The Rules Of The Game
Posted on November 25th, 2005 in Polyamory
In an effort to ensure that both of us are comfortable and understand the restrictions we wish to place on this arrangement, we are posting our personal set of rules. They are, of course, subject to change: 1. We must always be home by dawn when we are in the same city. 2. No bathing with partners (something we consider too intimate at this time); showering together is ok. 3. No *sleeping* with partners (again, too intimate); cuddling is ok. 4. We must always be totally honest with potential partners about my/our marital status. 5. Only give out personal cell phone number for contact information. 6. A maximum of three solo 'dates' are allowed. After that, partners must be introduced to the spouse. 7. Each of us has total veto power over the other. 8. No hooking up in our hometown (don't want to get the neighbor's talking). 9. Never bring home a partner while the kids are at the house, *even if they are sleeping*. 10. No threesomes+ unless the spouse is present. 11. For safety, I will always make a call to my husband at an agreed-upon time during my 'date' (just to assure him that I am ok). In hindsight I think it would be wise for him to also place a safecall to me during his dates. Men can be victimized too. 12. No hooking up with anyone from work. 13. Condoms will be used *every time* (oral sex being the exception). 14. We must always *call* the spouse before We engage in sexual activities with anyone. 15. In the event that a date is brought to our home, there will be no sex with him/her in our bed. There is a guest room for those purposes. Exceptions can be made if both of us are present and it is a threesome/group sex situation. 16. No hooking up with ex-lovers (they are ex's for a reason remember). 17. No hooking up with strippers. 18. Photos of potential partners are encouraged and when possible should be shared with the spouse before any sexual activity occurs. 19. No online dating. Some of these might seem strange or irrational to some of you, but we created this list together in order to help each of us feel more comfortable. It will likely change and/or be added to over time.Published by Shasta
November 29th, 2005 at 3:31 pm
One thing that my wife and I are pretty insistant upon is testing (rule 16). I would imagine that your potential partners have access to relatively anonymous clinics. Just a thought. Another rule that was augmented to your rule 8 is my wife meets my potential partners before anything happens (usually before I even date them).
As you may know: make sure you communicate a lot. It gets very emotional at times.
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November 29th, 2005 at 7:02 pm
This is a very impressive set of rules, but are you ever worried about breaking them. If I remember I think that TOM convinced you to get into the bath? Was I wrong? This idea seems really good and I hope that it works out.
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November 29th, 2005 at 8:19 pm
Polonius, yes Jack and I also have measures in place in regards to testing. Because (thus far) my encounters have been ‘one night stand’ arrangements, there isn’t really a way to ensure that partners are STI free. I know that this kind of thing involves risks, we have considered them.
Also, because of how our arrangement it laid out right now, I would classify it more as an ‘Open Marriage’ than polyamory. We are really not lookiing to form long term attachments to anyone, in fact we are both discouraging that right now. That is why it isn’t really possible for us to meet potential partners before anything occurs. Also we don’t have regular child care, so one of us is usually home with the kids while the other is out on the town.
Thank you very much for your comment
Remingtons, I suppose that both Jack and I could be tempted to bend or break the rules, but they really are the foundation of our arrangement, and I think that trust would be seriously damaged should one of us neglect to follow them. Of course exceptions can be granted on a ‘case by case’ basis, should the need arise.
I should have been more specific in my posts. These rules had not been established yet when my interactions occured. I got into the bathtub with the young man that I wrote about because I didn’t know yet that it would make Jack uncomfortable.
P.S. TOM stands for Time Of The Month, in other words, my period.
I really should have designated a name for that guy in my post, LOL. Sorry about the confusion.
Thank you very much for your comment and for stopping by
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December 3rd, 2005 at 6:01 pm
I’m impressed with your rules and glad this is working for you. It is likely my advanced age, but I don’t know that I could remember so many rules. Perhaps, too, my reaction to trying to project how these rules would effect our lives, is a product of my lifelong penchant for bending and breaking rules:) Sue and T would be forever having to beat me for “forgetting” one of them. But these are not our rules. They are yours, and I am pleased to have you share them with us here.
I am interested rule 13 that requires you to make a safe call to your husband when on a date. That is an excellent practice for you, but I am assuming these rules would apply to your husband’s dating as well. Men are victimized by predators too. Shouldn’t he too make safe calls?
I find your resistance to calling your lifestyle “ployamory” interesting. I would likely term your practice as a form of polyamory, and we could debate the semantic toxonomy of non-monogamy, but I really have come to the conclusion that life is much more about how you live it, than what you call it.
All the best and thanks for including us here:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
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December 5th, 2005 at 7:35 pm
Tom, LOL, I don’t know that we could remember them either (that’s part of the reason we wrote them here, LOL). These rules of course will be fluid, like our relationship. We drafted them now to help ease the transition onto this new path, and to make us both feel more comfortable. Who knows how many of them will last in the long run, or what new ones might be added.
Yes, I thought some more about rule #13 and I think it would be wise for Jack to also make a safecall during his date. I suppose it is hard for me to consider him being victimized, but these days anything can happen.
I don’t know if I am ‘resistant’ to calling us polyamorous, but rather my understanding of polyamory would imply that we are more like ‘swingers’. From what I have read, polyamoury is exactly that, love with many people. Since our goal is not to form long-term attachments (although we are not necissarily closed to the idea) I assumed that we would be considered less polyamorous and more ‘swingers’. However, I dislike labels on the whole, and like you I think that it is more ‘how’ than ‘what’.
Thank you very much for commenting
I appreciate and value your thoughts and opinions here, thanks again for taking the time to share them!
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December 6th, 2005 at 7:12 pm
I like the augmentation of 13 and 18 is a very good rule… very good.
19 made me laugh. I had a bit of an issue with a potential meeting with an ex that was nixed at the last moment. Very good rule indeed.
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February 22nd, 2006 at 7:31 pm
Master and I have similar rules to a few on here too. I am so glad to find another blog with a couple with open relationship. I have felt so alone sometimes. Great blog. I will definatly be back..
HUGS
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May 12th, 2006 at 2:46 pm
Just found your blog. Very nice. I will be a regular reader.
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July 16th, 2006 at 6:36 pm
#17 amuses me because my husband just posted this on our new site:
Testing remote posting via txt message….so we can post right after or during sex!…..LOL
http://www.our-open.com
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