Of Boxes and Bad Wording
Posted on May 28th, 2006 in Polyamory
I’m afraid that some people misunderstood some of the things I said in my last post. Particularly my statement about people being miserable and living in boxes.
I was not speaking against monogamy at all, I assure you.
My intention in those statements was to speak about the entire spectrum of life choices. People who live unhappily, by denying aspects of themselves that fall outside of popular social acceptance. Be it poly, kink, homosexuality, and many other alternative lifestyles.
I mean, people who hate the job they have and deny their true dreams fall into what I was saying. Or people who try to force themselves to act in a way that is unnatural to them in order to gain approval.
It was meant to be a wide open statement, not specifically about poly.
Poly is MY choice, and believe me, when I talk to people about poly as a lifestyle, one of the first things out of my mouth is “It’s NOT for everyone”.
I would never presume to imply that everyone should be poly, just as I would never presume to imply that anyone should be anything, for that matter.
All that I care about is having the choice.
I was trying to state that everyone should do what they can to pursue their dreams, to pursue what fulfills them and makes them happy in life. Be it poly, mono, homosexuality, or leaving your job as a lawyer to start your own basket-weaving business. Don’t live in a box or behind restrictions that you feel are imposed on you by others or yourself.
Do what you need to do to get the most out of this life.
I am terribly sorry that people thought I was making anti-monogamy statements. Just as I do not wish to be judged, I would not want to pass unfair judgment on others.
Hopefully that cleared up any confusion over my statements 
May 28th, 2006 at 10:17 pm
Poly is your choice? Originally, you were not in favor of the idea; Jack encouraged you to do this because it turned him on, at least according to one of your early posts. When did it become your choice? Since it clearly doesn’t appear to be turning Jack on anymore, why are you still pursuing it? I’m not being critical of this or any other sort of lifestyle decision, but I am more confused than ever about the motivations of all concerned.
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May 28th, 2006 at 10:43 pm
It is true that having an open relationship was not my idea, but I also made a choice to try it anyway.
Then I made a choice to pursue a relationship with K.
Everyday I choose to keep trying to make this work. Because I believe that it is possible, and I am not one to give up when things get uncomfortable.
It is my choice to continue to pursue poly as a lifestyle.
I am not seeing K because it turns Jack on, obviously. I am with K because I want to be, because I enjoy having a relationship with him, just as I enjoy being married to Jack.
My motivation is happiness, as well as exploring areas that are new to me, learning new things about myself, about relationships, and about life.
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May 28th, 2006 at 11:08 pm
Girl, I think the more you write, the more conflicted you sound. I’ll bet right now, unless you drop K now, you will lose Jack. It’s as simple as that. Maybe if you’d handled it differently, that part of the story would be different, but I don’t think you and Jack can weather anything other than a “Good bye” to K.
My take on the action.
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May 29th, 2006 at 12:18 am
As you’ve described it, the current situation sounds more like “adultery” than “polyamory.” If that works for you, fine, but in any case that’s what it sounds like.
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May 29th, 2006 at 2:07 am
I’ve been reading for a while, but I’ve never commented until now. Nobody’s perfect, we all make mistakes, and I applaude you for having the courage to share both the good and the bad of your relationships with all of the interweb. I hope the naysayers don’t discourage you from continuing to post. It would be a shame to lose a blog as well-written, insightful, and interesting as yours.
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May 29th, 2006 at 2:36 am
Would it be fair to say at this point that you are poly, Jack is not? Or is this overstating Jack’s discomfort with things as they are now? (Some of us are not naysayers but are genuinely confused about what is going on here.)
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May 29th, 2006 at 2:42 am
SG,
Hey you. I miss you. I hope your doing ok. Very good blog post. Your right…poly is definatly not for everyone. It’s a very hard path to go down and I know that from my own personal experiences. I love your blog…and love to hear your thoughts.
I hope you had a good weekend.
BIG HUGS
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May 29th, 2006 at 4:04 am
Reading the last couple of posts by my wife and reading some of the comments from some of the readers, there seems to be a lot of interest to find out what my opinion, feelings are at this current moment. Some seem to be negative towards things, others confused. And both seem to want my opinion to help round things out. Well, I will be posting soon, but it may take a week (or more). Unfortunately my schedule gets a little busy and I prefer to use my spare time with my wife and kids. Between that and NHL playoff hockey…writing becomes third in the list of things to be done. haha
Besides, I am not nearly as an accomplished writer as SG so these things take a little longer for me. Talk to you all soon.
