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The Necessity Of Communication… And Schedules

Posted on March 28th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The bad news is that this entry is probably going to be fairly long, LOL. The good news is that you will have until Thursday to read it because I won't be blogging between now and then (going to my mum's house for the week).

First off, I want to blog a bit about my conversations with Jack on the weekend. We usually have our best conversations in the car (I tease him that it's because he can't escape and has to sit there and listen to me, LOL). Anyway, I expressed that lately I have been frustrated with how reactionary he is. I feel like I have to fight him every time I want to see K. I told him that I don't like how I have been feeling towards him and our marriage, and that as much as I care about K and want to have a relationship with him, I couldn't keep doing it like this. I didn't want to be irritated all the time, I was sick of arguing over every little thing. It's particularly distressing because Jack and I so rarely argue. I can honestly count on one hand the number of serious disagreements we've had during our marriage, so when we do have one, we both feel very uncomfortable. It's not that we've been fighting often or anything, but there has been a noticeable increase in tension between us and I don't think that either of us wanted it to continue.

After I said what I wanted to say Jack was silent. I realize something about myself and Jack in hindsight now, I expect him to have answers when I want them, instead of giving him the opportunity to come up with them on his own time. I started in on him, asking him his thoughts and what he was feeling and what he thought we should do. His reply to me was simply "I don't know". Well that just made me angry, because I want answers, and I want them now damnit!

After a few more unsuccessful attempts to get him to say anything besides "I don't know" I shut up and we traveled in silence.

During that silence I came to the conclusion that I expect Jack to have thought about the situation more than he had. I have pretty much all day to think about things. I blog about it, talk to V about it, examine it in my own head. I devote a lot of time to thinking about my marriage and my relationship with K and all that.

Jack, on the other hand, has very little time to think about things that are happening. He has to think about work and lately that has been eating up more time and brain function than usual (Jack is going through a pretty big transition at his job that has meant a lot of 12 hour days for him). When he gets home he just wants to vegetate and then go to bed. I know he has been frustrated lately because all he has time for is working, eating, and sleeping. Some days he only gets to see the kids for a few minutes in the morning as they are in bed by the time he gets home. There hasn't been much time for us or for him to do anything he enjoys, and that has been wearing on him.

Me being a lot more self-centered than I care to admit, was pretty oblivious to this because I was more concerned about MY free time. I was annoyed that Jack had to work so late and that I was having to shoulder the entire responsibility for our children a good part of the time. I wasn't being the least bit sympathetic to how shitty things were for HIM because it was all about me! me! me! I feel like a complete asshole now.

Turns out my utter lack of regard for Jack and his feelings was a major part of the problem. Once I left him alone to think, eventually he started talking. He told me he has felt that he is being replaced. He felt that I was neglecting him, and that K gets all the quality time with me. I assured him that neither of those things were true, but I certainly haven't been proving it through my actions.

He also said that he felt I wanted to spend too much time with K. He and I had slightly different opinions about how much time was enough. He suggested we get better about setting up a schedule of sorts, so that he wouldn't feel I was constantly asking him if I could go see K, and I wasn't feeling like he was constantly saying no and getting pissed off about it. So we compromised and twice a week is what we settled on. One of those is to be an over-night or all-day visit on the weekends, and the other will be a weeknight visit that will be flexible depending on everyone's schedules. Having it set up like that makes it a lot less stressful on both of us.

We are also going to start having V babysit once every week or so, and that way Jack and I can go out and do fun stuff together as a couple. That way he won't feel like he is missing out on doing things with me that we can't do with the kids.

Things at his work will be easing off in the next few weeks and getting back to some semblance of normal. He won't be working psychotic hours anymore and that will reduce the strain on him a lot.

We talked a lot and it was really good, we both felt so much better by the time we got to his parents place. We had a nice relaxing weekend (I think that helped enormously, it was good to just get away and spend some time together).

Last night V was going to watch the kids so that Jack and K and I could go for wings. By the time the end of the day rolled around Jack didn't really feel like going out, and he decided that I should just go out with K and he would come home and watch the kids. I told him as long as he was sure that he was ok with it, that would be fine. I ordered pizza for supper for him and the kids so that he wouldn't have to worry about what to feed them. I called V to let her know she didn't have to come and watch the rugrats, and then let K know that there had be a slight change of plans and it would just be he and I going out.

Jack got home and ushered me out of the house. I drove to K's place and we went for wings at one of my favorite pubs. The place was packed, which is pretty normal for wing night, you had to shout over the noise though. K had a hellish day at work and told me all about it. We had a really good time, but after an hour and a half we had enough and headed back to his place.

I stayed another two hours there and we fucked and cuddled and it was all good. I knew he was tired and had to get up early for work so I tucked him into bed and told him I would talk to him Thursday when I got home from my moms. His roommate was already in bed as well so I let myself out and headed home. I called Jack to let him know I was on my way. Everything was good, there was no tension, it was nice.

I have to make a correction to yesterdays post before I forget. I said that I hadn't bruised, but yesterday afternoon I checked out my butt again and sure enough there were some purple welts on my rear end. Oddly, they were not from the cane, but from the wooden spoon that Jack used on me as well. Woot! I have bruises!

By the way K, you didn't bite me hard enough last night to leave any marks :P He He

This afternoon I am heading to my mother's for two days. I'll be back Thursday sometime, and perhaps I will post another picture for Half-Nekkid Thursdays, but we'll see.

Also I have another column coming out for Polyamorous Percolations on the 1st. I'll be putting up a link here once it gets published. It's a good one, so ya'll can look forward to that.

I hope everyone has a really good week! Take care and don't destroy the place while I'm gone ;)

P.S. If you are a scheduling freak like me, check out 30boxes.com. Basically it's an online calendar that you can make available to family and friends so that they can keep track of you, LOL. I just found it today, so I haven't had much time to play around with it, but it seems pretty useful.