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I Think I Have A Lot Of Bad Karma Coming…

Posted on April 3rd, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

I am in the mood to blog, so I thought I'd post an update on how the fallout from L is going.

Jack and I spent a lot of time cuddling and talking over the weekend. It felt good to just be together. Whenever I screw up I tend to panic and worry that Jack won't love me anymore. I know it's hard for him at times because he's upset with me and here I am needing him to hold me and remind me that I am loved. So it was good to have time to be affectionate and discuss the situation. I can fully understand and appreciate how he feels about my breaking the rules. He told me that he was uncomfortable with me seeing K for the time being, since he doesn't feel he can trust me not to screw up again. I can understand where he is coming from, if our roles were reversed I would feel very uncomfortable as well.

I haven't been whiny or pouty about not getting to see K. Of course it makes me sad, and I miss him a lot, but I brought this on myself. It sucks ass that K has to be punished for something that I did. I suppose it's sort of unavoidable at the moment though.

Speaking of K, he seems pretty distressed about the whole incident. Despite what he might tell me, I get the feeling that it's bothering him more than he is letting on. That is probably compounded by the fact that I can't see him right now. I would like to be able to spend a little time with him, be close to him, reassure him that I love him. I think it might be wise at this point for he and I to set out some sort of boundaries or guidelines for our relationship. I know it's sort of complicated, because we're not entirely in an exclusive relationship, and I don't think that he wants to be 'monogamous' (in the sense that he and I would have a closed relationship, with the exception of Jack of course). I don't think that I would be totally opposed to it, but I am certainly not going to try and coerce him into anything. Anyway, we'll figure something out I'm sure.

V and I went out for a drink last night and mulled it all over together. She has known me longer than Jack and K put together, and she pointed out that it has always been in my nature to push the envelope so to speak. I have a hard time accepting boundaries, even when they are created by me. My willpower is lacking for sure, and she reminded me that I have a habit of giving in to people, men especially, even against my better judgment. I am going to be more conscious about that, because in the end I just feel taken advantage of and that sucks.

She had a lot of insightful observations to share, all of which I will not write here simply because the conversation was long and I can't remember everything word for word. The one thing I can always count on her for is honesty, which means more to me than anything. Her and I have established the type of friendship in which we never mince words, nor do we judge or berate each other. She sees Jack's point of view: I didn't respect him or our agreement, and obviously there has to be some form of consequence for that. She also reminded me that I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and the fact that I am so emotionally driven doesn't help. The logical part of my brain doesn't get a lot of say in things once the feelings get going. If anything, she said I need to be more conscious of that, and when I think that things are getting out of hand, I need to stop myself for a moment and force myself to be objective. I need to make a real effort to be less reactionary and more think-before-I-act. If I had taken five minutes to stop and think when I had been with L, I could have considered the outcome of not calling Jack, and then things would have been different. She also has sympathy for K, because it really does suck that he is being punished indirectly. This is just the reality of this relationship, and not a lot can be done about it, but it still blow goats.

All in all it was a good evening. I didn't monopolize the entire conversation with my little crisis, LOL. We talked plenty about her new relationship with DF (I named him that at her request). V recently got out of a long-term relationship that was very troubled, and she was miserable for the final six months of said relationship. This thing with DF is still new, they haven't established that they are *dating* yet, they are just 'seeing each other' for the time being I guess. Initially I worried that it was too soon. I really didn't want her rushing into anything, especially since I know she battles the fear of being alone. He makes her happy though, and it's good to see her bubbly and acting like herself after she was distressed for so long.

Other than that, nothing really worth mentioning is going on. I am sort of distracted by things that are not related to my relationships at the moment (coming down with a throat infection being one of them).

I hope everyone has a great week. I plan to post something for Half-Nekkid Thursday this week, so you can look forward to that.