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May 29th, 2006 at 8:20 am
Remember: read every post before commenting
sorry for my preovious comment, SG, i haven’t read this post!!! 
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May 29th, 2006 at 11:11 am
Do you believe that having your life out here in the open, for people to look at and scrutinize, helps or hinders your relationship? Do you ever feel as though you have to justify yourself to people you either don’t know, or perhaps know only through this comment box, or do you actually feel that it helps you to sort things out by seeing a perspective completely removed from the situation? How does it feel to live a poly life right out here in the open, for everyone to see?
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May 29th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
It never fails that monogomists feel a need to view the struggles of poly relationships in ways that validate their own lifestyle. They have not chosen their lives. They beleive theirs is the ONLY choice one can make the one and only true way to potentially acheive happiness. The fact is that in writing about your evolving polyamory, you not only get to share with those who may be like -minded and supportive, but you also provide those whose vision is narrowed by insecurity and social conformity a way to feel a little more self-confident than they would otherwise have the opportunity to experience.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
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May 29th, 2006 at 7:16 pm
Thank you everyone for the comments, even the ones that were intended to be insulting.
I don’t have time to address them all individually, but I did want to resond to Ducky because he/she asked some questions that made me think a bit about this blog.
Do I think that having such an open-book of my life helps or hinders my relationships? I would have to say that it actually helps. I know that Jack and K both like reading this blog, and it gives them loads of insight into the inner-workings of the SG mind, LOL. Plus it helps me to release stress and examine my thoughts more clearly.
Do I feel I have to justify myself? Sometimes. I make a practice of resisting the urge though. I do see things from new perspectives thanks to my commenters, that is why I also refrain from discouraging comments, however insulting or rude.
How dies it feel? Sometimes really good, sometimes horrible. Few things make me happier than a comment or an e-mail from a reader who says “Thanks, I really learned something from you blog” or if I am told that I provided someone with a new perspective or understanding.
On the other hand, I tend to get a lot of vicious comments, intended to hurt me or make me feel badly. For the most part I brush them off. Part of me wants to try and explain, try and show those people that they are wrong about us. But I know it wouldn’t work. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless of what I say in my defence. I don’t let the attacks or the insults get to me, although sometimes I am afraid to post here because I know that I will be criticised for what I say. Never the less, I post anyway, because this is my blog and that’s what it’s here for.
Would I ever stop blogging here you might wonder? I have been tempted. It can be hard to be so honest and open with total strangers, especially when you expect to be skewered on the comment board. But then I remember the readers that come here to learn, and to understand, and I write for them. Or I remind myself that this is more for me than anyone, and I write because I want to.
Thanks again for the comments. Hopefully that answered your questions Ducky
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May 29th, 2006 at 11:36 pm
raheretic…as always you portray yourself as so open-minded when really you are one of the most opinionated, closed-minded people who comment. don’t assume that everyone that has something negative to say is monogamous…poly does not seem to be working for the people in this particular situation…..they continue to repeat the same patterns that ultimately make all three of them unhappy–despite moments of happiness. they win certain battles, but lose the war, so to speak.
insanity is continuing to do the same things but expecting a different result.
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May 29th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
I for one am glad I started reading this blog. It is like a case study that you might have to do in business school. It is good to see where the pluses of a poly lifestyle are and where the hardship are. If someone wanted to try poly this will give them a guideline to follow, where they have to be strong and when to be strong in order to make the poly life be successful.
I think you are doing a phenominal job here SG. Keep up the great work.
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May 30th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Anonaymous wrote:
raheretic…as always you portray yourself as so open-minded when really you are one of the most opinionated, closed-minded people who comment. don’t assume that everyone that has something negative to say is monogamous…poly does not seem to be working for the people in this particular situation…..they continue to repeat the same patterns that ultimately make all three of them unhappy–despite moments of happiness. they win certain battles, but lose the war, so to speak.
Anonymous, you old identity coward you, can’t you do better than “closed minded and opinionated?” What about condescending, derisive, confrontational, aggravating and sarcasitc (AT THE LEAST!). I must be slipping if all you’ve noticed is closed-minded and opinionated. If you want to turn my head with your continuous sychophantic compliments you are going to have to do way better than that.
Here’s a novel concept. Perhaps it should be up to the people involved in the realtionship to decide if what they are doing, is working for them and whehter or not it should contnue or be modified or ended. I don’t think we as the Blogs followers get to have an election in the process.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
P. S. If you have somehow mistaken me as being “open-minded,” you’d better buy a new dictionary to help you figure out the really big words. The one you’ve been using has somehow mislead you.
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