*Big Sad Sigh*
Posted on May 20th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
How can someone with a husband, a boyfriend, and two best friends feel so totally alone in the world?I feel neglected by Jack, which I suppose I deserve, being the horrid little bitch that I am.
K and I can't see each other, but he tries his best to be supportive and optimistic. It's just hard to be optimistic about anything right now. We also came to a sort of depressing realization about our relationship tonight.
People ask me about poly and how it works and how they can make it work for them and I'm like "Gawd, do not ask me, I'm totally suck at it".
I was thinking of looking into doing a presentation about poly here in my city, since one of the local groups is looking for a speaker. Plus I am terrified of public speaking, so I was hoping to make myself do more of it. Luckily I stopped myself. What am I thinking? I have no right to try and tell other people about how to have successful relationships. When you need a speaker for "How To Fuck Up Your Life, As Well As The Lives Of The People You Love" give me a call, I'm your go-to girl on that.
Foo Fighters - Walking After You
Published by Shasta
May 20th, 2006 at 3:44 am
SG,
*BIG HUGS* Your not alone. You’ll never be alone. You have friends. I am very sad to read this post. I have missed you so much, my friend. You sound so down on yourself…the poly is complicated and it takes a lot to make things work. I hope you don’t give it up.
If you need anything..please let me know. I really hope things look up for you very soon…
Just remember…you are NOT alone!!! There are many of us who are here for you…
BIG HUGS
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May 20th, 2006 at 4:07 am
stop the pity party and DO something! you have all the power here….you did before you made the destructive choices, too. try making (and sticking to) some positive, productive choices….
wallowing in it is NOT going to help you, Jack, or K.
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May 20th, 2006 at 6:15 am
Don’t leave us all hanging – exactly what was the “depressing realization” you and K came to?
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May 20th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
I don’t see a pity party.. J needs to figure things out and we all need to work things out.. which we are. at our own pace.. SG is just blogging to just release some pent up stress.. I do it.. I’m sure many do it. No need to get insulting.. I’m sure you mean well and your comment is appreciated, however trust me when I say were doing what we can or at least trying to. Its a delicate path and people are naturally complicated.. two people is complicated enough.. adding a third into the mix well.. lets just say.. being a bomb tech might be easier lol..
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May 21st, 2006 at 3:27 am
seems like J is the only one who has things figured out….sg and k just don’t like it…..
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May 21st, 2006 at 9:28 am
i’m really sad that i arrived during such a hard period. Big hugs and good luck for the future
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May 21st, 2006 at 6:23 pm
I wonder what other relationship wreckage K has left behind. Perhaps this isn’t the first time he has helped to create a situation like the current one.
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May 21st, 2006 at 8:12 pm
Actually I haven’t caused any previous “wreckage” because if I had wouldn’t I know better? If you have a question for me. Ask it. don’t just speculate and assume. Heck if you want to ask me something email SG and ask her the question to give me. Thank you.
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May 21st, 2006 at 9:22 pm
K, will you just shut the fuck up already! If you wanna comment on things or give your side or opinion on things, give us a blog address and I will put it in the links list. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and quit commenting! I want to hear comments from other people, not you.
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May 21st, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Maybe the three of you should go off line and work out your issues. I doubt the rest of us are helping. Good luck.
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May 21st, 2006 at 10:57 pm
wow
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May 22nd, 2006 at 12:41 am
Poland’s suggestion sounds good but I think it should be SG and Jack who go off and figure things out, starting with whether they would be better off without K. That is, assuming the marriage is still the most important thing going on here.
As far as K’s “if I had caused any wreckage, wouldn’t I know” remark – well, my question was really aimed at SG, because I wanted to see what her understanding of things is. From K’s comments and actions, it doesn’t sound like he is the sort to recognize what damage he is doing.
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May 22nd, 2006 at 2:12 am
I don’t know how many others who comment here actually live in poly relationships, but I do, so I feel like I have some credibility when I speak to “poly” concerns.
