Stiletto Diaries™

Excuse Me, I’m Having A Moment With My SoapBox

Posted on May 26th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

I was planning to write a big long involved post about the rest of my weekend, but I just can’t get the motivation. So I’ll give you the Stiletto Diaries Condensed Version and well move along with what has happened since then.

Basically while I was away at V’s Jack and K talked online and Jack just unloaded onto K. I mean he pretty much just let K know everything that is going on in his brain, yes it was rather aggressive in tone, but it was good to get it out in the open.

I was away, and felt sort of glad but also helpless. I wanted to be home to talk to Jack, to discuss what had been said, to talk about where things were going. I was glad that he spoke his mind, and I think that K needed to hear what Jack had to say as well.

I got home after the fallout and talked to Jack a bit about it. We’ve sort of gone around in circles a bit since then.

It sort of comes down to Jack being unsure that K is the right person for The Polyamory Experiment™. It’s not that he dislikes K, but there are plenty of things about the guy that rub Jack the wrong way. At first I got a little hostile about that, because I felt like Jack was telling me it was time to move on. Like I should drop K and find someone else. Obviously not my favorite idea.

Jack put it to me this way “How would you feel about a woman that I was in love with, who had a lot of personality traits that got on your nerves?”

So I started thinking about that, and I didn’t have a good answer. Would I try harder to see the good qualities in her (since he would be in love with her she would have to have some)? Would I say it’s fine to see her, but I prefer not to have to spend time with her? Would I tolerate the relationship grudgingly because of my love for Jack? I wasn’t sure what the answer would be, I can only speculate. If anything that question put me more in Jack’s shoes than I ever have been before.

On the other hand, Jack said that since K is important to me, he is also important to Jack. I know that Jack wants so badly to give us another chance. He truly wants to make this work, and for the first time in a while I believe him. We had a very deep talk last nigh, lots of emotions. He reminded me to look at the bigger picture, our love for each other. This poly thing may work out, it may not, but no matter what happens my love for Jack and his love for me will not be broken. My feelings for him are so intense sometimes that I cannot even comprehend them and they overwhelm me. I needed to be reminded of that, because in life it is easy to start taking things for granted. A lot of people might read my blog and believe that our marriage is doomed. I suppose the reason it appears that I take Jack for granted is not because we don’t love each other. It’s because I know in my heart that he and I love each other so much, that all this stuff that is going on doesn’t really matter. Obviously it makes things a little more emotional around here, and the breaking of trust is serious none the less, but we keep it in perspective. Poly will not make or break Jack and I.

It has been said that you should never make promises to anyone, except for one. Jack and I really meant it when we promised to be together for the rest of our lives, we do not take that lightly. I know sometimes when I get down on myself I start to think that maybe Jack won’t love me forever, but that is Irrational SG. In my heart I know for a fact that Jack will be with me for life, and I with him, regardless of what happens now and in the future. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, as can anyone who spends five minutes in a room with us (take my word for it, I hear it constantly).

Jack is my husband, no one will ever replace him in my heart. The piece of myself that I gave to him cannot be taken back, not given to anyone else. He has me for eternity.

I have thought of deleting this blog more than once recently. Mainly because I feel I have done a poor job of telling the truth of our story. I have not lied here, nor fabricated anything, but I have also been selective in what I share. As a blogger you have to learn to edit your life. I think I went a little overboard on the emotional angst. In part I chalk that up to the fact that when life is good, I’m out there damned well enjoying it, not sitting infront of a silly computer. When things are not so good I come here to vent, pour out my worries, my woes, and what have you. Makes fro a pretty lop-sided perception I think.

I blog a lot about K and “The Situation” as it is now called, because that is what this blog is supposed to be about! It wasn’t meant to be the lovey good-times marriage blog, it’s the place where I discuss this particular aspect of our lives. I don’t talk about my kids, our family time, things of that nature, because that is not the point. I have other places to talk about that. This is meant to be the raw, messy, painful, but honest journal of THIS experience, not our life as a whole.

I have had other blogs, blogs just about Jack and I, about our marriage, our relationship, our family, our children. I am a blog fanatic, trust me. This place, it is just for the open marriage/poly/what have you, with some sexy erotica thrown in. It would just be too much to try and cover everything here, trust me, ya’ll would stop reading because it’s too much to try and keep up.

Do I love K? Of course I do. I don’t believe that love has limits. I think that humans like to put restrictions on themselves, on feelings, on the people around them. We are too afraid, too ruled by fear, to live in a true state of happiness. Millions of people living their miserable little lives because they are not brave enough to step outside the box.

Well I won’t be one of them.

I want to live this life for all it’s worth, because it’s all I’ve got. I want to love as many people as I can, because through love we get a little glimpse of what it means to be truly happy. In a world so filled with cynicism and grief, why do we deny ourselves the opportunity to love, and be loved?

Don’t argue semantics with me over monogamy vs polyamory. I don’t think either is right or wrong. I am saying do whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you feel right with the world. A person should at least have the choice!

I choose to love more than one person, and you know what, even when things are hard and messy, I am still happy with that choice. Through this experience not only have I learned more about myself in 6 months than most people do in a lifetime, I have also made many good friends, and connected intimately with a man whom I might never have met otherwise. It feels natural for me to love Jack and K at the same time, what more do I want than to live within my nature.

I am lucky beyond what I deserve, because I am loved, and that my friends, is the greatest gift a person can give or receive.