking his heart again. He went through the expected responses: feeling replaced, like he is not good enough, why can’t I be satisfied with just having him and Jack? Doesn’t he make me happy enough? Etc.

I tried so hard to explain that I love him, it’s not about how happy he makes me, or him being good enough. It’s about me, and what I want out of life. He just doesn’t seem to understand. He feels that I don’t love him, that I have been using him, that it’s all about sex for me.

I just…I never intended for this to happen. I love K, just as I love Jack, but I want more, or at least I want the option should the opportunity arise. It’s NOT about sex for me, I may not find anyone else that I can love and want to be intimate with, but I thought that it would be better to tell K that I am open to that possibility, rather than wait until it’s actually happening.

After I talked to K I was very upset and Jack was just so supportive. I am so so lucky to have him. There are so many good things happening for us, way too much to talk about it one post. I just wish that things could be simple, just once, and K could love and accept me for who I am.

He feels that this is really the end of our relationship, and I want him to know that it doesn’t have to be. If he can get past this, him and I can have a wonderful and very long-lived relationship. It would also demonstrate to Jack a certain level of maturity and self-awareness that could go a long way towards mending things. I feel like so many great things are falling into place for Jack and I, but this sort of throws a wrench in it because I find myself wanting to put K first. To bend to his desires (after all, is it fair to ask him to bend to mine??) and be polyfi with he and Jack. But I feel like I am finally just starting to do things for me again, and not compromising so much. I love K, but I don’t want to do that to myself again.

FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, WHY CAN’T A GIRL CATCH A BREAK ONCE IN A WHILE??!?!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I can totally understand if K is just not able to do this. I don’t expect him to change just for me, nor do I think it’s fair for me to change for him, nor for Jack, nor for anyone for that matter! In fact I’ve dealt with a lot of my own jealousy over K, to the point now that I could happily share him if he decided to go that direction. I don’t want to lose him, and for the first time in a while I really feel like we have a good chance of doing it right. However, if he decides that he cannot be with me under these circumstances, I will respect his choice, and I will hope that he and I can remain good friends. Truthfully he has become one of the best friends I have.

Tonight V and I are going to be meeting up with K, his roommate, and perhaps various other people at a bar to have a night out. I am looking forward to it, despite the awkward feelings that are occurring presently.

To Jack, and all of my readers who have children, I wish you the very best Father’s Day ever! Take time to appreciate the little things, like pen holders made out of soup cans covered in felt, or ceramic polar bears painted 12 different colors, none of which are white. Do a better job than my dad did, and tell you kids how much you love them.