SG, what you and Jack and K have tried to do is a complex and challenging relational balancing act. You, apparently, haven’t gotten it exactly right just yet. You may or may not ever get it exactly right. That remains to be seen. Whether or not you three want to continue to try and do that is really up to all of you to decide, and I am not entirely convinced that all the “voices” here are being particularly helpful to you. Nor am I sure that beating yourself up here is useful. None of you are “BAD” people for trying to love one another as you have.
That said, from where I stand, you have probably made some significant errors along the way. But I bet you knew that already.
So. Some possibilities.
1. You might decide to give up the whole notion of poly and try and go back to “the way things were before.”
2. You might decide to try to go forward from here with more or less the same rules as you’ve been working from, but some sort of new resolve to actually follow them on all fronts.
3. You might all three sit down and try and figure out what about this is and is not working for you and see if there is some of it that is salvageable, and then try and craft some different approach that is a “chapter 2″ version of this relationship.
4. You might chalk this whole experience up to “experience,” and decide that it isn’t poly that is bad, but this relationship constellation itself that wasn’t the ideal you were seeking. Take what you’ve learned and move on.
5. You might find some other set of alternatives that I haven’t thought of…
Whatever comes out of this, I think that things are sounding pretty intense and emotionally supercharged right now. It is hard enough making paired relationships work. Poly relationship dynamics are more complex because there are more people and therefore more combinations. You are all of you wrapped up in high end emotional stuff. If you can find a way to do it, you would be wise to give yourselves some time and some space. Try not to do anything permanent or extreme right now. Be gentle, patient, and kind with and to each other and yourselves.
Learn, grow, live.
swan
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May 22nd, 2006 at 2:25 am
Swan, I think you hit one key word at this point in time, PATIENT. Time, space and patience is probably what is needed. Only works if all three take time, space and patience.
I can hope if SG reads it from others, then perhaps it may happen.
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May 22nd, 2006 at 1:28 pm
How can someone with a husband and a boyfriend pretend to live happy?
So much emotional energy put into two antagonistic relationships pretending they are complementary… nothing good you can expect from that.
You can read 100000 books about poly and still miss the point: if you care about something else than your own selfish happiness: don’t do it.
now you are into it to the ears… I’d like to see how all this ends. It’ll enlarge the counter of failed poliamory enterprises, I bet!
good luck
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May 22nd, 2006 at 2:07 pm
You can’t make a square fit into a round hole. RAheretic’s swan’s makes some excellent observations that the issue here may be stemming from one area or from several.
What is obvious is that *something* isn’t working. I would start with the things easiest to change. If you’re not able to abide by the rules you and Jack have set up, then you need to find rules you can live by. Otherwise you will continue to break the rules you have and will continue to feel guilty for doing so. It’s a lose/lose situation.
If that is not possible, then look to the people involved. Something there is not clicking and a change may be necessary.
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May 22nd, 2006 at 3:09 pm
I spent until 1 AM reading this entire blog, and here is my input, FWIW. SG, I think when you talk about yourself being self-centered, you really nail it on the head. I think you don’t do it maliciously, but you do it in the sense that you lack the ability to put yourself into someone elses shoes and see their POV.
It is obvious to me that Jack is wishy-washy because (1) he’s the one that suggested this in the first place (2) he really wants you to be happy. However, he knows that this isn’t working and that you have thrown yourself in headfirst into the relationship with K and he’s feeling sidelined. Any normal human would, man or woman. That’s the part I think you’re missing. You’re so buried in the “love bubble” that you are missing the fact that you have actually compartmentalized your husband into the “guy I married” bucket and K into the “new lover” bucket. While that’s is *great* for you, it blows for Jack because Jack gets to go work his ass off every day while you sit around chatting, laughing, and fucking your lover, etc. And it blows for K because if he falls madly in love with you, it isn’t going to work out for him as you already have someone in the “husband bucket.”
SG, step back and put yourself in Jack’s shoes. If you were waiting for your husband every night to come home from work and he was instead going out with a girlfriend and taking HER out to dinner and HER out for a good time, while you sat at home, I can guarantee you you’d be out of your mind, especially given the self-centered nature of yourself that you describe.
It’s good to be you, it’s not good to be the other two guys. And the fact that you keep fucking up on the rules means you don’t care about the rules, don’t believe the rules are necessary, and are perfectly fine with doing what you want to do without worrying about the consequences.
And my note to Jack: you need to stop enabling, stop trying to make SG happy, and just be honest and stop being wishy-washy. She is going to take every loophole you leave her because she is in the catbird seat. You need to be very firm in what you expect out of this, you have to stick to what is going to make you comfortable, and if the marriage is going to last, she either has to respect that, or you guys won’t last. Trust me.
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May 22nd, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Oh for the love of Pete. Just dump K and get on with your lives. Maybe think about his again when you’ve all grown up a bit. Until then, YOU’VE GOT TWO KIDS TO THINK OF – when they grow up, how the hell are you going to explain why you spent so much time futzing around with K when you could have spent it with them? (And if you think the K thing comes out of some magical “extra” time that wouldn’t have been available for the kids, you’re just kidding yourselves.)
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May 23rd, 2006 at 8:06 am
i know having a blog means putting on a public side your private life. And i also known that when you get “public” you must be sure that there will be positive comments and negative ones. i’m sure that SG, jack and k are aware of that.
What really upset me is how people can judge others so violently. Do they need to put down others to feel better than they are??? Wouldn’t it be much easier to close the page and look for other blogs??
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May 23rd, 2006 at 3:06 pm
I’d like to read the husband’s comments on what’s going on.
I mean:
1) the boyfriend, takes a natural attitude: saying “I’ll be here for you always”. So romantic that reads and so strong that sounds to the “confounded wife”, it is something that anyone (no matter feelings) would be able to say. Because it is easy to say and because he has all to win. There is not a family in the middle, it is just him and his lover.
The wife: punishing herself and assuming the role of a victim of her own. It is also something that I would expect. She has reached a point where she is in love of the boyfriend but she feels guilty that she can not correspond her husband.
Now, the husband… I’d like to see how he feels, what he thinks. He is in the worst position of all, for sure. He is the one that has all to loose here and what he’ll do/say… it is all but predictable I guess.
Hope this does not mean an offense to anyone. Because it is not.
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May 24th, 2006 at 7:16 am
I, for one, must champion this Blog, for having the courage & daring to put itself out there, in a honest & complete fashion. Some of those who dip in here, seem to think they can throw their disrespect, and lack of experience—or, at best, a lack of open-mindedness–into the faces of those who are far more advanced in thinking, loving, caring, sharing, and, quite frankly, a knowledge these fire-starters & bomb-throwers, will never take the time or consideration to investigate. // The nagative views expressed, so hateful, should be analysed, for what they are: A phobic reaction to what’s different, unconventional,or not part of the “mainstream” (whatever that means!). When I read this Blog, I enter a world, a place, I haven’t been, but have considered, for a long time. I want to remind the folks who are so free with their put-downs, that expressing your views, and spouting vile & hateful comments, brings all of us down..including yourselves. The shame, in all of this, is the complete lack respect. I can end my comment with a quote I heard recently, and it applies to this Blog, and it’s truth & honesty, when placed alongside all the venom it seems to generate: “Courage, is the knowledge of what is not to be feared.” // Also: BTW: I’ve been around to all kinds of Blogs, with all kinds of views. You wanna know something???: I’ve seen “anonymous” before. His Comments are very familiar to me. He always give swarmy, child-like, insults, and you can just imagine him giggling at his own crass, and insulting barbs. Message to “anon”: I’m onto you, and I’m sure there are many who can ID you, without a line-up. You’re the one who needs to grow up. Get your own Blog…or, get a life. I guess, I’m throwing back some insult myself. Seeing this guys “comments,” is a disappointment…it makes me sad for humanity in general. I say, we could all use a little enlightenment. That’s all, folks!
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